Fanfic: Being Someone (Law & Order: SVU; femslash)
Title: Being Someone
Author: hotpink
Warning: Femslash; Alex/Olivia. Explicit sexuality.
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Author's Note: A missing scene from Ghost.
*It's hard to be someone you aren't.*
As Alex studied the file Olivia had given her, those words echoed in her head. Olivia was curled in the chair across from her, apparently absorbed in a novel she'd retrieved from her overnight bag. They had maintained a comfortable silence for the past hour, both apparently focused on their reading material. But those words, and the despair and hurt that had briefly crossed Olivia's face when Alex had mentioned her life as Emily, continued to demand her attention.
She had only wanted to share the intense loneliness that had dominated her life for the past two years, to talk openly with someone who could understand and sympathize. But even as the careless words had left her mouth, she'd known she'd screwed up. In describing the times she'd felt her loneliness and emptiness most strongly, she'd also chosen details that would hurt. When tears had suddenly glistened in Liv's eyes, Alex had silently cursed herself.
Two years ago, they had been left undone -- a relationship severed just as they figured out how to sustain it, and a parting without the chance for a real goodbye. As they'd stood before the crowd of federal marshals and Elliot that night, Alex had harshly suppressed the urge to reach for Olivia, to whisper false assurances and apologies, to hold her before they'd separated. Olivia had stood frozen, her eyes and face conveying what she couldn't say or do.
Alex had left that hasty meeting expecting that she'd never see Olivia again, that she was to forever remain an unsolved homicide in New York City's crime database. She had locked Olivia away in a dedicated section of her heart and memory, and hoped that Liv would have the strength and wisdom to do the same.
But it was obvious that Liv hadn't found the closure she'd wanted for her; that perhaps the knowledge that Alex was still alive had forbidden her. She hadn't moved on in the way that Alex had wanted her to, in the way that Alex had tried -- and as she secretly knew, failed -- herself.
Now, Alex didn't know where they stood and feared to find out. But she also feared the continuation of this silence, and knew that Olivia would never break it.
"I can't go back, you know," Alex said. But she didn't lift her head from the file, didn't look at Liv.
"Go back?"
"To Wisconsin. To being Emily."
Alex only really admitted this to herself as she admitted it to Liv. When she'd decided to come back here -- to save her detectives and her precinct from Casey's desperate and unknowing mistake -- she'd destroyed whatever new life she had built for herself. She had returned to the same empty place she'd been in two years ago, two years wasted on nothing but pure survival.
"Even if they convict him, you're not going to be safe here. The cartel's still going to want you dead. More now than before. You've embarrassed them."
The sense of helplessness that colored Liv's voice tore at her. She knew that Liv hated being unable to protect the ones she loved; she knew that fear had been a major source of weakness in their relationship. She suspected that her fate had probably only reinforced Liv's refusal to become involved with anyone.
"I know that. It's another new life, another new beginning." Another attempt to become someone else, another attempt to pretend that her past didn't exist and her life wasn't important. Another chance to spend sleepless nights staring into the darkness and worrying that she'd accidently betrayed herself, waiting for that day when -- despite all efforts -- she'd be discovered and murdered. Waiting for failure.
Alex finally looked up from the file she'd already studied intensely enough to memorize, the file she'd barely looked at for the past thirty minutes.
Olivia wasn't looking at her. Her elbow was resting on the arm of the chair, her right hand half-covering her eyes. The paperback novel was resting on her knee, barely held open by her left thumb. Her heart fell at the sight.
Alex crossed over to her, kneeing before her. "Liv . . . "
"Alex, stop," Olivia whispered, but there was no force behind her words.
She ignored her request, and gently forced Olivia to meet her eyes. The corners of her eyes were wet, and more tears were threatening. "Liv, don't . . ."
"What? Don't cry? It's not what I'd be doing, if I had a choice."
"So what would you be doing?" Alex allowed some humor to enter her voice, trying to lighten the mood. "What exactly would you be doing, Olivia?"
"This . . . " Olivia whispered, and leaned down to capture Alex's lips.
Alex relaxed into the kiss, forgetting everything else for a brief moment. She wrapped her arms around Olivia and the book fell to the floor with a muffled thump. She combed her fingers through Liv's hair -- hair longer and wilder than she remembered -- as Liv's fingers slipped under the hem of her shirt and began to caress her lower back.
