the polyjuice diaries

[otempora01]

Okay, yeah, so, this is so much crack you’re going to wonder if I was on crack while I wrote it. I wasn’t, but I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me. This really could have been longer as I could have expanded it to cover a week, but James and Al couldn’t even last that long. Al might have been able to, but you couldn’t pay James enough to kiss Scorpius Malfoy, so. Also, nobody actually learns anything from this ordeal. Like, at all. Anyway, on with the crack.

the polyjuice diaries
otempora01, rated PG for snogging, forced snogging, implied sexual situations, cursing, and James’ emotional distress.
Harry Potter, AS/S, Teddy/James, Scorpius/James, Teddy/Al, m/m post-series.
James and Albus Severus Potter have an argument over who has the harder life and, with the help of Rose Weasley and some Polyjuice Potion, they’re about to find out that nothing works out quite as planned.
Complete, 7,606 words.



It was Wednesday morning when the subject came up and they were all down by the lake after dinner, waiting for the sun to set.

James and Albus Severus were skipping rocks across the lake, trying to catch sight of the Giant Squid, while Lily and Hugo played a rousing game of Muggle tag behind them. Rose was the only one absent. She’d decided to head over to the Greenhouse and help Neville organize the mandrakes.

Al threw a rock particularly far, but before he could even begin to sing his own praises, James had reared his arm back and pitched another rock even farther. Al glared at him. “Showoff.”

“Oh, like you weren’t showing off just then,” James said, unrepentant. “Can’t have you getting too big for your trousers, there, little brother.”

“You’re the one with the big head,” Al argued with a whine in his voice that made him sound less like a mature sixteen year old and more like a bratty three year old. “Walking around like you’re Merlin’s gift to Gryffindor.”

“What about you?” James argued back, throwing a rock in the air and catching it expertly moments later. “You’ve been shaming the family in Slytherin since First Year and I haven’t heard you say sorry.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being in Slytherin! It’s for proud, ambitious people with goals and dreams and-”

“A long familial history of dabbling in Dark Magic before, during, and after the War,” James was making a face, looking much like he’d just swallowed a lemon, and missed the rock on its second trip back down. “You being in Slytherin just makes things twice as hard for me, because I have to make up for the grand disappoint that is your existence.”

Al’s mouth fell open. “Things are twice as hard for you? Between the House prejudice I get from my own brother and the way Mum and Dad still flinch when I bring Scorp around, it’s a wonder I haven’t tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower!”

“You don’t know what it’s like being the good son,” James sighed. “It’s so much pressure. There are so many expectations I’m, well, expected to meet. Not only do I have to be a Gryffindor, but I also have to be an example. I have to prove to Mum and Dad that they haven’t failed as parents by spending eleven years raising a snake.”

“Oh, right,” Al said coldly. “I can certainly see that you’re having a really hard time with that while you’re laughing with your mates, setting off dungbombs in the kitchen to scare the House elves, and getting more detentions than Dad or granddad ever did.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand the complexities of my life, Albus Severus,” James said, equally as cold. “You’re too busy wandering around with the pointy-faced Malfoy and winning Quidditch matches and succeeding at Potions, like the traitor you are.”

Al scoffed. “It’s not as fun as it sounds. Sometimes I have to sit and listen to your ignorant arse.”

“I’m ignorant?!”

“Guys,” Lily interrupted, cheeks red from exertion and hair a mess-which was a shame because, out of the three of them, she was the only one to completely inherit Ginny Weasley’s hair. “Your shouting is throwing off our game. What are you two bickering about now?”

“James is lamenting that it’s so hard to be Mum and Dad’s favorite,” The scorn in Al’s voice made it very clear what he thought about the statement and James’ relative level of intelligence.

“Al claims that being a yellow-bellied Slytherin traitor to the Potter family is harder than it sounds,” James remarked. “Plus, he keeps using words like ‘lament’, as if I know what the bloody hell that means.”

Hugo, ever the peacemaker, exchanged glances with Lily before speaking, “Well, why don’t you guys try walking in one another’s shoes for a second? James, Al probably struggles daily with wanting to be happy and do well and wanting to do what his Mum and Dad-and you-want. Al, James probably feels that since you were sorted into Slytherin and he’s the eldest, then he has to compensate for that somehow. Neither of you are right or wrong. You’re both getting the short end of the stick.”

“Exactly,” Lily agreed, sounding for all the world like everything Hugo just said had come straight out of her brain, if not her mouth. “So, shut up and stop acting like morons.”

She turned and walked away. Hugo paused to smile at them before following her. Al grumbled something under his breath, then picked up a rock and skipped it with the obvious intent of ignoring James until it was time to go in. James was wondering whether accidental genius ran in his family or if he was just very good at reading between the lines and twisting people’s words to suit his own nefarious schemes.

