Fic: And They Have a Plan (One-shot)
Title: And They Have a Plan
Author: Meg / juniperlane / betternovembers
Rating: K+ (I guess)
Characters/Pairings: Howard/Raj
Warnings: Spoilers through 3.06, The Cornhusker Vortex
Type/Word Count: One-shot, 2586
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the BBT characters, etc. I also did not do research into Caltech parking lots.
Summary: One plan, four meals, and many awkward situations for one Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
When Howard shows back up at the park bench fifteen minutes later, with the clear red imprint of a hand across his cheek, it's an easy decision to give in and pat the spot he had abandoned. Raj knows that he shouldn't fold again so easily, but he's got to hand it to Howard, at least he tries.
"So I was thinking about you while I was gone."
The look Raj shoots him is pure disbelief, and Howard smiles sheepishly and rubs his palm across his face, the pressure leaving a white trail across his cheek that slowly turns red again.
"OK, I was thinking about you on the walk back over. This whole... 'can't talk to women thing,' we've really got to work that out for you. Then we can be real, true bros! Wingmen!"
Raj immediately has a sinking feeling that whatever Howard's dreaming up this time is going to be way, way worse than anything he can imagine. But, if nothing else, it's going to be a totally lame week, with Leonard being caught up in this Penny and football BS, and Sheldon's... Sheldonness.
"Alright, fine. What did you have in mind?"
The next day, Howard comes over to his place carrying a bag of groceries and a white board. It's barely 10 AM and Raj hasn't had any coffee yet, and Howard looks disturbingly chipper. Raj drags himself into the kitchen, where Howard is digging around in his cupboards for a frying pan. There are eggs, milk, and pancake batter mix on the counter, along with a fresh pack of dry erase markers. Howard finally finds what he's looking for, pops back up, and off of Raj's look, gestures wildly and starts shooing him over to the couch with the frying pan, which is a little too much for him to handle at ten in the morning. "Sit! Sit! I'll take care of breakfast."
Howard backs him onto his sofa, then returns to the kitchen. Raj still doesn't know what the hell is going on, and protests, "But I was going to get a cup of coffee--"
"Raj, my brother in arms in this epic war of love, I shall get you your cup of coffee. Splash of milk, no sugar, am I right?"
"Howard, what are you doing here?"
Howard turns, and looks at him like it's the most obvious thing ever. "Pancakes and outlining my strategic, cunning plan to have you talk to a woman in under a week. Honestly, Raj, it's like you're not even paying attention."
Howard doesn't seem to mind in the slightest that Raj can only blankly stare at him, just smiles again and starts humming while he starts up the coffee maker, then grabs a bowl and starts mixing the pancake batter together. OK, it all smells pretty good, and it's definitely the first time anyone has ever come over to make him breakfast, and it's pancakes.
"Hey, dude, do we have time to watch some Star Trek or something first?"
Howard turns and looks over at him with a genuine smile. "Of course we do. Original or TNG?"
"Original. We can watch Kirk mack on alien girls and get some pointers."
Raj is on his second plate of pancakes and third cup of coffee, and they've just finished "Mirror, Mirror" so they're totally discussing how Sheldon had evil Spock's beard by the time they got back from the North Pole. He's feeling full and content, and mostly like he just wants to go back to bed, not get high on fumes from white board markers.
Howard's already reached down and hit stop on the DVD remote, so the little logo has come up and is bouncing around on his television screen. If they're not careful, it will totally turn into a repeat of The Great Corner Incident '07, when they waited for 3 hours until the logo finally zoomed into the corner and bounced back out.
Raj leans back into the cushions, tries to stretch his back and settle in for the long haul. "Howard, skip the white board. Just tell me what you want to do."
"I think we need to roleplay."
He closes his eyes, counts to ten. Very slowly. When he opens them, Howard is suddenly much closer than he was before. Raj can't really help the yelp of surprise he makes, but, it gets Howard to back off a little, so it has some benefit at least.
"Whoa. WHOA. Roleplay? Roleplay. What are you smoking, dude?"
