[fic] When Night Falls (PG-13) Yunho/OC
Title: When Night Falls
Pairing(s)*: Yunho / OC
Rating*: PG-13 for swearing.
Warnings: you might cry a lot cause I specialize in angst.
Genre: angst / romance
A/N: I've always been around the SHINee journals, here's my first DBSK. Enjoy and comments are loved :)
Summary: I could never love you ; I’ve always told my self that.
I must never fall in love with you ; I always run when I see you even though i feel you coming after me
But when I sleep alone at night ; I know your bed is where I want to be .
School is the same everyday , I see you in the corridors , your class is the first one because your older. We use to be so much more , days when you would come by my class to say hi, when i ducked my head down because I hated the attention. You were different made for the attention made for people to run after you , made for people to only love you. Me? I was the girl with the bad attitude from a year bellow you.
* *
“ hey ! “ The girl spins around and looks behind her. Her brows run together and a scowl purses her lips together. “ What do you want ?! “ The boy smiles at her and ruffles her hair a little which she tries her best to avoid.
“ Your name girl , I want your name “
She looks at him at thinks he’s absolutely crazy. “ I’m not giving it , you know that so stop asking , god just has to make my day worst “ she frowned and walked away . He chases after her knowingly because no one has ever caught his breath the way she did. The way his breath seemed to stop just before his lips. He would never tell anyone only his best friend who laughed him and told him he’ll get bored. He knows he would never.
* *
I walk alone along the dark corridors , its late and the lights are dim. Not everyone stays back for night revision, only those who have nothing better to do. I know you do, you have friends who will ask you out , bring you out , have fun and make you forget about things that do not matter. Sitting by the dark empty staircase I lean my head against my knees and think about us. What we had lost. Most importantly how.
* *“ You know if you listened a little in class you wouldn’t have to be here for night revision and we could be out having fun “ he teased as he ran a pencil across the sums she had done. Her work wasn’t the best and the teacher had forced her to attend night revision with a senior. Fate plays with you , and now she was sitting here with him.
“ Even if I weren’t here I would NOT be out with you and your obnoxious friends “ she grabbed her book back and stared at the questions she had wrong. Her work was getting better 4 wrong this time. She studied the sum again trying to figure out where she went wrong. Everything in her life always went wrong. He never understood where her headstrong behavior came from , but he wanted to know here irregardless.
When revision was over and the lecturer on duty had released them he grabbed her hand slipping his fingers in between her’s and dragging her along despite her constant protest. He pushed here into a small stall selling hot noodles and bought 2 bowls telling her she had to eat dinner because he knew she hadn’t eaten the whole day.
* *
Its been three months since I use to matter to you, I must be lying to myself if I ever thought I still did. The same bunch of girls are standing behind me laughing and snickering away all I do is ignore them now no more determination to try and defend myself. I stand up to walk away but the grab me by my shirt and slam me against the side of the stairs. They tell me I looked pathetic and I think its the first time I have ever agreed with them.
* *
She opened up to him slowly , untrustingly at first. He asked for her name and where she lived so that he could send home everyday after extra class. He learns something new everytime. Her name was Hea Jung , Choi Hea Jung. Her house is a small tiny flat and she lives alone. He hasn’t asked why. The location is horrible and dark at night completely unsafe for a girl like her. After that information is easier to get because he had connections. A lot of them to make things better. Then he knew her birthday was on the eight of August which was 2 weeks away from now. He rushed home after sending her back one night to plan for the party of the year.
* *
I tug at the necklace on my neck thinking about the night i had received it. It was a birthday present from him. I remember how he had leaned over to clasp the necklace around my neck. It was a small dark metal pendent hanging itself on a leather chain. The only words i remembered him saying that night because everything was a blur was “ You’re not alone Hea Jung , never alone because you have me , Jung Yunho and he never backs out on a promise “ I think somewhere before my birthday I had told him about me being alone after my parents passed away and I was left with less than enough money so i had to go out and work. I was 14. Things like that change the way you think , things like this change you completely as well. He broke small holes in the wall tried to put life into them hoping I’d take it, I tried.
Maybe he got tired after I had made too many mistakes.
* *
He leaned in closer and she felt his breath on her lips. Shivers ran up her spines like ants on fire. She smelt the alcohol from the night , she knew she was sober having drunk nothing at all. “ Your drunk “ it was more of a statement than a question. “ Not drunk enough to still not know you keep running away from me “ Her eyes shot up and she stared deep into his dark ones. “ I’m not “ she replies. He laughs and it scares her a little. “ She says’s she isn’t , well you know what you do a horrible job in telling a lie Heajung , really , cause as much as i want to believe you’re telling the truth you are not.“ The girl tries to move but he holds fast onto her. “ Stop it “ her voice a bit too loud for the distance between them. He doesn’t loosen his hold on her instead he holds on tighter.
“ I don’t believe that there is no room in your heart for me , you love me I know it you’re afraid Heajung I don’t get it I don’t understand. Have I done something to make you hate me ? “ He asks trying be calm and not scare the girl he loves away.
“ There is no room Yunho , because my heart is full of regret and sorrow. There is no room for anyone unless you want to live with that “ she doesn’t even cry anymore because her tears have gone and dried up when her parents died. When she was 14. Five years ago.
Does he ? He doesn’t even know why he loves her so much , is because she’s he first girl who hasn’t said yes so quickly. She’s the first girl making he think about how much he wants this. His arms drop from her sides mind lost in why’s and how’s and maybe’s.
“ I thought so “ she tries not to be disappointed because this isn’t new. She walks away and he doesn’t go after her because without being certain he’d never hurt her he didn’t have the courage to tell her ‘ Yes I want to be apart of that ‘.
* *
I finished classes and filed out with the rest of my classmates to walk the stairs down. I sighed at the noise the were making. The incessant chatter that literally never ceased. They had so many countless things to talk about I wish I could. The only things I had ever said in class my whole life were the answers to the questions the teacher asked. People were pushing and shoving all wanting to run out of this day time hell. I kept telling them to stop , but no one listened , no one even knew who was speaking my voice so foreign to them. A large shove and my books had flown out of my hand sprawled open at the bottom of the steps. All i could do was stand there and watch them get trampled on, praying it was barely damaged I couldn’t afford new ones. When the last echo of footsteps had faded off into the empty hallways I walked down the empty flight of stairs and attempted to pick up whatever was left of them. It wasn’t so bad. Covers were a little black from shoe prints but I could clean them up at home. People were still leaving their classes and I tried my best to avoid them while clearing up the mess. Apologizing softly for blocking their way. A couple of classmates were starring at me with low mummers I tried my best to block out the voices and leave as soon as I could.
“ Throw them away “ I looked up to see him , his eyes on the books in my hands. It took me everything i had to tear my eyes away from him and give him some flimsy excuse. This was not a time to show him I couldn’t take care of myself. “ You can’t use them anymore Heajung ! “ he grabs them from my hands shows me how bad they really are. My hands flew to my ears and covered them. I hated it when people shouted at me, it sounded like my parents screaming for help when the car crashed. I had flown out onto a grass patch nearby but they were buckled in and went straight into a flaming inferno. “ No... please don’t shout, i don’t need to buy new ones Yunho “ He realizes his mistake and his voice softens. I take the books from his hands and brush the dirt off them. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes and not feel like i’m about to crumble. Everything about him was always so sudden , instant emotions and actions. I hadn’t spoken to him in the past months and suddenly he’s here making first conversation.
“ I’ll buy them “ he offered. I shook my head “ don’t change the way things are Yunho , not everyone adapts so easily “ and I left him.
