Athazagoraphobic
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Thats it! I FINALLY figured out whats wrong with me! I was talking to faithy, and it hit me,its a fear of mine, and so I looked it up and thats EXACTLY it. When my dad had his stroke I was so upset that he forgot me that I had trouble breathing. When my friends left to find me and I couldn't find them at First Friday I started crying and hyperventilating. When my mom didn't get the message to pick me up in the teachers parking lot, I started crying and I felt alone and empty. Same thing started happening Sunday when I didn't hear from Ajay and today when he was late and I didn't know what was going on. I'm scared. And when I get scared I get super depressed to the point I have trouble breathing and I start crying, I feel empty and everything is dark and black. I don't know why I have this fear though, but I'm glad I finally figured it out. So, If I get really depressed and I'm talking to you.. just remind me that I'm not forgotten and that whoever was "ignoring" or "forgot" me... just.. talk me outta it.
Ajay I'm sorry I got you concerened earlier, I was just upset cause things in my family haven't been going so well. *sighs* Dad got really pissed off at Aaron this morning, cause he locked himself in his room and wouldnt' get out, so Dad kicked in his door, so now mom has to replace the door cause it has a humungous dent in it. I spent the afternoon trying to do stuff that'd be easiest for my dad. I watched my baby cousin and my brother, I made dinner, cut dad's food, put the butter on it and everything and I was thanked.. but that was it. Mom was too busy being a bitch cause she had a migraine, so she and dad kept arguing over stupid shit, and I just felt that no one in my household really noticed I was there. Then I thought you were ignoring me, and that didn't help anything. Te quiero. I hope you understand and that I didn't cause you any grief. I love you so much, and I don't know what I'd do without you. Yo quiero estar con tu por siempre. Mi amor.. I love you.. so very much and I don't know how I could ever describe it in words. You bring me to tears when I think how lucky I am. Never did I think I would feel this way. Never did I think would anyone feel the way you do towards me. I hope it never ends. Te quiero con me corazon.
I love all my friends and sorry if I've concerned any of you lately, my stress has just made me a little more paranoid than usual, cause I've felt that no one really remembers I exist and I'm stuck doing everything and I only exist when its convenient for everyone else, which I know isn't true, but I wasn't thinking. I love you all. Sayonara.