They broke apart, gasping for breath, and Livia looked down at her, a quiet desperation twisting her face. "What about your insurance adjuster?"
"He'll move on. I think he suspected that he was only for the moment."
Liv shook her head at her. "That's cold, Alex."
"And heartless; and all I had to give. Nights were damn lonely out there on my own."
"Nights were damn lonely here too, you know."
"But you had Elliot, Munch, Finn -- you still had your life."
"Missing a major piece."
"Everything was gone from mine." The discussion threatened to bring back memories of those early, empty days, the days when she'd wished that she had died from that gunshot wound. She suddenly turned her head away from Olivia, refusing to meet her eyes.
Olivia caught her breath, leaned back in her chair, and took Alex's hands firmly in her own. "Sweetheart, I know. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this. I promised myself that I wouldn't make it worse with blame you don't deserve or by forcing you to confront something you can't handle. I don't care what you did to survive, or what you have to do . . . I'm so sorry."
The sound of her pet name hit Alex hard. She'd forgotten it. Or rather, she'd forced herself to forget it. To forget that it was the last thing she'd heard as her mind suffocated with pain and fear, to forget the nightmares that tied it to Liv's terrified face. "Olivia . . ." she stammered, then pushed herself forward to embrace her.
The two of them ended up crowded into the chair together, Olivia cradling Alex as sobs tore through Alex's body. Liv's tears fell more silently into Alex's hair, and Alex buried her face in Liv's chest, unable to stop crying, unable to find thoughts or words that would comfort either of them.
As Alex slowly calmed, Olivia continued to hold her close. Alex looked up into her red-rimmed eyes, and Olivia smiled down at her. "Well, this could be considered a compromising position, couldn't it, counselor?"
"We're both too fully clothed for that accusation, I'd think." Alex paused, then dared to continue, to offer Liv what she could. "Not that I'd be unwilling to be caught in a compromising position tonight . . ."
"Ah, I see . . ."
In one fluid movement, Liv had Alex's shirt over her head. A moment later, Alex's bra and Liv's t-shirts joined her shirt on the floor. Although Alex felt the breathless confusion of a situation taken out of her control, she enjoyed the sudden feeling of the cool air on her bare skin, the warm sensation of Liv's hands across her back, her chest.
"Oh, sweetie . . . " Liv's fingers gently brushed against the scar from the entry wound. Alex had forgotten that she'd never seen it, and blushed with sudden embarrassment. When Liv tried to bring gently bring her around to see the larger scars on her back, Alex resisted, losing the moment.
"Don't," she whimpered.
"I'm sure that I've seen worse."
Alex knew that she'd seen worse, but Olivia hadn't seen worse on her. And all this, all at once . . . Alex pulled away and wiggled out of Liv's lap. The air of the hotel room raised goosebumps on her suddenly cold skin. "Liv, please stop." But once she was on her feet, she didn't know what to do. Half-naked, she stood facing Olivia, still curled in the chair. Alex crossed her arms across her chest and began to tremble.
"Whoa, okay." Olivia stood and gently took Alex by the shoulders. "Calm down, Alex. It's just us, and it's whatever you want it to be."
"It's just . . . I don't . . ." Alex didn't know what to say, feeling foolish. "I just don't want you to see it."
"Your shoulder? Why?"
"It's ugly."
"It's not ugly."
"You haven't seen it."
"It doesn't matter. I know it's not ugly."
"Oh?" Alex could feel the banter restoring her balance. "You haven't seen it. How do you know it's not ugly?"
"Because it's just a scar. We all have scars. They're not ugly, they're just part of us."
Olivia's hand slid down from Alex's shoulder, down to the general vicinity of the exit wound. Olivia's eyes remained focused on Alex's as her fingers touched the puckered skin, running her fingertips along ragged ridges that the surgeons had been unable to smooth. After a moment, Alex gave into the gentle pressure and turned around, but still tensed at the suppressed gasp that Olivia released. She almost jumped when Liv's lips touched the scar in a gentle kiss, then relaxed as she pulled Alex against her chest in a hug.
"Definitely not ugly," Liv whispered into her hair.
