Acts of Contrition (19/20)
The Cerberus is cold and quiet. Junsu walks through the corridors like a ghost, eyes rimmed with red, back and limbs aching. They've lost one set of hunters for a shipful of them, except they're supposed to be safe here. Or so Yoochun said. Trust a rebel? Well, why not? He let him kiss him and do so much more...
Why are they back here? It isn't safe. Jiexi has been welcoming, warm and strangely, she doesn't seem to bear them any ill will for the broken window or the escape. She's the Empress. Does that change anything? No. They're just in bigger danger now than ever. They've not only run away to join the rebels, they've run straight into Her web, her grasp.
From everything the Guard has to say about her, though, Junsu never would have guessed the Captain who slapped him and the Tyrant's heir were one and the same person. For one, she was supposed to be younger than she looks.
The thoughts aren't going very far to calm the anxiety that still rushes in his veins, the knots that still tie up his stomach. Neither are the muffled sounds coming from one of the rooms, and like a coward, Junsu turns tail and escapes the way he's come. He doesn't want to know, or see any more than he already has. There's a hole in his chest, like the one in Jaejoong's abdomen. He'd like to have someone to blame for his pain. He doesn't.
Turning tail again as he nears the infirmary, he shamefully knocks his fist on the room he just left. Yunho and Changmin are within and he could use seeing a friendly face.
Changmin looks up at the knock on the door, wiping his eyes hurriedly. It's been years since he's let himself cry openly, longer still since he's let anyone see him. He intends to keep it that way. Which is why he's here, alone, rather than with Yunho and looking over Jaejoong. The man just looks too damn small and breakable in that bed and he can't deal with all this. Can't deal with yet another former enemy turning into an ally and fleetingly, he thinks this is why they were all considered so fucking dangerous.
"Come in," he calls, unfolding his legs and running his fingers through his hair.
The room is too quiet; Junsu half expected to see his friends intertwined on the bed, but whatever slight relief he feels at being spared that inexplicable ache fades when he sees Changmin's expression in the half-dark.
"Hey, how..." Stupid thing to ask, how are you. "Where's Yunho?" he asks instead, hesitating before he sits down on the cot. There are no fond memories of being locked in on the Cerberus, but at least this time he's with people who love him. People he's sure love him, in their own way.
"With Jaejoong," he replies, rubbing his hands on the knees of his trousers. "Yoochun's a wreck. I just had to sit it out for a while." Looking at the other man, Changmin gives him a soft smile, reaching up to brush a thumb over Junsu's cheek. "You look terrible."
"I'm fine," Junsu sighs, rubbing two fingers over his eyes, smirking when he meets Changmin's.
"It's been a long few days," he adds after a pause. "Really long." Understatement of the century.
Changmin shakes his head, feeling the knot in his stomach loosen slightly just by virtue of Junsu's presence. It's why the other man had always been so popular in their squadron, the calming aura he projects. It's also why it's sometimes easy to forget that Junsu is hurting just as bad as the rest of them.
He pushes the other man back on the cot, crossing his arms and resting them on Junsu's chest, looking down at him.
"When was the last time you slept, Kim?"
Junsu pretends to consider it for a moment, tries not to show his unease when Changmin lies over him. They're kids, they used to do this after missions, the same way they'd wrestle each other. It doesn't mean anything more now that they've slept with the same man.
"The night before you crashed your craft on Elysia, probably," he shrugs, toying with a strand of Changmin's hair. Does he know? Did Yunho tell him? Did the others? He swallows away his doubts, ashamed that he's being so selfish when Jaejoong's hurting.
"Idiot," Changmin mumbles softly, something twisting in his chest. "You shouldn't have been losing sleep over the dead. Especially now that you know I'm not."
A sigh.
"How can we take care of you if you don't let us know this shit?"
"You haven't got time to take care of me," he points out, regretting the words because they sound vindictive and selfish even to his own ears. He doesn't blame Changmin or any of them. You can't force people to fall in love with you.
"I'm okay. Seriously, Jaejoong's the one you should be worrying about."
"I am worried about him,. Of course I am." Changmin says with a frown, shaking his head. "But he's awake and recovering and has Yunho and Yoochun in there worrying themselves sick." He pinches Junsu's shoulder, hard. "I'm worried about you. You're not okay."
Junsu slaps his hand away, but not before uttering a very pointed "Ow!". It's only in jest; after all they've endured, he can withstand just about anything. "Drop it, Changmin, I'm fine," he warns, waving a finger in front of the other's eyes. "Just worn out. Aren't you?"
