Fic: Mosaic, light R, The Hanged Man
It's Feb. 24th in my time zone already!
Title: Mosaic
Author: severity_softly
Rating: maybe light R? See warnings.
Characters: Severus Snape, various. Mostly gen with Snape/Regulus and Snape/Lupin.
Claim/Card: The Hanged Man
Word Count: 3,040 (2,087 words were written in February for hpqfac)
Warnings: implied m/m intercourse, murder (non-graphic minor character death), angst, brief mentions of wanking and prostitution
Summary/Card interpretation: Desiring revolution, he betrayed his world; by choice the painful price is paid. Hanging above the Abyss by Heaven's chains, he calmly waits for freedom from his pains.
A/N: A series of scenes spanning Snape's lifetime, from age twenty to post-war. Quotes in italics came from various sources on The Hanged Man card, including the prose in the summary, to which no author was attributed. Narcissa's dialog in section V is taken directly from Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. Situations in section I are probably vaguely inspired by ruat_coelum_rpg. Beta'd by the wonderful lindy_grl123 and innerslytherin!
I. September 12, 1997
He understands the truth because he sees it from a different angle.
Every last detail had been planned, as much as could have been, anyway: Save Draco, murder Dumbledore, send information to Potter and hope the arrogant little bastard didn’t fuck things up.
"I'm leaving."
Severus snorted, but he was not amused. "You would be dead within a week." He brushed a strand of filthy hair out of his eyes. It had been weeks without a wash. "And so would I."
"I think you're wrong."
Severus looked up at his godson, who was standing defiantly near the door. His white-blonde hair was stringy and dark with filth, like the color of dishwater. Severus flicked his wand from beneath his robes, and ropes shot out, binding the boy to a rickety chair on the other side of the room. Draco protested with a few loud grumbles and then looked up to glare at Severus.
"I hardly wanted a companion on this little journey, so tell me - what was the point of killing the old man if you’re just going to get yourself killed anyway?" Severus asked before the boy could speak, then answered for him, "We all die in vain."
Draco stared for a moment and then dropped his head down, sagging against his restraints. "I can't-- I couldn't kill--"
This was the first the boy had mentioned what had happened that night on the tower, but it was obvious he had been thinking about it a lot. He had been very quiet the last few weeks.
"You dug your own grave and I pulled you out of it. I would appreciate it if you stayed out."
"But the Dark Lord is going to k--"
"Want to kill you," Severus interrupted. "But I believe with my insistence that I can make you a better Death Eater, he will oblige me and let you live."
Draco paled. The boy was much different than he himself was when he had been younger. Severus had been eager to kill. Draco, on the other hand, had been pumped full of lies, no doubt by his father, about the glory and prestige of serving the Dark Lord. Lies that omitted the darker details, no doubt.
"I don't want--"
"You will do what you're told." As I do to survive, he thought.
Severus stood and moved to the door.
"Godfather?"
Severus stilled, but did not turn around to face the bound boy. "Do not call me that."
"Why?"
Because it will make it harder for me to kill you, if I have to, he thought and walked out the door without response.
II. May 27, 1979
Desiring revolution, he betrayed his world; by choice the painful price is paid.
"Always talking…" Regulus brushed Severus' hair to the side and sucked his earlobe into his mouth.
They had just finished eating dinner and Severus was torn between letting this continue, one last time, or stopping it. He didn't think Regulus would get very far, anyway. He stiffened and leaned away, but Regulus only followed. "There is much to discuss."
"Don't do that," Regulus muttered, his lips trailing the length of Severus' neck. "It's been a whole day since we last fucked." Severus could feel Regulus' lips curl against his skin.
"You're insatiable."
"That should be old news after a year and a half of this, Severus," Regulus purred. His fingers gripped Severus' thin waist. "We've got plenty of time," he said, his voice playful.
No, you don't, Severus thought, but submitted to Regulus' sudden kiss anyway, hoping the poison he had been ordered to slip into Regulus' wine had been washed down thoroughly. In spite of his better judgment, he wrapped his arms around Regulus' waist and pulled him so that he was leaning against his chest.
They were kissing in earnest now. Regulus' hungry mouth was devouring Severus', and Severus clung to him and desperately tried to hold on to what he knew he had just destroyed. He suddenly wanted to take it back. All of it. He didn’t care that the Dark Lord called Regulus a traitor. In that instant, he wished he had joined Regulus, and not...