"No, no, not like that. I'm just saying, you have to know that you can talk to a lady one-on-one while sober, not just think about in theoretical terms. If we can get you a track record, then you can duplicate the results on your own!"
"So from what planet did you get roleplay from?"
"We've got to work you up gradually. The first step is the ability to have a normal conversation with a woman--"
"And how do you know the first thing about having a normal conversation with a woman?" And even before the words are out of his mouth, he realizes how harsh they sound, and they are harsh. He watches Howard start a little, and the set of his shoulders doesn't quite recover.
"Sorry."
"No, touche, valid point, et cetera. So maybe this will be good practice for both of us, then. I get you warmed up and then you hit the ground running. I was thinking we could borrow Penny for a practice session, and--"
"Penny? No way. Leonard will kill me."
"OK, then we'll schedule a practice session with my mother, who I'm sure will be enthralled by your saucy Indian charms--"
Raj interrupts a second time, but dude, Howard's mother scares him. "Penny's fine! Penny's fine."
"I thought so. And then, step three, we are out at the clubs together, step four, we both pick up beautiful ladies, and the greatest thing of all is that step five no longer involves my scooter, you being wasted, a high potential for vomit and those two beautiful ladies not in our beds!"
Raj isn't even sure that last bit was a valid sentence, but Howard is excited, and maybe he has a point. Baby steps. He can do this.
Monday, he meets the guys at lunch. The cafeteria has macaroni and cheese, so things are already looking up. Until Howard plunks into his chair and announces that the two of them will not be attending Monday night dinner for the first time in... ever. Sheldon gasps and Leonard's jutting his chin at the approximate angle of extreme confusion, and for the second time in two days, Raj has no clue what's is happening.
Howard points back and forth between Raj and himself, and says, with far too much satisfaction, "We are going on a date."
Raj can't even look, just puts his face between his hands and waits for it to be over.
Sheldon, still obviously reeling from the change to his meticulous schedule, starts ranting about the adjustment to their order, especially split between three people, including two that are dating and willing to share bacteria, and his voice just turns into a buzzing noise in the background, but Raj can still hear Leonard whipping his head back and forth trying to figure out what is going on. When Raj finally dares to look up, Howard's leans in conspiratorially, eyebrows raised, and that weird half-smile that Raj has memorized, and whispers, "I'll pick you up from your office at 6, baby." And then he winks.
Raj has never, ever wanted a drink as much as he does right now.
Twenty minutes later, when he's back to staring at a white board with Sheldon, his phone vibrates its way across the desk. Sheldon shoots him a dirty look, but he's currently way too engrossed with their current formula to do much more, so Raj is able to actually read the text.
Raj r u ok? Is howard taking advntg of u? -P
Damn it, Leonard. Raj is discovering that when one is friends with Howard Wolowtiz, every time you think you have hit a new low, it turns out there's another one right below it.
Howard shows up at Sheldon's office at 6:02 in a completely different outfit than what he was wearing at lunch. Instead of a the blue turtleneck and green-striped sweater, he's wearing dark grey slacks and a black turtleneck under a blazer. It's the "I'm meeting the future-Mrs.-Wolowitz" ensemble. Ah, yes, there's the next level.
"Hey, Raj, are you set? It's just I made us a 6:30 reservation, so..."
Sheldon is oblivious, at least there's that. Raj nods distractedly, turns and grabs his stuff from his designated spot. "Just have to stop back in my office and get my bag."
"Excellent, excellent. And a very good evening to you, Sheldon. Enjoy your dinner." Howard drags him out of there before they get sucked into whatever Sheldon rant is bubbling up to the surface about being abandoned to dinner with Penny and Leonard.
As they make the quick walk from one office to the other, there's a bit of an awkward silence. Raj digs for something to say, and the first thing that pops out is, "You look nice." What? Not a question about where they're going to eat or if they're taking his car or the scooter, but you look nice? But Howard actually reaches up and kind of brushes his hand across his arm, right below his elbow, and looks oddly pleased and really sincere.
"Thanks. Now see, that's what you need to be like with a lady! Aware of how much effort she put in to look nice for you. A little shy, a little mysterious so she wants to know more! You can totally pull this off, Raj."