Junsu is turning it around again and frustration courses through the younger man. They're not like Jaejoong and Yoochun, he can't read his mind. Sighing, he ducks his head against Junsu's chest.
"Yes. I am. We both need sleep."
Junsu nods before he realizes that falling asleep here might piss Yunho off. After all that has happened, he can't bring himself to just let their former captain deal with it.
"Think I'm going to find my own bed, not enough room here," he nods, pulling away from Changmin's touch. He doesn't know if the other man has forgotten their days at the Academy. Part of him hopes so.
Changmin looks up, startled as Junsu tries to retreat, grabbing a hold of his arm to keep him in place. "Shut up, there's plenty of room. Lie back down."
After all that's happened, none of them should be alone. If the med ward would've allowed it, he’s sure they all would've set up camp in Jaejoong's room, just to keep an eye on one another, remind each other that they’re still here.
Junsu can't think of an excuse quickly enough and Changmin's starting to take after Yunho. His voice and arm are equally strong and soon he's got Junsu pressed back against the cot, expression much too earnest in the dark. And Junsu knew it would happen like this, knew he'd be eaten away by guilt like a cancer.
"I've got to tell you something," he confesses, biting his lip, apprehension gnawing on tired nerves.
Changmin lies back over the other man, keeping him bodily pinned to the cot, discouraging any further escape attempts Junsu gets into his head. "What?"" he asks quietly, not sure he even wants to know if it has Junsu looking like that.
It doesn't help that Changmin's perfectly poised to break his nose from where he's sitting and while Junsu doesn't quite think they'll get to that, he still worries.
"I... when you were gone, Yunho and I... we..." His eyes will Changmin to understand if not forgive. "I didn't mean to come between anything you two had. I mean... I knew--know he and you have a..." A what? He's fumbling for words, finally giving up; giving himself up to Changmin's verdict.
For a moment, he simply stares at Junsu, as if the words were in another language. "You...what?" he chokes, pulling away, stumbling off the cot. Anger spikes in him like a white-hot flame. "You and he...you think I'm dead and the first thing you do is fuck my lover?"
Junsu scrambles to sit up, resisting the urge to pull his knees to his chin. He's not a little boy, he's a fucking soldier. He knew what he was doing. "I'm sorry! We... there were smugglers and we were running and he just... he didn't know what he was doing." The excuse is weak, but it holds true for Yunho. Not so much for Junsu.
"But you did," Changmin grits between his teeth. "You knew. You...and God, he won't even look at me and then...you...you asshole!"
Changmin's words sting like a laser on his skin, just as painful, just as sharp. Junsu stands, turning away from him. "I didn't. We didn't think." --Yunho's lips trace pattern on his skin, biting into his shoulder as he shudders. Broken breaths and stilted, stuttered syllables that sound suspiciously like the name of dead man ghost over his skin...-- "One time. That's it. That's all it was."
Jaw tight, his fingers are curled into fists, wanting to hit the other man so, so fucking badly. "So that's it? You and him? Just like that."
Junsu bites his tongue. This can't matter. On the Acheron, it didn't. Yunho and Changmin. Yunho and… others. Why do some rules apply to him but not his captain? This can't matter with Jaejoong just recovering from a plasma wound in a foreign bed, on a foreign ship.
This can't matter when Junsu was never happier than when they found Changmin alive.
"It doesn't mean anything, alright?" he snaps, hurt, defeated. "I know he was screwing me and thinking about you!"
"Don't lie to me, Junsu. It's Yunho," Changmin chokes, slamming his fist into the wall because he doesn't want to hit Junsu, not really, has never hit him but... "Gods, I just...Jaejoong? Yoochun?" He shakes his head, laughing without mirth. "Am I that fucking replaceable?"
"Don't! Don't throw that in my face." With Jaejoong, with Yoochun, it was different. His choices were limited then, as they are now. "What do you want from me? I did it. I had to own up to it. We found you... Yunho has you and it's over." A harsh laugh. "Just like on the Acheron, remember?"
"Are you in love with him?" Changmin asks heatedly. "Are you? Have you been this whole time?"
Junsu raises wide eyes to meet Changmin's expression. "How can you ask me that?" A shake of the head, a sharp intake of breath. "Not with him, you fuck."
There is a startled silence between them. Changmin slides down the wall to sit, splay-legged, pressing his hands hard over his eyes, the last bit of anger and adrenaline stolen from his form at the words, strength leaving his body. Leaving exhaustion in its place. He looks up at Junsu helplessly.
