Picking on Heartstrings
Hi. It's been a while. :)
This one's actually my first time, writing in present tense. Never again. orz
Again, dedicating this to Tipco, Kaia, Pistol, Wolfie and Baby vy. <3
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There she is, leaning against the wall by the lockers and looking so damned gorgeous in a white oversized button-up shirt, skin-tight skinny jeans and a pair of faded red sneakers. Her brown hair falls over her eyes and covers half her face as she looks down and fiddles with her phone. A sling bag is hanging on her shoulder, her thick jacket is messily draped over it and a beautiful white acoustic guitar stands next to her; its neck is leaning lightly against her thigh. Huffing, she looks up and glances around, probably looking for the same girl she always waits for at that same spot. Her eyes search along the hallways and amongst the crowd moving to and fro, walking past without a second glance at her.
Truthfully, she isn’t looking her best today. Her hair is messier than usual, her eye bags seem to be more noticeable lately and her shirt has creases on it from playing the guitar. Even her skinny jeans look old and tattered. She doesn’t even have much make-up on; possibly just some light foundation. She isn’t popular and doesn’t seem to hang out with a lot of people. She blends pretty well in the crowd, looking like your average girl next door.
It doesn’t matter though because Tiffany notices her and looks at her a lot so Tiffany’s convinced that she would look breath-taking even in sweat pants, an old shirt and bed hair. It doesn’t matter because that girl has somehow caught Tiffany’s attention and Tiffany thinks she’s beautiful. Tiffany looks at her a lot and she knows a few things about her, like how she’s always with one other girl more than the other three girls she hangs out with, or how she carries that guitar everywhere even if she obviously has too many things in her hands. Tiffany notices a few other things too, like how she has the gentlest pair of eyes, a mesmerizing chin-dimpled smile and a loud boisterous laugh. Tiffany looks at her a lot and ironically, she doesn’t even know her name.
Tiffany looks away somewhat casually as she’s about to look her way. Tiffany bites on her lower lip nervously and pretends to look for something in her locker, randomly moving a few things around. She ends up putting her jacket into her locker, moving it randomly, and taking it back out before sneaking another peek at her. Her heart stumbles over a couple of beats when those familiar brown eyes gaze right back at her. Crap. Hard as she tries she can’t look away or maybe she just doesn’t want to.
Locked in a torturous uncomfortable eye contact -well at least for Tiffany -for what seems like an eternity - again, for Tiffany - and her breath gets caught as she’s suddenly greeted with a charming chin-dimpled grin; one that she has seen countless times but this time it’s meant for her. One smile and just like that, her mind blanks out. The next thing Tiffany sees is the retreating back of her walking away with her friend, who has appeared suddenly out of nowhere. Tiffany shakes her head, she must have imagined it. Yeah, that’s it. I imagined that. Hah, what the he- Her thoughts stop abruptly when the girl turns slightly, looks right at her again and gives her another smile before turning around a corner.
Woah... She closes her locker, suddenly feeling disoriented. She’s about to lean against her locker when a voice startles her.
“I see progress,” drones a familiar distinctive voice, making her jump.
“Geez, you have to stop sneaking up on me like that, Sooyoung,” she replies, placing her palm against her pounding heart, not really sure whether it’s due to those two smiles from her or her idiotic best friend’s sudden appearance. …or both.
“I’ve been standing here for ages, stupid. You were too busy staring at your crush to notice,” Sooyoung states, chuckling. “So….. Four months and someone got noticed,” she continues, with a sleazy wiggle of her eyebrows.
Tiffany feels her cheeks burning up as her best friend smirks. It has been four months since Tiffany first noticed her and just a little less than four months that she has had the biggest crush on her. “She smiled at me,” she says dreamily. “Twice.”
“She did, she did. She smiled that adorable smile you go on and on about,” a teasing smile appears on her best friend’s face again. “Did I miss something? Did you finally gather enough guts to talk to her or something?”
“No,” Tiffany answers, frowning and shakes her head. “No, I didn’t do anything.”
“Well, what are you waiting for? She noticed you, for absolutely no reason too because you look like a hobo right now,” Sooyoung replies, earning her a glare which she ignores as she nudges Tiffany’s elbow to get them walking to their next class. “Go make your move before someone else sweeps in and takes her from you.”
“I don’t even know if she plays on the same team. She could be straight… hell, she could already be taken,” Tiffany mumbles bitterly.
Sooyoung sighs, putting her arm around Tiffany’s slumped shoulders. “You don’t know that for sure, though. Try. You might be surprised. You’d regret it if she does play on your team and someone else got to her first.”
Try? She pouts and nods thoughtfully. Maybe, maybe I will.
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Tiffany lets out a deep sigh, watching the small puff of cloud escape her almost-frozen lips. She checks the time on her wristwatch; it’s been half an hour. For half an hour, she’s been standing there, freezing and shivering under her thick clothing. Her lips are numb, her nose is red and running, and there are flecks of snow in her dark hair. She sniffs and shakily wipes her nose with a crumpled napkin before stuffing her hand back into the pockets of her jacket, berating herself for not wearing gloves. She snuggles more into the thick red woolen scarf around her neck until half her face is hidden. She shifts her weight on her tired feet, her eyes still searching around and observing every single person who walks past her.
Honestly still feeling so utterly stupid, she knows she should have expected it. It is kind of her fault, she guesses. It didn’t stop her from leaving her apartment with the biggest hope earlier that day though. The big bag of hope she had carried with her seems to be leaking in content with every minute that passes by but ironically, it seems to be weighing her down even more. Somehow, she thinks, with every minute that passes as she waits expectantly in the snow in front of the warm cozy cafe, that she should just leave or at least wait inside. The anticipation, though, is keeping her grounded so there she is, still standing in the snow after half an hour, praying that she hasn’t been stood up, if it can even be considered that since she hadn’t actually given the other party a choice to reject her invitation.
The girl must have been freaked out when Tiffany had a spur of dumb irrational courage with stupid Sooyoung’s stupid words stupidly swimming in her stupid head for the whole week. Tiffany had momentarily lost her mind and had asked the girl out suddenly, out of nowhere, when she had seen her for the nth time alone at the quiet corner of the school’s library, doing an assignment. The same girl she’s been crushing on for months.
Tiffany sighs as she can vaguely remember babbling and stuttering hastily that she had seen her around and would like to go out with her if the latter hadn’t minded. Tiffany had stated the time and place of when she would like to see her, before running off like a total coward. Approximately fifteen seconds of spontaneous stupidity passed before the realization of what she was doing had sunk in and remembered that she wasn’t even sure if her crush was even into girls or available. Tiffany didn’t even ask for her name or tell her hers before her brain had caught up with her and told her to make a run for it.
She remembers the adrenaline wearing off as she leaned against the wall outside the library, heart racing and face flushed, and she had just really wanted to bury herself in a hole from the embarrassment. What was done was done, though, and she wondered if it was worth it.