“Hugo’s right,” he began innocently. “We need to try walking in one another’s shoes. Then we’ll know for sure whose life is harder.”

Al glanced at him with the heir of one contemplating calling St. Mungo’s. Then, he sighed. “How much trouble will we be in if we get caught doing whatever you’ve got planned?”

“We probably won’t go to Azkaban, but we’d better not get caught. Just in case.” Silence. “I’m willing to bet fifty galleons that my life is tougher than yours.”

“Oh, fine,” Al said. “But I’m spending it on Scorp’s birthday present to add insult to injury.”

“Your brash overconfidence will be your downfall,” James stretched and ruffled his messy red hair. “But first, we need Rose.”

*

“No. No way. Absolutely not,” Rose snapped, walking that much faster to get away from her two crazy cousins. “I don’t know which is worse: that you guys are so stupid or that you think I’m stupid, too.”

“We don’t think you’re stupid,” James said sweetly, pouring on the Potter charm. “That’s why we need your help. Al’s good at Potions, but he’s not good enough to cook up some Polyjuice. You can. Your Mum could do it when she was twelve.”

“I’m not my Mum!”

Rose stopped walking and whirled around to face them. Al was giving her that wide-eyed hopeful look that had conned her into helping him sneak into the Greenhouse to pick flowers for his boyfriend and James was completely unruffled, raising an eyebrow as though to say, we both know you’re going to do this for me so why are we still talking about it?

She sighed heavily, wondering why she’d been burdened with these two. Lily wasn’t nearly so bad, but two out of three Potter kids were going to be responsible for her first grey hairs. Why couldn’t her Aunt Ginny have married someone else? Neville, maybe. He was nice and meek and surely unable to father such disobedient, rowdy children.

“Rosie,” Al said. “Please try and remember that you’re sixteen. Not forty.”

“Physically. Mentally, I’m remembering the good old days when rules were made to be followed and there was order and-” Rose realized that she was beginning to sound like her father’s stories of Dolores Umbridge and flinched. “Right, well. It’ll take me some time to make it, but you guys have to get all the ingredients. I can’t do everything for you prats.”

“Oh, I’ve taken care of that already,” James said, waving a hand dismissively. “Al borrowed some stuff from Slughorn, since the guy loves him and all, and I nicked whatever Al couldn’t borrow. We’re not complete idiots.”

“You’re asking me to brew Polyjuice Potion so you can impersonate one another and settle a bet,” Rose reminded him. “I’d say you’re at least 95% idiot if you haven’t gone all the way yet.”

James glowered. “We asked for your help, not your opinion.”

“Let’s meet in the Room of Requirement later so we can get started,” Al said placidly, stepping between them before Rose hexed James for insolence and general bigheadedness. “Scorp’s prefect, so he’ll cover for me.”

“Ugh,” James closed his eyes and groaned. “I keep trying to forget you’re best mates with that Malfoy git. I’m going to have to pretend to like him?”

A wide smirk spread on Rose’s face. “Suddenly, I feel much more accommodating,” she placed a hand on both their shoulders, fighting to hide it. “Remember, don’t you breathe a word of this to anyone, no matter how close. Not even Lily. The less people who know, the better our chances of pulling this off without incriminating me.”

Al eyed her as though he knew exactly what she was fantasizing, but he wisely nodded along with James. After all, if he took her only source of excitement out of this, she wouldn’t hesitate to put him in the Hospital Wing with a bad case of forcibly induced dragon pox and he probably knew it.

*

A little over a month later, the three of them were sitting cross-legged in the Room of Requirement, all bent over the steaming cauldron of Polyjuice Potion. Despite what she’d said, Rose had, in fact, been able to successfully brew Polyjuice Potion since the age of twelve, and, with all the ingredients accounted for, she’d been able to do it in less time than her mother had.

In the meantime, James and Al had been giving one another lessons. James had run down a list of his mates and how to act around them, which classes he liked and hated, and how to fly on his broomstick without looking like a pansy. Al had gone through everything he knew and was supposed to know about Scorpius Malfoy, how to stop acting like a Slytherin-hating, close-minded, prat-faced git, and things he would never be caught or not caught doing.

Rose carefully poured the Polyjuice into two goblets that James had nicked from the kitchens and handed one to each of them. “Okay, just pull out one another’s hair, add it to the potion, and drink up.”

James wasted no time in reaching over and ripping out a handful of dark hair from Al’s head.

“OW!” Al screeched, smacking James’ hand away. “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“You heard what she said,” James said, sprinkling the hair into his goblet and watching the Potion turn a deep emerald. “Slytherin colors. It figures.”

Rose quickly, gently tugged out some of James’ hair before Al could hold him down and start ripping. “Here,” she said, holding out her hand. Al reluctantly took the red strands and put them in his goblet. His potion turned mud brown.

