I am not doing homework today, thus:
Here are the articles i already have. They are all offensive and un-edited. Great!
PDA: Not Cool in School
by Daniel Zainulbhai, Bobby Kennedy, and Adriane Quinlan
(Note: all quotes in this article were actually said.)
Jewish Day School, October 17, 2002:
In the bustling cafeteria of this private, religious high school, most students are quietly sipping on their juice boxes and complimenting each other’s pocket protectors. They are unprepared for GDS.
While their compatriots on the math-team swapped calculator programs, an un-named couple proceeded to swap saliva. This deliberate abuse of school policy was so flagrant that a JDS student shoved a sign reading "NO PDA" in front of the abusers’ problem set.
"To battle against societal norms, I have sex in public places," said one of the offenders.
"It’s okay depending on how tasteful it is, but I don’t like to see students groping and grappling each other," said English Teacher Alison Fastov. "Occasionally I’ll even intervene and say something to someone."
Following JDS’s outstanding intervention, a few anonymous GDS students embarked on a quest to halt the PDA that had infiltrated the hallways. A sign was hung in the senior corner that read, "No PDA: Not Cool In School."
"I ripped [the sign] in three pieces," admitted Senior Adrian Bondy. "And I know it was you, Zainulbhai."
Upon a rumor that Senior Daniel Zainulbhai created the sign, History teacher Bobby Asher said, "Let’s just say I’m an ardent supporter of absolutely everything Daniel Zainulbhai does. I support him wholeheartedly across the board, in all of his endeavors."
Senior Jennifer Douglas supported the sign, "The sign was not only appropriate, it was necessary. This incident further underlines the fact that this is not an institution for learning, but for pornography."
"I don’t like to see students making out," said jealous English Teacher Chris Thompson, "I like to think of you as completely asexual, charming, lovely children."
"I think PDA is absolutely horrific," said Senior Justin Parker. "I think it’s the most horrible thing imaginable."
"PDA offenders should be chastised, crucified, paraded in front of the school, and laughed at…I was a ‘PDA Policeman’ for Halloween," said previous offender Alex Bryson. "If I was doing it, no punishment, but seeing two anonymous seniors disgusts me…They should wear electrically charged collars that shock each other when they come in contact."
Watching students massage each other’s tongues has profound effects on students and faculty. "I think people who partake in PDA should pay for my depression pills. They make me lonely," said Senior Jennifer Douglas. "They should also reimburse the scarred children who are stuck with that image in their mind every time they sit down and try to enjoy pornography."
"I just saw a particularly heinous example of PDA the other day," said an "anonymous" vice principal. "A couple pinching each other’s cheeks is a little too far. I don’t mind if it involves me, but other than that it’s gross."
"I think I have to go [crucify them all and] eat lunch now," he continued.
"I’ll get the [stakes]," said one Senior from across the hall.
"Sometimes I feel harassed," said perpetrator Alexis Gaines. Meanwhile, the founders of the No PDA campaign were digging through Upper Tech for last year’s "Jesus Christ Superstar" set.
Head of School Wins 2002 National Rhetoric Award for "Am-EE-nah West" Speech:
Speech Written in Iambic Pentameter Gains Favor with the Judges
Adriane Quinlan
WASHINGTON, D.C. July 10, 2002:
The marble steps of the Capitol Building were crowded with eager, bright-eyed contestants who had moved through the hierarchy of regional speaking contests to arrive at the podium of the National Rhetoric Awards. For many, this brief moment, poised in front of a crowd of hundreds, is the culmination of years of hard work, and the highlight in a life-long career of public speaking.
Mr. Branch swept the awards with a speech originally written to present Aminah West ’02, a star student, with the prestigious Director’s Award.
"At first I was confused," Ms. West admitted, "my name is pronounced AH-mih-nah, and Peter Branch pronounced it Ah-MEE-nah." History teacher Topher Dunne was equally perplexed, " I thought the head of school didn’t even know the name of one of the most accomplished students in the class of 2002, the name of the student whom he, after hours of deliberation, chose to award the Directors’ Award to. But then I understood that he was really stressing the second syllable because of his strict adherence to the Shakespearean meter."
