Confused... processing.. suggestions welcome and needed.
I'm really not sure what to do with this, it eats at me. I KNOW that my husband loves me. He's working really hard at understanding whats going on with me, and is my biggest supporter. The thing is, the tv is a huge trigger for me. Here's why..I was sexually abused at a young age, and for a prolonged time by several men that came in and out of my life. My mother encouraged provocative clothing, and seemed to love the attention her daughter got. Everyone helped foster my self esteem being placed in my looks and my sex appeal. Including my ex husband, who is much older than I am. I went through depression and gained a ton of weight, but have taken over 90 pounds off. I have had many children. My body isn't what it used to be, so when I see these beautiful women it makes me loathe myself. horribly.
I didn't have cable until I was married to him. He says that he has done everything that he possible can to help me, yet he comes home day after day and watches television for hours on end. I usually just stay tied to my phone because he likes when I sit beside him and breath the same air while he watches tv. I've told him it bothers me, but he then gets angry and asks what I expect him to do? That I just want him to go to work and come home and sit and stare at me all day and night. Which isn't the case. I just don't want to sit on my ass watching boring tv, and getting upset.
I'm not terribly certain that part of me is using this eating disorder to get him to give up television at least some. But I know that I'm being honest when I say that it triggers me greatly.
My therapist says that I'm supposed to learn how to face triggers, that I will remain emotionally crippled if I run from them and never learn how to adequately deal with/work through them. But facing this just literally makes me want to smash the fucking television and scream, and cut my sagging skin off. Literally. Those are all thoughts that go through my head. How in the hell is this beneficial if it's setting me backwards? I've done worse confronting them than I have running from them. I HAVE to face enough triggers out in Public with scantily dressed women walking the streets, magazines in stores, etc. Why can't my home be a place of refuge?
I didn't have cable until I was married to him. He says that he has done everything that he possible can to help me, yet he comes home day after day and watches television for hours on end. I usually just stay tied to my phone because he likes when I sit beside him and breath the same air while he watches tv. I've told him it bothers me, but he then gets angry and asks what I expect him to do? That I just want him to go to work and come home and sit and stare at me all day and night. Which isn't the case. I just don't want to sit on my ass watching boring tv, and getting upset.
I'm not terribly certain that part of me is using this eating disorder to get him to give up television at least some. But I know that I'm being honest when I say that it triggers me greatly.
My therapist says that I'm supposed to learn how to face triggers, that I will remain emotionally crippled if I run from them and never learn how to adequately deal with/work through them. But facing this just literally makes me want to smash the fucking television and scream, and cut my sagging skin off. Literally. Those are all thoughts that go through my head. How in the hell is this beneficial if it's setting me backwards? I've done worse confronting them than I have running from them. I HAVE to face enough triggers out in Public with scantily dressed women walking the streets, magazines in stores, etc. Why can't my home be a place of refuge?