“You look like shite because you’re so full of it,” Al said cheerfully, downing the potion in one gulp. James quickly did the same, although he paused to punch Al in the shoulder first.

At first, nothing seemed to happen. Then, both boys were making small, pained noises as their bones began to rearrange and get smaller or larger depending on who was transforming into who. James’ dark red hair turned brown-black while Al’s lightened to red, Al’s freckles faded from around his nose to gather on his cheeks while James’ did the same in reverse, and James’ eyes changed from brown to brilliant green while Al’s changed from brilliant green to brown.

By the time the transformation was complete, Al was nearly popping out of his clothes and James was almost drowning in his. Al-now looking like James-glanced at James-now looking like Al-and frowned.

“You better not do anything funny in my body,” Al said in James’ voice. “If I get detention for some stupid stunt you pulled, I swear I’ll go and befriend every Slytherin in your year.”

“Blah, blah, blah, stop worrying,” James said in Al’s voice, unbuttoning his shirt. “And give me your clothes. Can’t very well go waltzing into Slytherin wearing a Gryffindor tie, can I?”

Rose respectfully turned her back as the boys changed, pouring the Polyjuice into a series of vials and gathering up her supplies. “I’d suggest you two keep a reserve supply of one another’s hair so that when you start to change back in a few hours, you can just drink some more. How long are you planning to do this for, anyway?”

“Just a day,” James-Al said. “I think that’s long enough for James to see what it’s like to be a Slytherin without actually being assimilated into the House. I don’t want him whining about emotional damages.”

Al-James, who had conjured up a mirror, was looking at himself from all sides and making faces. “I look like a scrawny freak. How on earth do you stand walking around like this all the time?”

Rose shook her head. “I can’t believe I participated in this. If you get caught, you’d better not mention my name.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” James drawled and it sounded wrong in Al’s nice, friendly voice. “I’ve already forgotten who you are and what role, no matter how large, you played in this turn of events.”

“Good,” Rose said, stuffing everything into her bag. “Now try not to do anything stupider.”

*

Scorpius Malfoy had seen a lot of strange things in his life, but watching Albus Severus Potter roll out of bed, curse up a storm that woke up the other two boys in the dorm, and then scratch himself inappropriately on his way to the bathroom was tops on the list.

Al usually slept in until Scorpius had showered, combed his hair, and woke him up and Al usually never cursed unless he was really angry. He also couldn’t remember seeing Al scratch himself there in front of a room full of boys. Scorpius didn’t mind, but Nott looked a little sick and Zabini looked a little too interested.

He scowled and finished combing his hair, then grabbed the clothes Al had forgotten on the bed. Al hated changing in front of the other boys, no matter how many times Scorpius assured him that he looked perfectly fine in the buff. Something must have been troubling his friend for Al to forget his clothes.

When he got to the bathroom, Al was singing, “A Wizard’s Wand Has A Knob At The End,” at the top of his lungs, much to the dismay of the other wet, naked boys in the shower with him. The lyrics to this version of the song were particularly lewd. In fact, Al couldn’t seem to go two words in the song without ad-libbing something nasty.

Scorpius cleared his throat. “I brought you your clothes, Al. You left them on the bed.”

Al’s song warbled to a close, his shower shut off, and he came out, sans towel or anything really, leaning against the wall and eyeing Scorpius suspiciously. “You brought me my clothes?”

“Yes,” Scorpius said, wondering what on earth had crawled up Al’s arse. “Did you leave your towel, too?”

Al seemed to war with himself for a moment before he simply shrugged in reply and allowed Scorpius to cast a drying spell on him and hand him his clothes. Much to Scorpius’ surprise, Al requested that he turn around while he put his clothes on, as if Scorpius hadn’t just seen him naked. As if Scorpius didn’t see him naked almost every night.

Al didn’t even bother to tell Scorpius he was finished, just walked past him asking, “Where did I dump my bag?”

At breakfast, Al wolfed down half his weight in pancakes, bacon, and eggs, finishing everything on his plate in seconds before grabbing for something else. He finished Scorpius’ food, too, without asking, and eyed Nott’s breakfast for a moment or two before the boy sighed and handed it over. After some deliberation, Scorpius decided that Al was eating for comfort and must have gotten into a fight with his brother. No one could make Al feel worse than James Potter.

It must have been a pretty intense fight to make Al act like this, though. Scorpius was worried.

“Did you and your brother fight?” he asked quietly, not wanting the entire table to hear about Al’s problems.

Al didn’t stop inhaling food. “Whakes y’ink at?”

“English, please. I don’t speak glutton.”

“What. Makes. You. Think. That?” Al enunciated before stuffing half a pancake in his mouth.

“You’re acting strangely,” Scorpius winced as Al sucked down a glass of orange juice without seeming to breathe. “I’m worried about you.”

