(no subject)
I really don't understand what's going on in my head right now.
It's sad that I don't know what I want to do when I graduate. I don't really want to work in a desk in a cubicle in an office. Haha. Maybe it IS a blessing that I'm still studying... Because I may have jumped the gun in wanting to take culinary arts in China.
Somehow, I'm sad. Because I don't know what makes me happy. Honestly, I don't think it's drugs, sex, or even rock and roll. This thought reminds me of Theology class and that God and even the imperfect and incomplete manifestation or belief of Him in this life is the happiest a man can get. But damn. Where do I start? I'm lost. Who do I talk to?
I'm not the holiest of people. I never was, and I don't think I ever will be... too much human effort... effort I'd rather be directing on having fun in this 21 year old body of mine.
So I'm lost. Where do I go? Friends are great. That's why I'm typing now and going to post this to the public. But what then? Friends can only go so far. I'm too young for unconditional love, and too old to not think about it. So I think I'm screwed.
I love my friends, to the end, 'till death do us part; now what? I have fun and see them everyday. To break the monotony of Grilla, Bel-air, the Fort, Rockwell, and wherever else, I like going out of town to Tagaytay, Tarlac even. But like the map at the back of my hand, I'm still lost.
Am I passionate about something? Anything? I'd be bragging if I said music, but is it my passion? Deep down inside, it doesn't seem like it. It sure as hell isn't sports. It isn't God, or computer games, or reading or writing. Wow, now I'm really at a loss. No passion? How pathetic is that?
No, I'm not suicidal. I thank God for giving me enough sense for hope. My only hope is you, and in the things we can do, in the life we can create, in the highs and lows of sharing something that I know will all be worth it in the end. But where are you now? I don't even know you...And like I said, I'm too young for that. But of course I'll wait; as if I have a choice.
But no, I don't really know what I'm looking for. Might very possibly be God. Or might just be this human love I'm too young for.
I ask: Do you love the life you're living? Because it does get very sad sometimes...oftentimes for some, most of the time for even less people, I'd like to think.
At this moment, I feel that nothing can hurt me, no words nor actions, but at the same time, nothing can make me happy as well. Not that I'm rock bottom, at the saddest state I can ever be. I think I'm just smack in the middle of the mood meter...the only difference being everything above and below the middle line isn't black or white, good or bad, happy or sad, they're just...the same as everything else.
I wonder what's gonna make me happy... Yup, I can't wait.