"You...but...you never said anything to me. Ever."
"Fuck off. You were my best friend," Junsu chokes, not daring to think that's still the case. "And you were in the captain's bunk half the time." He shrugs. "Seemed like a done deal."
Changmin exhales slowly, taking in Junsu's shining eyes. "I was in yours first."
"Like you've thought of that at all since the Academy." It's meant without malice, without the bitterness that flows with every word, but Junsu can't help himself. Changmin moved on, became a better pilot, a better soldier. Junsu was never jealous, until now.
Guilt twists Changmin’s stomach. Because in a way, it's true. He never thought their furtive, inexperienced touches were anything more than they were. Than what any of the other students did. But in another...Junsu has been his best friend, closer than anyone. And even if he hasn't dwelled...he hasn't forgotten.
Pushing himself to his feet, he crosses the room to the shorter man, looking at him for a long moment. "Then remind me. Kiss me."
Gods, that's fucking cruel and Junsu doesn't know how to deal with Changmin this intense, has never seen him act anything remotely like this out of the cockpit and for a moment, Junsu just wants to run out, vent himself into space and disappear completely. But he's not a child. He's a man.
Grabbing Changmin's shirt in his fists, he obeys. Their lips meet harshly, connecting with an obscene sound and too much teeth. It's not right, it's not like it used to be, but he's missed it so much. He's missed Changmin...
"Fuck you," he grits out, torn between laughing and sobbing and wondering when he exactly he lost control so completely. Then again, no sane man would carry a torch for five years, not when he knows it's unrequited and there's no way that's going to change.
"Do you want to?" Changmin asks without thinking, grabbing Junsu's arms when it looks like the man will either strike him or pull away. "I don't...I didn't say it to hurt you, Su, I swear, I just..."
He swallows hard, leaning down to bring their mouths together once again, trying to kiss him like he used to all those years ago. He tastes the sweet that is his best friend and the anger slips from him, not to return, still dizzy with the knowledge and sick with the guilt of never noticing.
Changmin gives a soft, nearly silent moan and it's all Junsu can do not to wrap himself around the younger pilot and never let go. Fate is a whore for doing this to him, but Changmin is alive and safe and Yunho has found him. It's better than Junsu could've hoped the day he left the Acheron. There are no regrets in this tender kiss, no whispers of things he should've done. Not anymore.
When he draws back, he's surprised to find himself breathless with the memory of Changmin's hands on him in the dark of their room at the Academy. It's as vivid now as it ever was.
"Thanks..." They've never been awkward and they won't start now, but it's all he can think of to say and it seems oddly appropriate. Thanks for being alive. Thanks for this.
Changmin slides his arms around his waist. "I do love you, Su-ah," he murmurs. And he does. So many things about him, down to the newly discovered knowledge that Junsu has to stand on his toes to kiss him.
Junsu quirks a half smile, breath-catching at the sound of Changmin's voice. "Good," he murmurs.
Do you think Yunho loves me? It's on the tip of his tongue to ask, but he's not heartless. He swallows it back, tightening his hold on Junsu. "Am I going to get you to sleep?"
A tentative nod, not because he's tired but because he feels drained. So completely drained.
"Yunho..." Won't like it.
"Needs to get his head out of his ass," Changmin mutters, feeling his stomach clench. "Please. I'm upset and you're upset and we're both tired and worried and just...please, Su-ah. Let me take care of you a little."
Temptation is so easy to give in to, especially when it's whispered so sweetly from Changmin's lips.
With a nod, Junsu relents. He doesn't need taking care of, he wants to say, but the words die in his throat. Changmin's hands are rough against his own and he's reminded of the burnt skin on Yunho's palms after they stole the speeder. It's impossible to confuse them, or the mattress of Changmin's cot for the rough forest floor. Such clarity is irrelevant when it comes to his thoughts, to the ache in the pit of his stomach.
Changmin crouches on the floor beside the cot, looking at the other man for a long moment, hands on Junsu's knees. Pressing a soft kiss to one, he undoes the laces of Junsu's boots, tugging them off and lining them up next to his own at the end of the cot. Pushing the other man back, he lays beside him, resuming their former position, once perfected after countless nights in barracks and bunks, listening to each other whisper and muffling laughter in one another's shoulders.
Their gazes, their lips level once more, Junsu manages another weak smile. "So, you're not going to punch me in the mouth?"
"Thought about it for a minute before taking it out on the wall," he admits, sighing. "Kind of hypocritical, though, isn't it?"