The tears threatened to fall again, but Alex refused to allow them. Even Tim hadn't been really accepting of her scars, suggesting a few times that a good plastic surgeon could eliminate them. She'd refused, unwilling to let go of even the unpleasant reminder of her nonexistent life. No matter how much she hated her scars, they were an unforgettable part of her past life. A connection back to ADA Alex Cabot, and to the woman whose hands had been stained with her blood as she pleaded for her to stay alive . . .
"So, whatever I want it to be?"
"Whatever, Alex. If you want us to put our shirts back on and play board games for the rest of the evening, it's your call. I'll accept whatever you're willing to let me have tonight."
Alex turned in Olivia's arms, wrapping her arms around Liv's waist. Liv loosened hers and tried to pull back. "You're still wearing your bra." She reached up and quickly unsnapped the clasp, then stepped back, drawing Liv's bra down suddenly slack arms.
"That's better," she stated, dropping the bra onto the pile by the chair and sizing Liv up with what she hoped was a lustful look.
Based on the intensely predatory smile Liv gave her in return, she'd adequately conveyed her message. Liv reached out and took Alex by the hand, then pulled her over to the bed with laugh.
Alex resisted falling into the bed, instead pushing Liv down onto her back. After a momentary hesitation, Liv sprawled across the flowered comforter, looking up at Alex with surprise and smouldering expectation. In their past, Alex had usually allowed Liv to seduce her. But tonight . . . tonight she owed Olivia. Tonight was about Olivia.
With fingers made clumsy by nervousness, Alex unbuttoned Liv's jeans. Olivia lifted her hips to help her remove the jeans and panties, and finally lay naked in front of her. Alex ran her eyes down the familiar curves, oddly reassured by what little change the past two years had wrought, then moved to kneel above her.
With her knees on either side of Liv's hips, she bent to kiss her. After a tentative few seconds, she ran her tongue along Liv's lower lip, and her mouth opened to welcome her. As their tongues dueled, Olivia braced herself against the bed and shifted her hips in a silent plea. Alex slipped her hand between their bodies and discovered how wet Liv already was with a smug delight. Had she played the coward tonight, she would have had one unsatisfied woman sharing her hotel room. She intentionally withdraw after only briefly brushing her fingers against Liv's moist folds, and Liv moaned against her lips.
Alex ended the kiss and trailed her mouth down Olivia's jaw and neck to her breast. First, she circled the nipple gently with her tongue, then captured and rolled it gently between her front teeth. With lips and tongue and teeth, she continued to torture the nipple, ignoring Liv's increasingly desperate moans and thrusting hips.
After transferring her attention to the other nipple for some additional torture, Alex sat back on her heels to survey the scene before her. Liv's hair was strewn across the pillow, her eyes half-lipped and glazed with desire. She had caught her lower lip between her teeth, possibly in an futile attempt to silence herself. After taking a few deep breaths to steady herself, Liv smiled up at her. "You haven't lost your touch, sweetheart."
"What do you want?" Alex wanted to give Liv whatever she desired. To make her forget the past two years, the lonely nights she suspected that she'd endured.
"Whatever you want, Alex. Alex . . . " Liv's voice faded to a whisper, and she brought her fingers up to lightly touch Alex's jaw. "My Alex . . . "
The simple sound of Olivia whispering her name in a voice rough with passion and desire shook Alex to her core. Although she'd known how the sound of her assigned name grated at her ears and echoed in the emptiness in her soul, she had forgotten how right her real name could sound. She had forgotten the emotions and promises and meaning that her name could hold, when spoken by the right person.
Alex closed her eyes and bent her head, allowing her hair to brush lightly against Liv's fingers. Then she gently took Liv's hand, returned it to the bed, and repositioned herself between Liv's legs.
She gently pushed Liv's bent legs apart, and trailed kisses from her right knee down her inner thigh. She spread Liv's folds with one hand and entered her with a single finger, pushing firmly upwards. She was rewarded as Liv's let out an involuntary gasp and her hips jerked forward, drawing her finger deeply inside.
Riding Liv's involuntary rhythm, she used that finger to continue to stimulate Liv, bending it just slightly so that it rubbed against her clit with every movement of Liv's hips. She slowly trailed kisses down Liv's left thigh, waiting until she heard Liv's whisper.