"Want to touch you," Regulus whispered, starting to pull Severus' shirt out of the top of his trousers. "Always..."
Regulus chuckled, but Severus' chest tightened painfully. He couldn’t breathe. "Don't say that." Severus' eyes stung. "Stop."
Regulus' laughter turned suddenly strange. He gasped once, and then did just as Severus had asked - he stopped. He slumped on top of Severus, dead weight, with his lips still pressed to Severus' jaw. Severus only turned his head, letting Regulus' head collapse to his shoulder.
Severus clamped his eyes shut and willed away the tears, all the while clutching Regulus to him. When he finally controlled his emotion, he rolled Regulus off of him, and made his way back to the Dark Lord to report his "success."
III. June 24, 1995
He is waiting, in suspension, on tenterhooks, dangling over the abyss, poised between heaven and hell.
The latter half of the day had been a whirlwind of events - the maze, Diggory, Barty. Severus found the transition easier than he had expected. He knew exactly what had to be done. He had been expecting it for years. It was easy to slip into the proper mindset for the Dark Lord's return.
Less than two hours after the ordeal, he planted himself in front of the Headmaster's desk, clasping his hands behind his back as he watched the older man pace slowly. Minerva was seated to his side, and looked up at him the way one would look at someone who had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
"Are you prepared for this, Severus?" Albus asked.
Severus' eyes continued to follow Albus for a moment before dropping to the floor, ignoring the way his arm still twinged painfully. "Yes. Furthermore, I believe that if I wait any longer, I will not be given the opportunity to explain my delay. The longer I allow them to think about my absence, the faster they will turn on me."
Albus nodded and stopped pacing, turning to look at Severus. Severus felt the gaze and looked back up to return it, unflinching in the face of what he knew he was going to have to do.
"Isn't there another way?" Minerva asked softly.
"If I hide, they will find me and kill me. If I remain here, not only will they come for me, but I will also be jeopardising the safety of the school and the Order. If I go to Him, the Order will have inside information that will help them greatly."
"What if He doesn't believe you?"
"I die." His voice was flat, business-like. "But He will believe me." Though he spoke to Minerva, his eyes never left Albus.
Albus paused, and then said simply, "Go."
Severus turned and left without looking back. Once he was out of the school gates, Severus Disapparated, only to reappear in a familiar cemetery. The crack of Apparition caused all heads to turn and a few wands to be drawn.
Calmly, Severus kept his eyes on only the figure in the center of the circle as he walked through the crowd to him, feeling a tingle go down his spine at the way those cold eyes appraised him.
Once he reached the other man (if he could still be called a man), he dropped to one knee in front of him and lowered his eyes, clasping his hands behind his back in suggestion of utter submission. "My Lord, allow me the privilege to explain my delay."
"Rise, Severus," the high, hissing voice replied, and when Severus did rise, he found the tip of the Dark Lord's wand under his chin, forcing his head up and pressing painfully into the flesh. "And look me in the eyes when you speak."
IV. November 2, 1995
When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice.
Remus pulled out with a wince and collapsed to Severus' side. Severus rolled over to face him and Remus lazily wrapped an arm around his waist, grinning. The thin sheen of sweat across his face and the way his hair was mussed made him look beautiful, even in the dim light of Grimmauld Place.
No, Severus was not one for flowery emotions, but he could recognize beauty.
He allowed his lips to curve just enough to show appreciation in response to Remus' smile and pulled him in close, their bodies rising and falling together as they recovered from their exertion.
"I never thought..." Remus started.
"Neither did I," Severus agreed.
"Mmm, brilliant. Bloody brilliant."
Severus suddenly felt a twinge of guilt in his stomach. It had been several months since they resumed the relationship that Severus' outing of the werewolf at Hogwarts had ended. Remus had been amazingly quick to forgive, knowing the curse on the position had been working on Severus at the time. Several months. Not nearly long enough. He hesitated, and then finally said, "I hope that you will learn to forgive me." Remus had forgiven him this time, after all.
Remus chuckled and pulled Severus in tighter. "I already have. Stop dwelling," he said warmly, accidentally kicking the bunched sheets off the end of his bed.