Aminah West is proud of Mr. Branch’s efforts. She even showed up to the competition and sat in the sweltering July heat to cheer him on. "I just love the speech," she said. "It’s not often that one comes across a Principal who’s so in touch with his students, and at the same time, such a brilliant scholar of poetic form and an accomplished rhetorician."
Upon receiving the award, Mr. Branch spoke with the press. When asked why he had chosen to write the speech in such a difficult and passé form, Mr. Branch squinted and heaved his eyebrows. "What’s iam-BEE-k pentameter?"
Student who Calls in Sick Not Actually Sick
Paul Levy was abhorred to find that Senior Jenni Douglas lied about her absence last Monday. "I am disappointed in Jenni. I thought she was a nice girl, but she has betrayed the GDS Honor System. She can no longer be welcome into our community of trust." Her scandalous behavior was exposed when attendance officer Meredith Alexander drove seventy-two minutes into the nether-regions of Potomac and broke into Douglas’s house, destroying a cat door, three small glass figurines, a precious collection of souvenir spoons, the front door and most of the stairwell.
"There aren’t many students with the gall to flagrantly violate the attendance policy. And if there are any left, I can guarantee they won’t be around for long," said Alexander, splitting the infinitive while re-calibrating the sight on her 12 gauge.
R. Kelly dubs GDS’ Halloween Dance a ‘Resounding Success.’
"I wish I had gone there," said convicted felon, R. Kelly, upon hearing that the GDS annual Halloween Dance degenerated into a hedonistic sex fest. "I dub this Halloween Dance a ‘Resounding Success.’"
ON THE INSIDE:
Adam Hughes Tells Funny Joke: Classroom Stunned, Pigs Fly
Gordon Jones Escapes From Rehab
The School’s Endowment Continues to Shrink
Senior Caged in Guantanamo Bay ‘Kennel:’
Police Point to SUV Parked on Ellicott as Justification
Bushy Eyebrows Found to be an Unfair Advantage in GDS Power Struggle
PDA: Not Cool in School
by Daniel Zainulbhai, Bobby Kennedy, and Adriane Quinlan
(Note: all quotes in this article were actually said.)
Jewish Day School, October 17, 2002:
In the bustling cafeteria of this private, religious high school, most students are quietly sipping on their juice boxes and complimenting each other’s pocket protectors. They are unprepared for GDS.
While their compatriots on the math-team swapped calculator programs, an un-named couple proceeded to swap saliva. This deliberate abuse of school policy was so flagrant that a JDS student shoved a sign reading "NO PDA" in front of the abusers’ problem set.
"To battle against societal norms, I have sex in public places," said one of the offenders.
"It’s okay depending on how tasteful it is, but I don’t like to see students groping and grappling each other," said English Teacher Alison Fastov. "Occasionally I’ll even intervene and say something to someone."
Following JDS’s outstanding intervention, a few anonymous GDS students embarked on a quest to halt the PDA that had infiltrated the hallways. A sign was hung in the senior corner that read, "No PDA: Not Cool In School."
"I ripped [the sign] in three pieces," admitted Senior Adrian Bondy. "And I know it was you, Zainulbhai."
Upon a rumor that Senior Daniel Zainulbhai created the sign, History teacher Bobby Asher said, "Let’s just say I’m an ardent supporter of absolutely everything Daniel Zainulbhai does. I support him wholeheartedly across the board, in all of his endeavors."
Senior Jennifer Douglas supported the sign, "The sign was not only appropriate, it was necessary. This incident further underlines the fact that this is not an institution for learning, but for pornography."
"I don’t like to see students making out," said jealous English Teacher Chris Thompson, "I like to think of you as completely asexual, charming, lovely children."
"I think PDA is absolutely horrific," said Senior Justin Parker. "I think it’s the most horrible thing imaginable."
"PDA offenders should be chastised, crucified, paraded in front of the school, and laughed at…I was a ‘PDA Policeman’ for Halloween," said previous offender Alex Bryson. "If I was doing it, no punishment, but seeing two anonymous seniors disgusts me…They should wear electrically charged collars that shock each other when they come in contact."