"I'd understand," Junsu shrugs.
Changmin ducks his chin against the other man's chest, kissing softly over his heart. "Do you want it to happen again? With you and him?"
"No, of course not," Junsu answers without missing a beat, frowning that Changmin would tease him like this. "Everything's different now. You're with Yunho and... and all's right with the world."
"I'm with Yunho and Jaejoong's with Yoochun, and where are you, Junsu?" he asks, annoyance tinging his words. That can't be right. Not after everything, for Junsu to what...step aside? Cut his losses? It sparks anger in Changmin's stomach. Frustration.
Junsu almost cowers, burrowing deeper into the flimsy cot. Nothing has to change, not as far as he's concerned. "I'm fine on my own, Changmin. Always have been, remember?"
It's the wrong answer and fuck if Changmin knows what the right one is. But Junsu alone is not part of it. Not at all.
"No," he says simply, glaring down at Junsu. "No."
"You don't get to play the martyr," Junsu shoots back, shaking his head. "I want you to be happy. That's good enough." It should be, after coming so close to losing him; to losing Jaejoong.
"Neither do you," he argues, pushing himself up on his elbows. "This...there has to be a way for it to work. Where no one loses." Changmin clenches his teeth in frustration, leaning in and pressing their mouths together. "You're my best friend," he hisses, drawing back. "I love you. You're not alone and you're not going to be." He meets the other man's eyes, brushing hair out of his face. "Shut up and kiss me."
And Junsu does. Slowly, at first, because he's far less sure than his friend seems to be, then, gradually, relaxing. He knows Changmin, knows him more intimately than most friends know each other, but it's been years since the Academy and neither of them is so young anymore.
"Are you sure about this?" he asks, when they break apart to breathe.
Changmin sighs, pressing their foreheads together. He's not sure. All of this...it seems like wanting too much. Selfish. Greedy. But he does. He can't help himself. And Junsu...Junsu will try to talk him out of it and stall until he takes his last breath, because he's so damn afraid of hurting someone. It's a quality of the other man that he loves, but at times like these, it can be really fucking unhelpful.
So he does what he always does when it comes to Junsu: out-right manipulation.
"Do you not want me?" he breathes, pressing a kiss to the other's jaw.
"I do," Junsu responds, tangling his fingers in soft hair and tugging. "You know I do." He strengthens the statement by shifting slightly against Changmin's hip--if that's not evidence of how he wants him then nothing is. "But, the three of us..." It's hard to form a full sentence with Changmin's eyes boring into his, so he just shrugs, sighs and gives in. "What about Yunho?" he whispers, leaning his forehead against Changmin's.
"If he gets a damn clue, well," Changmin murmurs, resting a hand on Junsu's hip. "We'll make room."
And suddenly it's that easy, in his mind. No claims are laid. Junsu's as much his as he is Yunho's, as Jaejoong and Yoochun are both of theirs. There's enough of him for all of them, he's sure there is.
Junsu stares back. Changmin means to share him. Share himself. It's insane and preposterous and only a few weeks ago he couldn't have believed their captain could go along with it. Now... now, he doesn't know anymore. Doesn't know who he is. What he is.
"Being away from the fleet has changed you," he notes, grinning. "You've gotten bossy."
A snort, a kiss to the corner of his mouth, the foreignness of the action fading with each repetition.
"Yeah, well. I've always known best. The lot of you stifled my brilliance."
Another kiss, softer this time, the barest brushing of lips.
"It sounds crazy. But...it doesn't have to be."
Junsu's kiss to his temple is answer enough. It's affection, unhindered by Guard regs or superior officers. When Yunho returns - and he will return - he'll understand. Junsu knows this in his gut. Trust and loyalty mingled with affection spell it out.
"No wonder Yunho lost it completely when you went down."
Something twists inside Changmin's chest, meeting the other man's eyes. He can't think about that. About Yunho. Not right now. He can still feel the sting of the other man's words, no matter how much Junsu insists otherwise.
"You came after me," he murmurs, covering Junsu's hand on his chest. "Both of you. You didn't even know I was alive and you left everything. How could I even deserve that kind of love?"
"You deserve so much more," Junsu grins, licking his lips before he can press them against Changmin's. "Besides, I only came back so I could do that. Completely selfish." It's more cheerful than the truth. Giving everything up for a dead body, like Changmin said, is not a reasonable excuse. Screw reasonable.
"Be serious," Changmin complains with a smile, pressing his lips to Junsu's ears. "I should be...I don't know. Be wonderful so you don't regret it."
