Yesterday I was looking at some nude portraits... first came awe at how beautiful this (admitted) self-conscious woman's body was. How could this be natural? It was just amazing (in a very nonconventional, non-eating disorder way). And then this sense of overwhelming greif... realizing that I had given up any chance of being that person. I will ( Read more... )

Uh, so yeah. I feel pretty hopeless and I just want to get loaded. It's six A.M. and I'm out of food. That's another thing I fucking hate about this place... you have to buy individual meals... I miss being able to go grocery shopping, having a kitchen to cook it in, and fridge to store it. At least I go home in a week... for less than week. :( I ( Read more... )

Written last weekend:The only good thing is... I didn't ***** for a little over three weeks. As of Friday, I'm officialy back on the habit. You know, I really wish I was at home right now, where I have the proper resources to keep it up. If I were there right now... oh god. I would not be empty handed like I am now. I would either be in oblivion, ( Read more... )

I just realized: I want to recover ( Read more... )

Sort of took an unplanned break from this place... it's been good for me. I went three weeks without binging. I'm getting out of that mindset although my actual consumption is slipping back into the old habit. I don't think of it as "binging" right now although I really haven't done so well this week. Week before my period... it's always such a ( Read more... )

I haven't binged in a week. I usually eat breakfast (cereal w/ ff milk) around 2:00 p.m. and then dinner around 9:00 (sandwich). I don't always follow those foods, but I'm still doing a lot better than before... I'm also feeling a lot less depressed. Still trying not to pay attention to calories or that voice that says 'starve youself.' It would ( Read more... )

I've been doing a lot better. Monday was the first day in a long, long time that I didn't binge. I haven't been eating very good food... but it's all been in moderation. I'm so glad that week before my period is over. It always feels so impossible to control food then. Today I had a shake and fries from work... awful stuff, I know, but whatever, it ( Read more... )

In the three weeks since I've been back at school I've managed to blow $129 on food. I have about $3 left in my account. There is a check for almost $500 sitting next to me. I'm not sure if it is even worth cashing in... it's hard to get to my bank because of my schedule and without a car... and is it even worth it? My family is very poor. As a ( Read more... )

Weighed myself yesterday. Haven't lost/gained weight. Probably because I spent half of the week being good (200-300 cal. days) and the rest eating shit. Restriction has reminded me how much I don't like to binge. The uncomfortable feeling afterwards... heavy, uneasy, almost painful. Usually it takes me longer than this to realize how much food ( Read more... )

Last night: "broke up" with my best friend of the past five years. I guess the end has been coming on for a year now... at least I have had time to adjust to the thought of this happening. Hurt, a little confused, but I expected the stupid things that took place. Somehow still cried myself to sleep ( Read more... )