Watching students massage each other’s tongues has profound effects on students and faculty. "I think people who partake in PDA should pay for my depression pills. They make me lonely," said Senior Jennifer Douglas. "They should also reimburse the scarred children who are stuck with that image in their mind every time they sit down and try to enjoy pornography."
"I just saw a particularly heinous example of PDA the other day," said an "anonymous" vice principal. "A couple pinching each other’s cheeks is a little too far. I don’t mind if it involves me, but other than that it’s gross."
"I think I have to go [crucify them all and] eat lunch now," he continued.
"I’ll get the [stakes]," said one Senior from across the hall.
"Sometimes I feel harassed," said perpetrator Alexis Gaines. Meanwhile, the founders of the No PDA campaign were digging through Upper Tech for last year’s "Jesus Christ Superstar" set.
Head of School Wins 2002 National Rhetoric Award for "Am-EE-nah West" Speech:
Speech Written in Iambic Pentameter Gains Favor with the Judges
Adriane Quinlan
WASHINGTON, D.C. July 10, 2002:
The marble steps of the Capitol Building were crowded with eager, bright-eyed contestants who had moved through the hierarchy of regional speaking contests to arrive at the podium of the National Rhetoric Awards. For many, this brief moment, poised in front of a crowd of hundreds, is the culmination of years of hard work, and the highlight in a life-long career of public speaking.
Mr. Branch swept the awards with a speech originally written to present Aminah West ’02, a star student, with the prestigious Director’s Award.
"At first I was confused," Ms. West admitted, "my name is pronounced AH-mih-nah, and Peter Branch pronounced it Ah-MEE-nah." History teacher Topher Dunne was equally perplexed, " I thought the head of school didn’t even know the name of one of the most accomplished students in the class of 2002, the name of the student whom he, after hours of deliberation, chose to award the Directors’ Award to. But then I understood that he was really stressing the second syllable because of his strict adherence to the Shakespearean meter."
Aminah West is proud of Mr. Branch’s efforts. She even showed up to the competition and sat in the sweltering July heat to cheer him on. "I just love the speech," she said. "It’s not often that one comes across a Principal who’s so in touch with his students, and at the same time, such a brilliant scholar of poetic form and an accomplished rhetorician."
Upon receiving the award, Mr. Branch spoke with the press. When asked why he had chosen to write the speech in such a difficult and passé form, Mr. Branch squinted and heaved his eyebrows. "What’s iam-BEE-k pentameter?"
Student who Calls in Sick Not Actually Sick
Paul Levy was abhorred to find that Senior Jenni Douglas lied about her absence last Monday. "I am disappointed in Jenni. I thought she was a nice girl, but she has betrayed the GDS Honor System. She can no longer be welcome into our community of trust." Her scandalous behavior was exposed when attendance officer Meredith Alexander drove seventy-two minutes into the nether-regions of Potomac and broke into Douglas’s house, destroying a cat door, three small glass figurines, a precious collection of souvenir spoons, the front door and most of the stairwell.
"There aren’t many students with the gall to flagrantly violate the attendance policy. And if there are any left, I can guarantee they won’t be around for long," said Alexander, splitting the infinitive while re-calibrating the sight on her 12 gauge.
R. Kelly dubs GDS’ Halloween Dance a ‘Resounding Success.’
"I wish I had gone there," said convicted felon, R. Kelly, upon hearing that the GDS annual Halloween Dance degenerated into a hedonistic sex fest. "I dub this Halloween Dance a ‘Resounding Success.’"
ON THE INSIDE:
Adam Hughes Tells Funny Joke: Classroom Stunned, Pigs Fly
Gordon Jones Escapes From Rehab
The School’s Endowment Continues to Shrink
Senior Caged in Guantanamo Bay ‘Kennel:’
Police Point to SUV Parked on Ellicott as Justification
Bushy Eyebrows Found to be an Unfair Advantage in GDS Power Struggle