IT'S BEEN AWHILE AND I MISS THIS, TBH.
i was blog jumping when i came about here, i don't know how, but i did. and i've missed this and knowing that no one is going to read this, i thought i'd give it a shot. to just pour all of my feelings out in public knowing that no one is ever going to read this, and no one probably cares.
i haven't been feeling myself these past few days, and it scares me. i don't think i've ever been in this position before and because of that, i'm scared. i can barely sleep sometimes cause i'm always up, thinking. thinking about you and thinking about how much i'm missing you and how i always pick up my phone, but refuse to text you because it hurts me so much and i just hope that yknow how much it's hurting me. i don't want to miss you anymore and i doubt you're missing me. i refuse to believe in any of these feelings that i'm feeling and i doubt myself all the time, and i think the doubt is killing me cause i'm fighting a war with myself and i think that's deteriorating me. and it's at its peak. i honestly don't know what to do/say anymore to anyone. if we were together, physically and mentally, that would be so much easier, but we're so far apart and because of that, no heart, not even ours, can cope. can you imagine how much that actually hurts? and that's the reality of it...and then i sleep. in my sleep, it just all goes away. but when i wake up, it starts to hurt all over again and i can imagine that you're hurting too, darling. i know, i do. but i'm sorry. i can't be the one that you want...i just don't want to tell you that. i can't and i don't want to.
but either than that, college has been driving me nuts. i don't have a social life anymore cause i've been studying every single day of my life. i can't actually remember when was the last time i went out to have fun and just relax. to just relax at a pub, get a few drinks, and just...relax. i honestly don't remember that and i find myself finding comfort in myself rather than in anyone else at the moment and i find it kind of sad but...at the same time, i find it better for myself. knowing that maybe, just maybe, since i'm lost right now i'll be able to find myself in all this mess and i can contemplate on things with a clearer mind. but it sucks that i choose to be alone rather than with people that i care about. but here's the thing; do they want to be with me? i ask myself these things everyday that slowly eats me alive and i don't know why, but yeah i just do.
things have been so extremely difficult nowadays and i'm still wondering on how to cope with it. it's no one, it's just me that's making it hard and that's making it hurt, but i can't sleep and i can't stop thinking about any of it. i can safely say that almost everyone in their lives has felt what it's like to die a little bit inside everyday, but it's been going on for a few years now and i can't remember when was the last time i felt truly happy and what it felt like. i guess it was you that changed it all. i was extremely happy trying to kill myself slowly and you asked me to try and for the first time, it felt as if someone cared and because of that, it seemed like everyone cares when in reality, no one ever does, do they? at the end of the day, the only person you think of, is yourself. and that's how it will go for awhile. but to love others, you have to love yourself, cliche as is sounds, but it doesn't work for everyone. i can't love myself knowing that maybe, right now, you're loving someone else and that's hurting me inside.
maybe i've come to the conclusion that i just need you by my side. i've said a lot of shit to you and i might come out as a real jammy bitch who seems to put it out to the world that i'm fine without you, but in actuality, i need you. i fucking hate your guts, but i love you to pieces. i can't actually imagine myself without you. and for the past few years after we broke off, i sometimes wonder how the fuck did i manage without you. and i think that's the scariest part. it's knowing that you can't live without someone...i know for a fact that i'm already so attached to you and we barely talk much now, but i hope you can feel it. the amount of love i have for you, no matter the fucking shit i say. doubt me cause i doubt myself too, but actions are louder than words. and i need you.
i've got loads more to say, but i shan't. it's like a book here and i can't even deal with the amount of emotion that i'm pouring out right now, but that's how it is. that's how my feelings go and i've put them out there. now it's just for me to face it, yeah?
fuck this sappy shit.
oh, i'm not naive. i see the way you look at her, you don't do that for me. oh, it must be love and we both know that it's not with us. - peter by daughter