Tiffany thinks about her and really likes her a lot, considering that that girl is someone she doesn’t even know the name of. She remembers the first time she had seen her months ago, in that same quiet corner of the library that no one really goes to because it was too far back.
The girl with soft-looking brown hair had her head propped on a hand and was nodding off. Her books lay open in front of her and her white guitar stood resting against the table. Tiffany had been lingering around one of the nearby shelves to find a certain book she needed for her assignment and ended up watching the girl doze off for at least a whole minute. She had watched her and had to stifle her laugh when the girl’s hand gave way and her head jerked up at the sudden lack of support. She remembers the girl’s confused face and cute attempt at waking herself up just before she started to doze off again. Tiffany might have stayed a little longer if it wasn’t for her phone vibrating and her friends asking if she had found the book because they wanted to grab lunch. She was about to resume looking for the book when she realized it had been right in front of her the whole time she had been staring at the girl.
After that, it seemed like she started to see her everywhere. The first time Tiffany saw her smile was to the cafeteria lunch lady. It was soft and polite but it was genuine, just like a lot of her other following smiles that were showed to random people whom Tiffany was sure weren’t even her friends. The way that her eyes kind of smile along as they twinkle, that little dimple at the corner of her chin that appears and a glow that seems to be emitting from her whole being, Tiffany remembers thinking it might have been the most endearing smile she had ever seen.
The first time Tiffany had heard her laugh and heard her voice was when the girl was with a friend and happened to walk pass her in the hallway. It was deeper than she expected and strangely smooth. It kind of reminded her of hot chocolate; comfortingly warm and rich. The hallways had been chaotic, with students walking to their next class but Tiffany managed to hear it clearly above the other noises she deemed insignificant for those brief 5 seconds that the girl was within earshot. After that, one encounter led to another and Tiffany just kept on noticing her even along the most crowded hallways. Before she knew it, she had started to look out for her everywhere she went.
Tiffany looks down to her feet and smiles a little at the thought of her as she moves restlessly in attempt to warm herself up. She sniffs loudly, wondering if she really should have just waited inside. A shadow meets the restless shuffles of her feet and she looks up to find herself meeting a pair of questioning eyes. Her breath gets caught in her throat as she sees the person she has been waiting for right in front of her; face half covered by thick cream-colored scarf, clad in thick black jacket that went down to her thighs, dark blue skinny jeans and black boots. She even has her guitar bag slung over her shoulder. Tiffany notices the cute woolen beanie that she has on with a pretty huge puff ball on the top and unconsciously grins at how adorable it looks on her. Her face grows slightly warm from the sight of the girl staring at her with an unreadable expression, as she feels a rush of relief, knowing that she didn’t wait in vain.
“H-hi,” Tiffany manages to say through her chattering teeth.
The girl frowns. “You’re freezing. Why didn’t you wait inside?”
Her grin widens. “I didn’t know if you’d come… Can we go in now, please?”
“Yeah. Let’s go before you get sick,” the girl replies hastily, walking ahead of Tiffany and opening the door of the cafe. She stands aside and gently guides Tiffany inside first with a hand on the latter’s back.
Tiffany sighs contently at the warmth of the place, too relieved to get out of the cold to notice the little gesture as she is again pushed gently towards two seats near the window. As she takes a seat, not bothering to take off her coat or scarf, she had expected the other girl to take the seat before her but is surprised when the latter merely puts her guitar down on the floor by the table and walks away instead. Tiffany watches confusedly as she goes up to the cashier and tells the waiter something briefly before making her way back to their table.
“I hope you like hot chocolate,” the girl says when she reaches Tiffany, taking off her scarf and jacket, leaving her in a yellow sweater, before taking the seat opposite of her. She takes off her beanie and fixes her hair a little before continuing, “I got you one, on me, since I made you wait so long.”
Tiffany isn’t one to turn down a free cup of hot chocolate, so she smiles appreciatively. “Thanks,” she replies, still trying to warm herself up by rubbing her hands together. She looks at her hands ceaselessly trembling and frowns, wondering if it’s due to being half-frozen or the nervousness that’s beginning to creep into her.
“So…”
Tiffany hears her start and she looks up to meet the inquisitive gaze of the girl.
“I’m Kim Taeyeon,” the girl says, flashing another smile, taking off her gloves and offers Tiffany her hand.
Tiffany smiles shyly and shakes it. “Tiffany Hwang,” she replies, hoping that her voice wouldn’t be as shaky as her hand is, and for a moment, her smile falters as Taeyeon starts to frown.
She watches as the girl offers her gloves to her. “Wear it, you’re really cold,” Taeyeon tells her.
Tiffany wishes she could deny it but she really is freezing so she hesitantly takes them and puts them on. She sighs in relief as the gloves warm her hands. It didn’t seem to help much with the trembling though. “Thanks.”
The air turns awkward and Tiffany diverts her gaze to look around her, trying to ignore the unreadable gaze Taeyeon is giving her. She racks her brain, trying to think of a conversation to start. She realizes that even though she had hoped Taeyeon would show up, she really hadn’t exactly expected her to do so and thus, hadn’t really prepared what she would do if Taeyeon really did come. She clears her throat, thinking she can just go with asking the girl about herself. That can be a good start.
“How do you know?” Taeyeon asks before she could even open her mouth.
“Huh?” Tiffany meets her gaze again and notices the sudden hint of worry in her eyes. “Know what?”
“If I… you know,” she tries to explain, gesturing to the both of them. “This... me, how do you know?”
Tiffany frowns and as she tries to make sense of Taeyeon’s broken reply. She searches her eyes and she realizes with a start as she manages to put together what Taeyeon had meant. “I- I don’t.”
Taeyeon looks at her skeptically, making Tiffany shift restlessly in her seat. The waiter comes with their drinks and she thanks him before he excuses himself from their table.
“You don’t know?” Taeyeon leans back in her seat, seemingly scrutinizing her. “You don’t know but you asked me out?”
“No, I don’t.” Tiffany sighs dejectedly, suddenly feeling bad about the situation. Maybe this was a bad idea… “I’m sorry, if this is too uncomfortable for you. You don’t have to sta-”
“Oh no, no,” Taeyeon interrupts suddenly, shaking her head frantically and waving her hands. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
Tiffany tilts her head, feeling confused. She watches as Taeyeon sighs and looks away. Taeyeon looks troubled and she didn’t like that; especially if it was her fault the girl was feeling that way. “Are you sure?”
The girl nods and sighs again. She fiddles with her coat on her lap and Tiffany thinks she looks kind of vulnerable that way. She’s never seen Taeyeon that way before and it worries her.
“It’s just…” Taeyeon pauses, looking confused with herself. “Even I don’t know if I... you know, and I thought if you knew, you could tell me.”