* *
She stepped on the steps , lightly stomping her feet on the door mat before to get rid of any water from her shoes. she stuck her key into the keyhole.
“ Heajung ..” she almost jumped out of her skin to see a figure sitting by the stairs. “ I.. I have a umbrella to hit you so stay away !!! “ The figure comes closer into the light of the door way and she realizes the stranger didn’t exist. A dripping wet Yunho emerges from the shadows and she hurriedly drags him inside running a run out find a dry towel for the boy to dry himself with. As strong as he was, he was still shivering from the winter rain.
She gets him a hot drink and turns on her tiny heater placing it close to him in attempts to warm them both up. “ Why were you here “ she asks getting him to wrap his hands around the warm mug instead he took her hands and held it so close. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out , as if he had lost his voice. Then in a split second she feels his lips on her’s and she doesn’t know what to think.
* *
Was it impossible now? I’m thinking as I sit by the swings in the park couple of blocks down from where i lived. I couldn’t go home , because home reminded me of the both of us how he had bought my home new furniture to make the place more functional and roomy, how he cleared up the shit hole to make it an actually home. Yunho came from a rich family. He would never flaunt it but you could tell, the way he carries himself , the things he carried on himself. Cars drove past me the sound of their engines the only reason why I know I’m still alive. When someone tells you the reason they’re leaving you , you should take it. But if the person tells you their leaving you with the same reasons the fell in love with you, How do I?
I’m eyeing the stars in the sky counting them one by one hoping to forget too, about the things that should not matter. I see couples sitting in their cars enjoying their time alone looking up at the sky. The park where I’m at is supposed to be one of the best places to star gaze, it was beautiful out here, we use to come all the time. A particular car catches my eye and there’s only one person inside, I smile to myself maybe he or she lost someone like I did. Maybe they use to come here as well.
I light a cigarette , taking a long drag of the death stick not that i really cared if i died or not right now. I wasn’t suicidal or death seeking over a failed relationship , I just never really feared it I guess. It was part of life, welcome it instead of fearing it.
“ I thought you stopped “ I drop the stick in my hand and bolt out of my seat.
All I managed to mutter was “ Habits die hard “ before i took another one out and relit it attempts at calming my nerves. He looked at me with this weird look before taking the cigarette from my lips.
“ Its unhealthy “ is his argument and a smirk appears on my lips before I grab my bag and walk away. Acting like he fucking cared after he tells me that ‘ hey we’re not made for each other , I’m rich you’re obviously poor, I’ve an empire to run you... you don’t have much , we cant be together , lets break up , cool? ‘ He said it so diplomatically , so justified in every way I couldn’t even squeeze in three words to prove him otherwise. I hear the creaking of the wing and a rattling of chains and know that he’s walking after me.
I stop in my tracks and he does too. I turn around and he’s there I know it “ Stop fucking following me and torturing me , no i don’t still want to be you fucking friend so Yunho just fuck off... fuck off before I decide to kill you for doing this to me”
“ Then kill me if it makes you feel better “
* *
She wasn’t use to it , use to someone loving her taking care of her. Someone who were not here parents. No one had loved her for years. It felt odd , odd when he’d put his arm around her shoulder and press a kiss to her temples. She felt warm when he’d hold her close when it was raining an umbrella over their heads his face determined to get them both out of the crazy weather, But she never told him she loved it , she loved the rain , a rain baby thats what her mum use to call her . Rain baby.
* *
“ Don’t try and make this worst , you come and bring me out of my world show me that the one you live in is better and then you leave me there with all the memories of you, everything and everywhere is you. I want to go back , go back to my world where you never existed .. I try everyday I try every fucking day and it doesn’t work. All i need you to do is just stay away from me. “ I’m almost begging , how could he hurt me so badly it just didn’t make sense. He reaches out for me and I step further away.
“ Heajung I just don’t want you to be miserable... “
“ This is fucking worst than anything Yunho, what do you know about being miserable, you have the perfect life, parents , money , anything you ever wanted “ I tightened my grip on my bag “ If you think proving myself to your mother is miserable , then you obviously don’t know me“ I leave him in the park that night.
* *
“ All i’m asking is for you to stay away from my son , he doesn’t need low life like you hanging around him for his wealth, tell me how much you want and I’ll give it to you , what is a sum of money for my son’s future “ She takes out her cheque book from the side of her bag and flips to an empty one. “ So how much girl ? “
She can even open her mouth to speak to shocked by the wealthy women’s actions .
“ I don’t need your money “ is the only reply she deems fit.
“ Oh don’t be silly , everyone wants money the only thing that is going to make your life better is money child, I have more money than what Yunho will ever have , just name me your price and...”
They’re interrupted by the sound of Heajung’s phone ringing, she stares at it only to see Yunho’s name and picture flashing on it. It made her even more determined to stay with him and prove to this woman that things didn’t always go her way and that money didn’t always work.
She lifts her head and smiles at the woman “ You can keep your money, I’ll be with Yunho as long as he wants to be with me “ She gets out of the car and leaves. She knows that or fact that Yunho loved her irregardless of these things and he wouldn’t leave her because his mother demanded too. Because Love was enough right? Right.
* *
Home , was a huge apartment that was empty now. Empty of another person’s voice and laughter. The clothes that hung to dry were much less and now she only cooked for one. Yunho bought it for us and paid it out front within 2 months of his allowance. I was against the idea at first but Yunho had packed out everything I owned and sold the dingy one. He moved all my belongings into this new place and told me if I loved him I didn’t have a choice.
I’m 22 this year, working. We were together for 2 years. What do I know about first loves and trust. To give my all to someone who had saved my life. I’m not mad or angry at him for leaving. I’m mad at myself for not trying harder to make him stay. Still living in that sadness that was me.
* *
One night on Heajung’s parent’s death anniversary she had disappeared the the cemetery to be alone because this was something she felt she should deal with by herself. Finally after so long she felt the courage to go to where they lay and pay her respects. She had left her cell phone at home unintentionally and didn’t return home till the early morning. Her shoes wet from the morning due at the cemetery. She tried her best being silent and keyed in their house lock password and waited for the machine to beep and stepped in. Leaving the drenched shoes at the door she heard the shutting of the bedroom door and cringed. Hoping he’d be asleep and not waiting.
Yunho steps into the light of the doorway , he’s completely awake with a very unreadable expression on his face. “ Where were you ? “ is the first thing he says when the girl steps into the living room .
“ Out , had some stuff to do nothing much why aren’t you sleeping ? “ hurried and short .
“ Are you really asking that ? “ he follows her to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.
“ Yunho , it was nothing , You don’t always have to worry about me “ she reaches to him and presses her palm to his cheeks.
“ Nothing?! You don’t bring your phone out and come home at 4 fucking am in the morning, all i can do is wait for you here and worry about what could have happened to you. And you tell me not to worry , who am I to you Heajung ?! “
“ Yunho... “
“ You could have just left me a message that you had something on and that you’d be late at least i can expect you to be late but .....fuck you know what , just do whatever the hell you want , you only know you’re suffering , you don’t know about me suffering seeing you like that “ he slams the door to the extra room leaving her out in the kitchen.
The next morning she gets up to find the house empty, she checks the guest room to find no one and returns to the warmth of her own bed. Curled up into a tiny ball she can’t help but feel guilty for leaving Yunho out of so many things in her life. She ‘s only been with him for less than a year and he’s done so much for her , so much she’s lost count. Its not intentional, her actions , its fear of judgement and fear itself.
“ I’m sorry “ she whispered to her sheets as a tear slid down eye. Her first tear in 5 years.