"No wonder we love you," Junsu smiles, shaking his head. "You always have to carry the world on your shoulders." It's not a complaint, not by far. He smiles into his hair. "I'll help."
Why are they back here? It isn't safe. Jiexi has been welcoming, warm and strangely, she doesn't seem to bear them any ill will for the broken window or the escape. She's the Empress. Does that change anything? No. They're just in bigger danger now than ever. They've not only run away to join the rebels, they've run straight into Her web, her grasp.
From everything the Guard has to say about her, though, Junsu never would have guessed the Captain who slapped him and the Tyrant's heir were one and the same person. For one, she was supposed to be younger than she looks.
The thoughts aren't going very far to calm the anxiety that still rushes in his veins, the knots that still tie up his stomach. Neither are the muffled sounds coming from one of the rooms, and like a coward, Junsu turns tail and escapes the way he's come. He doesn't want to know, or see any more than he already has. There's a hole in his chest, like the one in Jaejoong's abdomen. He'd like to have someone to blame for his pain. He doesn't.
Turning tail again as he nears the infirmary, he shamefully knocks his fist on the room he just left. Yunho and Changmin are within and he could use seeing a friendly face.
Changmin looks up at the knock on the door, wiping his eyes hurriedly. It's been years since he's let himself cry openly, longer still since he's let anyone see him. He intends to keep it that way. Which is why he's here, alone, rather than with Yunho and looking over Jaejoong. The man just looks too damn small and breakable in that bed and he can't deal with all this. Can't deal with yet another former enemy turning into an ally and fleetingly, he thinks this is why they were all considered so fucking dangerous.
"Come in," he calls, unfolding his legs and running his fingers through his hair.
The room is too quiet; Junsu half expected to see his friends intertwined on the bed, but whatever slight relief he feels at being spared that inexplicable ache fades when he sees Changmin's expression in the half-dark.
"Hey, how..." Stupid thing to ask, how are you. "Where's Yunho?" he asks instead, hesitating before he sits down on the cot. There are no fond memories of being locked in on the Cerberus, but at least this time he's with people who love him. People he's sure love him, in their own way.
"With Jaejoong," he replies, rubbing his hands on the knees of his trousers. "Yoochun's a wreck. I just had to sit it out for a while." Looking at the other man, Changmin gives him a soft smile, reaching up to brush a thumb over Junsu's cheek. "You look terrible."
"I'm fine," Junsu sighs, rubbing two fingers over his eyes, smirking when he meets Changmin's.
"It's been a long few days," he adds after a pause. "Really long." Understatement of the century.
Changmin shakes his head, feeling the knot in his stomach loosen slightly just by virtue of Junsu's presence. It's why the other man had always been so popular in their squadron, the calming aura he projects. It's also why it's sometimes easy to forget that Junsu is hurting just as bad as the rest of them.
He pushes the other man back on the cot, crossing his arms and resting them on Junsu's chest, looking down at him.
"When was the last time you slept, Kim?"
Junsu pretends to consider it for a moment, tries not to show his unease when Changmin lies over him. They're kids, they used to do this after missions, the same way they'd wrestle each other. It doesn't mean anything more now that they've slept with the same man.
"The night before you crashed your craft on Elysia, probably," he shrugs, toying with a strand of Changmin's hair. Does he know? Did Yunho tell him? Did the others? He swallows away his doubts, ashamed that he's being so selfish when Jaejoong's hurting.
"Idiot," Changmin mumbles softly, something twisting in his chest. "You shouldn't have been losing sleep over the dead. Especially now that you know I'm not."
A sigh.
"How can we take care of you if you don't let us know this shit?"
"You haven't got time to take care of me," he points out, regretting the words because they sound vindictive and selfish even to his own ears. He doesn't blame Changmin or any of them. You can't force people to fall in love with you.
"I'm okay. Seriously, Jaejoong's the one you should be worrying about."
"I am worried about him,. Of course I am." Changmin says with a frown, shaking his head. "But he's awake and recovering and has Yunho and Yoochun in there worrying themselves sick." He pinches Junsu's shoulder, hard. "I'm worried about you. You're not okay."
Junsu slaps his hand away, but not before uttering a very pointed "Ow!". It's only in jest; after all they've endured, he can withstand just about anything. "Drop it, Changmin, I'm fine," he warns, waving a finger in front of the other's eyes. "Just worn out. Aren't you?"
Junsu is turning it around again and frustration courses through the younger man. They're not like Jaejoong and Yoochun, he can't read his mind. Sighing, he ducks his head against Junsu's chest.
