Therapy, and my book
I caved. I weighed myself. I'm back up to 135. Instead of motivating me to starve it motivated me to eat TWO brownies on top of breakfast. But I did cut out the egg, so that should offset the brownie, and if I skip my afternoon snack, and eat a small lunch, I'm hoping to cover the damage. I dont' know how many calories are in them. My mother in law sent them home with my daughter. She takes each grandchild for their birthday, and feeds them lunch and dinner, and then does something with them. My daughter wanted to bake brownies. She was nice enough to send them home for everyone. Which is sweet, but I can't be trusted with food. That is evident. On the plus side, the fat girl was trying to get me to eat the last one "just to get it out of the house" and.. I didn't cave. So that's good. But I am determined to get a few of these pounds off by Christmas, so I best be crackin! But I do want to do it in a healthy way.
The drive home yesterday was slow and stressful. But we made it safely, and the roads were ok today. No delays for school. That was nice.
Therapy was really good yesterday. Everything seemed to work together. The conversation with my husband on the way to church, what I'm working through in the book, what the therapist said. That was pretty amazing. I'll start at the beginning. My husband and I were talking about my friend whom has an eating disorder. She's anorexic, but vomits. So I'm not sure how all of that works. Anyway, he said she was sicker than me. And for some reason this upset me. crazy, I know! I don't want to be sick, and yet EVERYTHING is a competition!! There are times it feels as though he downplays my illness simply because I'm not as sick as her, and haven't been as sick as long. I know this isn't true because I've also watched him weep, shoulders heaving, and snot pouring about losing me to death. So, I'm not sure why I'd want to be "sicker" when I don't want to be sick at all. I brought it up to my therapist, and she seems to think that it's because people who are sick get attention, and that is something I crave. I'll buy that for a dollar. But it's with EVERYTHING. You're sick? I'm sicker. You're strong? I'm stronger? You're weak? I'm weaker. I'm not openly like this, mind you. Because I realize how ridiculous it is! I keep my mouth shut and act accordingly. But somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be the best at everything, even if those things contradict each other. I can't be both the skinniest and the strongest. Those two things contradict one another. At least, in the way I mean them. It's something that I hate that I do.
So I get to the therapist office and I'm finally alone and have free time. I start working on the Mom in the Mirror book. Here are the questions.
What are my bruises? Never feel good enough. Smart enough. Loved. I feel like my love from others is based on what I can do for them, so when I mess up I won't be loved. I'm not sure when this started.
Whom do I blame? My mom. She was the person responsible for me. She was the closest. She was on drugs and emotionally absent. Im not sure why I don't blame my dad. He wasn't around, which could be a reason why I'm afraid of not being good enough. I've forgiven them both, but my mom is harder to let go of given the amount abuse she let me endure. I always felt like I was in competition with her drugs, and with my brother. Especially when I grew up hearing things from time to time like, "If I were driving over a bridge and the car gave out, it wouldn't be you that I saved." or when she got out of the mental institute she came home to NO electric. Her animals were DEAD. And it was a very stressful situation. Which is understandable. She went to sit down at the dinner table and my brother and I were fighting over whom was going to sit next to her. She openly told me she wanted to stab me with her steak knife. She would make promises to us, and only follow through with the ones for my brother. She gave away the motorcycle that I was supposed to get that was my brothers to someone else. My mom had a 57 chevy and a 63 Impala. I was supposed to get the 63. She didn't do that. Instead, I got my brothers old ford Festiva that he drove his pathfinder on. She was always so consumed with him because he was a trouble maker. But I got left in the dark. Or the time that my sister in law loaned me her purse that was from my brother. My brother got mad at her and he was a ruthless guy. He's thrown pushmowers at my mom (he's over 6'4" and STRONG! Plus cracked out), he's broken windows to drag my sister in law through. Anyway, he got upset with her for loaning the purse, so she told him I stole it. My mom believed her. I was so hurt. That was the first time that I did something to hurt myself to relieve the pain. I punched a pine tree and let my hands welt up and it felt wonderful. Anyway, I got shit on a lot as a kid.
How do my bruises affect the way I parent? I parent from guilt or fear. I never feel like I'm doing enough for them. Spending enough time with them. Loving them enough. Teaching them enough. I try not to yell at them because I fear of losing my temper so they push me around. Then I snap out and scream and feel guilty, and try to make it up to them. I fear they will feel like I'm like my mom, that they will think I am broken and damaged them.