Al swallowed his juice and pancakes, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and stared at Scorpius as though he’d never seen him before in his life. He cleared his throat, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “I’m… sorry,” he sounded like the words were painful to get out, which was odd because Al had never had a problem with apologizing. “You’re right. James and I had a huge row last night and I’m pretty sure I’ve made him hate me. I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to him.”

“You could try stroking his ego,” Scorpius suggested wryly. “That wouldn’t take much effort. Just say, ‘Sorry, James, but you’re just so-’ and let him fill in the rest.”

“Oi, watch your mouth, you little-” Al began, voice sharp before he cut himself off and blushed. “I mean, yeah-that James Potter is such an arrogant bastard.”

Scorpius frowned. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Fine,” Al squeaked, getting to his feet and grabbing his bag. “I’m going to Potions-”

“Herbology. We have Herbology with the Hufflepuffs today.”

“-Herbology early. Can’t be too early for class!” Al grabbed a plate of toast, stuffed an extra one in his mouth, and ran out of the Great Hall so fast he nearly twisted something.

Scorpius watched him run with rising anxiousness, then glared across the Hall at James Potter, who was sitting with his sister at the Gryffindor table. Whatever James had done or said to Al had really done a number on him and damn if Scorpius was going to let him get away with it.

*

Lily Potter was really worried about her big brother James. James, who was usually up before she was, hogging the boys’ showers and singing inappropriate songs at the top of his lungs (or so she heard), had been the last one down from the common room, all sleepy-eyed and messy-haired. She’d almost missed breakfast waiting for him to shower because he’d refused to take one until all the other Gryffindor boys had finished and had panicked because he’d left his clothes in his dorm and Lily, being a fourteen year old girl, couldn’t get them for him.

Once that crisis had been solved with the help of a first year Gryffindor boy, they’d headed down to the Great Hall together, where James had proceeded to eat one pancake, some toast, half a glass of orange juice, and nothing else. James usually ate more than a small country at breakfast, like they were going to take the food back and give it to unfortunates if he didn’t eat it fast.

Lily knew it was because he wanted to build up energy so he could skip lunch to write to Teddy, but she also knew it was more than a little gross to watch. James had finished his miniscule breakfast and was now falling asleep with his elbow dangerously close to the butter dish. He didn’t look like he was going anywhere unless forced.

“James,” she hissed, jabbing him sharply. He jumped, knocking the butter dish off the table and into Xena Thomas’ lap. “James, what’s the matter? Didn’t you get enough sleep last night?”

James rubbed his eyes. “Yeah. Why?”

“Why? You’re falling asleep! You’re not eating!” She gasped, lowering her voice. “Oh Merlin, you and Teddy didn’t have a row, did you?”

“Me and Teddy?” James asked, looking a little more awake. “Not that I know of. Why? Did he say something to you?”

Lily thought that James should perhaps look a little more worried that Teddy might be angry with him considering she caught them snogging in the linen closet five times over summer break, but James only looked like what she was saying was only slightly more interesting than sleep.

“Did you two break up and not tell me?”

James blinked. Slowly. “Break up what?”

Lily scrutinized him for signs of a joke, but he looked truly confused. When she didn’t answer, he folded his arms on the table and tried to get back to sleep, leaving her to puzzle out the source of this mysterious depression. She glanced over at the Hufflepuff table, where Hugo was chatting with his little Hufflepuff friends, and wished her cousin was over here with the Gryffindors so he could theorize with her. Her eyes found Rose at the Ravenclaw table and Rose, who would usually be reading, was looking over at the Slytherin table with a barely suppressed smile on her face. Lily followed her gaze and saw Al dumping the entire contents of Scorpius Malfoy’s plate into his mouth.

She looked over at James, who was fast asleep, then back at Al, who was now eyeing some other boy’s plate with obvious hunger, and back again.

No way, she thought, shaking ridiculous ideas out of her head. James is just tired, that’s all. And Merlin only knows what’s wrong with Al, but Scorpius Malfoy’ll probably figure it out.

James didn’t wake up until half the table had finished their breakfast. He yawned widely and stretched like a cat, arched back and all. For a moment, he looked confused to be sitting at the table, but then his eyes widened almost imperceptibly and he sighed. “Why is breakfast so bloody long?”

His eyes were fixed over at the Slytherin table as he spoke, specifically on Scorpius Malfoy who was glaring at him fiercely. Al had rushed out of the Great Hall some time ago without even bothering to wave at Lily or Rose or Hugo.

“Because not everybody eats like a pack of ravenous hippogriffs,” Lily said uncertainly, because James hadn’t done that today. “Some of them take actual time to digest.”

“He looks sort of angry,” James observed as though she hadn’t said anything. “I wonder what James-I mean what Al’s done to get him so angry.”

Lily did not ignore the slip. “What did you do to Scorpius Malfoy, James? You know Al hates it when you pick on him.”

