day 1
day 1 of not weighing myself was a success. Since I felt like I over ate yesterday (2069 was my total calorie in take) I felt the need to do damage control and went for a walk. Didn't get as far as u wanted. 1.75 miles. better than nothing. That left me with the calories in the 1900s. And I woke up feeling hot because I sleep with the blanket over my face since I'm always cold. for some reason being hot makes me feel swollen. So. . I dont want to weigh myself. I also have a headache and can tell it's going to be a struggle to eat. All kinds of ideas bouncing around in my head.
The medicine I took last night hasn't worm off. I feel hungover. And tired.
odd thought. Every 7 years your skin replaces itself. is almost like you're a new person. which means shortly my husband and I will have only touched these bodies. These bodies week have only been with each other. I'm sure that sounds odd. But as an abuse victim (and a jealous wife-ugh) it makes me feel good.
On another note.. something funny that happened to me yesterday. I have been talking to a friend about how I feel the need to control everything, and that I can't trust God. After life long abuse, and suffering at the hands of others it is hard to see that God was in control and that He allowed those things to happen. It's something that I struggle with. And when people say during a hard time, "Just trust in God!" I want to literally curse them out. Are you kidding me? I have trusted in God, and sometimes he uses sucky circumstances to sanctify me. You are invalidating my feelings when you tell me this. Have you not read the Old Testament about the Jews wondering in the desert land (just outside the promiseland!) for 40 years, after being under slavery for how many years? Have you not read the book of Job? People suffer. It's in Gods plan, and he uses it for our good and his glory. Don't pretend like God doesn't have hardships planned. Or that it's going to be peachy. Anyway, so I've been struggling with trust. And I've been struggling with weight gain since I said that I wouldn't go below 130, and yet I am. So, yesterday I get up at 4, almost on the dot! What is one to do without waking everyone up in the house? Read my bible. In the bible reading that was sent to my email it was Proverns 28:25 that read "He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: BUT HE THAT PUTTETH HIS TRUST IN THE lORD SHALL BE MADE FAT!" Boy, does God have a sense of humor! I know that's not what this actual verse means, but it struck me as really funny.
I thought I would also share this song that I really like. It's written by a man about his family, and what he wants to be. The first time I heard it, I bawled like a baby. Straight up ugly cry. Let me know if you listen to it, and what you think.
Click me, I'm worth it :-)
I received an email from my ex. He's severely bipolar with me. one minute he is telling me things that I don't even care to know about his life, which I rarely respond to. Then he is lashing out, or being passive aggressive. When I had my daughter home from school because it was Halloween, he had written the day of (30 minutes before he wanted to see her) and asked to have her. He does that last minute shit all the time! I told him that I had plans to spend the day with her. Offered him to come get them on Saturday. He said he couldn't. I offered the kids to him on Sunday, and he never even gave me a response! I wrote him to ask if he received my email regarding visitation on Sunday? No response. Last night, I get an email from him saying, "is it safe to assume that you will not be attending the parent teacher conference this year?" Which is a shitty way to phrase something. I wanted to write back, "No, asshole. I'm not. Like every year, I have a phone conference with the teacher. And I also am in touch with them throughout the school year, not just putting in an appearance the one time a year!" When I had my boys tell him about their problems in school, he says to them, "What am I supposed to do about it?" He isn't involved with them, doesn't resolve school issues, or hand out punishments. But then acts like I'm a bad parent because I don't physically make myself present at their school. Meanwhile, I'm actually the person involved. My husband said not to respond to him at all. So, that's the route that I took. I'm not even sure why it's important for him to know if I am showing up or not? He's already told me that he has attempted to make contact with the teachers and they haven't responded. In my opinion, that's crap and he's being lazy. ANYTIME I have contacted the teachers, they have returned my phone calls that day, or the next. They are very quick, efficient, and friendly. He just wants to have equal say without putting in equal work. Err...
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