PINCH HIT!!! Fic: All That Glitters Is Not Gold for a_kindara
Title: All That Glitters Is Not Gold
Author: monifieth
Giftee: a_kindara
Rating: PG15 (one use of the "f" word, and somewhat graphic
violence)
Word Count(for fic): 1493 words
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Sirius. (alludes to
James/Lily and Sirius/unnamed female; I'm sorry, the het kind of
slipped in. It's only one or two phrases though!).
Warnings: self-injury
Author's Notes: I know they only had to write a homework essay
on the Chinese chomping cabbage in 5th year, but I'm taking the
'creative liberty' of making them then make something using the
ingredient in 6th year.
I hope I haven't butchered the prompt too much, sorry. (terrible pun
not intentional :/)
Many many thanks to my fantastic friend for the huge amounts of
hand-holding through the last stages of this.
Summary: Remus wants someone he can't have. That's not the
problem; it's how he deals with it that is.
It had been an accident. Potions class. Remus had been meticulously chopping his Chinese chomping cabbage, sat as usual at the desk behind the one James and Sirius shared. He'd seen James' hand snake down to what he sincerely hoped was the other boy's thigh, and, his attention diverted as he stared at the blush spreading rapidly across Sirius' cheeks and neck, the knife had slipped and stabbed into the palm of his hand. Blood had dripped onto his cabbage, rendering the ingredient useless.
"Do be more careful, Lupin," he'd heard a stern voice from behind him say, and he'd coloured as he'd muttered "yes sir, sorry," in response.
When the professor had moved on, James had turned and given an exaggerated wink.
"Moony, you old pervert! I never knew you cared!" he'd laughed. Sirius had laughed too; Remus had glared at them both and stalked off to fetch new cabbage leaves, angry at James for humiliating him. And, though he was loathe to admit it, he knew now (in all honesty he'd known then, too, but he was too proud to admit it) that it was only because it had been in front of Sirius that he'd reacted that way. Any similar joke in the common room would have been met with a laugh, perhaps a playful punch or hex, as long as Sirius wasn't there. Remus was well aware the 'Sirius Situation', as he'd taken to calling it in his head, was getting out of hand, yet he had no idea what to do about it.
When he'd not completed the potion by the end of the lesson and had been asked to return one evening and start over, he'd not spoken to the pair of them for days. Even Peter had been concerned, sidling up to Remus in the common room or peeking around the drawn curtains of his bed to say things like "they're sorry, Moony… why are you acting like this? It was just a bit of fun! Come talk to us?", only stopping his daily appearances when Remus' already tightly stretched patience had snapped and he'd told him to fuck off.
The wound on his hand had healed surprisingly quickly, considering the amount of times Remus had poked and picked it at, resorting to pulling the two sides newly apart on occasion to try and stop the natural process of repair. It was the little pang of... something he felt when the cut had vanished to a barely visible line on the skin that irritated him most. Loss? He couldn't pin it down, couldn't find the right word to describe the sensation. All he knew for sure was that it wasn't pleasant, and he hoped if he ignored it, it would go away.
It never did.
~
Remus had rejoined the group later, taking his place with the three of them at breakfast without ceremony, and the half concealed relief in James' eyes was almost enough to make him regret his previously righteous anger.
"We were starting to get scared about you, mate," James had said quietly. "I didn't mean anything by it, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it," he'd managed to get out. Sirius looked genuinely concerned, and the shadow in his eyes as he'd looked at Remus had made the words stick in his throat. Pumpkin juice was all he'd managed to get inside him; everything else had made him nauseous. His left hand he'd left under the table, worrying the mark where the injury had been on the edge of his seat. It was a habit he'd developed over the past week, and he thought nothing of it as the merry chatter washed over him. He was finding it difficult to follow the conversation, but that didn’t concern him either. It was much more fun to sit and listen to the different voices, picking out ones that were familiar from the rest of the noises. Strands of various chats assaulted his ears;
"…going to win this season!"