Raj ducks his head. "You think?"
"Totally."
The thing is that dinner is totally a date, like a real actual date. They manage to get past the sort of hesitant first-date talk, and from there it ends up totally being about their feelings and maybe it's because Howard is getting a little too into character, but Raj is pretty certain that this is the most open they've ever been with each other. If Raj is going to be totally honest with himself, it's nice. They're best friends, why shouldn't they know this stuff?
And Howard is trying, and more than that, succeeding in keeping his full attention on Raj. He's distantly polite to their waitress when he orders for both of them (it probably helps that she's ridiculously tall and built like a fridge, she could probably break both of them in half at the same time) but he's not keeping one eye on the rest of the room in case a woman with questionable taste/a low cut top/breasts appears. Raj stops thinking about how this is supposed to be training for a date with one of those women. And well, he tries not to think about the fact this is a date with Howard Wolowitz, but there's a tiny part of him that rebels and actively seems to enjoy that idea, which is just... yeah.
Raj pays for dinner, and tries in vain to tell the part of him that's starting to figure stuff out to stop it. It doesn't work.
The ride back to get Howard's scooter is quiet, in a good way. Raj has always liked driving at night, when the roads are calmer, even if the lights from the city wash out the stars. He thinks about all the things out there that he's discovered, and that Howard has built, floating in space together.
The last pretense that they're still sticking to the original plan dies in the Caltech parking lot, when they do this weird shuffle around each other after they get out of the car. Howard doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands, and Raj isn't sure why he even got out of the car in the first place, until something clicks - then Raj has his hands sliding underneath Howard's jacket to grasp at his hips, and Howard's hands are coming up and dragging his head down at the perfect angle so Howard's lips collide with his own. He notices everything: how Howard feels solid but wiry under his hands, the new phenomenon of feeling someone else's stubble rasp across his lips as they pull apart to breathe, readjust and connect their mouths again, how Howard threads his fingers into the curls at the back his neck and pulls every time he wants to take control of the kiss back and how hard it is to resist flat-out moaning into Howard's mouth every time it happens.
Raj knows that this is working for both of them, at least. There's no space between them and not a lot left to the imagination at this point. He wonders if he's leaving bruises on Howard's hips, where he's pressing into bone and muscle, and decides he doesn't really care. He grips a little harder, and manages to get the kiss back on his terms, licking at Howard's top lip before finally pulling back.
He can feel Howard's chest expanding against his when Howard goes to suck a lungful of air in, then the way Howard breathes out right under his ear. The light from the street lamps is a dull yellow, and they've been standing in the parking lot at work making out like teenagers.
"Raj, I don't know what I'm doing." He flinches, but before he can say anything, Howard keeps going. "No, not like -- I know what I'm doing. I just don't know... how to do it." Howard's voice sounds uncertain, but low and turned on. Howard's hands are fiddling with the collar of his shirt, and a stray thumb lands where the top button is open, moves onto his bare chest.
He makes the decision. "Get back in the car." Screw the scooter, it can sit in the parking lot one night. (And anyway, Raj thinks slightly hysterically, no self-respecting dude would steal it.)
The next night, when they're at Cheesecake Factory with Sheldon and Leonard, Raj feels Howard's leg slide along his underneath the table. He knows that under Howard's turtleneck there's a series of four marks leading from his chest to right where the collar ends, and he likes watching as Howard rubs at them, then smirks a little. Howard catches it, and flushes. Thank god Leonard and Sheldon are in the middle of some ridiculous fight about --damn, Sheldon walked in on Penny showering? OK, he's actually going to have to start paying attention to that conversation soon.
When Penny comes up to take their orders, she seems a little more frazzled than usual, but she takes special care to come over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Oh, right, the text message. It seems like a lifetime ago. She won't quite meet Sheldon's eyes when she looks at the rest of the table, but she does sort of glare at Howard a little.
"Hey Raj, you want the usual?"
"That would be great, Penny. But may I have a diet coke tonight?"
The three shocked stares that great him are pretty awesome. Howard laughs, says, "Didn't even take us a week," and holds his hand up for a high five.
