Comments | hoshiko2: Darkness: Chapter 9

hoshiko2

Darkness: Chapter 9

Sep 29, 2010 12:33

Title: The Darkness Within Me
Characters: America, England, Russia, China, Germany, Italy, and a few OCs
Rating: PG13
Summary: The plan goes into action

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Comments 5

ladykidasuki September 29 2010, 22:09:52 UTC

WOOT!!! We are out of the cabin! *does a Russian jig* The Italy and Germany scenes were pretty good (Italy's lines were most amusing), though I did get lost a couple of times as to where they were and what was going on. There were a few cases were the tenses of the verbs changed from past to present, and I was very confused when Al and George popped up because I thought they were still at the cabin. Once I figured out it was a future scene it made sense. In fact, I have a question about your use of italics. Does italics mean a past scene?

hoshiko2 September 29 2010, 22:34:49 UTC

Yeah, or a scene going on at the same time (as was the case with Hungary and Austria's scene). I'm sorry about the tense changes, I'll go back and fix those up.
And what confused you on where they were and what was going on?

ladykidasuki September 29 2010, 22:52:35 UTC

Ok. Let's see if I can't find them right quick...
The first one was in the first scene with Italy and Germany where in one paragraph it says, "Two hours later they were heading across the ocean," or something to that effect, but then at the end of the scene it said that they were boarding their plane. Were they boarding a different plane? Were they already across the ocean. Not?
The whole limo suddenly taking off with them felt really rushed to me, to the point where I actually missed that they had been hijacked. I was like, "Woah, what just happened," and when I reread it then I saw what happened. That could be a me thing though.
The final part was just the whole America and George popping up. By then my mind was completely lost as to the time, and I even suspected that it was AJ with some sort of strange George body double, which made no sense. However, now that I know what your italics means, I doubt I'll have those problems in the future.

hoshiko2 September 30 2010, 02:49:01 UTC

It's possible I'm just an idiot and forgot to spot these mistakes when I reread it during my insomnia time last night, seeing as how I missed all those grammar mistakes...
Anyways, I'm sorry that things are rushed... I'm really trying to work on that, but with the way my time schedule is...

Thread 5