"…and I told him and he said he..."
"…was so hard, I know, I bet we all failed…"
"Look what I've…"
"…but my Dad says that we…"
until it was all one muddle of incoherence.
It was at that point he'd decided it was beyond any man's capabilities to be sat opposite Sirius Black and be able to concentrate on anything other than him.
Sirius stretched languidly, arms raised above his head. The bottom of his shirt came loose from the waistband of his trousers, exposing a band of lower stomach an inch wide. As Remus was trying hard not to look, James made some joke and Sirius laughed his deep, velvety chuckle. Remus' eyes snapped up from their determined study of the table in time to see a grin taking over Sirus' features, eyes half closed. The speed of Remus' breathing rapidly increased as he watched the easy fluidity to all of Sirius' gestures; even the way he reached for his glass was attractive, it seemed.
James' hand reached out and ruffled Sirius' dark hair. Remus made some half baked excuse about needing to prepare for lessons and fled the hall, breaking into a run when he heard the dull thud of the doors closing behind him.
In the dormitory, he reached into his Potions kit and removed the knife.
Steadying his breathing, he looked at his reflection in the shiny surface of the blade as it glittered almost prettily in the candlelight, and began.
~
James and Sirius' arrangement degenerated some time after Christmas, with both of them deciding they had other priorities, putting all of their previous activities down to teenage experimentation. James had his eye on Lily Evans, a bright, pretty girl in their year, and Sirius… well, Sirius' interest would fall on whoever was in front of him at the time. However, Remus and Peter were under the impression he was pursuing a Ravenclaw girl with considerably more enthusiasm than the others girls he had wrapped around his finger, and Peter at least took delight in teasing him mercilessly about it. Remus joined in with the taunting half heartedly; he'd hoped that the break up with James would give him a chance of his own. The 'Sirius Situation', already difficult earlier in the year, was now unbearable.
It hadn't gone unnoticed that Remus was around them less often, either, with him apparently spending yet more time in the library. If asked, he'd describe a rigid revision timetable, and though the other three weren't as bothered by the exams ("Oh come on, Moony, it's not like these are our N.E.W.T.s!") they did, eventually, leave him alone. In truth, he was in the Prefect's bathroom the majority of the time, book perched on his knees as he leaned against the wall listening to Myrtle's moans through the pipes. When he tried to read the words swam, darting around like tiny fish in a papery sea, impossible to pin down in any recognisable combination. Occasionally Myrtle would come up to pester him, but she'd soon leave when he ignored her. Throwing a book at her helped quicken her departure but Remus felt that was close to sacrilege and as such he only used Hogwarts: A History as a make-shift projectile. Even so, it made him uncomfortable.
Most of the time there he spent thinking.
No matter how many times he told himself it was pointless to still want Sirius, the desire wouldn't go away. He would put down the book and take off his robe, his tie. Usually he'd undo his cuffs and roll the thin cotton up past his elbows. It was comforting to him, in a twisted way, to see the marks on his arms, to see the aging scars next to newer, angry, red lines. In observing the marks, he could track his thoughts, almost; the thinner, smaller lines were the oldest and faded, next to some of the more recent, deeper, cuts, they were barely scratches. The growing sense of despair was apparent, too: initially, every injury was deliberate- all aligned perfectly parallel, not the haphazard jagged patterns made in the clearer red.
Remus spent long hours sat on the cold tiled floor berating himself, pointing out the reasons why someone like Sirius wouldn't ever find him attractive. He talked aloud; having once said,
"If I'm going to go crazy, I may as well go all the way."
Not caring for his sanity, and caring for Sirius too much, he resigned himself to picking up the knife once more.
~
Later, he'd sigh. It was routine from then onwards: clean himself, roll down his sleeves, put back on his tie and robes and pick up his books. If Myrtle was there he'd say goodbye (he'd long ago stopped caring that she'd see what he was doing).
And then he'd return to the dormitory, and everything would be okay until tomorrow.
Isn't love supposed to feel good?