Raj can't help but high five him back.
Author: Meg / juniperlane / betternovembers
Rating: K+ (I guess)
Characters/Pairings: Howard/Raj
Warnings: Spoilers through 3.06, The Cornhusker Vortex
Type/Word Count: One-shot, 2586
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the BBT characters, etc. I also did not do research into Caltech parking lots.
Summary: One plan, four meals, and many awkward situations for one Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
When Howard shows back up at the park bench fifteen minutes later, with the clear red imprint of a hand across his cheek, it's an easy decision to give in and pat the spot he had abandoned. Raj knows that he shouldn't fold again so easily, but he's got to hand it to Howard, at least he tries.
"So I was thinking about you while I was gone."
The look Raj shoots him is pure disbelief, and Howard smiles sheepishly and rubs his palm across his face, the pressure leaving a white trail across his cheek that slowly turns red again.
"OK, I was thinking about you on the walk back over. This whole... 'can't talk to women thing,' we've really got to work that out for you. Then we can be real, true bros! Wingmen!"
Raj immediately has a sinking feeling that whatever Howard's dreaming up this time is going to be way, way worse than anything he can imagine. But, if nothing else, it's going to be a totally lame week, with Leonard being caught up in this Penny and football BS, and Sheldon's... Sheldonness.
"Alright, fine. What did you have in mind?"
The next day, Howard comes over to his place carrying a bag of groceries and a white board. It's barely 10 AM and Raj hasn't had any coffee yet, and Howard looks disturbingly chipper. Raj drags himself into the kitchen, where Howard is digging around in his cupboards for a frying pan. There are eggs, milk, and pancake batter mix on the counter, along with a fresh pack of dry erase markers. Howard finally finds what he's looking for, pops back up, and off of Raj's look, gestures wildly and starts shooing him over to the couch with the frying pan, which is a little too much for him to handle at ten in the morning. "Sit! Sit! I'll take care of breakfast."
Howard backs him onto his sofa, then returns to the kitchen. Raj still doesn't know what the hell is going on, and protests, "But I was going to get a cup of coffee--"
"Raj, my brother in arms in this epic war of love, I shall get you your cup of coffee. Splash of milk, no sugar, am I right?"
"Howard, what are you doing here?"
Howard turns, and looks at him like it's the most obvious thing ever. "Pancakes and outlining my strategic, cunning plan to have you talk to a woman in under a week. Honestly, Raj, it's like you're not even paying attention."
Howard doesn't seem to mind in the slightest that Raj can only blankly stare at him, just smiles again and starts humming while he starts up the coffee maker, then grabs a bowl and starts mixing the pancake batter together. OK, it all smells pretty good, and it's definitely the first time anyone has ever come over to make him breakfast, and it's pancakes.
"Hey, dude, do we have time to watch some Star Trek or something first?"
Howard turns and looks over at him with a genuine smile. "Of course we do. Original or TNG?"
"Original. We can watch Kirk mack on alien girls and get some pointers."
Raj is on his second plate of pancakes and third cup of coffee, and they've just finished "Mirror, Mirror" so they're totally discussing how Sheldon had evil Spock's beard by the time they got back from the North Pole. He's feeling full and content, and mostly like he just wants to go back to bed, not get high on fumes from white board markers.
Howard's already reached down and hit stop on the DVD remote, so the little logo has come up and is bouncing around on his television screen. If they're not careful, it will totally turn into a repeat of The Great Corner Incident '07, when they waited for 3 hours until the logo finally zoomed into the corner and bounced back out.
Raj leans back into the cushions, tries to stretch his back and settle in for the long haul. "Howard, skip the white board. Just tell me what you want to do."
"I think we need to roleplay."
He closes his eyes, counts to ten. Very slowly. When he opens them, Howard is suddenly much closer than he was before. Raj can't really help the yelp of surprise he makes, but, it gets Howard to back off a little, so it has some benefit at least.
"Whoa. WHOA. Roleplay? Roleplay. What are you smoking, dude?"
"No, no, not like that. I'm just saying, you have to know that you can talk to a lady one-on-one while sober, not just think about in theoretical terms. If we can get you a track record, then you can duplicate the results on your own!"