He gets home in the afternoon with groceries and steps into a quiet house. The dishes on the table feels painful because she still made breakfast after having shouted at her the night before. Gently he lifts the cover and picks up an piece of french toast enjoying the rich flavor from it. His favorite .
“ You’re home “ he turns around to see the chef clad in his old t-shirt and shorts. Her finger gently rubbing her eyes open.
“ yeah i went to the market.“ he wants to say more but it gets choked up when he notices tear tracks and puffy eyes.
“ Okay , remember to eat , i’ll leave you alone now “ she retreats back into her room fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. Yunho wants to kick himself , because she’s not one to express her emotions , properly , crying was not part and parcel of her life. It was hard because she had forgotten how too.
He stares at the food appetite lost . Tracing her foot steps back into the room he sees her curled up in a ball on top of the quilt .
“ Baby “ he whispers as he shifts her so to pull the quilt over her. She makes a small noise of acknowledgment and replies so softly he almost misses it. “ I’m sorry Yunho-ah , please don’t leave me , everyone leaves me“. His heart breaks a million times over as he tells her quietly over and over again that he’d never go , how could her ever leave his heart.
* *
Occasionally i come by something that belongs to him. He moved lots of his things out when he left somethings he forgot and left behind. Maybe he didn’t want anything to do with them. Maybe i was one of those things.
I sit by the bed and stare at the wall of pictures he had put up. We bought lot of random frames to decorate the huge wall behind the bed. Some were of us , some were of his friends , some were just of me or him. My world had nothing in it and when he came it filled everything up so my friends were his friends they treated me the same and cared for me like friends would. When he left they went too , well they did try to be there for me but as time grew the reasons to meet were little almost none and soon like him they were a memory that i was not sure even existed.
My tummy decided that it needed to be fed in the evening I grabbed my bag and pushed the bicycle out deciding to ride it down to town for dinner. There wasn’t any food at home. I stop abruptly just when I get to the lobby of the block to see him standing out there waiting for someone. How foolish of me to hope it wasn’t me.
“ Heajung-ah “ he calls when he sees me. I can only walk towards him. What was the point of running.
“ Did you leave something behind ? “ I asked.
“ No.. I... I actually dont know why I’m here, I think i wanted to see you” I smirk at him and try to cover up the sudden drop of my heart.
“ Just go , don’t wast both our time” I hold fast my bicycle and push past him but he catches my hand just before i’m out of reach.
“ Heajung “
“ Let go Yunho “ I struggle to pull my hand out of his vice like grip but he won’t let go , the bicycle has fallen and hit the ground with a loud crash but that doesn’t hold him back either.
“ Heajung , please... please look at me . . . “ i tear my eyes from the ground and meet his. They were empty, jaded and .. and regretful. I take a deep breath to find my voice. Regret? He wanted this why should he regret now after everything.
“ What do you want ? “ His eye brows furrow together like he’s trying to hold back from letting go. He stays silent and I ask him again “ What is it ? “
“ How have you been ? “ Is the first thing that comes up and I try hard to not slap him across his face.
“ You know what , I’m not going to pretend “ I’m in disbelief. “ I’m not fine Yunho, not at all I’d appreciate it , really , if you just left me alone , now would be best “ He still doesn’t let go , but with a final tug I’m two steps away and picking up my bicycle brushing off the dust from the seat. He stays where he is and watches me.
“ And what difference would it make now Yunho? When everything you said before has just become a lie . . “
* *
“ Why do i let you speak so informally with me ? “ Yunho asks one day while they’re curled up under the sheets body’s pressed against one another.
“ Because you love me and love is fair and equal “ she replies as she snuggled closer for warmth. Winters were wonderful , but they still froze up. The floors were not heated so it was almost torturous to walk on them. Yunho had forgotten about winter when buying the apartment , luckily the air-conditioners were wonderful heaters. As long as they weren’t bare footed it was more or less fine.
“ Yunho-ah how did I become so lucky ? “ she asks.
“ Whats with us and the 10 questions this morning ? “ he teases
“ I just want to hear it , to know its real “
“ Because you’ve lost so much , god wanted to be fair and he sent me , your bestest present ! “
She nods and looks at him straight in his eyes. Yup , she was one lucky girl.
* *
He grabs her hand and drags the bicycle carelessly behind them. I’m shouting at him but all my protests are gone completely unheard. The ride in the lift has me screaming telling him that “ You shouldn’t do this unless you’re staying Yunho so fucking let go of me ! “ He’s silent all the way up. The bicycle is dumped against the shoe rack and he shuts the door behind us.
Both of us are panting at the anger and frustration, at least I’m angry that he’s doing this.
I run towards him and push him back out towards the door “ Get out Yunho, please just get out now , I don’t have to deal with you , its so fucking hard just go” the tears are running down my face , utterly out of control.
“ I love you “
“ NO! YOU DON’T GET OUT YUNHO! “
“ I love you Heajung ”
“ go awayy Yunho please “
“ I’ve never stopped.”
I’m holding onto him and falling to my knees hitting the floor and scraping them at the same time. My body trembling with tears and the shortness of my breath. My heart couldn’t take this. I’m a crying mess at my door steps. I’m a crying mess infront of me. I’ve lost my mind and body when he kneels down and pulls me so close and flush against his chest.
“ I’m so sorry Heajung , I know its not enough but I’m sorry , I always will be , “ he whispers those words over and over again. Like a chant to hypnotize me to fall asleep.
* *
She see’s him and the first thing she does is run over and throw her hands around him. Taking in a deep breath of air infused with his favourite cologne.
“ Lets go home and I’ll cook “ She offered but he just gave her a half hearted smile and turned towards the car.
The ride home was silent she took small glances at him but he kept himself busy with the road ahead. “ Yunho , whats the matter you’ve been quiet the whole time.”
“ Nothing , just stop asking “ he replies and turns the radio on i attempts to drown out her voice. Because today he had to do it, he had to leave her before his mother tried to ruin her life. The car pulls up outside their apartment but no one makes the first move to get out of the car.
Yunho has his hands fast on the steering wheel gripping on it like it meant his life. His knuckles were already turning a pale shade of white.
Heajung reaches out and squeezes the boy’s hand gently, her voice soft , filled with care and worry. “ Yunho-ho whats the matter , its odd to see you so quiet “
He turns to look at her , his eyes blank and awfully dark.
“ Heajung , lets break up. “
* *
When i’m wake up my head heavy from all the crying I’m lying on the couch in his arms he’s fallen asleep too. I shift a bit to move away but he holds me tighter , “ let go Yunho , “ he doesn’t say anything still and I bite his hand which produces a loud “ fuck is wrong with you ?! “ as he jolts up and rubs his forearm.
“ I said let go and you didn’t “ I mumble. The moment i made any movement to stand up he’s caught my wrist and pressed me flat down on to couch.
“ Stop running , you’re always running “
“ What the fuck can I do instead Yunho “ all the tears and sadness had turn into a ball of anger.
“ Just stay and... “
“ and what ? and wait for you until you deicide that you want me back? YOU told me that this was worth it that YOU would bring me out from everything that had killed me before, why the fuck should I listen to anything YOU are saying, knowing it could just be another lie a temporary fix. “
His eyes softened and his hands relax.
“ I never meant too “
“ I’m moving out Yunho”
“ What ?! Why , Heajung you can’t go back there its horrible “ “ It was my life Yunho, incase you forgot ”
“ But its over “
“No... This right here , this is over, you ended it , i need to go back to where i belong now ”
“ You can’t go back there Jjungie” the endearment slips from his lips and I stop breathing.