Please remember to leave your feedback at the authro's journal here.
Author: monifieth
Giftee: a_kindara
Rating: PG15 (one use of the "f" word, and somewhat graphic
violence)
Word Count(for fic): 1493 words
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Sirius. (alludes to
James/Lily and Sirius/unnamed female; I'm sorry, the het kind of
slipped in. It's only one or two phrases though!).
Warnings: self-injury
Author's Notes: I know they only had to write a homework essay
on the Chinese chomping cabbage in 5th year, but I'm taking the
'creative liberty' of making them then make something using the
ingredient in 6th year.
I hope I haven't butchered the prompt too much, sorry. (terrible pun
not intentional :/)
Many many thanks to my fantastic friend for the huge amounts of
hand-holding through the last stages of this.
Summary: Remus wants someone he can't have. That's not the
problem; it's how he deals with it that is.
It had been an accident. Potions class. Remus had been meticulously chopping his Chinese chomping cabbage, sat as usual at the desk behind the one James and Sirius shared. He'd seen James' hand snake down to what he sincerely hoped was the other boy's thigh, and, his attention diverted as he stared at the blush spreading rapidly across Sirius' cheeks and neck, the knife had slipped and stabbed into the palm of his hand. Blood had dripped onto his cabbage, rendering the ingredient useless.
"Do be more careful, Lupin," he'd heard a stern voice from behind him say, and he'd coloured as he'd muttered "yes sir, sorry," in response.
When the professor had moved on, James had turned and given an exaggerated wink.
"Moony, you old pervert! I never knew you cared!" he'd laughed. Sirius had laughed too; Remus had glared at them both and stalked off to fetch new cabbage leaves, angry at James for humiliating him. And, though he was loathe to admit it, he knew now (in all honesty he'd known then, too, but he was too proud to admit it) that it was only because it had been in front of Sirius that he'd reacted that way. Any similar joke in the common room would have been met with a laugh, perhaps a playful punch or hex, as long as Sirius wasn't there. Remus was well aware the 'Sirius Situation', as he'd taken to calling it in his head, was getting out of hand, yet he had no idea what to do about it.
When he'd not completed the potion by the end of the lesson and had been asked to return one evening and start over, he'd not spoken to the pair of them for days. Even Peter had been concerned, sidling up to Remus in the common room or peeking around the drawn curtains of his bed to say things like "they're sorry, Moony… why are you acting like this? It was just a bit of fun! Come talk to us?", only stopping his daily appearances when Remus' already tightly stretched patience had snapped and he'd told him to fuck off.
The wound on his hand had healed surprisingly quickly, considering the amount of times Remus had poked and picked it at, resorting to pulling the two sides newly apart on occasion to try and stop the natural process of repair. It was the little pang of... something he felt when the cut had vanished to a barely visible line on the skin that irritated him most. Loss? He couldn't pin it down, couldn't find the right word to describe the sensation. All he knew for sure was that it wasn't pleasant, and he hoped if he ignored it, it would go away.
It never did.
~
Remus had rejoined the group later, taking his place with the three of them at breakfast without ceremony, and the half concealed relief in James' eyes was almost enough to make him regret his previously righteous anger.
"We were starting to get scared about you, mate," James had said quietly. "I didn't mean anything by it, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it," he'd managed to get out. Sirius looked genuinely concerned, and the shadow in his eyes as he'd looked at Remus had made the words stick in his throat. Pumpkin juice was all he'd managed to get inside him; everything else had made him nauseous. His left hand he'd left under the table, worrying the mark where the injury had been on the edge of his seat. It was a habit he'd developed over the past week, and he thought nothing of it as the merry chatter washed over him. He was finding it difficult to follow the conversation, but that didn’t concern him either. It was much more fun to sit and listen to the different voices, picking out ones that were familiar from the rest of the noises. Strands of various chats assaulted his ears;
"…going to win this season!"
"…and I told him and he said he..."
