time for a healthy way to vent anger (dude, it TOTALLY WORKED, except i almost cried at the end)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUD GASDFGASR TYqwhrg liqwyghliawer gl;'hiaewr gl;ihrlwrl;ghsr; gzsdflk;h gadfhlasrpifh gsrliphgslraihghpijasrgpijhsdrgpasdfgl;nxdf;l'kjxfgs;'jisdnkls;'jkpsdrgapo'jbnlsg;jopwgjiorgjip I hate the world and everything fucking sucks and this is the wordws goddamn fucking cunt day of my life SHIT ASS COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER I AM FUCKING OUT TWELVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS BECAUSE I CANNOT SWALLOW MY FUCKING PRIDE WHY DOES MY MOTHER THINK SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING. SHE DOESN'T! NO ONE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME A FUCKING CAR AND NOW MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE HAS JUST GONE DOWN THE FUCKING SHITTER. I AM NOT EVEN BEING DRAMATIC. I AM A FUCKING JEW ANYWAY EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO LOVE MY MONEY WELL I'M GOING TO FUCKING MISS IT NOW. THIS DOESN'T AFFECT ANYONE AS MUCH AS IT AFFECTS ME AND I'M FUCKING SCREWED.
so dearest fucking mother says you should save money for travelling
so i finally decide to apply to study abroad
i got my hopes up. why shouldn't it work out? it's an art history trip (practically) and i'm a straight A art history student!!!!!
so (after foreshadowing) i didn't get selected.
good, no need to spend the money
except i fucked up my car. my parents blame me. i'm out $1500. no play this winter, got to work. (ps: i get $5.60 an hour at the job I LOVE. better quit in order to get actual money...)
and my parents feel it absolutely essential to make sure i feel like shit about it, so they got pissed off and yelled at me for two straight days, right before thanksgiving, which hopefully i won't need to go home for, because who wants to deal with that shit on their break?
I sobbed in front of my friends for a half hour and my parents wouldn't even be nice. my dad told me to "get myself together" and "stop whining, it's not becoming." who the fuck does that? where the fuck did these people come from?
don't get me wrong, i love them. this doesn't change. and as depressed i am right now, because not even my pills can help me now, i'm a wreck, this is a bad fucking time to get diagnosed with all the neuroses as you can fit in a person.
this Next shit is personal, don't read unless you really know me. seriously, I'm not kidding. but if you care, read on, i have no problem with people knowing my life.
I was just starting to get my faith in God back. My cousin suffered and died and her alcoholic abusive husband took my favorite nieces to south carolina so my family and I can suffer. I'm not even kidding, he did it vindictively, it's a fact. So I stopped believing in God. I truly did. Why would God do this to me? Why? What did Robin or I or my family do? Maybe he really does favor the Christians. They don't seem to get fucked up as much as we do, at least not the last few centuries. I realize they weren't always the most popular humans on the Earth... But anyway, I believed in God. I loved God. And he was supposed to protect me and my family as long as we loved him. We were alive and kind of healthy, and that evens out because we certainly weren't the best Jews in the world. But this? Robin dead at 31? My life savings gone? Depression? Anxiety? ADD? Possible bipolar? My sisters' depression? No girlfriend? No romance? None for my sisters? My parents depressed? My dad in a shitty job?
I mean, you can fucking take this stuff for a while. Because I don't believe in suicide at all. LIfe is a fucking privledge and I LOVE it. But I swear to God I can't take it anymore. God just isn't there for me. He's not there. I can't find him.
so dearest fucking mother says you should save money for travelling
so i finally decide to apply to study abroad
i got my hopes up. why shouldn't it work out? it's an art history trip (practically) and i'm a straight A art history student!!!!!
so (after foreshadowing) i didn't get selected.
good, no need to spend the money
except i fucked up my car. my parents blame me. i'm out $1500. no play this winter, got to work. (ps: i get $5.60 an hour at the job I LOVE. better quit in order to get actual money...)
and my parents feel it absolutely essential to make sure i feel like shit about it, so they got pissed off and yelled at me for two straight days, right before thanksgiving, which hopefully i won't need to go home for, because who wants to deal with that shit on their break?
I sobbed in front of my friends for a half hour and my parents wouldn't even be nice. my dad told me to "get myself together" and "stop whining, it's not becoming." who the fuck does that? where the fuck did these people come from?
don't get me wrong, i love them. this doesn't change. and as depressed i am right now, because not even my pills can help me now, i'm a wreck, this is a bad fucking time to get diagnosed with all the neuroses as you can fit in a person.
this Next shit is personal, don't read unless you really know me. seriously, I'm not kidding. but if you care, read on, i have no problem with people knowing my life.
I was just starting to get my faith in God back. My cousin suffered and died and her alcoholic abusive husband took my favorite nieces to south carolina so my family and I can suffer. I'm not even kidding, he did it vindictively, it's a fact. So I stopped believing in God. I truly did. Why would God do this to me? Why? What did Robin or I or my family do? Maybe he really does favor the Christians. They don't seem to get fucked up as much as we do, at least not the last few centuries. I realize they weren't always the most popular humans on the Earth... But anyway, I believed in God. I loved God. And he was supposed to protect me and my family as long as we loved him. We were alive and kind of healthy, and that evens out because we certainly weren't the best Jews in the world. But this? Robin dead at 31? My life savings gone? Depression? Anxiety? ADD? Possible bipolar? My sisters' depression? No girlfriend? No romance? None for my sisters? My parents depressed? My dad in a shitty job?
I mean, you can fucking take this stuff for a while. Because I don't believe in suicide at all. LIfe is a fucking privledge and I LOVE it. But I swear to God I can't take it anymore. God just isn't there for me. He's not there. I can't find him.