Journaling
So so so tempted to weigh in today. I woke up and was getting dressed, fully naked in the mirror and thought... I don't look too bad! Turning around and saying.. yeah, I have curves. I've had five kids and I've lost 90 pounds.... I don't look too bad. Then I instantly felt guilty for being vain. I also wanted to run downstairs to weigh myself to have the scale validate that I had the right to feel good about myself. Then I thought.. fuck you. I'm just going to enjoy it. But I am excited about weighing in tomorrow. I hope it doesn't disappoint. Or I don't go eating more brownies.
I hurt my knee yesterday. I think doing the insanity. I will need to modify that when I go back to it. For today, I'm taking it easy on the knees. Just did weights instead. I'm up to doing 6 rep, 20 pound bicept curls. And a 50 pound deadlift. Not too shabby. Eating is definitely paying off. My strength is returning. I broke three records with my lifting. So, I'm excited.
Still working on the book. I skipped and read the chapter 7 about intuitive eating. I guess I was looking for more information. It basically said eat what you want, when you want but only when hungry and stopping when full. but... how do I know what I want? Does that sound silly? I look at the macros and go off of that. Or my body would want brownies everyday, because the fat girl inside of me won't die.
ok.. the reflections part:
Do I carve out time each day for myself, or do I spend every minute serving others? I spend time with myself everyday. I mean, I exercise, and I enjoy doing that. I will chat on the phone a few times a week, and I'm reading this book. I sometimes take photos and edit them. I'm wondering if exercise and this book should count towards time for me? I mean, exercise is part of my compulsion and ED. And this book is not exactly fun all the time with the constant reflections. Don't get my wrong, it's a GREAT book, but it's a hard book as well. So.. Idk.
How often do I take the time to remember who I used to be, before I got married or had kids? Honestly, I don't know who I am. Or who I was. I was so busy trying to fit in and find love, that I never discovered myself. I met my ex at 15 and tried to be everything he wanted, and then when that didn't work out I met my husband and tried to be everything he wanted. So, I think I'm getting to know myself, and I think its confusing and scary sometimes.
Do I find myself resenting my husband for wanting to spend time with me? Not really. I enjoy spending time with him. I just resent what he likes to do with his time when we do spend it together.
How often do I treat myself to a pedicure or some other indulgence to make me feel better about myself? Well, I paint my own nails. Often. Weekly. Because it gives me something else to really focus on and shuts everything else out. So, I would say that I'm getting better at this. Although, Its usually not very relaxing because I'm rushed and kids are waking up and smudge the nails. haha
Do I delegate, appreciate, and date my husband? Honestly... yes. The delegating is difficult for me to do. But I have taken to doing it. I will ask him to bath the little guys or get them ready for bed. And he will 95% of the time do what I have asked. Which I appreciate. Immensely. I definitely appreciate my husband. I should probably tell him more often. And I date my husband. We may not go out of the house, but we do movie nights, and coffee dates, and snuggle often.
I liked this chapter. It made me feel like I was headed in the right direction. All of these things are things that I just started doing for myself.
One of the paragraphs that spoke to me is the few where Emily specifically mentions any specifics in religion. She wrote, "The rails of the crib are like the cross: we die to ourselves and hold babies into sleep and then crawl into bed and love husbands into theirs. And afterward, we lie awake, knowing it's all a choice, and we would do it all over again. Because this bending over tired is white-gowned worship, a holy way of being woman." Loved that.
And of course, I had to do the other reflections because I NEEDED to know what they said about food.
What keeps me from trusting my body completely? I've been over weight. My hunger cues are so jacked up that I'm never sure what's going on with me, and my body (when left to it's own devices) will crave junk and binge. And there's no way as thin as I was growing up that my body's natural weight is over 200 pounds.
What keeps me from trusting me children to know what they need? The fact that the older three have had TWO parents be obese. One required surgery to lose the weight. and I see my oldest with a tendency towards over eating, and my daughter with a tendency to under eat. That's hard to just overlook. I want to help them.
Do I force my children to finish the baby food jar or clean his plate, even when he shows signs of being full? No. but I will most definitely make them finish an appropriate amount of food if it's just dislike. I am broke. I can't afford to feed kids whatever they want.
Do I give my child a cookie anytime he is hurt or upset in an effort to comfort him? I believe that I wrote recently that I can't solve my kids problems with a cookie anymore. Which was a half joke. There are times that I have done this as a distraction, and times I don't. I try to steer away from it, but I have been guilty of this in the past.
Do I use food to reward or bribe my kids? Not at all.
Do I gobble up leftovers from my childrens plates for fear of waste, thereby treating my body as a garbage can and not as the temple that it is? Not usually. but I have been guilty of this in the past. I normally don't... it's only when I'm leaning towards a binge that I'll start eating these small things.
Am I more afraid of getting cancer or becoming fat? Cancer. For sure. Fat I can change, cancer is sometimes death. But have you seen the amount of SHIT that is in food, the carcinogens? It's like you can't eat without eating GMO's, and antibiotics, and growth hormones.... ugh.
Does feeding my children or myself make me anxious? Why or why not? Do I view food as nourishing fuel to be enjoyed? Feeding my children doesn't make my anxious. It's healthy food. they are growing. . But I do get anxious feeding myself. I am not growing, and I don't need as much but have a tendency to binge. I do view food as fuel, but I don't feel as though I need to be fueled as much. IDK.