How do I take my disappointments out on food? I punish myself with food. I reward myself with food. I try to give myself a reason to be proud with food (thin), or a distraction from other things I dont' want to deal with. it's so much easier to be sick and focus on the important task of saving my life than it is to deal with real issues like my brokenness or how others let me down. How I wish my husband were closer with the kids.
What unmet needs are you still trying to have your family fill? Love. I want them to love me, and love each other. I want them to be proud of me, to look up to me. I want them to recognize that I've done my best. That I'm a good person. I just want a sense of family, pride, and love.
What are gifts that other people say that I posses? I actually asked people. hahaha good at giving advice, at being a friend, a wife, and a mother, I'm thoughtful, faithful, smart, loyal, honest (sometimes brutally so), dedicated, bold, giving, helpful, intelligent, kind, loving, trustworthy, good at photography, open, brave, dependable, caring, cheerful, friendly, none judgemental, understanding, and I keep reaching out towards hope.
So I get into therapy, and we talk about how I'm in competition with everyone, and how I hate it! We discuss most of this. And she says that my husband may not realize how sick I am because he's in denial. but I don't feel sick either. I go back and forth of feeling like I'm going to die if I don't get this under control, and then thinking I'm fine. But does a healthy girl whose been to the doctor a million times suddenly get leaky valves and heart murmurs from being fine? that's four years worth of consistent starving.
That's why she said my eating disorder is a coping skill, because it gives me something else to focus on so I don't have to focus on the issues that bother me.
I cried a lot during therapy, and laughed some, too. I shared most of it with my husband. We are pretty open with each other about things, even if its unpleasant. I can't tell people enough what it means to have such a good friend. He's going to write a blog about dealing with someone who has an eating disorder.
I appreciated what others said to me about whom they thought I was. It's nice to sometimes see myself through others eyes
Then I came home and did the next chapter of the book. Here are the answers:
How emotionally bruised was I when we got married? I was really bad off carrying all of my baggage from life. None of it was deal with. I didn't realize the extent until after I was married. I wasn't even aware everything I went through was abuse because it was my normal.
Do I look at my husband to fix my problems or do I blame him for some of them? Both. I often refer to him as my crazy glue. But there are times I get angry with him. Sometimes it's justified. Sometimes it's not. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm frustrated I somehow make it his fault. Like my friend not coming over was his fault because he wasn't willing to get sick. In the end it was. Her choice and I let some stupid emotion ruin the little time we have together. Stupid. But Im getting better at recognizing that.
How healthy was my self esteem when I became an adult? Not good at all. My self esteem has always been wrapped up in my looks and even though I felt ok with my body, it's a false sense of esteem given that it can change from moment to moment.
How did it change when I got married? It got worse. Him asking me to not wear revealing clothes made me feel ugly. And the. I put on weight. So I had nothing of my pseudo self esteem.
Do I feel like I know who I am? Yes and no. I know parts of myself but I often feel out of place. I often feel like I have two people living inside of me.
Do I believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful? I do. But I'm just amazed at how he can think so. Sometimes he says its because I don't work and I sit around watching tv with beautiful people on it, so I compare myself to that. When in reality if I were in the real world I would see most people are uglier. Lol this shouldn't be funny but somehow is.
Do I tend to despise or accept my reflection? Despise. Rarely will I think I'm not that ugly. And when that moment hits I am shocked I thought that. And instantly feel guilty as though believing I'm ugly is of value?
Do I believe I could ever be free of self hate? Why or why not? I want to believe that i could be free. But it had it so long it feels impossible. I have hope it's possible but it feels like a dream. There are moments I feel freedom and I relish it. But it terrifies me as well. Not sure why.
Compare phoos of me as a child (I don't have many. Maybe 7) and compare them with when I was first married, and compare those to now. Which pictures do I look happiest and why? The one where I'm fatter because I'm still in denial about my abuse. And using food as a crutch to cope.
Make a list of personality traits that define me now, and compare them to when I was a kid. How have they changed? Sadly, they haven't really. The good ones (loyal, funny, outspoken) are still there but so are the bad (angry, rebellious) are still there. I'm still wounded and trying to fit in. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up all at once.