“ You have lost the right to call me that anymore Yunho ”
I hear my heartbreaking again , meeting him reliving all the pain was something I could never get use too. He gets off me and I pull myself away from him back up against the other side of the couch. He watches me slip out of his grasps. I wanted to understand why, why he had done what he did. Throw me aside rid me of my beliefs and understandings. I knew that love could die, we could grow sick of each other and break up. I didn’t know that when it ended abruptly it was this painful and ridiculous.
Getting up from the couch I open the door and stand there , my eyes glued to the empty space outside.
“ I love you so much Yunho, so much it breaks my heart everytime I see you in school , see you on the streets or see you here like this. I want to get over you , forget you , try and not let you seep into my thoughts every time so you need to go , you need to leave right now and never come back “ I don’t know why I was being so stubborn , but i figured it was simply because I didn’t know why he was back. Was he back to break my heart again or stay for good. He hadn’t said anything since he came who was I to assume anything.
He gets up and grabs his bag , i feel his eyes never leaving me. Stopping just before the door, he pulls out the red gloves i had careless knitted for him never doing anything like this in my life. They didn’t fit well and looked a tad awful but he wore it anyway both winters we had spent together.
“ You should take this ,but they still keep me warmer than anything, can I keep it still? “ he asks.
I nod. What would i do with them anyway. I realized he never told me he wanted to stay , and as I gently shut the door on him and us, I felt like maybe this was the way things were always meant to be. The door is moving , I’m pushing it against its frame but in a moment it doesn’t move anymore and its forced towards me.
I see Yunho again and suddenly I’m pulled with one strong tug towards him. He’s crying I see it before I fall forward , taking a deep breath i brace myself but then I don’t hit the ground or anything that hurts.I’m engulfed by that familiar smell and the most addicting taste on my lips. I feel him tremble against me and the shiver makes me cry.
The kiss is filled with hurt , its salty from his tears maybe mine. Its painful from the impact but it seemed to numb every other hurt from my body.
“ I’m sorry , if i hurt you please hit me , kill me , shout at me just... just don’t tell me to go because I know you’re hurting , I am too, when I saw how you went by everyday I wanted to kill myself for doing this too. But I had to wait , wait till I have everything in my hands so that you would never need to worry about anything when we wouldn’t be at my mothers mercy. So I let you go , I told you to go , so you wouldn’t be my mothers target , I would come back for you but I couldn’t tell you so that it would be so much more convincing. I’m sorry Heajung , i’m here now , I’m here now baby , I’m here please don’t do this to yourself. “
My mind is a blank. He had done everything for us, to save us to protect us. The amount of hurt he had to put us through was unbearable but he was here now.
“ I hate you , I hate you so much “
“ I know .... i know Jjungie “
I don’t correct him this time.
* *
“ Things change Heajung , not everything is going to stay and perfect as you wish it too”
“ But this shouldn’t change “
“ I grow up and I want different things, working to get my dad’s empire back is my top priority right now and you’re going to be a distraction. Mother was right , I need to get my thoughts straight and not waste time on unnecessary things. “
He can’t look at her when he says these things because it hurts when he see’s that look of hurt and confusion on her face.
“ Unnecessary . . you tell me that this is what makes life different , it made mine different , did something happen Yunho? “
“ No , we should just , find our lives back , this was all a mistake Heajung , really , and I really dont mind if you hate me for this “
She’s still in the car her hands trembling and all Yunho really wants to go is to reach out for her and calm her down , ease the pain that is building in both their hearts but he knows better than to do it. For them , for all the time they will be together later when this storm blew over. When she forgave him for this.
“ I’m sorry, if I .... If there was something I did wrong , not telling you where I was and stuff , I never meant it but. . . I should go “ she pulls the handle of the door and the click reminds her that the moment she steps out that this might be the end. Right?
“ Take care Heajung , forget about me if it hurts too much , I will by tomorrow “ are his last words she she shuts the door.
Don’t go , she prays.
Theres a click when he locks the doors, as he revs the engine up. She looks at him too shock to react not knowing what had hit her so hard and painful.
Yunho.whats wrong ? she asks but she knows he can’t hear her. A nod and he steps on the paddle the car slowly moving out of the drive way.
The car carried him and her heart
The car drives off. She’s now empty.
* *
When the tears have dried up and the pain temporarily numb , we sit ourselves in the kitchen as I watch him cook us dinner. It looks un real , it looks like I was imagining this like I had many times. He give the soup a last stir before turning the knob and carrying it to the table.
“ Eat “ he nudges me a little bringing me back to the moment.
I nod in reply and pick up my chopsticks but not really doing anything with it. Dinner was silent even though we both weren’t really eating.
“ Heajung ? “
“ Hmm? “ my eyes focused on counting the rice grains in my bowl.
“ Aren’t you hungry ? “
I shake my head and put my chopsticks back down beside my bowl.
He stops pretending to eat , and his chopsticks hit the table too.
“ Do you want me to cook something else ?”
I shake my head offering a small smile and excuse myself from the table. My foot steps are heavy when I walk out of the kitchen , heavier as I drag my body to the toilet. The lights were not on and I felt my way but something catches my hand in the dark and I almost loose my balance and fall but a pair of arms hold onto me . It circled around me from the back engulfing me into warmth. I still struggle against it making a run for the bath room and shutting the door behind me.
“ Open the door Heajung ! “ his voice is painful and the words are forced out, even i feel the strain on my throat. “ Open it please , please Heajung “ he rattles the door knob but it doesn’t work and he hits the door with his fist. I’m almost sure it must be bleeding already. I’ve lost my voice , I’ve forgotten what I want to say to him , what I should say actually., everything is just hurtful words and painful memories.
“ Heajung , I know you hate me and I would too, I would have killed me if I didn’t know I was doing this for us “ his breaths are short and staggered.
“ I would have killed me for doing all that to you but I just wanted to comeback and see you one last time incase you couldn’t forgive me. I will leave right now Heajung if you can’t forgive me. I know I wouldn’t forgive me either , just open up Heajung , tell me you can’t forgive me and I’ll go “
The door clicks and I pull it open to face him. He pulls me towards him releasing a breath he had been holding onto the entire time.
“ Yunho .... “ he pulls me apart and looks at me , brushing my hair out of my face and his thumbs brushing the tear tracks away.
His smile is pleading but he is trying his best to not let me feel his fear even though i feel it anyway.
“...... maybe we should.... well “ I want to say, try again , start afresh , but he doesn’t hear as he slowly lets me slip.
“ I don’t think I can bear to hear it “ he says.
I grab on to him but he lets go shaking his head and steps away from me , each step I make towards him he takes 2 steps back until we’re almost at the end of the hall way.
“ Yunho “ i run towards him and throw my arms around his neck. “ Don’t go Yunho , everyone goes , everyone has gone or can go , anyone but you, you can’t go.”
I feel him laugh as he tightens his hold around me.
* *
“ I love you “ he whispers when he finds her curled up in a ball my knees pressed against her chest, hidden in an empty classroom. Hidden away from the world but only he will ever find the girl, HIs hands are warm when they hold gently onto face.
“ I love you Heajung , and I will be there for you so you don’t have to face this world alone. We’ll do it together , your hand in mine. Unafraid and determined we both have things to overcome and two is alway better than one “
She laughs a little at how it rhymes and his face has that cheeky glint but its all sincere. They both know it.
“ So take my hand and believe that this world has better things that needs us to appreciate, that includes me of course “
He leans down and presses a small kiss to her forehead.