Tiffany leans back in her seat and pulls the scarf around her neck loose, finally feeling warm enough. She wonders how she could help the girl but she didn’t know how. She remembers the first time she had realized she wasn’t straight and remembers it really being a very confusing time for her too. She understands now why Taeyeon is so troubled.
“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be confused,” she states, hoping she isn’t being too direct and offend the girl. “It takes time, really. I’m…,” she hesitates briefly, “I’m not that comfortable to admitting it, still.”
Taeyeon looks at her again and her eyes spoke volumes. She’s scared. Tiffany remembers being that scared too and she wishes to comfort her but she doesn’t know what to say either.
“When did you know?” Taeyeon asks softly.
To be honest, Tiffany never liked talking about it. Like she said, she isn’t that comfortable admitting it yet but she figures if it can make Taeyeon feel better, she wouldn’t mind. “Um, about 2 years ago,” she answers.
Taeyeon nods a little. “And… um… just girls or, like, both?”
“Just girls.” She diverts her gaze elsewhere and shifts in her seat, noticing that Taeyeon nodding again and looking down. She sighs inwardly and faces her again. “It’s okay, you can ask me anything.”
She sees reluctance before Taeyeon looks at her again. “Have you… dated any before?”
Tiffany chuckles and grins when she sees Taeyeon’s confused expression. “Not really. I’m not that comfortable about it, remember?” she replies. “When I was slightly more accepting about this, uh..,” she pauses and wonders if she should say it, “…you kind of caught my eye by then. So… you’re sort of the first... ” She looks away once it was out, casually pick up her cup and taking sip.
“O-oh,” Taeyeon stutters. Tiffany notices the small blush on the girl’s cheeks that probably matches her own and hides her smile behind her cup. She’s so cute. “And..um, when was that?”
Still holding her cup up to cover part of her face, Tiffany lets a small smile linger on her face. “Almost four months, maybe?”
Neither said anything else after and knowing that Taeyeon is probably thinking a lot, Tiffany busies herself with her cup of hot chocolate that’s, thankfully, still pretty warm. Feeling significantly warmer, she puts her cup down and takes off her coat and scarf along with Taeyeon’s gloves. Lazily laying the coat and scarf on her lap, she places the gloves neatly in front of Taeyeon, next to the latter’s cup. She wonders if Taeyeon would give her a chance if the girl’s still pretty confused about the whole preference thing. I hope she does but I don’t really wanna force her into anything though...
As if the girl had heard Tiffany’s thoughts, Taeyeon speaks up again. “I… don’t know if I can… with this,” she says slowly, as if she was afraid it might hurt Tiffany’s feelings and honestly, it did but just a little because Tiffany had expected as much. “I mean, I think I’m not ready yet but… I don’t mind… hanging out with you… more often. If it’s okay with you, that is.”
“Like as friends, you mean?” Tiffany asks, she wants to know what Taeyeon wants clearly just so that she wouldn’t put unnecessary hope in whatever they’re going to be. Friends… I could do with that, I guess.
Taeyeon bites her lip thoughtfully. “No, like… to get to know each other better, but not really… date…yet, maybe. Just… to see where it goes, you know?”
She wants to take it slow? Tiffany looks at her in surprise, not expecting that at all. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah… if you’d like,” Taeyeon replies, fidgeting nervously.
I’d love that. A grin appears on her face and she nods a little too excitedly. “Yeah, I’m okay with that.”
Taeyeon chuckles, grinning widely as she noticeably relaxes in her seat. “So…” she starts, “um... do you wanna eat something?”
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“Woah, easy there,” Tiffany says as she manages to wrap her arm around Taeyeon’s shoulders, pulling her closer as she tries to prevent the girl from bumping into a rushing passer-by.
Tiffany turns to glare at the stranger who mumbles an apology without slowing down as he bumps his shoulder against Taeyeon’s guitar bag a little, pushing the latter more against her. She realizes her arm is still around Taeyeon when she feels the girl squirming uneasily before pulling away from her.
“Thanks,” Taeyeon mutters, giving her a small smile and creating a little distance between them.
She’s uncomfortable again. Tiffany holds back a sigh and nods her head, choosing not to reply as they continue to walk towards the diner nearby for lunch. After a month of regularly meeting up, Tiffany’s aware that certain things make Taeyeon uncomfortable so she tries to be wary around the latter. Most of the times, they act like they’re normal friends but sometimes -rarely - Tiffany feels like they can be more. Sometimes, unconsciously, Tiffany does certain gestures that isn’t that big of a deal but will make Taeyeon extremely awkward, things that involve physical contact or Tiffany accidentally blurting out random compliments.
She’s able to learn a lot about Taeyeon, though. Like how the girl hardly blushes but when she does, it’s undeniably the cutest thing Tiffany has ever seen. Or like how the girl is always calm and composed but when she’s caught off guard, will be flustered and nervous. Things like how caring and attentive Taeyeon can be when she doesn’t think too much of her actions, and even how distant and cold she can be when she does think too much around Tiffany. She always feels sorry after giving me the cold treatment though, Tiffany realizes amusedly.
They continue to walk in silence and stop at the traffic light, waiting for the lights to change. Tiffany isn’t aware of the stolen glances from the other girl so when she feels fingers loosely slip between her own, she looks down in surprise. Looking up questionably at the quiet girl, Tiffany finds her looking around casually as she adjusts her guitar strap on her shoulder. I don’t get you, Kim Taeyeon. She smiles as the red man turns green and Taeyeon tugging on their somewhat linked hands that are almost hidden between them.
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Push and pull.
That’s exactly what Tiffany feels like she’s going through every time Taeyeon is around. It’s been almost two months since they started spending time together and it has honestly been hot and cold with Taeyeon. She tries to be understanding and most of the time she is but sometimes, she isn’t. They’ve been spending time with each every other day, including texting or calling every day. There have been improvements and yet sometimes, it’d seem like they’re back to square one.
Sometimes, Tiffany gets so confused that she doesn’t know what to do because at one moment, Taeyeon seems to be comfortable and adorable but the next minute, she can be cold and distant. Tiffany often wonders if she had done something wrong and most of the time, when she asks, Taeyeon says she hadn’t. Recently though, it’s been completely opposite personalities. One minute, they could even pass off as a couple and not a minute later, it’d be like they’ve just met. Then, Tiffany starts to wonder if Taeyeon’s bipolar. Of course that’s just her exaggerating the situation.
Tiffany gets confused but she never really gets upset over it. Not until she sees some girl flirt shamelessly with Taeyeon and the latter shyly reciprocating it. Tiffany’s pretty darn sure the unknown girl isn’t one of Taeyeon’s friends. Taeyeon would never act like that with a friend. Tiffany watches them for a while and her mind mercilessly mocks her at her current situation.