"Yes. I am. We both need sleep."
Junsu nods before he realizes that falling asleep here might piss Yunho off. After all that has happened, he can't bring himself to just let their former captain deal with it.
"Think I'm going to find my own bed, not enough room here," he nods, pulling away from Changmin's touch. He doesn't know if the other man has forgotten their days at the Academy. Part of him hopes so.
Changmin looks up, startled as Junsu tries to retreat, grabbing a hold of his arm to keep him in place. "Shut up, there's plenty of room. Lie back down."
After all that's happened, none of them should be alone. If the med ward would've allowed it, he’s sure they all would've set up camp in Jaejoong's room, just to keep an eye on one another, remind each other that they’re still here.
Junsu can't think of an excuse quickly enough and Changmin's starting to take after Yunho. His voice and arm are equally strong and soon he's got Junsu pressed back against the cot, expression much too earnest in the dark. And Junsu knew it would happen like this, knew he'd be eaten away by guilt like a cancer.
"I've got to tell you something," he confesses, biting his lip, apprehension gnawing on tired nerves.
Changmin lies back over the other man, keeping him bodily pinned to the cot, discouraging any further escape attempts Junsu gets into his head. "What?"" he asks quietly, not sure he even wants to know if it has Junsu looking like that.
It doesn't help that Changmin's perfectly poised to break his nose from where he's sitting and while Junsu doesn't quite think they'll get to that, he still worries.
"I... when you were gone, Yunho and I... we..." His eyes will Changmin to understand if not forgive. "I didn't mean to come between anything you two had. I mean... I knew--know he and you have a..." A what? He's fumbling for words, finally giving up; giving himself up to Changmin's verdict.
For a moment, he simply stares at Junsu, as if the words were in another language. "You...what?" he chokes, pulling away, stumbling off the cot. Anger spikes in him like a white-hot flame. "You and he...you think I'm dead and the first thing you do is fuck my lover?"
Junsu scrambles to sit up, resisting the urge to pull his knees to his chin. He's not a little boy, he's a fucking soldier. He knew what he was doing. "I'm sorry! We... there were smugglers and we were running and he just... he didn't know what he was doing." The excuse is weak, but it holds true for Yunho. Not so much for Junsu.
"But you did," Changmin grits between his teeth. "You knew. You...and God, he won't even look at me and then...you...you asshole!"
Changmin's words sting like a laser on his skin, just as painful, just as sharp. Junsu stands, turning away from him. "I didn't. We didn't think." --Yunho's lips trace pattern on his skin, biting into his shoulder as he shudders. Broken breaths and stilted, stuttered syllables that sound suspiciously like the name of dead man ghost over his skin...-- "One time. That's it. That's all it was."
Jaw tight, his fingers are curled into fists, wanting to hit the other man so, so fucking badly. "So that's it? You and him? Just like that."
Junsu bites his tongue. This can't matter. On the Acheron, it didn't. Yunho and Changmin. Yunho and… others. Why do some rules apply to him but not his captain? This can't matter with Jaejoong just recovering from a plasma wound in a foreign bed, on a foreign ship.
This can't matter when Junsu was never happier than when they found Changmin alive.
"It doesn't mean anything, alright?" he snaps, hurt, defeated. "I know he was screwing me and thinking about you!"
"Don't lie to me, Junsu. It's Yunho," Changmin chokes, slamming his fist into the wall because he doesn't want to hit Junsu, not really, has never hit him but... "Gods, I just...Jaejoong? Yoochun?" He shakes his head, laughing without mirth. "Am I that fucking replaceable?"
"Don't! Don't throw that in my face." With Jaejoong, with Yoochun, it was different. His choices were limited then, as they are now. "What do you want from me? I did it. I had to own up to it. We found you... Yunho has you and it's over." A harsh laugh. "Just like on the Acheron, remember?"
"Are you in love with him?" Changmin asks heatedly. "Are you? Have you been this whole time?"
Junsu raises wide eyes to meet Changmin's expression. "How can you ask me that?" A shake of the head, a sharp intake of breath. "Not with him, you fuck."
There is a startled silence between them. Changmin slides down the wall to sit, splay-legged, pressing his hands hard over his eyes, the last bit of anger and adrenaline stolen from his form at the words, strength leaving his body. Leaving exhaustion in its place. He looks up at Junsu helplessly.
"You...but...you never said anything to me. Ever."
"Fuck off. You were my best friend," Junsu chokes, not daring to think that's still the case. "And you were in the captain's bunk half the time." He shrugs. "Seemed like a done deal."
