All my lies are always wishes
Sorry I'm late
It started out as any bitter Valentine’s Day conversation might. Spotting an overly amorous couple on the quad we look away in disgust. Just who are these people, these people who buy into this crap? It’s commercial, it’s trite, it’s cruel. And why are we left out? Why are we so unlucky? The conversation continues along these lines, smoothly, according to formula, when the unexpected happens. He gets this look on his face - puzzled at first, then increasingly horrified. It looks as though he’s had an awful epiphany. And he has.
You have a boyfriend
This is true, though up until this very point in the conversation I had forgotten that fact.
Yeah, but you know, it’s Jim. -I laugh- I mean, he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. He’ll probably avoid me on purpose - but he’s not convinced.
But you have someone - he looks a little shocked, a little amused, but mostly betrayed.
But I’m not… I’m not celebrating though… I mean really, it happens all around me and I don’t get to be part of it.
Who cares?
Well…
Tell me, Emily, when was the last time you were alone on Valentine’s Day? And I don’t mean technically, I mean when was the last time you were actually alone? - I think, I blush, I stutter, but I don’t reply, because I don’t know how to tell him it was four years ago. - You can’t complain - and I can’t. I’m left out, even of that. The complaining and the bitterness don’t belong to me anymore. And it’s strange because I miss it, and it’s strange because I’m bitter that I can’t be bitter. To make things worse, he’s looking at me with that face that he had early directed at the couple - a little sad, a little jealous. And I can’t deal with him looking at me that way, so I take a last stand.
I don’t feel… that of all people I should have to explain to you why my relationship is different - because it is, it’s not this thing that it’s supposed to be
But you love him. And he loves you. So… that’s all there is. - And he’s right, so I’m done. And I look over at him and I look really hard and I see something incredible in his face. I see the way he closes his eyes when he laughs, the way she can put anything on and still look impeccably cool, his hands, the things she puts in letters, the stories he tells, the way sugarcube kills him, the way his arms feel around you, the way her nose scrunches up, the way he seems to know everything, the uncontrollable joy when he’s around. I see all of these people at once and my heart just kind of breaks open and I think, you know, wow. They’re perfect. These people… in what bizarre and convoluted universe could they possibly be lonely? How with all my failings did I stumble into what I have? I’m not happy all the time, and I’m often lonely and conflicted, especially these days, but I have this. And I find myself wishing for some huge magical mirror that I could reflect back to him everything I see, because I can’t find the words to tell him what he ought to know, to tell him that this whole thing is just utterly absurd, that I don’t deserve what I have, and that he deserves so much more. I couldn’t see how to say any of it though, so I didn’t say anything at all.
But I’m trying now.
ps - Like my new picture? Thank Patrick!
It started out as any bitter Valentine’s Day conversation might. Spotting an overly amorous couple on the quad we look away in disgust. Just who are these people, these people who buy into this crap? It’s commercial, it’s trite, it’s cruel. And why are we left out? Why are we so unlucky? The conversation continues along these lines, smoothly, according to formula, when the unexpected happens. He gets this look on his face - puzzled at first, then increasingly horrified. It looks as though he’s had an awful epiphany. And he has.
You have a boyfriend
This is true, though up until this very point in the conversation I had forgotten that fact.
Yeah, but you know, it’s Jim. -I laugh- I mean, he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. He’ll probably avoid me on purpose - but he’s not convinced.
But you have someone - he looks a little shocked, a little amused, but mostly betrayed.
But I’m not… I’m not celebrating though… I mean really, it happens all around me and I don’t get to be part of it.
Who cares?
Well…
Tell me, Emily, when was the last time you were alone on Valentine’s Day? And I don’t mean technically, I mean when was the last time you were actually alone? - I think, I blush, I stutter, but I don’t reply, because I don’t know how to tell him it was four years ago. - You can’t complain - and I can’t. I’m left out, even of that. The complaining and the bitterness don’t belong to me anymore. And it’s strange because I miss it, and it’s strange because I’m bitter that I can’t be bitter. To make things worse, he’s looking at me with that face that he had early directed at the couple - a little sad, a little jealous. And I can’t deal with him looking at me that way, so I take a last stand.
I don’t feel… that of all people I should have to explain to you why my relationship is different - because it is, it’s not this thing that it’s supposed to be
But you love him. And he loves you. So… that’s all there is. - And he’s right, so I’m done. And I look over at him and I look really hard and I see something incredible in his face. I see the way he closes his eyes when he laughs, the way she can put anything on and still look impeccably cool, his hands, the things she puts in letters, the stories he tells, the way sugarcube kills him, the way his arms feel around you, the way her nose scrunches up, the way he seems to know everything, the uncontrollable joy when he’s around. I see all of these people at once and my heart just kind of breaks open and I think, you know, wow. They’re perfect. These people… in what bizarre and convoluted universe could they possibly be lonely? How with all my failings did I stumble into what I have? I’m not happy all the time, and I’m often lonely and conflicted, especially these days, but I have this. And I find myself wishing for some huge magical mirror that I could reflect back to him everything I see, because I can’t find the words to tell him what he ought to know, to tell him that this whole thing is just utterly absurd, that I don’t deserve what I have, and that he deserves so much more. I couldn’t see how to say any of it though, so I didn’t say anything at all.
But I’m trying now.
ps - Like my new picture? Thank Patrick!