Strong
I didn't update for almost a week, and it shows.
Yesterday was bad. Yesterday evening at least. It's always the evenings that are bad... At first I could still handle it by writing the bad thoughts away
Artificially Silent
I open the window a little wider, lean a little farther out of it. Are you there? I think, too scared to say the words out loud. A breeze caresses my hair and I shiver. I inspect the black wall of trees that imprisons me, but my eyes only meets darkness. Everything is quiet, but you can be quiet too. Are you there? I hear your voice breathe softly in my ear and I close my eyes.
You and I are together, together in the forest, and you and I are lying on the grass. It’s night. I look around and suddenly see it’s in the middle of the day; why didn’t I notice the sun shining before? Confused, I frown and look at you, silently asking you a question, but you smile and I smile back and then it’s okay.
You tell me to open my eyes, and I do, because I always do what you ask. Not because I have to, but because I want to and because you want me to as well. You and I love each other. I love you, I think. I hear you frown; you’d rather I said it out loud, but you and I both know that’s not possible right now.
You and I are together, together in your house, and you and I are lying on your bed. You look at me and I look into your endless blue eyes. But weren’t your eyes green? I suddenly wonder. I blink my eyes and yours are green. I frown and look at you, silently asking you a question, but you smile and I smile back and then it’s okay.
You put your hands on my shoulders and pull me close to you, protecting me from the breeze. I smile, unthinkingly, and see the invisible man in the corner of the room watching me. The smile disappears from my face, but you know that’s not because I do not love you. I want to smile, but you and I both know that is not possible right now.
You and I are together, together in the night, and I don’t know where I am. I stand up, and suddenly you are gone, but when I turn around you are standing behind me. I laugh nervously. I love you, I think to you. You shake your head. I do, I think. You shake your head. My eyes start watering. I turn around and you’re standing in front of me again. You are going to leave me. Suddenly the sun appears from behind the clouds. Wasn’t it night? I look at you, silently asking you a question, but you do not smile and I do not smile back and I am confused.
I start shaking in your embrace and the invisible man in the corner takes a step forward. I want to talk to you, I think.
Your mouth is in a straight line and your eyes are cold. Where are you? I think. You shake your head and I think you didn’t hear me well. “Where are you?” I ask out loud, not thinking of the rules you created. You and I are a secret, and you and I can’t talk in front of others. But you don’t smile and I don’t smile back and I am confused.
The invisible man in the corner is silently, slowly becoming visible as he steps forward into the moonlight. I close my eyes.
“Where are you? Where are you? What’s going on?” You sigh. You’re not worth it, you say out loud. “What do you mean, I’m not worth it? Not worth what?” Panic starts creeping in and I feel two hands closing around my neck. Not worth me, you say, looking bored. “But you said, you said, you and I!” The hands are everywhere, around my neck, around my waist, my wrists. My wrists start bleeding in the places I know the scars are. “You always knew!” I shout. “You always knew I wasn’t worth it!” You nod and I know you and I are no more, there’s just you, and me.
If I opened my eyes now I’d see the invisible man as he really is. I know that. I keep them shut tightly.
Everything begins to turn black, but I see you punch my mirror, breaking it, and you grab a shard. You come closer. You were never worth it, you yell, and you hand me the shard. I shake and I can’t stop and the hands are choking me and I can’t get out. “What…” I begin, but the hands around my neck tighten their grip and I see blood running down my shirt. You know what you have to do, you say, your face serious, but almost laughing. You’ve been practising, haven’t you? you ask, pointing at my wrists, where all my scars are visible. I close my eyes, but it doesn’t help; I can see right through my eye lids. End it, you command. I don’t want to see you anymore, nobody wants to see you.
I realize you’re right and I take the shard from you and rip it across my wrists, my throat. The hands have disappeared and so have you, but the blood is real, and suddenly someone storms into the room, takes the shard from me. I open my eyes and see the broken mirror, the small cuts on the knuckles I punched the mirror with, and the larger cuts that are now allowing me to bleed to death. I close my eyes and smile, because I am happy. You are gone, you can’t control me anymore; it’s all over and I win. I hear an ambulance in the distance but ignore the siren, and concentrate on the silence in my head. Everything doesn’t turn black, but it turns white; pure and clean. You are gone. I am alone.
I collapse on the floor and the invisible man kneels down next to me. “Don’t leave me,” I beg, but I’m not talking to the doctor. I’m talking to you. I love you. I love you and I together. But you shake your head. I grab your shirt, but all I feel is air between my fingers. Faintly I hear the doctor call for help. I look at my outstretched arm - gripping nothing - and the white bandages. I scream. I scream louder, and then even louder, until I’m sure my ear drums are almost breaking. I pull at the white hell, that reminds me of the time I thought I was all alone, done forever. I rip off the bandages and pull at the stitches until I can’t anymore, because I’m being held down to the floor by a nurse. I feel a needle enter my arm and I know they’re sedating me. I feel smooth round pills in my mouth and swallow automatically and then everything is silent again. Artificially silent.
And it did work, I felt better. But then I felt worse and I cut myself anyway. But I don't mind right now. I don't mind anything right now. I feel empty and alone. I feel like I'm slipping away. I feel like I've been fighting something much stronger than I. I feel like I'm finally losing the fight. And I feel like I don't want to fight anymore. Like I'd like to slip away. It'd be so easy... so much easier than fighting.
I'm not strong enough.
Somebody read my mind today, but I don't know who did, and that frustrates me. It makes me feel anxious and scared and powerless, not knowing who knows. Maybe I'm imagining things. I seem to do that a lot lately. Often I see people standing in the room I'm in, but when I look at them they're gone. Or I hear invisible people talking to me. Sometimes they tell me to mess things up. Sometimes they tell me to fail a test. Sometimes they tell me to cut myself deeper. And I'm not strong enough to resist them.
All these emotions are confusing me.
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me