Comments | homais: Too unimportant to ignore

homais

Too unimportant to ignore

Dec 07, 2009 17:25

With my dad, I have exactly the opposite of the problem most men have with their fathers: he and I only seem to be able to talk about things that are really important. Imagine the stereotypical, kind of WASPy father-son relationship, only able to talk about sports and the stock market. Not me. I can tell him when I'm in trouble. I can come to him ( Read more... )

Comments 25

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henkkuli December 7 2009, 23:06:27 UTC

Lizard brain mode. I like that.

homais December 8 2009, 00:54:30 UTC

In fairness, I have the same issue - feeling like I need to solve everything. Apparently, though, being raised by my dad at least taught me in no uncertain terms the limits of that mindset.

henkkuli December 7 2009, 23:04:44 UTC

That's interesting. My Dad and I have a modified version of that dynamic: he is a fountain of anecdotes from his Old Country Youth, which he uses to try to teach me something about my New Country Youth. Something deep and meaningful. I enjoy his stories, but sometimes it's tough to talk to him because I know, deep in my gut, that the "When I was growing up in Finland..." is coming. So in recent years if I have Issues I talk about it with either my older sister or David. Which frustrates Dad, so when I go talk to him about, say, what we're having for lunch, "my mom used to make the best fish soup back before I left home..."For my part, I have to admit that my brain sees peoples' issues as problems to be solved, and while I'm really good at listening to people, I tend to treat them like they're briefing me on their issues. When they're done exhaustively explaining a situation, I have an impulse to make a recommendation; it's an impulse I manually override often. As I suspect is one of the sub-nuts of your entry, people don't tend ( ... )

homais December 8 2009, 06:42:47 UTC

The thing about In My Country sounds like it can devolve into an annoying kind of one-upsmanship, if you let it. At least I don't have that one with my dad - lord knows I get enough of it from other sources in life.

You know, for all I complain about my dad trying to solve everything, naturally I have the same instinct. I'd like to think that having been on both ends of this has made me better at navigating such situations. I'd like to think.

people don't tend to want solutions so much as they want to know that they are still valued how they want to be.

Or, to modify this, often people do want solutions. But there's some kind of emotional pre-requisite that needs to click before they can get to that stage, and it can't be hurried along. Or at least I know of no way to hurry it along. Sometimes, you just have to sit with someone else in their sadness for a while. It's hard, but one of the best things I've learned to do over the years.

tevs December 8 2009, 00:54:08 UTC

Hey, Would you grant permission for me to re-tumbl the following quote on my tumblr, with a citation?

I learned my best listening skill from her: whatever someone is telling you, repeat it back to them in your own words, as best as you understand it. In the worst case, they'll correct you if you've misunderstood. On the average case, they feel listened to. In the best case, the person you're talking to will find what you've just said very insightful. That logic, though, is mine. My mom, unlike me, doesn't use that trick for such calculating reasons. She just listens.

homais December 8 2009, 00:55:22 UTC

Sure! Tumbl away!

sunsetscreamer December 8 2009, 02:06:47 UTC

Interestingly enough, that's really similar to what I've been learning this semester in social work class. We're not allowed to just jump in and solve the problem for the first 3 or more sessions, we're supposed to just listen to the problem and make comments that show we're listening to it. Then, later, we ask questions to gage if the client is really ready to change things and how much.

homais December 8 2009, 06:29:24 UTC

Hey, I could give a seminar to socialworkers!! Ok, not really.

Do you let clients know that this is the procedure, or does telling them that you won't be making suggestions 'till session 3 negatively affect the way they tend to treat sessions one and two?

sunsetscreamer December 8 2009, 22:12:14 UTC

Some social workers give a little preview of what's to come. Like, "if you show up at the next session we'll begin to talk about xyz and explore blah blah." In practice, yah I do think some clients want an immediate solution and say things like "well, if I knew what to do about the problem, I wouldn't have come to you about it!" I guess we're supposed to answer something like "in the past, other clients have found it helpful to explore xyz" and give a little hint of how to solve the problem without suggesting any kind of a solution. Yah its pretty tricky.

currentlee December 8 2009, 02:47:10 UTC

"Besides, you always say you want to help people solve problems, but sometimes you have to show some empathy in order to make someone feel like you're solving the problem together, rather than just having you swoop in and solve the problem for them. I don't think any adult likes being made to feel that way."
THIS.

one of the hardest, but most important things i've learned how to say as a person venting is "i'm not looking for solutions".
it's hard for people to hear, and sometimes shuts down the talking and listening, but sometimes it allows the space for it to become problem solving together, rather than being saved.

homais December 8 2009, 06:39:13 UTC

I've been on both sides of this, both the guy who really feels impotent and somehow blamed if I'm not proactively coming up with a solution, and the guy who's just trying to talk through the crazy and feeling incredibly condescended to by high-handed attempts to help. I'd like to think it's given me an appreciation for what it feels like either way, and a set of skills for navigating this.

I'd like to think.