“I didn’t do anything to him,” James insisted, although he muttered something that sounded a lot like, I better not have anyway.

“He looks like you shot his owl.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I love Geminius.”

Lily stared at him. “Geminius?”

“Gem for short. His Dad named it,” James said before seeming to realize that he was talking companionably about a Malfoy and rushing to correct himself. “So I hear, anyway. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was only half-true. Scorpius seems like the kind of twit to name his owl something like that.”

He broke into too-loud laughter, his eyes darting nervously from Lily to Scorpius and back again before he got up. “Um, I need to, er, use the loo. Excuse me.”

“I’ll walk you,” Lily said calmly, getting up as well. “I’d like to hear more about Geminius.”

James swallowed, but didn’t stop her from following him out of the Great Hall and down the corridor. They didn’t get very far before a voice was calling, “Hey!” behind them and Scorpius Malfoy was hurrying toward them with a half-determined, half-infuriated expression on his face. “Potter.”

Lily and James both said, “What?”

“You,” Scorpius said, jutting his chin at James. “What did you do to Al?”

James had a hard time meeting Scorpius’ eyes. Lily watched as he focused on the wall over Scorpius’ shoulder, his voice sounding quiet when he answered, “Nothing?”

“He’s upset about something that has to do with you,” Scorpius continued angrily. “Do you think you could stop being an arsehole for a day and apologize to him? He’s your brother and I swear if he cries-”

“He’s not going to cry,” James snapped, still looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. “He hasn’t cried since he was-” he stopped, then corrected himself hastily. “He’s just not, okay?”

Scorpius looked at Lily with obvious confusion, but Lily didn’t know how to even begin to answer the question in his eyes. James was acting weird, Al was acting weird, and Rose probably knew something, but they were her cousins and if something was going on, they probably didn’t want a Malfoy knowing about it.

Well. Al might, but he was a Slytherin-sympathizer and, therefore, his opinion didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

“Okay…” Scorpius said slowly when he failed to get any answers from Lily. “Just leave him alone. I’m getting really sick of you treating him like dirt. If we have to have this conversation again, my wand will be involved. Got it, Potter?”

James finally, finally met Scorpius’ gaze. “Let me get this straight,” he said in awe. “You’re threatening me because I upset… Al?”

“Obviously.”

Lily had to rub her eyes twice. James was looking at Scorpius strangely. There was surprise, yes, but there was also something softer, something almost… affectionate about it.

Scorpius seemed to notice, too, because he paled and stepped back. “Yes, well, I’d better go find Al and make sure he’s okay. Goodbye, Potters.”

James’ cheeks were red as Scorpius walked away. Lily folded her arms. “What the bloody hell was that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, lifting his chin and heading for the loo again. Lily shook her head and followed him, wondering when the hell James decided to leave Teddy Lupin for Scorpius Malfoy.

*

James was beginning to suspect that Scorpius Malfoy had a big, gay crush on him. Well, on his brother.

He’d been suspecting it since that morning when Scorpius had been looking at his brother’s wet, dripping skin like it was an all-you-can-eat-for-free buffet, but, as it turned out, Scorpius looked at him that way all the bloody time. They were standing side-by-side at a table in Herbology and James couldn’t go a minute without feeling Scorpius Malfoy’s eyes on him.

It was seriously creeping him out.

“What?” he hissed for the umpteenth time. “Mandrakes aren’t interesting enough for you that you have to gape at me like that?”

Scorpius flinched and looked away for the umpteenth time. James released a long breath through his nose and tried to remember that he was impersonating his brother and his brother probably didn’t notice the stares or, at least, didn’t snap at Scorpius for them. He flat-out refused to refer to the Malfoy as ‘Scorp’ like his pansy brother and had more or less managed to go without directly addressing Scorpius for the better part of the morning. He wasn’t sure he could keep it up all day.

“Sorry,” he whispered reluctantly. “I’m in a bad mood.”

“Understatement of the century, but I forgive you,” Scorpius whispered back, a relieved smile on his face. It made James a little ill to see him get so excited over a stupid little apology so he went back to his mandrake and just tried not to look at Scorpius. “So, tonight I was thinking maybe the Room of Requirement? Your brother’s not using it, is he?”

There was something in there that gave James a bad feeling. “No, but, er…” That wounded puppy look was creeping back onto Scorpius’ face and James really, really hated his brother right then. “Can’t wait.”

Neville interrupted them to check on their mandrakes and James couldn’t remember being happier to see his Professor, including that time when he was young and stupid and fancied Neville because he brought him chocolate every time he came to visit. Of course, that had been before Teddy had begun to bring better chocolate and back when chocolate could buy James’ affections.

He was far over that, had been ever since Teddy stuck his tongue in James’ mouth for the first time, but you never forgot your first love.