Severus hummed in thought, but there was something distinctly pessimistic about the sound. Remus pulled back to look at him, and Severus sat up. He began untangling his clothes from where they were on the floor and slipping into them.
"What's wrong?" Remus sat up, and then apparently felt naked and started to dress as well.
Severus didn't respond at first, wishing for them both to be fully clothed before he made his request. He finished dressing himself and waited for Remus to do the same. Once he was dressed, Remus crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Severus.
Severus stiffened unconsciously.
"What just happened here? I must have missed something," Remus said without letting go.
"I need you to Obliviate me." This time Remus stiffened, and Severus held him in place. "I've been summoned," he said.
"So soon?"
Severus had been surprised he hadn't be summoned sooner, but apparently Remus still was more optimistic than most. He didn't answer; he only looked at Remus with determination.
"I won't."
"All of it," Severus continued. "It could kill us both and you know it."
"All of--?"
"Not just the sex, Remus, us. Obliviate it all."
For a moment, Remus only stared in shock. Then he wrenched himself out of Severus' hold. "Fuck you," he hissed.
Severus followed and gripped him by his collar. If reason wouldn't work, he'd try another tack. "Why? Why, because you are a sad, pathetic man too attached to his own memories? Because you have no one else, other than that bloody ghost of a man you still call a friend?"
Remus' eyes were wide and hurt, and Severus felt that something inside him had died.
No matter. If he could get Remus to do it, he wouldn't remember the pain.
He pulled Remus close, his grip going surprisingly gentle, and whispered lowly in his ear. "Come on, Lupin. Show me you have more of a backbone than I've ever given you credit for."
V. July 6, 1996
When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release
The bitch's wand was pressed so firmly into the back of his hand, Severus knew he would have a mark for hours. She was doing it on purpose, no doubt, to see if she could get him to flinch. No luck. He only pressed back, determined not to let the pressure even push his hand off center.
"And, should it prove necessary, if it seems Draco will fail..."
His hand twitched. Narcissa's eyes flashed momentarily as if she thought he was going to pull away. Bellatrix seemed oblivious to it; she only stared wildly at the interlocked hands.
"Will you carry out the deed that the Dark Lord has ordered Draco to perform?"
This was not the plan. Help Draco, yes, but not complete the task for him. Not sacrifice his freedom, his life, the delicate balance he had created around himself, everything.
He could not kill Dumbledore, yet he could not say no.
"I will."
Months later, when he strode past Draco toward the weak Headmaster, all of his arguments had already been made. All of his objections had been rebuffed. His willingness to die rather than carry out the vow had been cast aside.
It was easy to muster the anger he needed to cast the spell perfectly. He had no choice but to carry this through now - no choice but tear his own soul. That thought alone burned hot enough to make the curse easy to produce, but when Albus finally begged him, he hated the older man for it more than even he could have imagined. He raised his wand, cast the spell, and watched in contained fury as Albus fell in a flash of green.
VI. January 3, 1999
Though he is tortured every day, he patiently awaits a redeemer, for he knows that if he tries to save himself, he will plummet into the abyss.
He couldn't move from the waist down. It was some sort of a curse. It wasn't a blood flow problem, he knew that definitively by the way he had woken up on several occasions in St. Mungo's to a mediwizard checking up on him whilst trying to ignore the way his sheets were tented up around his groin.
He wasn't going to complain. After all, he had thought the stress and psychological toll of the war after murdering Albus had taken that away from him. The few attempts at physical gratification with Muggle whores while he was on the run had all ended embarrassingly enough. Who knew his cock could be more emotional than he was?! Not even the slide of a strange pair of lips over it had cheered it up.
On the whole, he was happy to find it greeting him in the mornings now, even if the dreams that preceded it were a bit strange.
"I'll, ah, leave you to that," one of the cheekier mediwitches had said, and Severus wished he had his wand so he could hex her.
Instead, all he could do was call after her, "Bugger off!"
He wasn't allowed his wand. It was undoubtedly locked up in the Ministry somewhere. He was surprised that he had even been allowed to stay at St. Mungo's instead of being carted off, crippled or not, to wherever the Ministry was housing its prisoners these days.