So, you are all caught up. Today's plans are to relax a bit since my knee hurts. Get some laundry done (that was a quick reprieve), and just hang out.
'
I hurt my knee yesterday. I think doing the insanity. I will need to modify that when I go back to it. For today, I'm taking it easy on the knees. Just did weights instead. I'm up to doing 6 rep, 20 pound bicept curls. And a 50 pound deadlift. Not too shabby. Eating is definitely paying off. My strength is returning. I broke three records with my lifting. So, I'm excited.
Still working on the book. I skipped and read the chapter 7 about intuitive eating. I guess I was looking for more information. It basically said eat what you want, when you want but only when hungry and stopping when full. but... how do I know what I want? Does that sound silly? I look at the macros and go off of that. Or my body would want brownies everyday, because the fat girl inside of me won't die.
ok.. the reflections part:
Do I carve out time each day for myself, or do I spend every minute serving others? I spend time with myself everyday. I mean, I exercise, and I enjoy doing that. I will chat on the phone a few times a week, and I'm reading this book. I sometimes take photos and edit them. I'm wondering if exercise and this book should count towards time for me? I mean, exercise is part of my compulsion and ED. And this book is not exactly fun all the time with the constant reflections. Don't get my wrong, it's a GREAT book, but it's a hard book as well. So.. Idk.
How often do I take the time to remember who I used to be, before I got married or had kids? Honestly, I don't know who I am. Or who I was. I was so busy trying to fit in and find love, that I never discovered myself. I met my ex at 15 and tried to be everything he wanted, and then when that didn't work out I met my husband and tried to be everything he wanted. So, I think I'm getting to know myself, and I think its confusing and scary sometimes.
Do I find myself resenting my husband for wanting to spend time with me? Not really. I enjoy spending time with him. I just resent what he likes to do with his time when we do spend it together.
How often do I treat myself to a pedicure or some other indulgence to make me feel better about myself? Well, I paint my own nails. Often. Weekly. Because it gives me something else to really focus on and shuts everything else out. So, I would say that I'm getting better at this. Although, Its usually not very relaxing because I'm rushed and kids are waking up and smudge the nails. haha
Do I delegate, appreciate, and date my husband? Honestly... yes. The delegating is difficult for me to do. But I have taken to doing it. I will ask him to bath the little guys or get them ready for bed. And he will 95% of the time do what I have asked. Which I appreciate. Immensely. I definitely appreciate my husband. I should probably tell him more often. And I date my husband. We may not go out of the house, but we do movie nights, and coffee dates, and snuggle often.
I liked this chapter. It made me feel like I was headed in the right direction. All of these things are things that I just started doing for myself.
One of the paragraphs that spoke to me is the few where Emily specifically mentions any specifics in religion. She wrote, "The rails of the crib are like the cross: we die to ourselves and hold babies into sleep and then crawl into bed and love husbands into theirs. And afterward, we lie awake, knowing it's all a choice, and we would do it all over again. Because this bending over tired is white-gowned worship, a holy way of being woman." Loved that.
And of course, I had to do the other reflections because I NEEDED to know what they said about food.
What keeps me from trusting my body completely? I've been over weight. My hunger cues are so jacked up that I'm never sure what's going on with me, and my body (when left to it's own devices) will crave junk and binge. And there's no way as thin as I was growing up that my body's natural weight is over 200 pounds.
What keeps me from trusting me children to know what they need? The fact that the older three have had TWO parents be obese. One required surgery to lose the weight. and I see my oldest with a tendency towards over eating, and my daughter with a tendency to under eat. That's hard to just overlook. I want to help them.
Do I force my children to finish the baby food jar or clean his plate, even when he shows signs of being full? No. but I will most definitely make them finish an appropriate amount of food if it's just dislike. I am broke. I can't afford to feed kids whatever they want.
Do I give my child a cookie anytime he is hurt or upset in an effort to comfort him? I believe that I wrote recently that I can't solve my kids problems with a cookie anymore. Which was a half joke. There are times that I have done this as a distraction, and times I don't. I try to steer away from it, but I have been guilty of this in the past.
Do I use food to reward or bribe my kids? Not at all.
Do I gobble up leftovers from my childrens plates for fear of waste, thereby treating my body as a garbage can and not as the temple that it is? Not usually. but I have been guilty of this in the past. I normally don't... it's only when I'm leaning towards a binge that I'll start eating these small things.
Am I more afraid of getting cancer or becoming fat? Cancer. For sure. Fat I can change, cancer is sometimes death. But have you seen the amount of SHIT that is in food, the carcinogens? It's like you can't eat without eating GMO's, and antibiotics, and growth hormones.... ugh.
Does feeding my children or myself make me anxious? Why or why not? Do I view food as nourishing fuel to be enjoyed? Feeding my children doesn't make my anxious. It's healthy food. they are growing. . But I do get anxious feeding myself. I am not growing, and I don't need as much but have a tendency to binge. I do view food as fuel, but I don't feel as though I need to be fueled as much. IDK.
So, you are all caught up. Today's plans are to relax a bit since my knee hurts. Get some laundry done (that was a quick reprieve), and just hang out.
'