"Alex, please . . . "
She finished placing kisses down Liv's inner thigh, and paused for a moment, pretending that she was completely absorbed with kissing, nipping and licking the patch of skin just next to where Liv wanted her attention. She could smell the distinctiveness saltiness of Liv's arousal, could feel her warmth and moisture embracing her finger but begging for more. Liv moaned once again, and Alex abruptly withdrew her finger and attacked Liv's clit with lips, tongue and teeth.
One night early in their relationship, Liv had shyly admitted to her that she liked it a little rough. She liked to feel the risky pleasure just on the brink of pain. Gentle and slow sex was fine, but when Alex wanted to take her to the edge and send her screaming into intense orgasm, she had learned to be rough, to nip, to push to what she thought were Liv's limits, and then push a little more.
She lapped at Liv's clit with her tongue, then nipped it with her teeth. When Liv responded with a high-pitched moan and solidly pushed herself against Alex's mouth, she quickly slipped two fingers inside, spreading them slightly to push firmly against either side. Then she slightly curled them as her mouth continued to alternate between lapping and nipping, and used just the tips of her nails to scratch lightly but firmly against the sensitive skin deep within.
Liv immediately tightened around her fingers and let loose a muffled scream as her orgasm shook her body. Alex continued to tease her through it, becoming more gentle but continuing her ministrations. After several seconds, Liv went limp and Alex lifted her head.
Liv lay sprawled before her, legs spread and limp, her right wrist laying across her mouth. Alex crawled up her body, and looked into Liv's exhausted eyes.
With an unexpected burst of energy, Liv suddenly seized Alex and rolled, trapping Alex under her body. She then captured Alex's mouth in a forceful kiss, and after a few seconds, just as abruptly pulled away. "I love to taste myself on your lips," she said.
Alex smiled up at her, and passion suddenly darkened Liv's eyes again. "I also want to taste you," she said, her hands fumbling at the slacks and panties that Alex still wore. Alex quickly helped her remove them, and Liv immediately began nuzzling her, ignoring all other preliminaries. Her tongue teased her clit for a moment then plunged deep within.
Alex began to drown in the waves of pleasure, and an intense orgasm spilled over her as she gasped out Olivia's name.
As Alex lay still, recovering, Liv curled up at her side then pulled her against her chest. Liv's breath tickled the hair at the nape of her neck, and she lay quietly, barely believing what had just occurred. When she'd decided to return, Alex had steeled herself to learn that Liv had moved on, that Liv had found herself someone else to share her nights and her bed. She hadn't even allowed herself this fantasy, never expecting that she'd be permitted the reality.
"Liv . . . "
"Hmmmm?"
"I don't believe this."
Liv laughed into her hair, then gently squeezed her breast. "Oh, believe it."
"What are we going to do?"
"Enjoy the moment. There's nothing else we can do. Tomorrow will come tomorrow. But tonight . . . we're here and nothing else exists."
Alex sighed and tried to accept that thought. Tomorrow, she'd go into the courtroom and face the man who'd shot her from a position of weakness -- as a witness without much of substance to say and a jury to play. Tomorrow, or the next day, she'd have to hand her life over to Hammond once again, and go face another new life. Tomorrow, she was at the mercy of everyone, with a life out of her control, a life so unlike what she'd planned and desired. It all seemed unreal.
"I love you."
"Oh, sweetie . . ." Olivia sighed, hesitated, then continued. "I love you too."
She didn't begrudge Liv that hesitation. She wondered what thoughts were racing through Liv's mind, what regrets and fears she was suppressing, but remained silent. They weren't worries that could be conquered if spoken, the only promises and reassurances that could be offered were guaranteed to be broken.
They separated just long enough to pull the covers over them, then snuggled against one another once again. Alex didn't usually sleep naked, but didn't want to emerge from the little cocoon to find her nightgown, so found herself quickly drifting off, skin-to-skin, warm against Olivia's side.
As she approached the barrier between waking and sleep, the place where thoughts start to drift and the world becomes hazy, Liv pulled her closer and whispered in a voice so quiet that it could have been from a dream, "Alex. My Alex."
Alex smiled. That was right.