He didn't know why he was being kept in the hospital. No one would tell him a bloody thing. To be honest, it was a bit of a relief to just live, however stagnant it was, and not have to worry about Potter or any of the Horcruxes. Soon enough he would either be thrown to the Ministry sharks or be dodging the curses of the few remaining Death Eaters (assuming he regained control of his legs). Either way he went, once he was released, would not be pretty. So, for now, he intended to enjoy his comfortable bed and morning wanking - which seemed like a gift from God, or whatever there was up there, after over a year without an orgasm to speak of.
The knock on the door to his room came on the fourteenth hour of the seventeenth day he had been here. Not that he had been counting. He was surprised to see Remus Lupin slide in the door and make his way to his bed. He sat without saying anything.
"If you're here to kill me, you need to submit your application in writing. There are many talented - and not so talented - wizards vying for that honor and I would hate make a hasty decision."
Remus smiled softly, looking a little uncomfortable. "I'm not here to kill you." He set a small bottle on Severus' bedside table that looked like it contained hair. "I tried to collect what I could after my last transformation," he explained, and Severus realized it was fur, not hair. "Didn't think you would be much for get well flowers, but I figured you might be able to use that in your brewing." Remus shrugged.
Severus snorted. "Bring me your spleen in a jar and we'll talk."
Remus laughed, his eyes lighting up for a moment before something else crossed his face entirely. He put out a hand, looking for a moment like he was going to take Severus', and then withdrew it, placing his knuckles against his lips. He was looking at Severus strangely, as if he were on the verge of tears. Severus looked away from Remus' display quickly.
Remus finally cleared his throat and looked away as well. "I came to see if I could convince you to testify in your own defense. Mr. Malfoy says you won't."
"Draco was correct."
"Why?"
"I've hardly the tact to sweet talk the Wizengamot."
"Very well then, I will testify."
Remus was on his feet and across the room before Severus could protest. He only managed to stammer, "Wha-- Why?"
Remus turned in the doorway to face him, eyes looking glassy. "Because, once you are a free man again, we have a lot to discuss that you might not remember."
"My memory is intact," Severus said involuntarily -- then he wondered if it was true.
"No." Remus shook his head sadly. "Your intellect is intact. Not your memory... We'll talk once you're free."
Title: Mosaic
Author: severity_softly
Rating: maybe light R? See warnings.
Characters: Severus Snape, various. Mostly gen with Snape/Regulus and Snape/Lupin.
Claim/Card: The Hanged Man
Word Count: 3,040 (2,087 words were written in February for hpqfac)
Warnings: implied m/m intercourse, murder (non-graphic minor character death), angst, brief mentions of wanking and prostitution
Summary/Card interpretation: Desiring revolution, he betrayed his world; by choice the painful price is paid. Hanging above the Abyss by Heaven's chains, he calmly waits for freedom from his pains.
A/N: A series of scenes spanning Snape's lifetime, from age twenty to post-war. Quotes in italics came from various sources on The Hanged Man card, including the prose in the summary, to which no author was attributed. Narcissa's dialog in section V is taken directly from Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. Situations in section I are probably vaguely inspired by ruat_coelum_rpg. Beta'd by the wonderful lindy_grl123 and innerslytherin!
I. September 12, 1997
He understands the truth because he sees it from a different angle.
Every last detail had been planned, as much as could have been, anyway: Save Draco, murder Dumbledore, send information to Potter and hope the arrogant little bastard didn’t fuck things up.
"I'm leaving."
Severus snorted, but he was not amused. "You would be dead within a week." He brushed a strand of filthy hair out of his eyes. It had been weeks without a wash. "And so would I."
"I think you're wrong."
Severus looked up at his godson, who was standing defiantly near the door. His white-blonde hair was stringy and dark with filth, like the color of dishwater. Severus flicked his wand from beneath his robes, and ropes shot out, binding the boy to a rickety chair on the other side of the room. Draco protested with a few loud grumbles and then looked up to glare at Severus.
"I hardly wanted a companion on this little journey, so tell me - what was the point of killing the old man if you’re just going to get yourself killed anyway?" Severus asked before the boy could speak, then answered for him, "We all die in vain."
Draco stared for a moment and then dropped his head down, sagging against his restraints. "I can't-- I couldn't kill--"
This was the first the boy had mentioned what had happened that night on the tower, but it was obvious he had been thinking about it a lot. He had been very quiet the last few weeks.