"…was so hard, I know, I bet we all failed…"
"Look what I've…"
"…but my Dad says that we…"
until it was all one muddle of incoherence.
It was at that point he'd decided it was beyond any man's capabilities to be sat opposite Sirius Black and be able to concentrate on anything other than him.
Sirius stretched languidly, arms raised above his head. The bottom of his shirt came loose from the waistband of his trousers, exposing a band of lower stomach an inch wide. As Remus was trying hard not to look, James made some joke and Sirius laughed his deep, velvety chuckle. Remus' eyes snapped up from their determined study of the table in time to see a grin taking over Sirus' features, eyes half closed. The speed of Remus' breathing rapidly increased as he watched the easy fluidity to all of Sirius' gestures; even the way he reached for his glass was attractive, it seemed.
James' hand reached out and ruffled Sirius' dark hair. Remus made some half baked excuse about needing to prepare for lessons and fled the hall, breaking into a run when he heard the dull thud of the doors closing behind him.
In the dormitory, he reached into his Potions kit and removed the knife.
Steadying his breathing, he looked at his reflection in the shiny surface of the blade as it glittered almost prettily in the candlelight, and began.
~
James and Sirius' arrangement degenerated some time after Christmas, with both of them deciding they had other priorities, putting all of their previous activities down to teenage experimentation. James had his eye on Lily Evans, a bright, pretty girl in their year, and Sirius… well, Sirius' interest would fall on whoever was in front of him at the time. However, Remus and Peter were under the impression he was pursuing a Ravenclaw girl with considerably more enthusiasm than the others girls he had wrapped around his finger, and Peter at least took delight in teasing him mercilessly about it. Remus joined in with the taunting half heartedly; he'd hoped that the break up with James would give him a chance of his own. The 'Sirius Situation', already difficult earlier in the year, was now unbearable.
It hadn't gone unnoticed that Remus was around them less often, either, with him apparently spending yet more time in the library. If asked, he'd describe a rigid revision timetable, and though the other three weren't as bothered by the exams ("Oh come on, Moony, it's not like these are our N.E.W.T.s!") they did, eventually, leave him alone. In truth, he was in the Prefect's bathroom the majority of the time, book perched on his knees as he leaned against the wall listening to Myrtle's moans through the pipes. When he tried to read the words swam, darting around like tiny fish in a papery sea, impossible to pin down in any recognisable combination. Occasionally Myrtle would come up to pester him, but she'd soon leave when he ignored her. Throwing a book at her helped quicken her departure but Remus felt that was close to sacrilege and as such he only used Hogwarts: A History as a make-shift projectile. Even so, it made him uncomfortable.
Most of the time there he spent thinking.
No matter how many times he told himself it was pointless to still want Sirius, the desire wouldn't go away. He would put down the book and take off his robe, his tie. Usually he'd undo his cuffs and roll the thin cotton up past his elbows. It was comforting to him, in a twisted way, to see the marks on his arms, to see the aging scars next to newer, angry, red lines. In observing the marks, he could track his thoughts, almost; the thinner, smaller lines were the oldest and faded, next to some of the more recent, deeper, cuts, they were barely scratches. The growing sense of despair was apparent, too: initially, every injury was deliberate- all aligned perfectly parallel, not the haphazard jagged patterns made in the clearer red.
Remus spent long hours sat on the cold tiled floor berating himself, pointing out the reasons why someone like Sirius wouldn't ever find him attractive. He talked aloud; having once said,
"If I'm going to go crazy, I may as well go all the way."
Not caring for his sanity, and caring for Sirius too much, he resigned himself to picking up the knife once more.
~
Later, he'd sigh. It was routine from then onwards: clean himself, roll down his sleeves, put back on his tie and robes and pick up his books. If Myrtle was there he'd say goodbye (he'd long ago stopped caring that she'd see what he was doing).
And then he'd return to the dormitory, and everything would be okay until tomorrow.
Isn't love supposed to feel good?
Please remember to leave your feedback at the authro's journal here.