“ I love you too Yunho-ah “
Pairing(s)*: Yunho / OC
Rating*: PG-13 for swearing.
Warnings: you might cry a lot cause I specialize in angst.
Genre: angst / romance
A/N: I've always been around the SHINee journals, here's my first DBSK. Enjoy and comments are loved :)
Summary: I could never love you ; I’ve always told my self that.
I must never fall in love with you ; I always run when I see you even though i feel you coming after me
But when I sleep alone at night ; I know your bed is where I want to be .
School is the same everyday , I see you in the corridors , your class is the first one because your older. We use to be so much more , days when you would come by my class to say hi, when i ducked my head down because I hated the attention. You were different made for the attention made for people to run after you , made for people to only love you. Me? I was the girl with the bad attitude from a year bellow you.
* *
“ hey ! “ The girl spins around and looks behind her. Her brows run together and a scowl purses her lips together. “ What do you want ?! “ The boy smiles at her and ruffles her hair a little which she tries her best to avoid.
“ Your name girl , I want your name “
She looks at him at thinks he’s absolutely crazy. “ I’m not giving it , you know that so stop asking , god just has to make my day worst “ she frowned and walked away . He chases after her knowingly because no one has ever caught his breath the way she did. The way his breath seemed to stop just before his lips. He would never tell anyone only his best friend who laughed him and told him he’ll get bored. He knows he would never.
* *
I walk alone along the dark corridors , its late and the lights are dim. Not everyone stays back for night revision, only those who have nothing better to do. I know you do, you have friends who will ask you out , bring you out , have fun and make you forget about things that do not matter. Sitting by the dark empty staircase I lean my head against my knees and think about us. What we had lost. Most importantly how.
* *“ You know if you listened a little in class you wouldn’t have to be here for night revision and we could be out having fun “ he teased as he ran a pencil across the sums she had done. Her work wasn’t the best and the teacher had forced her to attend night revision with a senior. Fate plays with you , and now she was sitting here with him.
“ Even if I weren’t here I would NOT be out with you and your obnoxious friends “ she grabbed her book back and stared at the questions she had wrong. Her work was getting better 4 wrong this time. She studied the sum again trying to figure out where she went wrong. Everything in her life always went wrong. He never understood where her headstrong behavior came from , but he wanted to know here irregardless.
When revision was over and the lecturer on duty had released them he grabbed her hand slipping his fingers in between her’s and dragging her along despite her constant protest. He pushed here into a small stall selling hot noodles and bought 2 bowls telling her she had to eat dinner because he knew she hadn’t eaten the whole day.
* *
Its been three months since I use to matter to you, I must be lying to myself if I ever thought I still did. The same bunch of girls are standing behind me laughing and snickering away all I do is ignore them now no more determination to try and defend myself. I stand up to walk away but the grab me by my shirt and slam me against the side of the stairs. They tell me I looked pathetic and I think its the first time I have ever agreed with them.
* *
She opened up to him slowly , untrustingly at first. He asked for her name and where she lived so that he could send home everyday after extra class. He learns something new everytime. Her name was Hea Jung , Choi Hea Jung. Her house is a small tiny flat and she lives alone. He hasn’t asked why. The location is horrible and dark at night completely unsafe for a girl like her. After that information is easier to get because he had connections. A lot of them to make things better. Then he knew her birthday was on the eight of August which was 2 weeks away from now. He rushed home after sending her back one night to plan for the party of the year.
* *
I tug at the necklace on my neck thinking about the night i had received it. It was a birthday present from him. I remember how he had leaned over to clasp the necklace around my neck. It was a small dark metal pendent hanging itself on a leather chain. The only words i remembered him saying that night because everything was a blur was “ You’re not alone Hea Jung , never alone because you have me , Jung Yunho and he never backs out on a promise “ I think somewhere before my birthday I had told him about me being alone after my parents passed away and I was left with less than enough money so i had to go out and work. I was 14. Things like that change the way you think , things like this change you completely as well. He broke small holes in the wall tried to put life into them hoping I’d take it, I tried.
Maybe he got tired after I had made too many mistakes.
* *
He leaned in closer and she felt his breath on her lips. Shivers ran up her spines like ants on fire. She smelt the alcohol from the night , she knew she was sober having drunk nothing at all. “ Your drunk “ it was more of a statement than a question. “ Not drunk enough to still not know you keep running away from me “ Her eyes shot up and she stared deep into his dark ones. “ I’m not “ she replies. He laughs and it scares her a little. “ She says’s she isn’t , well you know what you do a horrible job in telling a lie Heajung , really , cause as much as i want to believe you’re telling the truth you are not.“ The girl tries to move but he holds fast onto her. “ Stop it “ her voice a bit too loud for the distance between them. He doesn’t loosen his hold on her instead he holds on tighter.
“ I don’t believe that there is no room in your heart for me , you love me I know it you’re afraid Heajung I don’t get it I don’t understand. Have I done something to make you hate me ? “ He asks trying be calm and not scare the girl he loves away.
“ There is no room Yunho , because my heart is full of regret and sorrow. There is no room for anyone unless you want to live with that “ she doesn’t even cry anymore because her tears have gone and dried up when her parents died. When she was 14. Five years ago.
Does he ? He doesn’t even know why he loves her so much , is because she’s he first girl who hasn’t said yes so quickly. She’s the first girl making he think about how much he wants this. His arms drop from her sides mind lost in why’s and how’s and maybe’s.
“ I thought so “ she tries not to be disappointed because this isn’t new. She walks away and he doesn’t go after her because without being certain he’d never hurt her he didn’t have the courage to tell her ‘ Yes I want to be apart of that ‘.
* *
I finished classes and filed out with the rest of my classmates to walk the stairs down. I sighed at the noise the were making. The incessant chatter that literally never ceased. They had so many countless things to talk about I wish I could. The only things I had ever said in class my whole life were the answers to the questions the teacher asked. People were pushing and shoving all wanting to run out of this day time hell. I kept telling them to stop , but no one listened , no one even knew who was speaking my voice so foreign to them. A large shove and my books had flown out of my hand sprawled open at the bottom of the steps. All i could do was stand there and watch them get trampled on, praying it was barely damaged I couldn’t afford new ones. When the last echo of footsteps had faded off into the empty hallways I walked down the empty flight of stairs and attempted to pick up whatever was left of them. It wasn’t so bad. Covers were a little black from shoe prints but I could clean them up at home. People were still leaving their classes and I tried my best to avoid them while clearing up the mess. Apologizing softly for blocking their way. A couple of classmates were starring at me with low mummers I tried my best to block out the voices and leave as soon as I could.
“ Throw them away “ I looked up to see him , his eyes on the books in my hands. It took me everything i had to tear my eyes away from him and give him some flimsy excuse. This was not a time to show him I couldn’t take care of myself. “ You can’t use them anymore Heajung ! “ he grabs them from my hands shows me how bad they really are. My hands flew to my ears and covered them. I hated it when people shouted at me, it sounded like my parents screaming for help when the car crashed. I had flown out onto a grass patch nearby but they were buckled in and went straight into a flaming inferno. “ No... please don’t shout, i don’t need to buy new ones Yunho “ He realizes his mistake and his voice softens. I take the books from his hands and brush the dirt off them. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes and not feel like i’m about to crumble. Everything about him was always so sudden , instant emotions and actions. I hadn’t spoken to him in the past months and suddenly he’s here making first conversation.
“ I’ll buy them “ he offered. I shook my head “ don’t change the way things are Yunho , not everyone adapts so easily “ and I left him.
