(no subject)

[horrrorbusiness]

i fucking miss everything. and i fucking hate everything. and i really just dont want to live anymore right now. i am so terribly sick of living. i hate my fucking life. so if you're going to bring me down even more with your shitty comments or shitty attitudes just fuck off now, or i will make a list of people and events that drove me to this and i will include you and then i will off myself and you will be traumatized for the rest of your life. and you will feel like i do. and you will have this survivor guilt. and you will live with it everyday of your life. and you will feel what i feel. and then other people's shitty comments and attitudes will attribute to your failure, and you too will die. because i am pretty sure that i am dead now. i'm so numb. i'm just going through the motions. everyday is exactly the same. there is no love here and there is no pain. weird. there is a lot of both. but the love is the pain. and it all balances out. i believe you are born as a yin yang and your entire life is a yin yang, but you will die as only one. but then, i believe in the phrase, 'fuck you, i'll do what i want.' and so i will die as i live. and i will die in a balance; of good and evil, happy and sad, love and pain. but this. this is not a life if there is no freedom of choice, for your free will is what makes you human/humane. but what have i chosen for myself. nothing. sure, i chose to put these jeans on this morning, or not take them off rather, and i chose to buy this bag, and i am choosing to sit here and type this up. but i have chose nothing of strong importance to me in a very long time. i do this all for someone else. i don't want to go to school, but i do it for my parents, and society in general. as a side note on that last one, in general i say fuck society, no one who follows the rules society has set has ever made a difference. not one. i don't really want to work at sal's pizza, but i do it for my sister, for my mom, for tony. yes, i understand that people will always depend on me, because one cannot function without the assistance of another, but that does not mean i should throw away my entire happiness to appease another's. i am so sick of not being able to live my life for me. october 9th, 2003, i made a decision to stop making decisions based on another person, not until that person needed me as much as i need them. well i have found another being who needs me like that, but even now i do not make decisions based on that individual. because i know no matter what i do, he is there, and he will support me. no fucking matter what. and until the day we create another human who is that dependant on us, we will continue to not make decision for each other like i make them for those who don't really deserve them. sure, my parents have raised me, and they have loved me, and they have taught me a lot, but then, maybe they should love me more, because i am the person they taught to live, i am the person that i am because of them. they taught me to grow on my own and this is how they taught me to do it. so why won't they let me do this now. why can't i start living for myself. how can you hate what you created. what is half of you. and half of someone you once loved. you can't hate what i've become. you just choose not to see it. well look at me. i am me and i am you and i am a human. and i have free will. it was granted me when i was born. you think it was just coincidence i came into this world on ******? i don't think so, i chose that date so you could remember it. forever. and you will. and that is how i want my entire life to be. and it will. so why slow my progress. this entire life i am living right now is not mine. i'd rather be anywhere but here doing anything but this. but i am here, for those of you who depend on me to be here. and i am sick of being the quiet girl in the middle of it all doing what she is told or expected, because if she doesn't you will ruin her night with your shitty comments and your shitty attitudes. i just want to run away. i need to get away from all these obligations, these dependencies. i want to make my differences and i want to do it now. i don't want to waste four years doing something i don't even want to do when i could be out living my dreams. you all think i will fail because my dreams are crazy and i have nothing to support them. you think without four years of college i will just become trailer trash. like without those four years, i will lose all of my intelligence and i will just slip into the mud and disappear. but that is not how it works. i will not fail. but i am sick of waiting to prove it to you. why are you holding me here? this life. this. life. is. not. mine.

"Yin and Yang, negative and positive, stillness and action. If it were possible to keep balance all of the time, where would the challenge of living be? We would all die smiling in a recliner. If it wasn’t for hunger, we wouldn’t eat-if it wasn’t for full, we wouldn’t stop eating-the balance is only between the two and wouldn’t be without both [I guess]. Society is the web of life’s spider. Try to keep up with and be the Jones’ and you’re trapped in a useless game with no prize to win, consumed by life’s trivial crap. It’s funny that I bitch when shit isn’t going my way, because when it is going my way, I wonder what’s going to happen to fuck things up! Anyway, stop [if you want-hahaha] taking things so to heart for a while. The stillness and action part of y&y is taught in martial arts. It means that when the body is in action, the mind should be still, and vise versa. Just do and be for a while! The mind will find its own center, but it needs a break sometimes. If you’re like me, you’ll have a hard time realizing that a lot of the people around you don’t have the conviction and passion for anything….not like you have[that’s why they don’t understand why things bother you so much]! It’s like trying to understand people who lie all of the time [and being lied to] when you’re not a liar."