The class ended all too soon and then Scorpius was walking him to Potions with the Ravenclaws and James dived into the seat next to Rose without looking back at the blond because if he had to see that wounded puppy look one more time, he’d hex someone.

“He’s driving me crazy,” he whispered to Rose, angrily getting out his books. “He follows me all over the bloody place, looking at me like he’s seconds away from licking me or something, and I have to be nice to him. Bugger that!”

Rose was biting her lip to keep from snickering. “So, being Al isn’t as easy as you thought, is it?”

“Malfoy doesn’t count. Al likes him, so his presence does not contribute to the imaginary hardships my little brother faces,” James said with a pout. The pouting thing looked much better on Al’s face than his, he’d noticed. “I just wish Al had some other friends I could hang out with.”

Slughorn came in then, effectively ending the conversation, though James heard Rose chuckling under her breath every few minutes. He chanced a look over at Scorpius, who was sitting on the Slytherin side of the room with Zabini, carefully crunching beetles. Scorpius didn’t look at him, but since James had felt his eyes for the first half of class, he assumed it was because Scorpius had given up on getting his attention.

James got the feeling that his brother would probably feel guilty or something like that, but his brother was a pansy and the only reason James hadn’t told Scorpius off yet was because he didn’t want to forfeit and have to give Al fifty galleons.

“How’re you going to last the rest of the day if you’re fed up already?” Rose asked out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated on stirring her potion.

James sighed. “I’m taking comfort in the fact that Al’s probably having a worse time than I am. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me going,”

*

Sometimes, Al really hated being the son of the famous savior of the wizarding world, especially when they invited his Dad to speak out against the evils of the Dark Arts on a day when he was using Polyjuice potion to illegally impersonate his brother to settle a bet. He especially hated it when his father brought Teddy with him.

It wasn’t that Al didn’t like Teddy. He and Teddy got on just fine when James bothered to let anybody but himself spend time with him. Teddy was over at their house too often for Al to hate him and, besides, it was always cool watching him change color and shape and species at will.

It was just that Al wasn’t in love with Teddy, like his brother so obviously was. James didn’t even pretend to hide it. He’d probably eat, sleep, and breathe Teddy Lupin if he could. And, to the best of Al’s knowledge, Teddy had been taking the whole thing in stride.

Apparently, at some point, Teddy and James had consummated their relationship, which was the only conceivable explanation for why he was currently trapped between a wall and Teddy’s body.

“Um,” he managed just as soon as Teddy stopped kissing him. “Um. Dad’s going to-”

“Your Dad’s off saying hullo to Neville,” Teddy murmured, pressing his lips against Al’s temple. He tried really hard to pass his flinch off as a shiver. “I’d be more worried about one of your classmates walking in.”

Al cleared his throat, discreetly tilting his head away from Teddy. “Um. One of my classmates is going to-”

Teddy laughed and, much to Al’s relief, pulled away. “Alright, what’s wrong? You’re the last person to want to put an end to dangerous classroom snogging. Don’t tell me you’ve finally decided to listen to my warnings after two years?”

“Two years?” Al choked. “James just turned seventeen last month!”

Teddy was looking at him strangely and Al realized what he’d said, blushed, and avoided his eyes. “I mean, I… I guess I’m just not feeling very, um, like myself today.”

“Okay,” Teddy said slowly, running his fingers through his canary yellow hair. “Would you like me to go catch up with your Dad then? I only came along because I thought you might want to see me before Easter hols. Or, really, I wanted to see you before Easter hols. It’s a bit difficult to find a quiet place to snog with your family about.”

Al winced, knowing that if he were really James and not just impersonating James, then he’d be ecstatic to see Teddy. James would probably have him straddled on the teacher’s desk right about now, rutting against him like a dog in heat. It just seemed like the sort of thing James would do.

Al tried to muster up even a little affection for Teddy, but he couldn’t twist it into anything other than friendship or the love one had for family. He certainly didn’t want to straddle Teddy or-or anything else along that lines. Besides, he had a boyfriend, one who would be royally pissed if Al had any kind of sex with Teddy. Or anyone else. Ever.

“I am happy to see you, Teddy,” he said, shoving down his nervousness. “I really am. I’ve just been having a bloody awful day and-” he clenched his eyes shut. “Come here.”

When he opened them again, Teddy was warily less than three inches away from him and Al reached forward and dragged him into a kiss before he could chicken out. Teddy immediately kissed him back, hands coming up to cup his face and tongue pushing past his lips. Al ignored the flare of alarm and rested his hands somewhere near Teddy’s hips.

I hate my brother, I hate my brother, I hate my brother, he thought, the mantra playing over and over in his mind the longer Teddy’s lips were on his and Teddy’s tongue was in his mouth. But he had to draw the line somewhere and Teddy’s hand crawling up his shirt was it. Al hadn’t even noticed him pulling the shirt out of his trousers.