* *
She stepped on the steps , lightly stomping her feet on the door mat before to get rid of any water from her shoes. she stuck her key into the keyhole.
“ Heajung ..” she almost jumped out of her skin to see a figure sitting by the stairs. “ I.. I have a umbrella to hit you so stay away !!! “ The figure comes closer into the light of the door way and she realizes the stranger didn’t exist. A dripping wet Yunho emerges from the shadows and she hurriedly drags him inside running a run out find a dry towel for the boy to dry himself with. As strong as he was, he was still shivering from the winter rain.
She gets him a hot drink and turns on her tiny heater placing it close to him in attempts to warm them both up. “ Why were you here “ she asks getting him to wrap his hands around the warm mug instead he took her hands and held it so close. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out , as if he had lost his voice. Then in a split second she feels his lips on her’s and she doesn’t know what to think.
* *
Was it impossible now? I’m thinking as I sit by the swings in the park couple of blocks down from where i lived. I couldn’t go home , because home reminded me of the both of us how he had bought my home new furniture to make the place more functional and roomy, how he cleared up the shit hole to make it an actually home. Yunho came from a rich family. He would never flaunt it but you could tell, the way he carries himself , the things he carried on himself. Cars drove past me the sound of their engines the only reason why I know I’m still alive. When someone tells you the reason they’re leaving you , you should take it. But if the person tells you their leaving you with the same reasons the fell in love with you, How do I?
I’m eyeing the stars in the sky counting them one by one hoping to forget too, about the things that should not matter. I see couples sitting in their cars enjoying their time alone looking up at the sky. The park where I’m at is supposed to be one of the best places to star gaze, it was beautiful out here, we use to come all the time. A particular car catches my eye and there’s only one person inside, I smile to myself maybe he or she lost someone like I did. Maybe they use to come here as well.
I light a cigarette , taking a long drag of the death stick not that i really cared if i died or not right now. I wasn’t suicidal or death seeking over a failed relationship , I just never really feared it I guess. It was part of life, welcome it instead of fearing it.
“ I thought you stopped “ I drop the stick in my hand and bolt out of my seat.
All I managed to mutter was “ Habits die hard “ before i took another one out and relit it attempts at calming my nerves. He looked at me with this weird look before taking the cigarette from my lips.
“ Its unhealthy “ is his argument and a smirk appears on my lips before I grab my bag and walk away. Acting like he fucking cared after he tells me that ‘ hey we’re not made for each other , I’m rich you’re obviously poor, I’ve an empire to run you... you don’t have much , we cant be together , lets break up , cool? ‘ He said it so diplomatically , so justified in every way I couldn’t even squeeze in three words to prove him otherwise. I hear the creaking of the wing and a rattling of chains and know that he’s walking after me.
I stop in my tracks and he does too. I turn around and he’s there I know it “ Stop fucking following me and torturing me , no i don’t still want to be you fucking friend so Yunho just fuck off... fuck off before I decide to kill you for doing this to me”
“ Then kill me if it makes you feel better “
* *
She wasn’t use to it , use to someone loving her taking care of her. Someone who were not here parents. No one had loved her for years. It felt odd , odd when he’d put his arm around her shoulder and press a kiss to her temples. She felt warm when he’d hold her close when it was raining an umbrella over their heads his face determined to get them both out of the crazy weather, But she never told him she loved it , she loved the rain , a rain baby thats what her mum use to call her . Rain baby.
* *
“ Don’t try and make this worst , you come and bring me out of my world show me that the one you live in is better and then you leave me there with all the memories of you, everything and everywhere is you. I want to go back , go back to my world where you never existed .. I try everyday I try every fucking day and it doesn’t work. All i need you to do is just stay away from me. “ I’m almost begging , how could he hurt me so badly it just didn’t make sense. He reaches out for me and I step further away.
“ Heajung I just don’t want you to be miserable... “
“ This is fucking worst than anything Yunho, what do you know about being miserable, you have the perfect life, parents , money , anything you ever wanted “ I tightened my grip on my bag “ If you think proving myself to your mother is miserable , then you obviously don’t know me“ I leave him in the park that night.
* *
“ All i’m asking is for you to stay away from my son , he doesn’t need low life like you hanging around him for his wealth, tell me how much you want and I’ll give it to you , what is a sum of money for my son’s future “ She takes out her cheque book from the side of her bag and flips to an empty one. “ So how much girl ? “
She can even open her mouth to speak to shocked by the wealthy women’s actions .
“ I don’t need your money “ is the only reply she deems fit.
“ Oh don’t be silly , everyone wants money the only thing that is going to make your life better is money child, I have more money than what Yunho will ever have , just name me your price and...”
They’re interrupted by the sound of Heajung’s phone ringing, she stares at it only to see Yunho’s name and picture flashing on it. It made her even more determined to stay with him and prove to this woman that things didn’t always go her way and that money didn’t always work.
She lifts her head and smiles at the woman “ You can keep your money, I’ll be with Yunho as long as he wants to be with me “ She gets out of the car and leaves. She knows that or fact that Yunho loved her irregardless of these things and he wouldn’t leave her because his mother demanded too. Because Love was enough right? Right.
* *
Home , was a huge apartment that was empty now. Empty of another person’s voice and laughter. The clothes that hung to dry were much less and now she only cooked for one. Yunho bought it for us and paid it out front within 2 months of his allowance. I was against the idea at first but Yunho had packed out everything I owned and sold the dingy one. He moved all my belongings into this new place and told me if I loved him I didn’t have a choice.
I’m 22 this year, working. We were together for 2 years. What do I know about first loves and trust. To give my all to someone who had saved my life. I’m not mad or angry at him for leaving. I’m mad at myself for not trying harder to make him stay. Still living in that sadness that was me.
* *
One night on Heajung’s parent’s death anniversary she had disappeared the the cemetery to be alone because this was something she felt she should deal with by herself. Finally after so long she felt the courage to go to where they lay and pay her respects. She had left her cell phone at home unintentionally and didn’t return home till the early morning. Her shoes wet from the morning due at the cemetery. She tried her best being silent and keyed in their house lock password and waited for the machine to beep and stepped in. Leaving the drenched shoes at the door she heard the shutting of the bedroom door and cringed. Hoping he’d be asleep and not waiting.
Yunho steps into the light of the doorway , he’s completely awake with a very unreadable expression on his face. “ Where were you ? “ is the first thing he says when the girl steps into the living room .
“ Out , had some stuff to do nothing much why aren’t you sleeping ? “ hurried and short .
“ Are you really asking that ? “ he follows her to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.
“ Yunho , it was nothing , You don’t always have to worry about me “ she reaches to him and presses her palm to his cheeks.
“ Nothing?! You don’t bring your phone out and come home at 4 fucking am in the morning, all i can do is wait for you here and worry about what could have happened to you. And you tell me not to worry , who am I to you Heajung ?! “
“ Yunho... “
“ You could have just left me a message that you had something on and that you’d be late at least i can expect you to be late but .....fuck you know what , just do whatever the hell you want , you only know you’re suffering , you don’t know about me suffering seeing you like that “ he slams the door to the extra room leaving her out in the kitchen.
The next morning she gets up to find the house empty, she checks the guest room to find no one and returns to the warmth of her own bed. Curled up into a tiny ball she can’t help but feel guilty for leaving Yunho out of so many things in her life. She ‘s only been with him for less than a year and he’s done so much for her , so much she’s lost count. Its not intentional, her actions , its fear of judgement and fear itself.
“ I’m sorry “ she whispered to her sheets as a tear slid down eye. Her first tear in 5 years.