Changmin exhales slowly, taking in Junsu's shining eyes. "I was in yours first."
"Like you've thought of that at all since the Academy." It's meant without malice, without the bitterness that flows with every word, but Junsu can't help himself. Changmin moved on, became a better pilot, a better soldier. Junsu was never jealous, until now.
Guilt twists Changmin’s stomach. Because in a way, it's true. He never thought their furtive, inexperienced touches were anything more than they were. Than what any of the other students did. But in another...Junsu has been his best friend, closer than anyone. And even if he hasn't dwelled...he hasn't forgotten.
Pushing himself to his feet, he crosses the room to the shorter man, looking at him for a long moment. "Then remind me. Kiss me."
Gods, that's fucking cruel and Junsu doesn't know how to deal with Changmin this intense, has never seen him act anything remotely like this out of the cockpit and for a moment, Junsu just wants to run out, vent himself into space and disappear completely. But he's not a child. He's a man.
Grabbing Changmin's shirt in his fists, he obeys. Their lips meet harshly, connecting with an obscene sound and too much teeth. It's not right, it's not like it used to be, but he's missed it so much. He's missed Changmin...
"Fuck you," he grits out, torn between laughing and sobbing and wondering when he exactly he lost control so completely. Then again, no sane man would carry a torch for five years, not when he knows it's unrequited and there's no way that's going to change.
"Do you want to?" Changmin asks without thinking, grabbing Junsu's arms when it looks like the man will either strike him or pull away. "I don't...I didn't say it to hurt you, Su, I swear, I just..."
He swallows hard, leaning down to bring their mouths together once again, trying to kiss him like he used to all those years ago. He tastes the sweet that is his best friend and the anger slips from him, not to return, still dizzy with the knowledge and sick with the guilt of never noticing.
Changmin gives a soft, nearly silent moan and it's all Junsu can do not to wrap himself around the younger pilot and never let go. Fate is a whore for doing this to him, but Changmin is alive and safe and Yunho has found him. It's better than Junsu could've hoped the day he left the Acheron. There are no regrets in this tender kiss, no whispers of things he should've done. Not anymore.
When he draws back, he's surprised to find himself breathless with the memory of Changmin's hands on him in the dark of their room at the Academy. It's as vivid now as it ever was.
"Thanks..." They've never been awkward and they won't start now, but it's all he can think of to say and it seems oddly appropriate. Thanks for being alive. Thanks for this.
Changmin slides his arms around his waist. "I do love you, Su-ah," he murmurs. And he does. So many things about him, down to the newly discovered knowledge that Junsu has to stand on his toes to kiss him.
Junsu quirks a half smile, breath-catching at the sound of Changmin's voice. "Good," he murmurs.
Do you think Yunho loves me? It's on the tip of his tongue to ask, but he's not heartless. He swallows it back, tightening his hold on Junsu. "Am I going to get you to sleep?"
A tentative nod, not because he's tired but because he feels drained. So completely drained.
"Yunho..." Won't like it.
"Needs to get his head out of his ass," Changmin mutters, feeling his stomach clench. "Please. I'm upset and you're upset and we're both tired and worried and just...please, Su-ah. Let me take care of you a little."
Temptation is so easy to give in to, especially when it's whispered so sweetly from Changmin's lips.
With a nod, Junsu relents. He doesn't need taking care of, he wants to say, but the words die in his throat. Changmin's hands are rough against his own and he's reminded of the burnt skin on Yunho's palms after they stole the speeder. It's impossible to confuse them, or the mattress of Changmin's cot for the rough forest floor. Such clarity is irrelevant when it comes to his thoughts, to the ache in the pit of his stomach.
Changmin crouches on the floor beside the cot, looking at the other man for a long moment, hands on Junsu's knees. Pressing a soft kiss to one, he undoes the laces of Junsu's boots, tugging them off and lining them up next to his own at the end of the cot. Pushing the other man back, he lays beside him, resuming their former position, once perfected after countless nights in barracks and bunks, listening to each other whisper and muffling laughter in one another's shoulders.
Their gazes, their lips level once more, Junsu manages another weak smile. "So, you're not going to punch me in the mouth?"
"Thought about it for a minute before taking it out on the wall," he admits, sighing. "Kind of hypocritical, though, isn't it?"
"I'd understand," Junsu shrugs.
Changmin ducks his chin against the other man's chest, kissing softly over his heart. "Do you want it to happen again? With you and him?"