Surprisingly, Tiffany realizes that people with her kind of preference really did have some sort of radar and that quite a few in her school actually swing that way. Of course, Tiffany won’t deny there were a few girls who tried asking her out but she had never, ever, given them any attention, let alone flirt back. Here she is, though, looking at Taeyeon flirting with a girl in the hallway.
She watches as Taeyeon be all cute and shy towards the unknown girl when for two whole months, Tiffany had to be careful with her actions around her because Taeyeon’s still pretty sensitive about the whole ‘discovering oneself’ thing. She watches as the flirty girl lean forward and whisper in Taeyeon’s ear. She watches as Taeyeon giggles and hits her playfully.
Taeyeon. Flirting, with another girl. In the flipping hallway, where people are actually around.
The more she watches and thinks about it, the more it burns her. It burns her and it hurt a whole lot too. When Taeyeon’s eyes meet hers, she scoffs at the look of surprise and turns to walk away as she feels pure anger rise from the pit of her stomach and filling her up fast. Her whole body is reeling in jealousy and hurt. She needs a breather and she needs it fast. She takes deep breaths and clenches her fists, holding in the urge to just punch the daylights out of someone as she moves against the flow of the other students heading to class.
“Tiffany!” She hears Taeyeon calling and fastens her pace. “Tiffany, hey! Wait up!”
I do not wanna deal with you right now, just go aw- She almost groans out loud when she feels a tug on the long sleeve of her top and turns to face her. “What do you want?” she snaps.
Letting go of her sleeve, Taeyeon looks puzzled. “Why are you… did I do something wrong?”
She rolls her eyes and scoffs loudly. “Really, Taeyeon? You’re asking me that?”
Taeyeon frowns. “Yeah, I am. What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” Tiffany almost laughs at the question. Aware that they are still in public with other students walking by them, she struggles to keep her voice low and leans closer to Taeyeon, “For someone who’s so confused about her preference, you sure as hell look like you enjoyed having a girl flirt so openly with you.”
Surprised, Taeyeon shakes her head frantically. “It’s not-it’s not like that…” she says, grabbing hold of Tiffany’s sleeve again.
She softens at the pleading soft brown eyes. “Really? What was it like then because I don’t know, Taeyeon?” Tiffany looks down at her hold on her sleeve. A while ago, you were touching her arm and pushing her playfully when you can’t even touch my hand properly without being weird about it… She closes her eyes, feeling drained. She takes a step forward and leans her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder, noticing the latter stiffening up. She sighs, lifting her head up and smiling bitterly. “You’re confusing me, you know…? One minute you seem okay with this and another you’re pushing me away,” she says softly.
Taeyeon looks away but her grip on Tiffany’s shirt tightens. Why can’t you look at me? Tiffany frowns, realizing Taeyeon looking away a lot when they’re talking.
“Then I see you flirting wit-,” she pauses. What is she supposed to say anyway? We’re not even together. It really, really, hurt and Tiffany feels her eyes grow warm. “You know what, forget it. I’m sorry, it’s not like we’re dating anyway, right?” she pauses again but Taeyeon didn’t reply nor move. Right. She clears her throat as her vision starts to blur. “Well, I’ll see you… whenever, then.”
She pushes Taeyeon’s hand from her sleeve gently and turns away before Taeyeon can see her eyes. “Tiffany…” she hears Taeyeon calling her softly and ignores it as she makes her way to leave the school building.
Tiffany decides against taking a bus and continues to walk down the pavement, thinking about Taeyeon. Gorgeous, talented, smart, adorable Taeyeon. She sighs. She knows that no matter what, when Taeyeon calls her phone later on, she will pick up. She knows that she’s in too deep. Tiffany blinks her eyes hard, trying to clear her vision. It gets frustrating, whatever they are, and she honestly doesn’t know what Taeyeon feels or thinks most of the time but she’s in too deep to get out that easily.
She knows she won’t leave until Taeyeon tells it to her straight that they couldn’t happen. She knows of the heartbreak that would come with that. Well, she thinks she does. She just hopes, if that happens and she’s prepared, then maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe. She sighs and kicks a pebble on the ground. She knows but she can’t deny the happiness she feels from just being around her. She sighs again.
Slowing down her pace, Tiffany rubs and wipes her wet eyes. It hasn’t been five minutes since she left school, carelessly skipping her last class, but her phone’s already ringing. She stops walking and takes it out of her pocket, staring at Taeyeon’s picture and name blinking endlessly on the screen until it stops. She will pick up her call later, maybe, but not too soon. She’s still bitter and hurt, and even though she’s honestly starting to regret her little outburst, she really just wants to avoid having another one. She figures she can just call her back once she has calmed down a little more, or pick up the calls that will surely still be coming in later that day.
Stubborn Taeyeon, she thinks rather fondly before shaking her head, noticing that her heart heals a little the more she thinks about everything that she has learned from the past months. Everything she loves about her, she smiles a little. Love, her smile falters. Well, that’s just fantastic...
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“I’m sorry,” she hears Taeyeon say for the 3rd time since the start of the call. “I really am.”
Tiffany hasn’t said a thing since she answered Taeyeon’s 72nd call that day. She didn’t want to but it’s past midnight and the latter didn’t seem like she’d give up. That’s what she reasons but she knows it’s because she didn’t want to drag the tension between them out into another day. Or maybe it’s the fact that Taeyeon’s efforts in contacting her are pretty commendable. Maybe she does care after all.
“Tiffany,” Taeyeon calls out softly. “Please, say something.”
She sounds so sad and helpless that Tiffany palms her face with her hand as she rests her elbow on her knee. The scene she witnessed earlier that day repeats in her mind and her heart aches again. Her emotions run wild and she didn’t know which to focus on. The anger, the hurt, the jealousy, the confusion or the possible love she has for the person on the other end of the line?
“What do you want me to say, Taeyeon?” she asks wearily, trying to ignore the feelings welling up in her. “What should I say?”
“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon apologizes. Again.
“I know you are, but…” she trails off. Her mind’s too clouded and her heart’s numbing from the hurt. “Do you want to stop this? Maybe it’s better if-”
“No,” Taeyeon interrupts and her tone surprises Tiffany a little. She sounds almost angry. “No, I don’t want that. I’m really sorry okay? It’s… Just… I...” A groan.
Tiffany feels her own anger rise. She didn’t get it. Taeyeon seems more comfortable with another girl. Then maybe it’s not Taeyeon who’s the problem. Maybe I’m the problem, she thinks. Tiffany can’t think straight with all the confusion and the hurt she never thought could be so suffocating. As far as she knows, she doesn’t think she’d be able to take it if Taeyeon rejects her later on anyway, especially for another girl.
“How am I supposed to feel right now, Taeyeon?” Her voice rises a little. “How? Put yourself in my shoes. You’re more comfortable with a girl you barely knew than you are in the past 2 months with me. Obviously you like her or something, whatever. Why don’t you just date her th-”
“Can you stop?” Taeyeon snaps irritably, her voice rises slightly as well. “It’s not like that!”