He gets home in the afternoon with groceries and steps into a quiet house. The dishes on the table feels painful because she still made breakfast after having shouted at her the night before. Gently he lifts the cover and picks up an piece of french toast enjoying the rich flavor from it. His favorite .
“ You’re home “ he turns around to see the chef clad in his old t-shirt and shorts. Her finger gently rubbing her eyes open.
“ yeah i went to the market.“ he wants to say more but it gets choked up when he notices tear tracks and puffy eyes.
“ Okay , remember to eat , i’ll leave you alone now “ she retreats back into her room fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. Yunho wants to kick himself , because she’s not one to express her emotions , properly , crying was not part and parcel of her life. It was hard because she had forgotten how too.
He stares at the food appetite lost . Tracing her foot steps back into the room he sees her curled up in a ball on top of the quilt .
“ Baby “ he whispers as he shifts her so to pull the quilt over her. She makes a small noise of acknowledgment and replies so softly he almost misses it. “ I’m sorry Yunho-ah , please don’t leave me , everyone leaves me“. His heart breaks a million times over as he tells her quietly over and over again that he’d never go , how could her ever leave his heart.
* *
Occasionally i come by something that belongs to him. He moved lots of his things out when he left somethings he forgot and left behind. Maybe he didn’t want anything to do with them. Maybe i was one of those things.
I sit by the bed and stare at the wall of pictures he had put up. We bought lot of random frames to decorate the huge wall behind the bed. Some were of us , some were of his friends , some were just of me or him. My world had nothing in it and when he came it filled everything up so my friends were his friends they treated me the same and cared for me like friends would. When he left they went too , well they did try to be there for me but as time grew the reasons to meet were little almost none and soon like him they were a memory that i was not sure even existed.
My tummy decided that it needed to be fed in the evening I grabbed my bag and pushed the bicycle out deciding to ride it down to town for dinner. There wasn’t any food at home. I stop abruptly just when I get to the lobby of the block to see him standing out there waiting for someone. How foolish of me to hope it wasn’t me.
“ Heajung-ah “ he calls when he sees me. I can only walk towards him. What was the point of running.
“ Did you leave something behind ? “ I asked.
“ No.. I... I actually dont know why I’m here, I think i wanted to see you” I smirk at him and try to cover up the sudden drop of my heart.
“ Just go , don’t wast both our time” I hold fast my bicycle and push past him but he catches my hand just before i’m out of reach.
“ Heajung “
“ Let go Yunho “ I struggle to pull my hand out of his vice like grip but he won’t let go , the bicycle has fallen and hit the ground with a loud crash but that doesn’t hold him back either.
“ Heajung , please... please look at me . . . “ i tear my eyes from the ground and meet his. They were empty, jaded and .. and regretful. I take a deep breath to find my voice. Regret? He wanted this why should he regret now after everything.
“ What do you want ? “ His eye brows furrow together like he’s trying to hold back from letting go. He stays silent and I ask him again “ What is it ? “
“ How have you been ? “ Is the first thing that comes up and I try hard to not slap him across his face.
“ You know what , I’m not going to pretend “ I’m in disbelief. “ I’m not fine Yunho, not at all I’d appreciate it , really , if you just left me alone , now would be best “ He still doesn’t let go , but with a final tug I’m two steps away and picking up my bicycle brushing off the dust from the seat. He stays where he is and watches me.
“ And what difference would it make now Yunho? When everything you said before has just become a lie . . “
* *
“ Why do i let you speak so informally with me ? “ Yunho asks one day while they’re curled up under the sheets body’s pressed against one another.
“ Because you love me and love is fair and equal “ she replies as she snuggled closer for warmth. Winters were wonderful , but they still froze up. The floors were not heated so it was almost torturous to walk on them. Yunho had forgotten about winter when buying the apartment , luckily the air-conditioners were wonderful heaters. As long as they weren’t bare footed it was more or less fine.
“ Yunho-ah how did I become so lucky ? “ she asks.
“ Whats with us and the 10 questions this morning ? “ he teases
“ I just want to hear it , to know its real “
“ Because you’ve lost so much , god wanted to be fair and he sent me , your bestest present ! “
She nods and looks at him straight in his eyes. Yup , she was one lucky girl.
* *
He grabs her hand and drags the bicycle carelessly behind them. I’m shouting at him but all my protests are gone completely unheard. The ride in the lift has me screaming telling him that “ You shouldn’t do this unless you’re staying Yunho so fucking let go of me ! “ He’s silent all the way up. The bicycle is dumped against the shoe rack and he shuts the door behind us.
Both of us are panting at the anger and frustration, at least I’m angry that he’s doing this.
I run towards him and push him back out towards the door “ Get out Yunho, please just get out now , I don’t have to deal with you , its so fucking hard just go” the tears are running down my face , utterly out of control.
“ I love you “
“ NO! YOU DON’T GET OUT YUNHO! “
“ I love you Heajung ”
“ go awayy Yunho please “
“ I’ve never stopped.”
I’m holding onto him and falling to my knees hitting the floor and scraping them at the same time. My body trembling with tears and the shortness of my breath. My heart couldn’t take this. I’m a crying mess at my door steps. I’m a crying mess infront of me. I’ve lost my mind and body when he kneels down and pulls me so close and flush against his chest.
“ I’m so sorry Heajung , I know its not enough but I’m sorry , I always will be , “ he whispers those words over and over again. Like a chant to hypnotize me to fall asleep.
* *
She see’s him and the first thing she does is run over and throw her hands around him. Taking in a deep breath of air infused with his favourite cologne.
“ Lets go home and I’ll cook “ She offered but he just gave her a half hearted smile and turned towards the car.
The ride home was silent she took small glances at him but he kept himself busy with the road ahead. “ Yunho , whats the matter you’ve been quiet the whole time.”
“ Nothing , just stop asking “ he replies and turns the radio on i attempts to drown out her voice. Because today he had to do it, he had to leave her before his mother tried to ruin her life. The car pulls up outside their apartment but no one makes the first move to get out of the car.
Yunho has his hands fast on the steering wheel gripping on it like it meant his life. His knuckles were already turning a pale shade of white.
Heajung reaches out and squeezes the boy’s hand gently, her voice soft , filled with care and worry. “ Yunho-ho whats the matter , its odd to see you so quiet “
He turns to look at her , his eyes blank and awfully dark.
“ Heajung , lets break up. “
* *
When i’m wake up my head heavy from all the crying I’m lying on the couch in his arms he’s fallen asleep too. I shift a bit to move away but he holds me tighter , “ let go Yunho , “ he doesn’t say anything still and I bite his hand which produces a loud “ fuck is wrong with you ?! “ as he jolts up and rubs his forearm.
“ I said let go and you didn’t “ I mumble. The moment i made any movement to stand up he’s caught my wrist and pressed me flat down on to couch.
“ Stop running , you’re always running “
“ What the fuck can I do instead Yunho “ all the tears and sadness had turn into a ball of anger.
“ Just stay and... “
“ and what ? and wait for you until you deicide that you want me back? YOU told me that this was worth it that YOU would bring me out from everything that had killed me before, why the fuck should I listen to anything YOU are saying, knowing it could just be another lie a temporary fix. “
His eyes softened and his hands relax.
“ I never meant too “
“ I’m moving out Yunho”
“ What ?! Why , Heajung you can’t go back there its horrible “ “ It was my life Yunho, incase you forgot ”
“ But its over “
“No... This right here , this is over, you ended it , i need to go back to where i belong now ”
“ You can’t go back there Jjungie” the endearment slips from his lips and I stop breathing.