"You dug your own grave and I pulled you out of it. I would appreciate it if you stayed out."
"But the Dark Lord is going to k--"
"Want to kill you," Severus interrupted. "But I believe with my insistence that I can make you a better Death Eater, he will oblige me and let you live."
Draco paled. The boy was much different than he himself was when he had been younger. Severus had been eager to kill. Draco, on the other hand, had been pumped full of lies, no doubt by his father, about the glory and prestige of serving the Dark Lord. Lies that omitted the darker details, no doubt.
"I don't want--"
"You will do what you're told." As I do to survive, he thought.
Severus stood and moved to the door.
"Godfather?"
Severus stilled, but did not turn around to face the bound boy. "Do not call me that."
"Why?"
Because it will make it harder for me to kill you, if I have to, he thought and walked out the door without response.
II. May 27, 1979
Desiring revolution, he betrayed his world; by choice the painful price is paid.
"Always talking…" Regulus brushed Severus' hair to the side and sucked his earlobe into his mouth.
They had just finished eating dinner and Severus was torn between letting this continue, one last time, or stopping it. He didn't think Regulus would get very far, anyway. He stiffened and leaned away, but Regulus only followed. "There is much to discuss."
"Don't do that," Regulus muttered, his lips trailing the length of Severus' neck. "It's been a whole day since we last fucked." Severus could feel Regulus' lips curl against his skin.
"You're insatiable."
"That should be old news after a year and a half of this, Severus," Regulus purred. His fingers gripped Severus' thin waist. "We've got plenty of time," he said, his voice playful.
No, you don't, Severus thought, but submitted to Regulus' sudden kiss anyway, hoping the poison he had been ordered to slip into Regulus' wine had been washed down thoroughly. In spite of his better judgment, he wrapped his arms around Regulus' waist and pulled him so that he was leaning against his chest.
They were kissing in earnest now. Regulus' hungry mouth was devouring Severus', and Severus clung to him and desperately tried to hold on to what he knew he had just destroyed. He suddenly wanted to take it back. All of it. He didn’t care that the Dark Lord called Regulus a traitor. In that instant, he wished he had joined Regulus, and not...
"Want to touch you," Regulus whispered, starting to pull Severus' shirt out of the top of his trousers. "Always..."
Regulus chuckled, but Severus' chest tightened painfully. He couldn’t breathe. "Don't say that." Severus' eyes stung. "Stop."
Regulus' laughter turned suddenly strange. He gasped once, and then did just as Severus had asked - he stopped. He slumped on top of Severus, dead weight, with his lips still pressed to Severus' jaw. Severus only turned his head, letting Regulus' head collapse to his shoulder.
Severus clamped his eyes shut and willed away the tears, all the while clutching Regulus to him. When he finally controlled his emotion, he rolled Regulus off of him, and made his way back to the Dark Lord to report his "success."
III. June 24, 1995
He is waiting, in suspension, on tenterhooks, dangling over the abyss, poised between heaven and hell.
The latter half of the day had been a whirlwind of events - the maze, Diggory, Barty. Severus found the transition easier than he had expected. He knew exactly what had to be done. He had been expecting it for years. It was easy to slip into the proper mindset for the Dark Lord's return.
Less than two hours after the ordeal, he planted himself in front of the Headmaster's desk, clasping his hands behind his back as he watched the older man pace slowly. Minerva was seated to his side, and looked up at him the way one would look at someone who had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
"Are you prepared for this, Severus?" Albus asked.
Severus' eyes continued to follow Albus for a moment before dropping to the floor, ignoring the way his arm still twinged painfully. "Yes. Furthermore, I believe that if I wait any longer, I will not be given the opportunity to explain my delay. The longer I allow them to think about my absence, the faster they will turn on me."
Albus nodded and stopped pacing, turning to look at Severus. Severus felt the gaze and looked back up to return it, unflinching in the face of what he knew he was going to have to do.
"Isn't there another way?" Minerva asked softly.
"If I hide, they will find me and kill me. If I remain here, not only will they come for me, but I will also be jeopardising the safety of the school and the Order. If I go to Him, the Order will have inside information that will help them greatly."
"What if He doesn't believe you?"