She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. “What is it like, then?” Tiffany counters, her voice straining as she stops herself from raising it again. She didn’t really want to get into a yelling argument. “What is it about me that makes it so hard for you?”
“I just… it’s- you…” A louder groan. “You confuse me so much, okay?”
“Excuse me? I confuse you?” Tiffany asks, holding back the urge to just hang up. Unbelievable. “I thought I was clear enough about how I feel about you? What about me confuses you so much?”
A brief pause and Taeyeon lets out a soft sigh. “Everything,” she replies softly. “Everything about you confuses me.”
She frowns, not understanding where the conversation’s going, but she’s too tired to get any more upset than she already is so she waits instead for Taeyeon to say more.
“This is really hard for me. Not this as in us. Not this, me and you. ‘This’ as in this thing about me,” Taeyeon continues. “And it’s so frustrating at times but I’m adjusting. It’s… it’s getting better.”
Is it? Tiffany raises her eyebrows skeptically at that, even though Taeyeon wouldn’t be able to see it.
“And- and maybe I might’ve liked the attention she was giving me. It-was new, to me.” She pauses. “But it… she could never-she’s not you, okay? It’s different. I… I never- I mean, she doesn’t confuse me-” A deep breath and Taeyeon tries again. “I mean, she doesn’t make me feel… things, like you do.”
Tiffany doesn’t quite understand but something in that last line calmed her down. Are you starting to feel the same way? Just when she’s about to say something, Taeyeon speaks again.
“I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” she mutters softly. “I’m still getting used to this and-I just-” she pauses again. “Please, Tiffany, don’t give up on me yet.”
Tiffany heaves a heavy sigh, knowing she could never say no to that.
---------------------------------------
There she is, leaning against the lockers and looking so damned gorgeous in that baby blue pull-over Tiffany got for her, black jeans and a pair of faded yellow Converse sneakers. Her brown hair falls over her eyes and covers half her face as she looks down and fiddles with her phone. A sling bag is hanging on her shoulder with her cardigan messily draped over it. Her guitar is nowhere in sight. Huffing, she looks up and glances around.
Their eyes meet and Tiffany instantly receives that smile she adores. She grins in return and approaches her.
“Hello, stranger,” Tiffany greets playfully. “You’re leaning against my locker.”
“Oh, hi,” Taeyeon replies, her smile widening. “Sorry, gorgeous. Here,” she counters, moving aside.
Tiffany feels her heart flutter and her face heating up as she opens her locker, pretending to not be affected. She sees Taeyeon lean sideways against the locker next to her, just watching her and Tiffany stops herself from smiling at the warmth filling her up. She doesn’t show it much anymore but she loves it when Taeyeon’s near. It’s almost like the girl has become her personal comfort zone. She can never deny how much Taeyeon makes her happy, how much she makes her feel at ease whenever she’s near, and how much she wants to hold her.
It’s been a month since their argument and Taeyeon’s been different, in a good way though. In a way, Tiffany realizes that she’s been different too. While Taeyeon’s been more wary and cautious of her actions, Tiffany’s been a little more distant than before.
The first week after the incident was awkward and Tiffany was still cold but Taeyeon tried and tried, and she just couldn’t find it in her to be a jerk to Taeyeon for too long. She remembers the day she stopped being so cold to Taeyeon. She remembers the slumped shoulders and dejected look she had caught when she stole a glance at the girl as they were going home. Taeyeon had looked so small that Tiffany felt like she was being too hard on her.
The second week, they were almost back to normal and while Tiffany stopped trying, Taeyeon seemed to be trying more instead. It was funny - amusing, even - how it was like their roles were reversed. Tiffany had noticed how Taeyeon initiated most of their calls and texts, and how Taeyeon seemed to be smiling more around her too. She even stopped tensing every time Tiffany gets a little too close or let a random compliment slip.
The third week was the time Taeyeon started to be really sweet. Always complimenting her, or calling her affectionate names randomly. Although the way Taeyeon said them was a little stiff and awkward, as time passes, it became more natural and Tiffany could tell from the familiar twinkle in Taeyeon’s eyes as she says them that she had always meant it. Even the way she gazes at Tiffany, had something really warm about them.
Tiffany feels a slight tug on the hem of her blouse and turns to find Taeyeon playing with it mindlessly as she looks down with pursed lips and slightly puffed cheeks.
It only started the week before, that Taeyeon’s been touchier. How she’s been initiating more; holding hands, standing or sitting closer to her and she almost gave Tiffany a heart attack when she decided to give her a back hug to surprise her during one of their outings. Taeyeon stopped bringing her guitar in the same week too. That guitar meant a lot to her, that Tiffany knew. It wasn’t just a hobby for her, it was passion. It was sort of Taeyeon’s comfort zone but one day, she stopped bringing it when they went out and eventually, she just stopped bringing it altogether. When Tiffany had asked why, she merely shrugged.
Tiffany bites her lip when Taeyeon frowns a little more, making the cutest thoughtful look ever.
“Please don’t do that,” she says, catching Taeyeon’s attention.
The girl looks up and stops playing with Tiffany’s shirt. “What?”
“Stop looking so cute,” Tiffany says, hesitating briefly before deciding to throw caution to the wind. She lowers her voice, “It makes me wanna kiss you.”
Tiffany chuckles at Taeyeon’s look of surprise before looking down and exchanging her books in her bag to the ones from the locker for the next class.
It must’ve caught Taeyeon off guard to have something that strong come from her after a while. Tiffany’s been holding back a lot, afraid to feel the hurt she had felt before. Recently, though, it seems like she’s had another change of heart. Maybe it’s Taeyeon’s pleasant changes or maybe it’s her own growing feelings for the girl but suddenly Tiffany doesn’t feel as scared anymore.
I wonder if she’s rea- , her thoughts stop abruptly as she feels an arm slip around her waist from the back. That’s the boldest move, before Tiffany could turn, she feels a kiss at the side of her head. Her hand instinctively holds the edge of her locker as she stumbles a little, very much like her heart did. She feels Taeyeon instinctively hold her a little closer.
Tiffany turns and her breath hitches as the proximity between them. “What are you doing?” she asks softly, aware that they’re still in the hallways.
Hallways, she repeats in her head and she makes a move to distance herself but Taeyeon shakes her head. Her gaze’s gentle and warm, yet so unlike previous ones. Tiffany has never seen this look on her before. She blushes furiously as Taeyeon leans closer, their foreheads almost touching.
“Hey, Tiffany,” Taeyeon calls her softly; her own cheeks are tinged pink. She clears her throat nervously as she smiles a little. “I think, I’m okay now,” she says in a hushed voice. “So would you, maybe, want to date me?”