"So from what planet did you get roleplay from?"
"We've got to work you up gradually. The first step is the ability to have a normal conversation with a woman--"
"And how do you know the first thing about having a normal conversation with a woman?" And even before the words are out of his mouth, he realizes how harsh they sound, and they are harsh. He watches Howard start a little, and the set of his shoulders doesn't quite recover.
"Sorry."
"No, touche, valid point, et cetera. So maybe this will be good practice for both of us, then. I get you warmed up and then you hit the ground running. I was thinking we could borrow Penny for a practice session, and--"
"Penny? No way. Leonard will kill me."
"OK, then we'll schedule a practice session with my mother, who I'm sure will be enthralled by your saucy Indian charms--"
Raj interrupts a second time, but dude, Howard's mother scares him. "Penny's fine! Penny's fine."
"I thought so. And then, step three, we are out at the clubs together, step four, we both pick up beautiful ladies, and the greatest thing of all is that step five no longer involves my scooter, you being wasted, a high potential for vomit and those two beautiful ladies not in our beds!"
Raj isn't even sure that last bit was a valid sentence, but Howard is excited, and maybe he has a point. Baby steps. He can do this.
Monday, he meets the guys at lunch. The cafeteria has macaroni and cheese, so things are already looking up. Until Howard plunks into his chair and announces that the two of them will not be attending Monday night dinner for the first time in... ever. Sheldon gasps and Leonard's jutting his chin at the approximate angle of extreme confusion, and for the second time in two days, Raj has no clue what's is happening.
Howard points back and forth between Raj and himself, and says, with far too much satisfaction, "We are going on a date."
Raj can't even look, just puts his face between his hands and waits for it to be over.
Sheldon, still obviously reeling from the change to his meticulous schedule, starts ranting about the adjustment to their order, especially split between three people, including two that are dating and willing to share bacteria, and his voice just turns into a buzzing noise in the background, but Raj can still hear Leonard whipping his head back and forth trying to figure out what is going on. When Raj finally dares to look up, Howard's leans in conspiratorially, eyebrows raised, and that weird half-smile that Raj has memorized, and whispers, "I'll pick you up from your office at 6, baby." And then he winks.
Raj has never, ever wanted a drink as much as he does right now.
Twenty minutes later, when he's back to staring at a white board with Sheldon, his phone vibrates its way across the desk. Sheldon shoots him a dirty look, but he's currently way too engrossed with their current formula to do much more, so Raj is able to actually read the text.
Raj r u ok? Is howard taking advntg of u? -P
Damn it, Leonard. Raj is discovering that when one is friends with Howard Wolowtiz, every time you think you have hit a new low, it turns out there's another one right below it.
Howard shows up at Sheldon's office at 6:02 in a completely different outfit than what he was wearing at lunch. Instead of a the blue turtleneck and green-striped sweater, he's wearing dark grey slacks and a black turtleneck under a blazer. It's the "I'm meeting the future-Mrs.-Wolowitz" ensemble. Ah, yes, there's the next level.
"Hey, Raj, are you set? It's just I made us a 6:30 reservation, so..."
Sheldon is oblivious, at least there's that. Raj nods distractedly, turns and grabs his stuff from his designated spot. "Just have to stop back in my office and get my bag."
"Excellent, excellent. And a very good evening to you, Sheldon. Enjoy your dinner." Howard drags him out of there before they get sucked into whatever Sheldon rant is bubbling up to the surface about being abandoned to dinner with Penny and Leonard.
As they make the quick walk from one office to the other, there's a bit of an awkward silence. Raj digs for something to say, and the first thing that pops out is, "You look nice." What? Not a question about where they're going to eat or if they're taking his car or the scooter, but you look nice? But Howard actually reaches up and kind of brushes his hand across his arm, right below his elbow, and looks oddly pleased and really sincere.
"Thanks. Now see, that's what you need to be like with a lady! Aware of how much effort she put in to look nice for you. A little shy, a little mysterious so she wants to know more! You can totally pull this off, Raj."
Raj ducks his head. "You think?"
