The Monsters that Kill the Nightmares - Part IX: August
August
Two weeks Cas had been with them - an amazing two weeks - but there were still things they didn’t know about Cas.
Like what made him tick.
Why he did what he did.
Why he picked them.
They’d have just come right out and asked him but really how were they supposed to go about that? Sam thought they should just ask one day over breakfast or lunch or something. Dean wanted to wait, do it one on one. ‘He’ll talk to me, Sam. You know he will.’
Sam was afraid Dean would end up slitting Cas’s throat.
--
Cas always woke up in bed, buried in the heavy comforter and the tangle of Winchester limbs over him. These two weeks had been the best of his life. He finally had someone to take care of - two someone’s - and someone to take care of him. It was perfect.
Well, it was perfect until the morning he woke up alone. That was a terrifying morning. He woke up to cold air and the sounds of a whispered argument, voices steadily growing louder and more insistent. Arguments were bad. Arguments meant fights, physical violence, and more nightmares if things didn’t exactly go well.
Cas rolled out of bed wrapped in the comforter and shuffled across the room towards the source of the murmuring.
Sam and Dean were sitting at the small kitchen table, voices intense as they argued over… well Cas wasn’t exactly sure yet.
He hid behind the wall listening to Sam practically yelling at Dean.
“We know next to nothing about him, Dean. Yeah he’s sweet and he’s just as fucked up as we are but we don’t know why. We don’t know if we’re gonna wake up with slit throats one morning or something.”
That received a raised eyebrow from Dean.
“Oh come on, you know what I mean.”
“Don’t you think if he wanted to, he would have killed us already, Sam? He’s harmless now. You heard him. He has us now, why would he need to?”
“Because he’s a killer, Dean; killers don’t just stop.”
“We did.” Dean countered quietly.
“That’s because we had each other.”
“And now he has us, too! Why is this so hard for you, Sam?”
“What if I’m not enough - we’re not enough, Dean? We need to know what’s going on with him.”
“You wanna ask him, Sam? What if it’s something horrible? What if he can’t talk about it? You gonna be responsible for the mental breakdown that ensues?”
Cas bit his lip to stifle a sniffle. Dean was trying so hard to defend him but Sam was right; he had to tell somebody. He coughed a little to alert them of his presence and then shuffled into the kitchenette.
“Hey, Cas. Good morning.” Dean instantly relaxed, leaning back in his seat, watching Cas.
“I heard everything, Dean. You don’t have to pretend you weren’t talking about me.”
“Oh…”
“But Sam’s right; I need to - I have to tell you why. You’re very sweet to try and defend me, but I really need to tell someone.” Cas’s eyes stayed locked on the floor as he huddled himself deeper into the blanket.
Dean looked wary of that response. “Cas, are you sure?”
“Yes. I mean, Sam is right. You guys know nothing about me but I know so much about you and it’s not fair. I’ll tell you everything, but you have to be patient with me. It’s not… pretty. Any of it. So bear with me? And don’t look at me like I’m broken when I’m done. I don’t think I could stand that.”
“Yeah, Cas, whatever you want. No pressure though okay, babe?” Dean stretched out a hand to clasp over Cas’s, rub a thumb back and forth over the back of his hand. “Do you wanna… right now?”
“Yes. Before I lose my nerve.”
“Okay, come sit down though, you look like you’re gonna keel over.” Cas sank into the nearest chair, tugged the comforter even tighter around his shoulders. His knuckles were white from how tight his grip around the edge of the fabric was.
“I’ve been on the run from my family for as long as I can remember. When I was little, all I wanted was to grow up, find a good job, find a wife, have a few kids, live happily ever after. That problem with that is it’s really hard to look for happily ever after when your father makes a habit of raping you nightly and your mother does nothing to stop him. I can still remember the way he’d talk to me when he did it. On good nights I was his ‘precious little angel.’ Bad nights left me with bruises on my hips and wrists and school was always hell the next day.
“Eventually my brothers found out about it too and instead of taking my side they joined in on the fun.” Cas was shaking, curling in on himself and Dean didn’t know whether to comfort him or if that would send him into a fit. Sam had no reservations, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly. “I tried -“ he choked, “I tried to keep them away but they always took it in turns and they never had a set schedule and I was too small and weak to do anything and nothing I said or did made it stop. My mom pretended like nothing happened, teachers never bothered to ask about the bruises, and nobody listened to me. Ever. So I ran away, the day after I turned twelve. I just grabbed a bag, emptied their wallets, and left. I wandered around for a few years, mainly avoiding big cities and stuff. Always used a fake name, always watched over my shoulder, always covered my tracks I thought.
“A couple years ago, I almost got caught. One of the clerks at a motel I was staying at paid too much attention to the kids on the milk carton I guess. Cops tried to get me and take me home. I thought it was funny they had even thought to put my face on a milk carton.
“I spent years constantly feeling weak, feeling like a coward for running away instead of trying to take care of it. And then I heard about the murders. Bodies that were piling up faster than imaginable and I liked it. I liked that there were men out there strong enough to take out so many bodies. And they weren’t all hookers and sluts, some of them were people who deserved it and I wanted that - wanted to be a part of that. So I had to find you. And now I have you.” Cas was crying by the end, tears streaking his face in hard lines. “I thought you would protect me. I don’t know why. It was like you had complete freedom and I wanted that too. But I’m still afraid of - of everything, I swear. I don’t like waking up alone and I don’t like being in crowds. I hate killing people but I loved doing it for you. I’m so damaged and I’m just throwing it all on you. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh Cas. C’mere,” Dean practically cooed, pulling Cas to him “It’ll be okay, I gotcha. It’ll all be okay.” Dean rocked Cas in his arms and held him tight.
“How? I’m always going to be looking over my shoulder. I’m always going to be afraid of everything. I tried the last couple weeks, Dean. I tried not to be afraid but I couldn’t. I’m so scared, Dean. I’m so scared.”
“We’ve got you, Cas. It’s gonna be okay. We’ll take care of you. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You found us, right? And you’re ours. Which means we will take care of you always, right? We’ll make the nightmares go away, Cas.”
Sam was slumped against the table, eyes locked on Cas, horror apparent in his expression. Dean caught Sam’s gaze and silently pleaded with him to help. There was only one way to make the nightmares go away.
They had to kill them.