The words resonate in Tiffany’s mind and they sound a lot like music. She couldn’t stop her lips from curving upwards and small chuckles leave her lips.
“Please don’t do that,” Taeyeon mutters suddenly, somewhat shyly. She lowers her voice even more, “It makes me wanna kiss you.”
Hesitating just for a second, Taeyeon steals a quick glance around and leans in so suddenly, Tiffany can barely comprehend a pair of lips pressing softly against hers before the latter pulls away. Taeyeon takes a step back and clears her throat again, awkwardly. She goes back to her previous position, leaning sideways against the locker next to Tiffany’s. Taeyeon looks around nonchalantly, turning beet red.
Tiffany exhales the breath she’s not even aware she’s been holding, feeling lightheaded and disoriented. She stares in disbelief at the girl now looking down and blatantly avoiding her eyes, feeling her own cheeks burn. Just when she thinks Taeyeon couldn’t surprise her anymore, the latter timidly reaches out and plays with her hand.
Tiffany’s confused but she couldn’t help beaming at the gesture. Everything about Taeyeon at that moment, she captures in her mind. Everything she’s feeling at that very moment, she hopes to remember. Her heart flutters, skips and stumbles.
Taeyeon didn’t carry around her guitar anymore, Tiffany remembers, as she looks down to the hands lightly playing with her fingers. Taeyeon no longer needed it though, Tiffany figures as she places her free hand on her pounding chest. She’s busy picking on heartstrings.
****************
Originally written as a submission to Taeny's thread celebration (for reaching the 1527th page) ---idk what to call it, but a bunch of writers got together and there's like a mass Taeny story compilation lol. Here it is: Taeny In All Forms.
This one's actually my first time, writing in present tense. Never again. orz
Again, dedicating this to Tipco, Kaia, Pistol, Wolfie and Baby vy. <3
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There she is, leaning against the wall by the lockers and looking so damned gorgeous in a white oversized button-up shirt, skin-tight skinny jeans and a pair of faded red sneakers. Her brown hair falls over her eyes and covers half her face as she looks down and fiddles with her phone. A sling bag is hanging on her shoulder, her thick jacket is messily draped over it and a beautiful white acoustic guitar stands next to her; its neck is leaning lightly against her thigh. Huffing, she looks up and glances around, probably looking for the same girl she always waits for at that same spot. Her eyes search along the hallways and amongst the crowd moving to and fro, walking past without a second glance at her.
Truthfully, she isn’t looking her best today. Her hair is messier than usual, her eye bags seem to be more noticeable lately and her shirt has creases on it from playing the guitar. Even her skinny jeans look old and tattered. She doesn’t even have much make-up on; possibly just some light foundation. She isn’t popular and doesn’t seem to hang out with a lot of people. She blends pretty well in the crowd, looking like your average girl next door.
It doesn’t matter though because Tiffany notices her and looks at her a lot so Tiffany’s convinced that she would look breath-taking even in sweat pants, an old shirt and bed hair. It doesn’t matter because that girl has somehow caught Tiffany’s attention and Tiffany thinks she’s beautiful. Tiffany looks at her a lot and she knows a few things about her, like how she’s always with one other girl more than the other three girls she hangs out with, or how she carries that guitar everywhere even if she obviously has too many things in her hands. Tiffany notices a few other things too, like how she has the gentlest pair of eyes, a mesmerizing chin-dimpled smile and a loud boisterous laugh. Tiffany looks at her a lot and ironically, she doesn’t even know her name.
Tiffany looks away somewhat casually as she’s about to look her way. Tiffany bites on her lower lip nervously and pretends to look for something in her locker, randomly moving a few things around. She ends up putting her jacket into her locker, moving it randomly, and taking it back out before sneaking another peek at her. Her heart stumbles over a couple of beats when those familiar brown eyes gaze right back at her. Crap. Hard as she tries she can’t look away or maybe she just doesn’t want to.
Locked in a torturous uncomfortable eye contact -well at least for Tiffany -for what seems like an eternity - again, for Tiffany - and her breath gets caught as she’s suddenly greeted with a charming chin-dimpled grin; one that she has seen countless times but this time it’s meant for her. One smile and just like that, her mind blanks out. The next thing Tiffany sees is the retreating back of her walking away with her friend, who has appeared suddenly out of nowhere. Tiffany shakes her head, she must have imagined it. Yeah, that’s it. I imagined that. Hah, what the he- Her thoughts stop abruptly when the girl turns slightly, looks right at her again and gives her another smile before turning around a corner.
Woah... She closes her locker, suddenly feeling disoriented. She’s about to lean against her locker when a voice startles her.
“I see progress,” drones a familiar distinctive voice, making her jump.
“Geez, you have to stop sneaking up on me like that, Sooyoung,” she replies, placing her palm against her pounding heart, not really sure whether it’s due to those two smiles from her or her idiotic best friend’s sudden appearance. …or both.
“I’ve been standing here for ages, stupid. You were too busy staring at your crush to notice,” Sooyoung states, chuckling. “So….. Four months and someone got noticed,” she continues, with a sleazy wiggle of her eyebrows.
Tiffany feels her cheeks burning up as her best friend smirks. It has been four months since Tiffany first noticed her and just a little less than four months that she has had the biggest crush on her. “She smiled at me,” she says dreamily. “Twice.”
“She did, she did. She smiled that adorable smile you go on and on about,” a teasing smile appears on her best friend’s face again. “Did I miss something? Did you finally gather enough guts to talk to her or something?”
“No,” Tiffany answers, frowning and shakes her head. “No, I didn’t do anything.”
“Well, what are you waiting for? She noticed you, for absolutely no reason too because you look like a hobo right now,” Sooyoung replies, earning her a glare which she ignores as she nudges Tiffany’s elbow to get them walking to their next class. “Go make your move before someone else sweeps in and takes her from you.”
“I don’t even know if she plays on the same team. She could be straight… hell, she could already be taken,” Tiffany mumbles bitterly.
Sooyoung sighs, putting her arm around Tiffany’s slumped shoulders. “You don’t know that for sure, though. Try. You might be surprised. You’d regret it if she does play on your team and someone else got to her first.”
Try? She pouts and nods thoughtfully. Maybe, maybe I will.
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Tiffany lets out a deep sigh, watching the small puff of cloud escape her almost-frozen lips. She checks the time on her wristwatch; it’s been half an hour. For half an hour, she’s been standing there, freezing and shivering under her thick clothing. Her lips are numb, her nose is red and running, and there are flecks of snow in her dark hair. She sniffs and shakily wipes her nose with a crumpled napkin before stuffing her hand back into the pockets of her jacket, berating herself for not wearing gloves. She snuggles more into the thick red woolen scarf around her neck until half her face is hidden. She shifts her weight on her tired feet, her eyes still searching around and observing every single person who walks past her.