"Totally."
The thing is that dinner is totally a date, like a real actual date. They manage to get past the sort of hesitant first-date talk, and from there it ends up totally being about their feelings and maybe it's because Howard is getting a little too into character, but Raj is pretty certain that this is the most open they've ever been with each other. If Raj is going to be totally honest with himself, it's nice. They're best friends, why shouldn't they know this stuff?
And Howard is trying, and more than that, succeeding in keeping his full attention on Raj. He's distantly polite to their waitress when he orders for both of them (it probably helps that she's ridiculously tall and built like a fridge, she could probably break both of them in half at the same time) but he's not keeping one eye on the rest of the room in case a woman with questionable taste/a low cut top/breasts appears. Raj stops thinking about how this is supposed to be training for a date with one of those women. And well, he tries not to think about the fact this is a date with Howard Wolowitz, but there's a tiny part of him that rebels and actively seems to enjoy that idea, which is just... yeah.
Raj pays for dinner, and tries in vain to tell the part of him that's starting to figure stuff out to stop it. It doesn't work.
The ride back to get Howard's scooter is quiet, in a good way. Raj has always liked driving at night, when the roads are calmer, even if the lights from the city wash out the stars. He thinks about all the things out there that he's discovered, and that Howard has built, floating in space together.
The last pretense that they're still sticking to the original plan dies in the Caltech parking lot, when they do this weird shuffle around each other after they get out of the car. Howard doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands, and Raj isn't sure why he even got out of the car in the first place, until something clicks - then Raj has his hands sliding underneath Howard's jacket to grasp at his hips, and Howard's hands are coming up and dragging his head down at the perfect angle so Howard's lips collide with his own. He notices everything: how Howard feels solid but wiry under his hands, the new phenomenon of feeling someone else's stubble rasp across his lips as they pull apart to breathe, readjust and connect their mouths again, how Howard threads his fingers into the curls at the back his neck and pulls every time he wants to take control of the kiss back and how hard it is to resist flat-out moaning into Howard's mouth every time it happens.
Raj knows that this is working for both of them, at least. There's no space between them and not a lot left to the imagination at this point. He wonders if he's leaving bruises on Howard's hips, where he's pressing into bone and muscle, and decides he doesn't really care. He grips a little harder, and manages to get the kiss back on his terms, licking at Howard's top lip before finally pulling back.
He can feel Howard's chest expanding against his when Howard goes to suck a lungful of air in, then the way Howard breathes out right under his ear. The light from the street lamps is a dull yellow, and they've been standing in the parking lot at work making out like teenagers.
"Raj, I don't know what I'm doing." He flinches, but before he can say anything, Howard keeps going. "No, not like -- I know what I'm doing. I just don't know... how to do it." Howard's voice sounds uncertain, but low and turned on. Howard's hands are fiddling with the collar of his shirt, and a stray thumb lands where the top button is open, moves onto his bare chest.
He makes the decision. "Get back in the car." Screw the scooter, it can sit in the parking lot one night. (And anyway, Raj thinks slightly hysterically, no self-respecting dude would steal it.)
The next night, when they're at Cheesecake Factory with Sheldon and Leonard, Raj feels Howard's leg slide along his underneath the table. He knows that under Howard's turtleneck there's a series of four marks leading from his chest to right where the collar ends, and he likes watching as Howard rubs at them, then smirks a little. Howard catches it, and flushes. Thank god Leonard and Sheldon are in the middle of some ridiculous fight about --damn, Sheldon walked in on Penny showering? OK, he's actually going to have to start paying attention to that conversation soon.
When Penny comes up to take their orders, she seems a little more frazzled than usual, but she takes special care to come over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Oh, right, the text message. It seems like a lifetime ago. She won't quite meet Sheldon's eyes when she looks at the rest of the table, but she does sort of glare at Howard a little.
"Hey Raj, you want the usual?"
"That would be great, Penny. But may I have a diet coke tonight?"
The three shocked stares that great him are pretty awesome. Howard laughs, says, "Didn't even take us a week," and holds his hand up for a high five.
Raj can't help but high five him back.