Spend the night talking with husband about when we met and what drew him to me. Focus on the love in his eyes, and find out why it's hard to believe. This is funny, because he was writing this blog which talked about how we met. And he said that I was intoxicating, drew him in with my laugh. That I made his world spin, and I made him forget about everyone else in the world. It's hard to picture myself like that. I'm so dull and drab. I can't wrap my mind around that.
Well, this has been long enough. haha I need to clean the house and hang out with the kids. Laundry is DONE. With seven people here, that task is ginormous.
The drive home yesterday was slow and stressful. But we made it safely, and the roads were ok today. No delays for school. That was nice.
Therapy was really good yesterday. Everything seemed to work together. The conversation with my husband on the way to church, what I'm working through in the book, what the therapist said. That was pretty amazing. I'll start at the beginning. My husband and I were talking about my friend whom has an eating disorder. She's anorexic, but vomits. So I'm not sure how all of that works. Anyway, he said she was sicker than me. And for some reason this upset me. crazy, I know! I don't want to be sick, and yet EVERYTHING is a competition!! There are times it feels as though he downplays my illness simply because I'm not as sick as her, and haven't been as sick as long. I know this isn't true because I've also watched him weep, shoulders heaving, and snot pouring about losing me to death. So, I'm not sure why I'd want to be "sicker" when I don't want to be sick at all. I brought it up to my therapist, and she seems to think that it's because people who are sick get attention, and that is something I crave. I'll buy that for a dollar. But it's with EVERYTHING. You're sick? I'm sicker. You're strong? I'm stronger? You're weak? I'm weaker. I'm not openly like this, mind you. Because I realize how ridiculous it is! I keep my mouth shut and act accordingly. But somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be the best at everything, even if those things contradict each other. I can't be both the skinniest and the strongest. Those two things contradict one another. At least, in the way I mean them. It's something that I hate that I do.
So I get to the therapist office and I'm finally alone and have free time. I start working on the Mom in the Mirror book. Here are the questions.
What are my bruises? Never feel good enough. Smart enough. Loved. I feel like my love from others is based on what I can do for them, so when I mess up I won't be loved. I'm not sure when this started.
Whom do I blame? My mom. She was the person responsible for me. She was the closest. She was on drugs and emotionally absent. Im not sure why I don't blame my dad. He wasn't around, which could be a reason why I'm afraid of not being good enough. I've forgiven them both, but my mom is harder to let go of given the amount abuse she let me endure. I always felt like I was in competition with her drugs, and with my brother. Especially when I grew up hearing things from time to time like, "If I were driving over a bridge and the car gave out, it wouldn't be you that I saved." or when she got out of the mental institute she came home to NO electric. Her animals were DEAD. And it was a very stressful situation. Which is understandable. She went to sit down at the dinner table and my brother and I were fighting over whom was going to sit next to her. She openly told me she wanted to stab me with her steak knife. She would make promises to us, and only follow through with the ones for my brother. She gave away the motorcycle that I was supposed to get that was my brothers to someone else. My mom had a 57 chevy and a 63 Impala. I was supposed to get the 63. She didn't do that. Instead, I got my brothers old ford Festiva that he drove his pathfinder on. She was always so consumed with him because he was a trouble maker. But I got left in the dark. Or the time that my sister in law loaned me her purse that was from my brother. My brother got mad at her and he was a ruthless guy. He's thrown pushmowers at my mom (he's over 6'4" and STRONG! Plus cracked out), he's broken windows to drag my sister in law through. Anyway, he got upset with her for loaning the purse, so she told him I stole it. My mom believed her. I was so hurt. That was the first time that I did something to hurt myself to relieve the pain. I punched a pine tree and let my hands welt up and it felt wonderful. Anyway, I got shit on a lot as a kid.
How do my bruises affect the way I parent? I parent from guilt or fear. I never feel like I'm doing enough for them. Spending enough time with them. Loving them enough. Teaching them enough. I try not to yell at them because I fear of losing my temper so they push me around. Then I snap out and scream and feel guilty, and try to make it up to them. I fear they will feel like I'm like my mom, that they will think I am broken and damaged them.
How do I take my disappointments out on food? I punish myself with food. I reward myself with food. I try to give myself a reason to be proud with food (thin), or a distraction from other things I dont' want to deal with. it's so much easier to be sick and focus on the important task of saving my life than it is to deal with real issues like my brokenness or how others let me down. How I wish my husband were closer with the kids.