Honestly still feeling so utterly stupid, she knows she should have expected it. It is kind of her fault, she guesses. It didn’t stop her from leaving her apartment with the biggest hope earlier that day though. The big bag of hope she had carried with her seems to be leaking in content with every minute that passes by but ironically, it seems to be weighing her down even more. Somehow, she thinks, with every minute that passes as she waits expectantly in the snow in front of the warm cozy cafe, that she should just leave or at least wait inside. The anticipation, though, is keeping her grounded so there she is, still standing in the snow after half an hour, praying that she hasn’t been stood up, if it can even be considered that since she hadn’t actually given the other party a choice to reject her invitation.
The girl must have been freaked out when Tiffany had a spur of dumb irrational courage with stupid Sooyoung’s stupid words stupidly swimming in her stupid head for the whole week. Tiffany had momentarily lost her mind and had asked the girl out suddenly, out of nowhere, when she had seen her for the nth time alone at the quiet corner of the school’s library, doing an assignment. The same girl she’s been crushing on for months.
Tiffany sighs as she can vaguely remember babbling and stuttering hastily that she had seen her around and would like to go out with her if the latter hadn’t minded. Tiffany had stated the time and place of when she would like to see her, before running off like a total coward. Approximately fifteen seconds of spontaneous stupidity passed before the realization of what she was doing had sunk in and remembered that she wasn’t even sure if her crush was even into girls or available. Tiffany didn’t even ask for her name or tell her hers before her brain had caught up with her and told her to make a run for it.
She remembers the adrenaline wearing off as she leaned against the wall outside the library, heart racing and face flushed, and she had just really wanted to bury herself in a hole from the embarrassment. What was done was done, though, and she wondered if it was worth it.
Tiffany thinks about her and really likes her a lot, considering that that girl is someone she doesn’t even know the name of. She remembers the first time she had seen her months ago, in that same quiet corner of the library that no one really goes to because it was too far back.
The girl with soft-looking brown hair had her head propped on a hand and was nodding off. Her books lay open in front of her and her white guitar stood resting against the table. Tiffany had been lingering around one of the nearby shelves to find a certain book she needed for her assignment and ended up watching the girl doze off for at least a whole minute. She had watched her and had to stifle her laugh when the girl’s hand gave way and her head jerked up at the sudden lack of support. She remembers the girl’s confused face and cute attempt at waking herself up just before she started to doze off again. Tiffany might have stayed a little longer if it wasn’t for her phone vibrating and her friends asking if she had found the book because they wanted to grab lunch. She was about to resume looking for the book when she realized it had been right in front of her the whole time she had been staring at the girl.
After that, it seemed like she started to see her everywhere. The first time Tiffany saw her smile was to the cafeteria lunch lady. It was soft and polite but it was genuine, just like a lot of her other following smiles that were showed to random people whom Tiffany was sure weren’t even her friends. The way that her eyes kind of smile along as they twinkle, that little dimple at the corner of her chin that appears and a glow that seems to be emitting from her whole being, Tiffany remembers thinking it might have been the most endearing smile she had ever seen.
The first time Tiffany had heard her laugh and heard her voice was when the girl was with a friend and happened to walk pass her in the hallway. It was deeper than she expected and strangely smooth. It kind of reminded her of hot chocolate; comfortingly warm and rich. The hallways had been chaotic, with students walking to their next class but Tiffany managed to hear it clearly above the other noises she deemed insignificant for those brief 5 seconds that the girl was within earshot. After that, one encounter led to another and Tiffany just kept on noticing her even along the most crowded hallways. Before she knew it, she had started to look out for her everywhere she went.
Tiffany looks down to her feet and smiles a little at the thought of her as she moves restlessly in attempt to warm herself up. She sniffs loudly, wondering if she really should have just waited inside. A shadow meets the restless shuffles of her feet and she looks up to find herself meeting a pair of questioning eyes. Her breath gets caught in her throat as she sees the person she has been waiting for right in front of her; face half covered by thick cream-colored scarf, clad in thick black jacket that went down to her thighs, dark blue skinny jeans and black boots. She even has her guitar bag slung over her shoulder. Tiffany notices the cute woolen beanie that she has on with a pretty huge puff ball on the top and unconsciously grins at how adorable it looks on her. Her face grows slightly warm from the sight of the girl staring at her with an unreadable expression, as she feels a rush of relief, knowing that she didn’t wait in vain.
“H-hi,” Tiffany manages to say through her chattering teeth.
The girl frowns. “You’re freezing. Why didn’t you wait inside?”
Her grin widens. “I didn’t know if you’d come… Can we go in now, please?”
“Yeah. Let’s go before you get sick,” the girl replies hastily, walking ahead of Tiffany and opening the door of the cafe. She stands aside and gently guides Tiffany inside first with a hand on the latter’s back.
Tiffany sighs contently at the warmth of the place, too relieved to get out of the cold to notice the little gesture as she is again pushed gently towards two seats near the window. As she takes a seat, not bothering to take off her coat or scarf, she had expected the other girl to take the seat before her but is surprised when the latter merely puts her guitar down on the floor by the table and walks away instead. Tiffany watches confusedly as she goes up to the cashier and tells the waiter something briefly before making her way back to their table.
“I hope you like hot chocolate,” the girl says when she reaches Tiffany, taking off her scarf and jacket, leaving her in a yellow sweater, before taking the seat opposite of her. She takes off her beanie and fixes her hair a little before continuing, “I got you one, on me, since I made you wait so long.”
Tiffany isn’t one to turn down a free cup of hot chocolate, so she smiles appreciatively. “Thanks,” she replies, still trying to warm herself up by rubbing her hands together. She looks at her hands ceaselessly trembling and frowns, wondering if it’s due to being half-frozen or the nervousness that’s beginning to creep into her.
“So…”
Tiffany hears her start and she looks up to meet the inquisitive gaze of the girl.
“I’m Kim Taeyeon,” the girl says, flashing another smile, taking off her gloves and offers Tiffany her hand.
Tiffany smiles shyly and shakes it. “Tiffany Hwang,” she replies, hoping that her voice wouldn’t be as shaky as her hand is, and for a moment, her smile falters as Taeyeon starts to frown.
She watches as the girl offers her gloves to her. “Wear it, you’re really cold,” Taeyeon tells her.
Tiffany wishes she could deny it but she really is freezing so she hesitantly takes them and puts them on. She sighs in relief as the gloves warm her hands. It didn’t seem to help much with the trembling though. “Thanks.”
The air turns awkward and Tiffany diverts her gaze to look around her, trying to ignore the unreadable gaze Taeyeon is giving her. She racks her brain, trying to think of a conversation to start. She realizes that even though she had hoped Taeyeon would show up, she really hadn’t exactly expected her to do so and thus, hadn’t really prepared what she would do if Taeyeon really did come. She clears her throat, thinking she can just go with asking the girl about herself. That can be a good start.