"I die." His voice was flat, business-like. "But He will believe me." Though he spoke to Minerva, his eyes never left Albus.
Albus paused, and then said simply, "Go."
Severus turned and left without looking back. Once he was out of the school gates, Severus Disapparated, only to reappear in a familiar cemetery. The crack of Apparition caused all heads to turn and a few wands to be drawn.
Calmly, Severus kept his eyes on only the figure in the center of the circle as he walked through the crowd to him, feeling a tingle go down his spine at the way those cold eyes appraised him.
Once he reached the other man (if he could still be called a man), he dropped to one knee in front of him and lowered his eyes, clasping his hands behind his back in suggestion of utter submission. "My Lord, allow me the privilege to explain my delay."
"Rise, Severus," the high, hissing voice replied, and when Severus did rise, he found the tip of the Dark Lord's wand under his chin, forcing his head up and pressing painfully into the flesh. "And look me in the eyes when you speak."
IV. November 2, 1995
When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice.
Remus pulled out with a wince and collapsed to Severus' side. Severus rolled over to face him and Remus lazily wrapped an arm around his waist, grinning. The thin sheen of sweat across his face and the way his hair was mussed made him look beautiful, even in the dim light of Grimmauld Place.
No, Severus was not one for flowery emotions, but he could recognize beauty.
He allowed his lips to curve just enough to show appreciation in response to Remus' smile and pulled him in close, their bodies rising and falling together as they recovered from their exertion.
"I never thought..." Remus started.
"Neither did I," Severus agreed.
"Mmm, brilliant. Bloody brilliant."
Severus suddenly felt a twinge of guilt in his stomach. It had been several months since they resumed the relationship that Severus' outing of the werewolf at Hogwarts had ended. Remus had been amazingly quick to forgive, knowing the curse on the position had been working on Severus at the time. Several months. Not nearly long enough. He hesitated, and then finally said, "I hope that you will learn to forgive me." Remus had forgiven him this time, after all.
Remus chuckled and pulled Severus in tighter. "I already have. Stop dwelling," he said warmly, accidentally kicking the bunched sheets off the end of his bed.
Severus hummed in thought, but there was something distinctly pessimistic about the sound. Remus pulled back to look at him, and Severus sat up. He began untangling his clothes from where they were on the floor and slipping into them.
"What's wrong?" Remus sat up, and then apparently felt naked and started to dress as well.
Severus didn't respond at first, wishing for them both to be fully clothed before he made his request. He finished dressing himself and waited for Remus to do the same. Once he was dressed, Remus crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Severus.
Severus stiffened unconsciously.
"What just happened here? I must have missed something," Remus said without letting go.
"I need you to Obliviate me." This time Remus stiffened, and Severus held him in place. "I've been summoned," he said.
"So soon?"
Severus had been surprised he hadn't be summoned sooner, but apparently Remus still was more optimistic than most. He didn't answer; he only looked at Remus with determination.
"I won't."
"All of it," Severus continued. "It could kill us both and you know it."
"All of--?"
"Not just the sex, Remus, us. Obliviate it all."
For a moment, Remus only stared in shock. Then he wrenched himself out of Severus' hold. "Fuck you," he hissed.
Severus followed and gripped him by his collar. If reason wouldn't work, he'd try another tack. "Why? Why, because you are a sad, pathetic man too attached to his own memories? Because you have no one else, other than that bloody ghost of a man you still call a friend?"
Remus' eyes were wide and hurt, and Severus felt that something inside him had died.
No matter. If he could get Remus to do it, he wouldn't remember the pain.
He pulled Remus close, his grip going surprisingly gentle, and whispered lowly in his ear. "Come on, Lupin. Show me you have more of a backbone than I've ever given you credit for."
V. July 6, 1996
When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release
The bitch's wand was pressed so firmly into the back of his hand, Severus knew he would have a mark for hours. She was doing it on purpose, no doubt, to see if she could get him to flinch. No luck. He only pressed back, determined not to let the pressure even push his hand off center.
"And, should it prove necessary, if it seems Draco will fail..."
His hand twitched. Narcissa's eyes flashed momentarily as if she thought he was going to pull away. Bellatrix seemed oblivious to it; she only stared wildly at the interlocked hands.