“No!” he said, pushing Teddy away. “I’ve still got to get through dinner and I’m not walking into the Great Hall looking like I might as well be holding a sign that said ‘I Just Cheated on My Boyfriend with My Brother’s Boyfriend.’“

“What?” Teddy asked, hair beginning to turn red. “You just cheated on who with who?”

“Ah-” Al resisted the urge to turn and start banging his head against the wall because there was no way he could get any stupider. “Nothing! It was-I was joking. I can’t think properly with your-while you’re-bugger!”

Al pushed past Teddy and ran for the door, then skidded to a halt. “Bloody hell, I don’t even know where they’re meeting tonight. Oh, I swear if James is doing to Scorpius what-Merlin!”

“James,” Teddy’s forcibly patient voice said from behind him. “Obviously something odd’s going on here and you have about ten seconds to start telling me about it before I snap.”

Al turned slowly, weighing his options. On the one hand, this was the only time he’d see Teddy until Easter hols and if he confessed, he’d never have to snog Teddy Lupin again. On the other hand, Rose had subtlety threatened him with violence if he told anybody what she’d done. And, on the hypothetical third hand, James and Scorpius would both kill him when they found out what happened.

But then he thought of how crushed James had looked when Teddy hadn’t been able to make it over for Christmas and then how happy he’d been when Teddy had burst into the Burrow seconds away from midnight, carrying presents and a long story about Ministry arseholes and surprise missions. Al may have hated his brother, but he also loved his brother and he didn’t want to waste anymore of Teddy’s time.

“First of all,” he sighed. “I’m not James. I’m Al.”

Teddy raised an eyebrow. “Go on…”

“James and I had an argument about whose life is hardest and so we got some Polyjuice Potion and decided to switch for the day. Loser gives the winner fifty galleons.”

“Okay, okay,” Teddy said, rubbing a hand across his face. “Let me get this straight. I just spent the last ten minutes snogging my boyfriend’s underage brother in my boyfriend’s body?”

“Um. Yes,” Al said meekly. “I’m very sorry?”

“That’s alright. I’m just going to go over here and try to stop feeling like a dirty pervert for awhile.”

“I make you feel like a dirty pervert?” Al asked indignantly. “Two years?!”

Teddy groaned.

“The reason I told you was because I want James to get to see you while you’re here, so if you come with me, we’ll probably be able to find him. It’s Scorpius’ turn to choose the place, but he almost always goes for the Room of Requirement since it can be a different room every time.”

Teddy looked confused for a moment before he realized what Al meant and raced out the classroom door. Al laughed nervously and followed.

*

“TOUCH ME AND DIE!” James screamed from the top of a tall bookshelf. Yes, he was overreacting and, yes, Al wouldn’t be acting like this, but he’d walked into the Room of the Requirement with Scorpius, who had kissed him, so excuse him for being a little jumpy. “I WANT ALL YOUR HANDS WERE I CAN SEE THEM, YOU NASTY GIT.”

Scorpius was sitting on the loveseat, which was the only place to sit in the room besides the large bed in the center of it. Obviously, Scorpius had expected them to make use of that bed, which meant that Scorpius Malfoy had been shagging his brother, which meant that James was going to be very ill in the near future. He was totally going to aim for Scorpius’ head.

“Albus Severus Potter,” Scorpius said and he had the nerve to sound angry. “You’ve been acting like a whiny brat all day now what is your problem?”

James couldn’t understand why he even had to ask. “You tried to kiss me!”

“No, I did kiss you,” Scorpius corrected. “Just like I did yesterday and the day before and every day since last year. This is the first time it’s ever made you scale a bookshelf in under twenty seconds.”

“Yes, well, maybe it’s time we stop that,” James shifted into a more comfortable position, letting his legs hang off the top of the bookshelf. “I mean, come on. Next year, we’ll be about to graduate and do you really see us lasting past then? I don’t. In fact, I think we should do our very best not to speak to one another for the rest of the year and see how it goes.”

Scorpius stared at him.

“What?” James asked defensively.

The door chose that particular moment to slam open and James nearly fell off the bookshelf when he saw himself burst in followed by none other than Teddy Lupin.

“TEDDY!” he screamed before he could stop himself, jumping down off the bookshelf, rolling back onto his feet, and tackling Teddy right where he stood. “What’re you doing here? I can’t believe it! I thought I wouldn’t see you ‘till Easter!”

He topped it off by snogging Teddy so fiercely their lips were probably bruising. He pulled back and licked his lips, noticing for the first time that Teddy and Scorpius’ faces were pale, while Al in his body was blushing and scuffing his feet against the carpet.

“Right, well,” James said, climbing off Teddy and standing next to his brother. “Er, I don’t suppose there’s anyway the two of you could forget-”

Scorpius’ eyes were bright. “Never as long as I live.”