What unmet needs are you still trying to have your family fill? Love. I want them to love me, and love each other. I want them to be proud of me, to look up to me. I want them to recognize that I've done my best. That I'm a good person. I just want a sense of family, pride, and love.
What are gifts that other people say that I posses? I actually asked people. hahaha good at giving advice, at being a friend, a wife, and a mother, I'm thoughtful, faithful, smart, loyal, honest (sometimes brutally so), dedicated, bold, giving, helpful, intelligent, kind, loving, trustworthy, good at photography, open, brave, dependable, caring, cheerful, friendly, none judgemental, understanding, and I keep reaching out towards hope.
So I get into therapy, and we talk about how I'm in competition with everyone, and how I hate it! We discuss most of this. And she says that my husband may not realize how sick I am because he's in denial. but I don't feel sick either. I go back and forth of feeling like I'm going to die if I don't get this under control, and then thinking I'm fine. But does a healthy girl whose been to the doctor a million times suddenly get leaky valves and heart murmurs from being fine? that's four years worth of consistent starving.
That's why she said my eating disorder is a coping skill, because it gives me something else to focus on so I don't have to focus on the issues that bother me.
I cried a lot during therapy, and laughed some, too. I shared most of it with my husband. We are pretty open with each other about things, even if its unpleasant. I can't tell people enough what it means to have such a good friend. He's going to write a blog about dealing with someone who has an eating disorder.
I appreciated what others said to me about whom they thought I was. It's nice to sometimes see myself through others eyes
Then I came home and did the next chapter of the book. Here are the answers:
How emotionally bruised was I when we got married? I was really bad off carrying all of my baggage from life. None of it was deal with. I didn't realize the extent until after I was married. I wasn't even aware everything I went through was abuse because it was my normal.
Do I look at my husband to fix my problems or do I blame him for some of them? Both. I often refer to him as my crazy glue. But there are times I get angry with him. Sometimes it's justified. Sometimes it's not. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm frustrated I somehow make it his fault. Like my friend not coming over was his fault because he wasn't willing to get sick. In the end it was. Her choice and I let some stupid emotion ruin the little time we have together. Stupid. But Im getting better at recognizing that.
How healthy was my self esteem when I became an adult? Not good at all. My self esteem has always been wrapped up in my looks and even though I felt ok with my body, it's a false sense of esteem given that it can change from moment to moment.
How did it change when I got married? It got worse. Him asking me to not wear revealing clothes made me feel ugly. And the. I put on weight. So I had nothing of my pseudo self esteem.
Do I feel like I know who I am? Yes and no. I know parts of myself but I often feel out of place. I often feel like I have two people living inside of me.
Do I believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful? I do. But I'm just amazed at how he can think so. Sometimes he says its because I don't work and I sit around watching tv with beautiful people on it, so I compare myself to that. When in reality if I were in the real world I would see most people are uglier. Lol this shouldn't be funny but somehow is.
Do I tend to despise or accept my reflection? Despise. Rarely will I think I'm not that ugly. And when that moment hits I am shocked I thought that. And instantly feel guilty as though believing I'm ugly is of value?
Do I believe I could ever be free of self hate? Why or why not? I want to believe that i could be free. But it had it so long it feels impossible. I have hope it's possible but it feels like a dream. There are moments I feel freedom and I relish it. But it terrifies me as well. Not sure why.
Compare phoos of me as a child (I don't have many. Maybe 7) and compare them with when I was first married, and compare those to now. Which pictures do I look happiest and why? The one where I'm fatter because I'm still in denial about my abuse. And using food as a crutch to cope.
Make a list of personality traits that define me now, and compare them to when I was a kid. How have they changed? Sadly, they haven't really. The good ones (loyal, funny, outspoken) are still there but so are the bad (angry, rebellious) are still there. I'm still wounded and trying to fit in. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up all at once.
Spend the night talking with husband about when we met and what drew him to me. Focus on the love in his eyes, and find out why it's hard to believe. This is funny, because he was writing this blog which talked about how we met. And he said that I was intoxicating, drew him in with my laugh. That I made his world spin, and I made him forget about everyone else in the world. It's hard to picture myself like that. I'm so dull and drab. I can't wrap my mind around that.
Well, this has been long enough. haha I need to clean the house and hang out with the kids. Laundry is DONE. With seven people here, that task is ginormous.