i'm wide awake; it's officially morning
i knew the four shots of espresso was gonna be a bad idea, but i love coffee. so as i sit here and compile some random thoughts that i constantly mull over in my head i hope that i start to get drowsy so i can get some sleep before i go to work at 6. prepare yourself for a read.
in hopes to clear my head a little - like a good chunk of mucus - i hope i'm facilitating my brain. i just have some things i would like to get off my mind. but like smoking weed out of a coke can i hope you don't pull too much out of this. i would love to share my stash with you and hope you get high, but i feel it's highly unlikely. so i'm gonna pack this bowl up for you and let you smoke it however you want to.
i quit school. sometimes i don't know why, but the other 90% of the time i think i have a good idea. but that probably just shows signs of neurosis. i'm not really an egomaniac, but i'm eccentric to the core at times. i went to college for two semesters and the only thing i pulled out of it is that you don't really learn what you need to. i used to love math. that was high school. maybe it was the thrill of being able to finish a problem and feel some sort of accomplishment, or maybe it was to feel better than the person that couldn't understand angles. sure, i understood that ancient language to an extent, but then someone smarter started finishing problems for me. the sense of losing is a strange human characteristic. whenever it was that i learned to try and be better than the other guy is a place and time i wish i could revisit and rearrange the events of. i'm straying, but i think you get the point.
my first semester was spent at Grossmont College in La Mesa, California. i realized that the build-up to college was a whole lot harder than the actual partaking itself. maybe it was the fact that i went to a community college, but i think it's probably about the same as a university, just a whole lot less care put forth. i first started not caring when i found myself helping some of the teachers do their job. i don't think i should be paying to help you learn what i'm supposed to be learning myself. even in high school english i hated when my teacher couldn't pronounce acquiesce. i have a fond love for language but i guess my teacher didn't acquiesce with my principle. what it came down to was the paycheck she got, i'm sure.
my second semester took place at Colorado Mountain College. you're thinking, 'oh, that's why he didn't like college. he went to schools at the drug capital of the nation and bum-fucked egypt hick-town.' well, one teacher i had throughout high school was my u.s. history teacher in college. he was a mason, had a doctorate, and still to this day i find to be one of the most fascinating people i've ever met. so maybe that will quell the rumor that there's not learned individuals in hick towns. this man definitely brought the foundations of university learning to a class of about 15 people. needless to say, it was a lot of work. i didn't pass the class. i had a strong adoration for history but i just couldn't pass a single test. that might have been a minor setback to my drive to a life of 'normalcy' - learning that no matter how much you love something you're never gonna actually get it. that definitely furthered my procrastination of anything and everything that was applicable to the 'real world'.
so now i refuse to go back to school. nothing but high hopes and failure definitely changes someone's aspects on things. but then i grew, or as i feel i did. but in the metaphysical sense, and now in the concrete form as well (as i look down at my beer belly). someone like immanuel kant could probably understand what i am 'going through'. some sort of spiritual and intellectual enlightenment has corrupted my brain. it's a struggle and one that i sometimes don't feel i want anymore.
on the notion of spiritual enlightenment i don't claim to have superior thinking compared to anyone else, just an idea of my own. everyone has ideas but i think most are just concepts handed down from a basic religion that they've been force-fed to believe. it's not my place to condemn people for believing in a certain religion, but i think it's an easy way out from true understanding. i feel that with my views it's easy for people to pigeon-hole me as an atheist. it's my thought that that's just a christian's(amongst others) excuse to categorize me as an antichrist. just another person to hate and condemn to hell. i don't adamantly deny the fact that there is a god, but i have my doubts. i always hated science in school but i've come to learn that i appreciate hard evidence over faith anyday. there are some things, though, that i do rely on faith for. i don't believe in kharma really, but i do hope sometimes that some people are just collecting it for their next life. this brings me to my view that there might actually be a soul encased in these physical forms. is there such a thing as past-life regression? or can every symptom we have be determined by medical-science diagnosis? and if anybody knows me like my mom knows me, they would be able to tell you that i hate medication, doctors, treatment, et al.
i'm sure none of us can say that we know people didn't die from diseases such as cancer before the first a.d. millenium because we weren't around at that time. HIV wasn't discovered until 1969, that is if history is correct. and if history is in fact true and we're not being fed just a bunch of fabricated bullshit then humans created this disease. if darwinism proves to be true then man is creating his own downfall. it's just another factor of natural selection. we created something catastrophic by trying to fix another pandemic. i guess this is just me rambling on about a subject i probably don't know too much about, but therein lies the source of my conspiracy of mankind. these are hard thoughts to shake once you get the idea in your head.
at times i wish i could forget all of these things and just fall in line with most other people. but the thing i want most in life is understanding and knowledge. i don't want to work everyday. i don't want money. i don't want bills. the common cold. gas. anything. i just wanna be free to do what i want. not some sort of chaotic dischord but a peaceful life of exploration and adventure. but i guess you could see the entire world and never feel satiated. is there ever an end to contentment? sapere aude.
i guess we might never know.
