Yet another post from me!
This is going under a cut, purely cos I don't know how long I am going to waffle on for, and because it's not the cheeriest of posts..
Last night I hardly slept, because I was ever so sleepy during the day and by bedtime I was wide awake again!
I swear I am getting nocturnal O_o
Plus Ste was staying at his parents house and I really missed him..
"The bed's too big without yoooou!"
Yep, 'The Police'.. <3
Anyway. I got up at 9am and got ready for my midwife appointment - Mary came to my house today for a chat and to see what sort of room we have for the birthing pool etc.
This is what I want.
I thought it was going okay..
But then she said that she was concerned about the baby measuring 'large' and that she will book me in to see a consultant at the hospital when I am about 36 weeks pregnant so that they can have their say on what happens next :[
I am SO frustrated.
So what if he is 2 weeks ahead in growth?!
Does that mean that I won't be able to give birth naturally on my own terms? :[
My midwife was telling me not to worry, because even if I do have a c-section then it doesn't mean I can't try to give birth naturally with my next child - oh, but I will have to be continuously monitored at the hospital from the moment I go in to labour, by the way! O_o
It took all my strength not to yell and cry..
Somehow I managed.
I sat there, looked right in to her eyes and I said "I will do this naturally if I can, as long as my son is healthy and not distressed. I would never purposefully endanger my sons health. But I want a natural birth at home, I want to try and give birth to him normally, even if he is a little larger than some babies. I want the chance to TRY."..
She said she understood, but then went on to tell me alllll about shoulder dystocia, and how, if my pelvis isn't big enough to get my son out, he can become trapped at the shoulders.
She also said that ordinary contractions can start to suffocate a big baby, as when a contraction occurs the cord gets squeezed and limits oxygen supply >.<
She then gave me a huuuuge list of all the reasons I might have to be transferred to the hospital.
At this point I was nearly in tears, thinking to myself..
Why on earth did she bother to agree to a homebirth if they obviously concern her so much?!
I think she is hoping the consultant will say I shouldn't have one, so she doesn't have to deal with my rage :/
This whole process was something I was INCREDIBLY excited about..
Now it's becoming something so negative and worrysome.
All I know is, I am NOT giving up on this.
I want what is best for myself and my son.
As soon as the midwife left, I just looked at my Mum and burst in to tears.
She told me not to be silly, that the midwife is just covering her back by making me aware of all the negative things..
But still, I can't help but think that this homebirth will not happen if the medical team have it their way.
I keep repeating another midwifes words in my head, who really made an impact on me..
"Express yourself! Tell us what you want. Let it be known! We are here to help and support you, not fight with you.."
It just doesn't feel that way right now though..
I have to pull myself together.
Ste is at his graduation ceremony and I am not there with him - I feel gutted to say the least.
I am glad I get to see him later though..
But I can't let this ruin his day.
I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on.
Last night I hardly slept, because I was ever so sleepy during the day and by bedtime I was wide awake again!
I swear I am getting nocturnal O_o
Plus Ste was staying at his parents house and I really missed him..
"The bed's too big without yoooou!"
Yep, 'The Police'.. <3
Anyway. I got up at 9am and got ready for my midwife appointment - Mary came to my house today for a chat and to see what sort of room we have for the birthing pool etc.
This is what I want.
I thought it was going okay..
But then she said that she was concerned about the baby measuring 'large' and that she will book me in to see a consultant at the hospital when I am about 36 weeks pregnant so that they can have their say on what happens next :[
I am SO frustrated.
So what if he is 2 weeks ahead in growth?!
Does that mean that I won't be able to give birth naturally on my own terms? :[
My midwife was telling me not to worry, because even if I do have a c-section then it doesn't mean I can't try to give birth naturally with my next child - oh, but I will have to be continuously monitored at the hospital from the moment I go in to labour, by the way! O_o
It took all my strength not to yell and cry..
Somehow I managed.
I sat there, looked right in to her eyes and I said "I will do this naturally if I can, as long as my son is healthy and not distressed. I would never purposefully endanger my sons health. But I want a natural birth at home, I want to try and give birth to him normally, even if he is a little larger than some babies. I want the chance to TRY."..
She said she understood, but then went on to tell me alllll about shoulder dystocia, and how, if my pelvis isn't big enough to get my son out, he can become trapped at the shoulders.
She also said that ordinary contractions can start to suffocate a big baby, as when a contraction occurs the cord gets squeezed and limits oxygen supply >.<
She then gave me a huuuuge list of all the reasons I might have to be transferred to the hospital.
At this point I was nearly in tears, thinking to myself..
Why on earth did she bother to agree to a homebirth if they obviously concern her so much?!
I think she is hoping the consultant will say I shouldn't have one, so she doesn't have to deal with my rage :/
This whole process was something I was INCREDIBLY excited about..
Now it's becoming something so negative and worrysome.
All I know is, I am NOT giving up on this.
I want what is best for myself and my son.
As soon as the midwife left, I just looked at my Mum and burst in to tears.
She told me not to be silly, that the midwife is just covering her back by making me aware of all the negative things..
But still, I can't help but think that this homebirth will not happen if the medical team have it their way.
I keep repeating another midwifes words in my head, who really made an impact on me..
"Express yourself! Tell us what you want. Let it be known! We are here to help and support you, not fight with you.."
It just doesn't feel that way right now though..
I have to pull myself together.
Ste is at his graduation ceremony and I am not there with him - I feel gutted to say the least.
I am glad I get to see him later though..
But I can't let this ruin his day.
I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on.