"Will you carry out the deed that the Dark Lord has ordered Draco to perform?"
This was not the plan. Help Draco, yes, but not complete the task for him. Not sacrifice his freedom, his life, the delicate balance he had created around himself, everything.
He could not kill Dumbledore, yet he could not say no.
"I will."
Months later, when he strode past Draco toward the weak Headmaster, all of his arguments had already been made. All of his objections had been rebuffed. His willingness to die rather than carry out the vow had been cast aside.
It was easy to muster the anger he needed to cast the spell perfectly. He had no choice but to carry this through now - no choice but tear his own soul. That thought alone burned hot enough to make the curse easy to produce, but when Albus finally begged him, he hated the older man for it more than even he could have imagined. He raised his wand, cast the spell, and watched in contained fury as Albus fell in a flash of green.
VI. January 3, 1999
Though he is tortured every day, he patiently awaits a redeemer, for he knows that if he tries to save himself, he will plummet into the abyss.
He couldn't move from the waist down. It was some sort of a curse. It wasn't a blood flow problem, he knew that definitively by the way he had woken up on several occasions in St. Mungo's to a mediwizard checking up on him whilst trying to ignore the way his sheets were tented up around his groin.
He wasn't going to complain. After all, he had thought the stress and psychological toll of the war after murdering Albus had taken that away from him. The few attempts at physical gratification with Muggle whores while he was on the run had all ended embarrassingly enough. Who knew his cock could be more emotional than he was?! Not even the slide of a strange pair of lips over it had cheered it up.
On the whole, he was happy to find it greeting him in the mornings now, even if the dreams that preceded it were a bit strange.
"I'll, ah, leave you to that," one of the cheekier mediwitches had said, and Severus wished he had his wand so he could hex her.
Instead, all he could do was call after her, "Bugger off!"
He wasn't allowed his wand. It was undoubtedly locked up in the Ministry somewhere. He was surprised that he had even been allowed to stay at St. Mungo's instead of being carted off, crippled or not, to wherever the Ministry was housing its prisoners these days.
He didn't know why he was being kept in the hospital. No one would tell him a bloody thing. To be honest, it was a bit of a relief to just live, however stagnant it was, and not have to worry about Potter or any of the Horcruxes. Soon enough he would either be thrown to the Ministry sharks or be dodging the curses of the few remaining Death Eaters (assuming he regained control of his legs). Either way he went, once he was released, would not be pretty. So, for now, he intended to enjoy his comfortable bed and morning wanking - which seemed like a gift from God, or whatever there was up there, after over a year without an orgasm to speak of.
The knock on the door to his room came on the fourteenth hour of the seventeenth day he had been here. Not that he had been counting. He was surprised to see Remus Lupin slide in the door and make his way to his bed. He sat without saying anything.
"If you're here to kill me, you need to submit your application in writing. There are many talented - and not so talented - wizards vying for that honor and I would hate make a hasty decision."
Remus smiled softly, looking a little uncomfortable. "I'm not here to kill you." He set a small bottle on Severus' bedside table that looked like it contained hair. "I tried to collect what I could after my last transformation," he explained, and Severus realized it was fur, not hair. "Didn't think you would be much for get well flowers, but I figured you might be able to use that in your brewing." Remus shrugged.
Severus snorted. "Bring me your spleen in a jar and we'll talk."
Remus laughed, his eyes lighting up for a moment before something else crossed his face entirely. He put out a hand, looking for a moment like he was going to take Severus', and then withdrew it, placing his knuckles against his lips. He was looking at Severus strangely, as if he were on the verge of tears. Severus looked away from Remus' display quickly.
Remus finally cleared his throat and looked away as well. "I came to see if I could convince you to testify in your own defense. Mr. Malfoy says you won't."
"Draco was correct."
"Why?"
"I've hardly the tact to sweet talk the Wizengamot."
"Very well then, I will testify."
Remus was on his feet and across the room before Severus could protest. He only managed to stammer, "Wha-- Why?"
Remus turned in the doorway to face him, eyes looking glassy. "Because, once you are a free man again, we have a lot to discuss that you might not remember."
"My memory is intact," Severus said involuntarily -- then he wondered if it was true.
"No." Remus shook his head sadly. "Your intellect is intact. Not your memory... We'll talk once you're free."