"No, of course not," Junsu answers without missing a beat, frowning that Changmin would tease him like this. "Everything's different now. You're with Yunho and... and all's right with the world."
"I'm with Yunho and Jaejoong's with Yoochun, and where are you, Junsu?" he asks, annoyance tinging his words. That can't be right. Not after everything, for Junsu to what...step aside? Cut his losses? It sparks anger in Changmin's stomach. Frustration.
Junsu almost cowers, burrowing deeper into the flimsy cot. Nothing has to change, not as far as he's concerned. "I'm fine on my own, Changmin. Always have been, remember?"
It's the wrong answer and fuck if Changmin knows what the right one is. But Junsu alone is not part of it. Not at all.
"No," he says simply, glaring down at Junsu. "No."
"You don't get to play the martyr," Junsu shoots back, shaking his head. "I want you to be happy. That's good enough." It should be, after coming so close to losing him; to losing Jaejoong.
"Neither do you," he argues, pushing himself up on his elbows. "This...there has to be a way for it to work. Where no one loses." Changmin clenches his teeth in frustration, leaning in and pressing their mouths together. "You're my best friend," he hisses, drawing back. "I love you. You're not alone and you're not going to be." He meets the other man's eyes, brushing hair out of his face. "Shut up and kiss me."
And Junsu does. Slowly, at first, because he's far less sure than his friend seems to be, then, gradually, relaxing. He knows Changmin, knows him more intimately than most friends know each other, but it's been years since the Academy and neither of them is so young anymore.
"Are you sure about this?" he asks, when they break apart to breathe.
Changmin sighs, pressing their foreheads together. He's not sure. All of this...it seems like wanting too much. Selfish. Greedy. But he does. He can't help himself. And Junsu...Junsu will try to talk him out of it and stall until he takes his last breath, because he's so damn afraid of hurting someone. It's a quality of the other man that he loves, but at times like these, it can be really fucking unhelpful.
So he does what he always does when it comes to Junsu: out-right manipulation.
"Do you not want me?" he breathes, pressing a kiss to the other's jaw.
"I do," Junsu responds, tangling his fingers in soft hair and tugging. "You know I do." He strengthens the statement by shifting slightly against Changmin's hip--if that's not evidence of how he wants him then nothing is. "But, the three of us..." It's hard to form a full sentence with Changmin's eyes boring into his, so he just shrugs, sighs and gives in. "What about Yunho?" he whispers, leaning his forehead against Changmin's.
"If he gets a damn clue, well," Changmin murmurs, resting a hand on Junsu's hip. "We'll make room."
And suddenly it's that easy, in his mind. No claims are laid. Junsu's as much his as he is Yunho's, as Jaejoong and Yoochun are both of theirs. There's enough of him for all of them, he's sure there is.
Junsu stares back. Changmin means to share him. Share himself. It's insane and preposterous and only a few weeks ago he couldn't have believed their captain could go along with it. Now... now, he doesn't know anymore. Doesn't know who he is. What he is.
"Being away from the fleet has changed you," he notes, grinning. "You've gotten bossy."
A snort, a kiss to the corner of his mouth, the foreignness of the action fading with each repetition.
"Yeah, well. I've always known best. The lot of you stifled my brilliance."
Another kiss, softer this time, the barest brushing of lips.
"It sounds crazy. But...it doesn't have to be."
Junsu's kiss to his temple is answer enough. It's affection, unhindered by Guard regs or superior officers. When Yunho returns - and he will return - he'll understand. Junsu knows this in his gut. Trust and loyalty mingled with affection spell it out.
"No wonder Yunho lost it completely when you went down."
Something twists inside Changmin's chest, meeting the other man's eyes. He can't think about that. About Yunho. Not right now. He can still feel the sting of the other man's words, no matter how much Junsu insists otherwise.
"You came after me," he murmurs, covering Junsu's hand on his chest. "Both of you. You didn't even know I was alive and you left everything. How could I even deserve that kind of love?"
"You deserve so much more," Junsu grins, licking his lips before he can press them against Changmin's. "Besides, I only came back so I could do that. Completely selfish." It's more cheerful than the truth. Giving everything up for a dead body, like Changmin said, is not a reasonable excuse. Screw reasonable.
"Be serious," Changmin complains with a smile, pressing his lips to Junsu's ears. "I should be...I don't know. Be wonderful so you don't regret it."
"No wonder we love you," Junsu smiles, shaking his head. "You always have to carry the world on your shoulders." It's not a complaint, not by far. He smiles into his hair. "I'll help."