this read was intended for one person only. he means the world to me and i don't have the balls to sit down and tell him everything i think about life. i want to be the person i used to be. there might be a contiuance to this because this didn't cover half of anything. but for now, if you took the time, thank you.
in hopes to clear my head a little - like a good chunk of mucus - i hope i'm facilitating my brain. i just have some things i would like to get off my mind. but like smoking weed out of a coke can i hope you don't pull too much out of this. i would love to share my stash with you and hope you get high, but i feel it's highly unlikely. so i'm gonna pack this bowl up for you and let you smoke it however you want to.
i quit school. sometimes i don't know why, but the other 90% of the time i think i have a good idea. but that probably just shows signs of neurosis. i'm not really an egomaniac, but i'm eccentric to the core at times. i went to college for two semesters and the only thing i pulled out of it is that you don't really learn what you need to. i used to love math. that was high school. maybe it was the thrill of being able to finish a problem and feel some sort of accomplishment, or maybe it was to feel better than the person that couldn't understand angles. sure, i understood that ancient language to an extent, but then someone smarter started finishing problems for me. the sense of losing is a strange human characteristic. whenever it was that i learned to try and be better than the other guy is a place and time i wish i could revisit and rearrange the events of. i'm straying, but i think you get the point.
my first semester was spent at Grossmont College in La Mesa, California. i realized that the build-up to college was a whole lot harder than the actual partaking itself. maybe it was the fact that i went to a community college, but i think it's probably about the same as a university, just a whole lot less care put forth. i first started not caring when i found myself helping some of the teachers do their job. i don't think i should be paying to help you learn what i'm supposed to be learning myself. even in high school english i hated when my teacher couldn't pronounce acquiesce. i have a fond love for language but i guess my teacher didn't acquiesce with my principle. what it came down to was the paycheck she got, i'm sure.
my second semester took place at Colorado Mountain College. you're thinking, 'oh, that's why he didn't like college. he went to schools at the drug capital of the nation and bum-fucked egypt hick-town.' well, one teacher i had throughout high school was my u.s. history teacher in college. he was a mason, had a doctorate, and still to this day i find to be one of the most fascinating people i've ever met. so maybe that will quell the rumor that there's not learned individuals in hick towns. this man definitely brought the foundations of university learning to a class of about 15 people. needless to say, it was a lot of work. i didn't pass the class. i had a strong adoration for history but i just couldn't pass a single test. that might have been a minor setback to my drive to a life of 'normalcy' - learning that no matter how much you love something you're never gonna actually get it. that definitely furthered my procrastination of anything and everything that was applicable to the 'real world'.
so now i refuse to go back to school. nothing but high hopes and failure definitely changes someone's aspects on things. but then i grew, or as i feel i did. but in the metaphysical sense, and now in the concrete form as well (as i look down at my beer belly). someone like immanuel kant could probably understand what i am 'going through'. some sort of spiritual and intellectual enlightenment has corrupted my brain. it's a struggle and one that i sometimes don't feel i want anymore.
on the notion of spiritual enlightenment i don't claim to have superior thinking compared to anyone else, just an idea of my own. everyone has ideas but i think most are just concepts handed down from a basic religion that they've been force-fed to believe. it's not my place to condemn people for believing in a certain religion, but i think it's an easy way out from true understanding. i feel that with my views it's easy for people to pigeon-hole me as an atheist. it's my thought that that's just a christian's(amongst others) excuse to categorize me as an antichrist. just another person to hate and condemn to hell. i don't adamantly deny the fact that there is a god, but i have my doubts. i always hated science in school but i've come to learn that i appreciate hard evidence over faith anyday. there are some things, though, that i do rely on faith for. i don't believe in kharma really, but i do hope sometimes that some people are just collecting it for their next life. this brings me to my view that there might actually be a soul encased in these physical forms. is there such a thing as past-life regression? or can every symptom we have be determined by medical-science diagnosis? and if anybody knows me like my mom knows me, they would be able to tell you that i hate medication, doctors, treatment, et al.
i'm sure none of us can say that we know people didn't die from diseases such as cancer before the first a.d. millenium because we weren't around at that time. HIV wasn't discovered until 1969, that is if history is correct. and if history is in fact true and we're not being fed just a bunch of fabricated bullshit then humans created this disease. if darwinism proves to be true then man is creating his own downfall. it's just another factor of natural selection. we created something catastrophic by trying to fix another pandemic. i guess this is just me rambling on about a subject i probably don't know too much about, but therein lies the source of my conspiracy of mankind. these are hard thoughts to shake once you get the idea in your head.
at times i wish i could forget all of these things and just fall in line with most other people. but the thing i want most in life is understanding and knowledge. i don't want to work everyday. i don't want money. i don't want bills. the common cold. gas. anything. i just wanna be free to do what i want. not some sort of chaotic dischord but a peaceful life of exploration and adventure. but i guess you could see the entire world and never feel satiated. is there ever an end to contentment? sapere aude.
i guess we might never know.
this read was intended for one person only. he means the world to me and i don't have the balls to sit down and tell him everything i think about life. i want to be the person i used to be. there might be a contiuance to this because this didn't cover half of anything. but for now, if you took the time, thank you.