“Ditto,” Teddy agreed, sitting up and touching his lips. “I don’t care if that’s you, James, you look like Al and it’s bloody creepy.”

“James?” Scorpius echoed, standing. “Potter?”

“Yes, and I hope you feel bad for taking advantage of me now, you great prat,” James began indignantly, but then the corner of the room was transforming into a sink and a toothbrush and some toothpaste popped into existence, which Scorpius proceeded to use to brush his teeth like he was trying to rid himself of all sixteen years of plaque buildup. “I was going to do that as soon as we got back to Slytherin, so there!”

Al sighed. “Well, this was a complete and utter failure.”

“You didn’t snog him, did you?” James asked Teddy, gaping when the boy’s cheeks flared red. “Oh Merlin, you did!” He rounded on his brother. “You harlot!”

“What? You snogged my boyfriend too!”

“Your boyfriend snogged me! I was the victim of snog-rape!”

“Shut up!” Scorpius warbled from the sink. “I’m still trying to forget it!”

Al glared at James and went to join his boyfriend in the corner of the room, wrapping his arms around Scorpius’ waist. The sight of his body holding Scorpius Malfoy like that made James want to be sick again.

“Please stop that,” he begged, clenching his eyes shut. “It’s so wrong.”

“How long’s it been since either of you took your Polyjuice?” Teddy asked, slipping a hesitant arm around James’ shoulders.

“I took it before Care of Magical Creatures because my eyes were getting hazel,” James said, snuggling into the warmth.

“I took it before DADA,” Al called. “Which was a bloody good thing since Dad was there and he would’ve killed me if I transformed back right in front of him.”

“Well, that means it should be wearing off soon for you, James, and yours should be wearing off later, Al,” Teddy kissed James’ forehead briefly. James imagined he was still creeped out by the fact that it looked like he was getting intimate with James’ sixteen year old brother. “As for who wins the fifty galleons, both of you pay up.”

James disentangled himself. “Excuse you?”

“No better way to settle a bet than to pay Teddy,” the boy in question said cheerfully. “I’m your elder. No choice.”

James muttered something distinctly unflattering under his breath, but allowed Teddy to kiss his cheek and pull him into a hug while they waited for him to change back into himself. Put out though he was, he couldn’t wait for that, because, from the look in Teddy’s eyes, they were going to make up for lost time in a very pleasurable way.

*

“Scorpius still isn’t speaking to you?” Rose said in concern. Her cousin was curled into a miserable ball in the grass next to her and hadn’t moved in almost two hours. In fact, ever since he’d returned to his own appearance, he hadn’t done anything but mope around when he bothered to do anything at all.

“Not even a word,” Al said apathetically. “He just keeps gargling with the Scope he nicked from my suitcase and glowering at me every time he sees me. I’ve apologized tons of times.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Rose patted his hair reassuringly. “After all, he was only kissing James for about a second before James threw a fit. That’s no reason for him to-”

“It’s not that,” Al whined. “He’s angry that I let Teddy snog me.”

Rose frowned. “James didn’t tell me that.”

“He’s been trying to forget it, too.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry,” Rose said, catching sight of James marching Scorpius down toward them. “I’m sure that Scorpius will forgive you soon. Really soon, as a matter of fact.”

Al curled himself even tighter. “Yeah, right.”

“Oi,” James called, shoving Scorpius in front of him and kicking Al none too gently in the ribs. “I brought you a present to make up for the fact that my boyfriend stole fifty galleons from each of us.”

Al, who was bent over clutching his ribs, glanced up, eyes widening when he saw Scorpius there. “Scorp!” he wheezed, pushing himself to his feet. “I-what are you-James, what did you-”

Scorpius interrupted him with a kiss that Al felt right down to his toes and he melted into it, wrapping his arms around Scorpius’ neck and pressing himself as close to Scorpius as possible. James was whining about his eyes and Rose was giggling, but Scorpius was grabbing his hips and pulling him closer and Al easily tuned them out in favor of paying attention to the boy sliding his tongue into Al’s mouth.

James cleared his throat obnoxiously and Scorpius squeezed his hips and pulled away, resting their foreheads together. “I’d like to see Teddy Lupin kiss you like that.”

“I wouldn’t,” James snapped.

Al murmured an apology and leaned forward for another kiss, but Scorpius moved away and held Al’s face still. “If you ever let that prat talk you into anything this stupid again-especially if it involves you going off snogging other boys-I’m going to castrate him and never speak to you again.”

“I’d like to see you try,” a pale James said while Al quickly agreed to never let that prat talk him into anything this stupid again. Scorpius wasted no time in kissing him again.

“I still say my life is tougher,” James muttered. “I don’t get to sleep with my boyfriend every night unlike some people.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Shut up, James. Just shut up.”

THE END