(no subject)
Okay, I've been stuck with Cordelia for a while now Part of it is that, well, life sucks and I hiatused long enough that I kinda lost my grip on her. I'm very seriously considering dropping her, but I still really love Cordelia and want to play her! I figure talking through my issues with her might help some.
- Usually, the easiest way for me to get back into a character's voice is to reread some of their stuff. The problem with that at the moment with Cordelia, is that I'm hitting my personal reread limit where I have enough of the book semi-memorized to the point that rereading is redundant. For every single book in the series. I MAY BE A LITTLE OBSESSED. I mean, I was rereading Komarr the other day at least partially because Ekaterin's discussion's with Miles about his mom really does give some interesting insights into Cordelia. And there were entire scenes that I could've recited as I read. (Well, I could've if I read that way.)
Solution: Give up on rereading, dive in anyway. Maybe essay on something first, because that tends to help me out a bit. I've been meaning to do an essay on her, hatred, Barrayar, Bothari, and why she's kind of Jesusy but not really a Jesus for forever now, anyway. - She views 99% of the people she knows in camp as children. Or, sometimes not children, but not peers. This means that she doesn't have an effective emotional support network in camp, because she won't unburden herself to people who strike her as young enough to be her children until she's at the breaking point. And since her breaking point is intricately intertwined in her family, without her family in camp, she won't reach her breaking point. So she always has that low grade stress. Or, to be more precise, she doesn't have any way of relieving the stresses that camp places on her. Which makes her more unhappy to be here, which makes me more unhappy for her to be here because I loev Cordelia and want her to be happy.
Solution: HEY OLDER PEOPLE, COME BOND WITH ME. Other than that, deal. - No family! For Cordelia, family is pretty much the most important thing in her universe! She once brought back someone's head because he fucked with her family, incidentally ending a civil war along the way. While she's used to being out of contact with Miles and Mark, and to a lesser extent Gregor, she's not used to being separated from Aral. She loves Aral! She misses him. Part of her hates camp because he's old enough that her time with him is limited, and so she's angry about missing that time with him. She's hoping that people are right about the time thing, and she'll return to the minute that she left, but she isn't one to blindly believe that that'll happen. ...Actually, what she's really doing is hoping that she ages here while returning to the time she left so that she
Solution: I dunno. Pimp more? APP MILES AND MARK AND IVAN AND GREGOR AND BOTHARI AND ARAL AND EKATERIN they're awesome and it makes me cry that they aren't already in camp sob. If I were capable of playercesting that much, I would totally app them, okay? - ...I still can't figure out, if, at this point in her life, she's happy with the way her life's gone or not. I mean. She loves Aral and is happy that he's retired! She loves Miles and is extremely happy that he's giving her grandchildren. She loves Mark and is glad his therapy's helping him. (On a side note, I really really wonder if a tendency towards split personalities came from Aral or Cordelia. On the one hand, the way her thinking goes when she goes into her version of Admiral Naismith is rather similar to Miles'. On the other hand, Aral's family tree has canonical insanity. On both sides. Eh.) She loves Gregor and is glad that he's finally (presumably) happily married. On the other hand, she occasionally gives indications that she really does think she did the incredibly foolish thing when she married Aral and then encouraged him to become Regent. "If you wanted a happy life, you should've married a happy man. But no, you had to fall for the breathtaking beauty of pain." Cordelia thinking about her marriage with Aral before Miles was even crippled. "And you, ma'am?" "Me? I'm a fool, boy." "A fool for love?" "Among other things." Cordelia answering Mark's question on something. On the other hand! Both of those comments take place when she's having a really bad time of it. The first, Aral'd just become Regent and Cordelia was getting used to the pressures of being married to a head of state on a really pretty barbaric planet. The second, Miles was currently dead and cryofrozen and they'd managed to lose the body (which they needed to UNcryofreeze and heal him), Mark had come hope for the first time after creating the situation that GOT Miles dead, and Aral'd had a heart attack that almost killed him. Oh, and certain people were suspicious of Mark having done it. Not Cordelia, of course, but she still was undoubtedly spending a not insignificant amount of effort making sure that no one got overenthusiastic with their paranoia. So. These are not necessarily indicative of her general state of mind. The fact that I don't know something as basic as "Is your character happy?" BUGS ME.
Solution: Reread and try to figure out- OH WAIT. Eh. Ignore I guess. It doesn't really make a huge difference in how I play her, because it's not something that she'd let near the surface all that often. It just bugs me.
- I will never be able to turn a phrase as well as Cordelia.
Solution: Deal. I'm not Bujold. - Religion! Cordelia is deeply, if quietly, religious. Bujold answers the question what religion she is: Cordelia, as I've said somewhere (not in the books), is some sort of Betan Presbyterian, a rather Unitarian-style but definitely Christian-descended religion, which would doubtless make old John Knox spin in his grave at max RPM, ululating in high pitch. (16 Jun 1997) Personally, I am a mildly bitter atheist with a deep discomfort with religion! This does not mesh well. I always feel HORRIBLY AWKWARD on the rare occasions I try to play that side of her. And I generally have to make a conscious effort to remember that she's religious and not exclude that portion of her from even casual conversation, and I fail a lot of the time. And it's an important part of her that kind of bugs me that I'm not playing well, even if it doesn't show up on the surface a lot even in canon. On the other hand, I'm guessing not all the players here are comfortable playing with religion, so... I guess it's probably best that I not play it that often. But it still BUGS ME. And it has been bugging me pretty much the entire time I've been playing Cordelia!
Solution: I have absolutely NO idea.
So basically, I think I'm going to essay on her for a bit to try to get me back in her head, and then maybe start threading with her later today or tomorrow.