“ You have lost the right to call me that anymore Yunho ”
I hear my heartbreaking again , meeting him reliving all the pain was something I could never get use too. He gets off me and I pull myself away from him back up against the other side of the couch. He watches me slip out of his grasps. I wanted to understand why, why he had done what he did. Throw me aside rid me of my beliefs and understandings. I knew that love could die, we could grow sick of each other and break up. I didn’t know that when it ended abruptly it was this painful and ridiculous.
Getting up from the couch I open the door and stand there , my eyes glued to the empty space outside.
“ I love you so much Yunho, so much it breaks my heart everytime I see you in school , see you on the streets or see you here like this. I want to get over you , forget you , try and not let you seep into my thoughts every time so you need to go , you need to leave right now and never come back “ I don’t know why I was being so stubborn , but i figured it was simply because I didn’t know why he was back. Was he back to break my heart again or stay for good. He hadn’t said anything since he came who was I to assume anything.
He gets up and grabs his bag , i feel his eyes never leaving me. Stopping just before the door, he pulls out the red gloves i had careless knitted for him never doing anything like this in my life. They didn’t fit well and looked a tad awful but he wore it anyway both winters we had spent together.
“ You should take this ,but they still keep me warmer than anything, can I keep it still? “ he asks.
I nod. What would i do with them anyway. I realized he never told me he wanted to stay , and as I gently shut the door on him and us, I felt like maybe this was the way things were always meant to be. The door is moving , I’m pushing it against its frame but in a moment it doesn’t move anymore and its forced towards me.
I see Yunho again and suddenly I’m pulled with one strong tug towards him. He’s crying I see it before I fall forward , taking a deep breath i brace myself but then I don’t hit the ground or anything that hurts.I’m engulfed by that familiar smell and the most addicting taste on my lips. I feel him tremble against me and the shiver makes me cry.
The kiss is filled with hurt , its salty from his tears maybe mine. Its painful from the impact but it seemed to numb every other hurt from my body.
“ I’m sorry , if i hurt you please hit me , kill me , shout at me just... just don’t tell me to go because I know you’re hurting , I am too, when I saw how you went by everyday I wanted to kill myself for doing this too. But I had to wait , wait till I have everything in my hands so that you would never need to worry about anything when we wouldn’t be at my mothers mercy. So I let you go , I told you to go , so you wouldn’t be my mothers target , I would come back for you but I couldn’t tell you so that it would be so much more convincing. I’m sorry Heajung , i’m here now , I’m here now baby , I’m here please don’t do this to yourself. “
My mind is a blank. He had done everything for us, to save us to protect us. The amount of hurt he had to put us through was unbearable but he was here now.
“ I hate you , I hate you so much “
“ I know .... i know Jjungie “
I don’t correct him this time.
* *
“ Things change Heajung , not everything is going to stay and perfect as you wish it too”
“ But this shouldn’t change “
“ I grow up and I want different things, working to get my dad’s empire back is my top priority right now and you’re going to be a distraction. Mother was right , I need to get my thoughts straight and not waste time on unnecessary things. “
He can’t look at her when he says these things because it hurts when he see’s that look of hurt and confusion on her face.
“ Unnecessary . . you tell me that this is what makes life different , it made mine different , did something happen Yunho? “
“ No , we should just , find our lives back , this was all a mistake Heajung , really , and I really dont mind if you hate me for this “
She’s still in the car her hands trembling and all Yunho really wants to go is to reach out for her and calm her down , ease the pain that is building in both their hearts but he knows better than to do it. For them , for all the time they will be together later when this storm blew over. When she forgave him for this.
“ I’m sorry, if I .... If there was something I did wrong , not telling you where I was and stuff , I never meant it but. . . I should go “ she pulls the handle of the door and the click reminds her that the moment she steps out that this might be the end. Right?
“ Take care Heajung , forget about me if it hurts too much , I will by tomorrow “ are his last words she she shuts the door.
Don’t go , she prays.
Theres a click when he locks the doors, as he revs the engine up. She looks at him too shock to react not knowing what had hit her so hard and painful.
Yunho.whats wrong ? she asks but she knows he can’t hear her. A nod and he steps on the paddle the car slowly moving out of the drive way.
The car carried him and her heart
The car drives off. She’s now empty.
* *
When the tears have dried up and the pain temporarily numb , we sit ourselves in the kitchen as I watch him cook us dinner. It looks un real , it looks like I was imagining this like I had many times. He give the soup a last stir before turning the knob and carrying it to the table.
“ Eat “ he nudges me a little bringing me back to the moment.
I nod in reply and pick up my chopsticks but not really doing anything with it. Dinner was silent even though we both weren’t really eating.
“ Heajung ? “
“ Hmm? “ my eyes focused on counting the rice grains in my bowl.
“ Aren’t you hungry ? “
I shake my head and put my chopsticks back down beside my bowl.
He stops pretending to eat , and his chopsticks hit the table too.
“ Do you want me to cook something else ?”
I shake my head offering a small smile and excuse myself from the table. My foot steps are heavy when I walk out of the kitchen , heavier as I drag my body to the toilet. The lights were not on and I felt my way but something catches my hand in the dark and I almost loose my balance and fall but a pair of arms hold onto me . It circled around me from the back engulfing me into warmth. I still struggle against it making a run for the bath room and shutting the door behind me.
“ Open the door Heajung ! “ his voice is painful and the words are forced out, even i feel the strain on my throat. “ Open it please , please Heajung “ he rattles the door knob but it doesn’t work and he hits the door with his fist. I’m almost sure it must be bleeding already. I’ve lost my voice , I’ve forgotten what I want to say to him , what I should say actually., everything is just hurtful words and painful memories.
“ Heajung , I know you hate me and I would too, I would have killed me if I didn’t know I was doing this for us “ his breaths are short and staggered.
“ I would have killed me for doing all that to you but I just wanted to comeback and see you one last time incase you couldn’t forgive me. I will leave right now Heajung if you can’t forgive me. I know I wouldn’t forgive me either , just open up Heajung , tell me you can’t forgive me and I’ll go “
The door clicks and I pull it open to face him. He pulls me towards him releasing a breath he had been holding onto the entire time.
“ Yunho .... “ he pulls me apart and looks at me , brushing my hair out of my face and his thumbs brushing the tear tracks away.
His smile is pleading but he is trying his best to not let me feel his fear even though i feel it anyway.
“...... maybe we should.... well “ I want to say, try again , start afresh , but he doesn’t hear as he slowly lets me slip.
“ I don’t think I can bear to hear it “ he says.
I grab on to him but he lets go shaking his head and steps away from me , each step I make towards him he takes 2 steps back until we’re almost at the end of the hall way.
“ Yunho “ i run towards him and throw my arms around his neck. “ Don’t go Yunho , everyone goes , everyone has gone or can go , anyone but you, you can’t go.”
I feel him laugh as he tightens his hold around me.
* *
“ I love you “ he whispers when he finds her curled up in a ball my knees pressed against her chest, hidden in an empty classroom. Hidden away from the world but only he will ever find the girl, HIs hands are warm when they hold gently onto face.
“ I love you Heajung , and I will be there for you so you don’t have to face this world alone. We’ll do it together , your hand in mine. Unafraid and determined we both have things to overcome and two is alway better than one “
She laughs a little at how it rhymes and his face has that cheeky glint but its all sincere. They both know it.
“ So take my hand and believe that this world has better things that needs us to appreciate, that includes me of course “
He leans down and presses a small kiss to her forehead.
“ I love you too Yunho-ah “