Letter to Mother
In May I saw my mother for the first time after being abandoned by her when I was fifteen years old. She was in a mental institution, and I saw her in a different light than I was ever able to see her before. This is the no-send letter I wrote after taking that trip:
Dear Mom,
After seeing you the other day I feel the need to write to you and let you know that the game has changed. I am an adult now; and just like you, I have the choice on how I am to live my life, who I am to be, and what I do. Today I can live in the past--to stay tied to my abuser values, to strive to find a way to make those in my life approve of me and hopefully love me--to sacrifice my own self to that cause. I can chose to live in the past or I can chose to recreate my life, dreams, and future for me. I don't have to be tied to those past memories, terrors, even to you! I can chose a new life, a new birth that allows me to know love and freedom unlike I have ever been able to experience before.
My six-year-old --she can experience a new way of being. She can chose what is right for her. She can have the love and nurturing she desperately needs and desires. She can be taken care of. I will take care of her. We can find people who love us and care for us willingly. Love no longer needs to be linked to fear and instability and abandonment. We made that choice when we refused to hug you in the hospital. We could not let our six-year-old go through that again. We are here to protect her now, and we want her to learn that hugs and affection are a two way choice of care, not something that should make her feel confused, bad and wrong. I know what we did bothered the grandparents, and possibly you, but we need to protect ourselves and reaching out to you with the knowledge that you are unable to reciprocate is not something we are choosing to do.
On the other had, just as we must guard ourselves from those who will hurt us, we are also choosing to open the door for the opportunity of love. We can open up, we can care for others, and e can allow others to care for us. We do not need to hurt us anymore because we deserve more, and we can have more than pain and hurt. I can love myself. I do not have to be the hurt fifteen-year-old anymore swearing that no one will ever get so close and hurt us ever again. I chose to move on and embrace what this life can offer me if I open up and let it.
What I have to offer myself and this world is something. For years I really did believe that this world would have been better off if I had not even been born. I heard that and perceived that for so many years, but now I do not have to hear that anymore. I do not yet know how to care for my baby, but I will learn and I will care for her unlike you were able to care for me before, mom. I do not need to helplessly wait for you to care and respond to me. I can lovingly care for myself and when I cannot do it alone, I can find others who willingly desire to help me grow.
As others chose to love and care for me, I chose who I love and care for. For years I was required to take care of so many others; including you, mom. I do not need to do that any longer. I can chose who I help and how I help them. I do not need to sacrifice myself in the process. That is what happened before, and I will not let it happen again. I can find joy in giving and being just who I want to be. I can find love for myself and grow with others without feeling trapped in slavery. Like I said, mom, the game has changed.
I have a ways to go, but this is how far I've come. I am proud of me. As I learn to accept love, I learn to accept me. I learn that I am a worthwhile creation capable and deserving of receiving and giving love. I do not be alone anymore. I am lovable and worthwhile and I don't need you to tell me that in order to know the truth.
ME
Dear Mom,
After seeing you the other day I feel the need to write to you and let you know that the game has changed. I am an adult now; and just like you, I have the choice on how I am to live my life, who I am to be, and what I do. Today I can live in the past--to stay tied to my abuser values, to strive to find a way to make those in my life approve of me and hopefully love me--to sacrifice my own self to that cause. I can chose to live in the past or I can chose to recreate my life, dreams, and future for me. I don't have to be tied to those past memories, terrors, even to you! I can chose a new life, a new birth that allows me to know love and freedom unlike I have ever been able to experience before.
My six-year-old --she can experience a new way of being. She can chose what is right for her. She can have the love and nurturing she desperately needs and desires. She can be taken care of. I will take care of her. We can find people who love us and care for us willingly. Love no longer needs to be linked to fear and instability and abandonment. We made that choice when we refused to hug you in the hospital. We could not let our six-year-old go through that again. We are here to protect her now, and we want her to learn that hugs and affection are a two way choice of care, not something that should make her feel confused, bad and wrong. I know what we did bothered the grandparents, and possibly you, but we need to protect ourselves and reaching out to you with the knowledge that you are unable to reciprocate is not something we are choosing to do.
On the other had, just as we must guard ourselves from those who will hurt us, we are also choosing to open the door for the opportunity of love. We can open up, we can care for others, and e can allow others to care for us. We do not need to hurt us anymore because we deserve more, and we can have more than pain and hurt. I can love myself. I do not have to be the hurt fifteen-year-old anymore swearing that no one will ever get so close and hurt us ever again. I chose to move on and embrace what this life can offer me if I open up and let it.
What I have to offer myself and this world is something. For years I really did believe that this world would have been better off if I had not even been born. I heard that and perceived that for so many years, but now I do not have to hear that anymore. I do not yet know how to care for my baby, but I will learn and I will care for her unlike you were able to care for me before, mom. I do not need to helplessly wait for you to care and respond to me. I can lovingly care for myself and when I cannot do it alone, I can find others who willingly desire to help me grow.
As others chose to love and care for me, I chose who I love and care for. For years I was required to take care of so many others; including you, mom. I do not need to do that any longer. I can chose who I help and how I help them. I do not need to sacrifice myself in the process. That is what happened before, and I will not let it happen again. I can find joy in giving and being just who I want to be. I can find love for myself and grow with others without feeling trapped in slavery. Like I said, mom, the game has changed.
I have a ways to go, but this is how far I've come. I am proud of me. As I learn to accept love, I learn to accept me. I learn that I am a worthwhile creation capable and deserving of receiving and giving love. I do not be alone anymore. I am lovable and worthwhile and I don't need you to tell me that in order to know the truth.
ME