“How do you know?” Taeyeon asks before she could even open her mouth.
“Huh?” Tiffany meets her gaze again and notices the sudden hint of worry in her eyes. “Know what?”
“If I… you know,” she tries to explain, gesturing to the both of them. “This... me, how do you know?”
Tiffany frowns and as she tries to make sense of Taeyeon’s broken reply. She searches her eyes and she realizes with a start as she manages to put together what Taeyeon had meant. “I- I don’t.”
Taeyeon looks at her skeptically, making Tiffany shift restlessly in her seat. The waiter comes with their drinks and she thanks him before he excuses himself from their table.
“You don’t know?” Taeyeon leans back in her seat, seemingly scrutinizing her. “You don’t know but you asked me out?”
“No, I don’t.” Tiffany sighs dejectedly, suddenly feeling bad about the situation. Maybe this was a bad idea… “I’m sorry, if this is too uncomfortable for you. You don’t have to sta-”
“Oh no, no,” Taeyeon interrupts suddenly, shaking her head frantically and waving her hands. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
Tiffany tilts her head, feeling confused. She watches as Taeyeon sighs and looks away. Taeyeon looks troubled and she didn’t like that; especially if it was her fault the girl was feeling that way. “Are you sure?”
The girl nods and sighs again. She fiddles with her coat on her lap and Tiffany thinks she looks kind of vulnerable that way. She’s never seen Taeyeon that way before and it worries her.
“It’s just…” Taeyeon pauses, looking confused with herself. “Even I don’t know if I... you know, and I thought if you knew, you could tell me.”
Tiffany leans back in her seat and pulls the scarf around her neck loose, finally feeling warm enough. She wonders how she could help the girl but she didn’t know how. She remembers the first time she had realized she wasn’t straight and remembers it really being a very confusing time for her too. She understands now why Taeyeon is so troubled.
“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be confused,” she states, hoping she isn’t being too direct and offend the girl. “It takes time, really. I’m…,” she hesitates briefly, “I’m not that comfortable to admitting it, still.”
Taeyeon looks at her again and her eyes spoke volumes. She’s scared. Tiffany remembers being that scared too and she wishes to comfort her but she doesn’t know what to say either.
“When did you know?” Taeyeon asks softly.
To be honest, Tiffany never liked talking about it. Like she said, she isn’t that comfortable admitting it yet but she figures if it can make Taeyeon feel better, she wouldn’t mind. “Um, about 2 years ago,” she answers.
Taeyeon nods a little. “And… um… just girls or, like, both?”
“Just girls.” She diverts her gaze elsewhere and shifts in her seat, noticing that Taeyeon nodding again and looking down. She sighs inwardly and faces her again. “It’s okay, you can ask me anything.”
She sees reluctance before Taeyeon looks at her again. “Have you… dated any before?”
Tiffany chuckles and grins when she sees Taeyeon’s confused expression. “Not really. I’m not that comfortable about it, remember?” she replies. “When I was slightly more accepting about this, uh..,” she pauses and wonders if she should say it, “…you kind of caught my eye by then. So… you’re sort of the first... ” She looks away once it was out, casually pick up her cup and taking sip.
“O-oh,” Taeyeon stutters. Tiffany notices the small blush on the girl’s cheeks that probably matches her own and hides her smile behind her cup. She’s so cute. “And..um, when was that?”
Still holding her cup up to cover part of her face, Tiffany lets a small smile linger on her face. “Almost four months, maybe?”
Neither said anything else after and knowing that Taeyeon is probably thinking a lot, Tiffany busies herself with her cup of hot chocolate that’s, thankfully, still pretty warm. Feeling significantly warmer, she puts her cup down and takes off her coat and scarf along with Taeyeon’s gloves. Lazily laying the coat and scarf on her lap, she places the gloves neatly in front of Taeyeon, next to the latter’s cup. She wonders if Taeyeon would give her a chance if the girl’s still pretty confused about the whole preference thing. I hope she does but I don’t really wanna force her into anything though...
As if the girl had heard Tiffany’s thoughts, Taeyeon speaks up again. “I… don’t know if I can… with this,” she says slowly, as if she was afraid it might hurt Tiffany’s feelings and honestly, it did but just a little because Tiffany had expected as much. “I mean, I think I’m not ready yet but… I don’t mind… hanging out with you… more often. If it’s okay with you, that is.”
“Like as friends, you mean?” Tiffany asks, she wants to know what Taeyeon wants clearly just so that she wouldn’t put unnecessary hope in whatever they’re going to be. Friends… I could do with that, I guess.
Taeyeon bites her lip thoughtfully. “No, like… to get to know each other better, but not really… date…yet, maybe. Just… to see where it goes, you know?”
She wants to take it slow? Tiffany looks at her in surprise, not expecting that at all. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah… if you’d like,” Taeyeon replies, fidgeting nervously.
I’d love that. A grin appears on her face and she nods a little too excitedly. “Yeah, I’m okay with that.”
Taeyeon chuckles, grinning widely as she noticeably relaxes in her seat. “So…” she starts, “um... do you wanna eat something?”
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“Woah, easy there,” Tiffany says as she manages to wrap her arm around Taeyeon’s shoulders, pulling her closer as she tries to prevent the girl from bumping into a rushing passer-by.
Tiffany turns to glare at the stranger who mumbles an apology without slowing down as he bumps his shoulder against Taeyeon’s guitar bag a little, pushing the latter more against her. She realizes her arm is still around Taeyeon when she feels the girl squirming uneasily before pulling away from her.
“Thanks,” Taeyeon mutters, giving her a small smile and creating a little distance between them.
She’s uncomfortable again. Tiffany holds back a sigh and nods her head, choosing not to reply as they continue to walk towards the diner nearby for lunch. After a month of regularly meeting up, Tiffany’s aware that certain things make Taeyeon uncomfortable so she tries to be wary around the latter. Most of the times, they act like they’re normal friends but sometimes -rarely - Tiffany feels like they can be more. Sometimes, unconsciously, Tiffany does certain gestures that isn’t that big of a deal but will make Taeyeon extremely awkward, things that involve physical contact or Tiffany accidentally blurting out random compliments.
She’s able to learn a lot about Taeyeon, though. Like how the girl hardly blushes but when she does, it’s undeniably the cutest thing Tiffany has ever seen. Or like how the girl is always calm and composed but when she’s caught off guard, will be flustered and nervous. Things like how caring and attentive Taeyeon can be when she doesn’t think too much of her actions, and even how distant and cold she can be when she does think too much around Tiffany. She always feels sorry after giving me the cold treatment though, Tiffany realizes amusedly.
They continue to walk in silence and stop at the traffic light, waiting for the lights to change. Tiffany isn’t aware of the stolen glances from the other girl so when she feels fingers loosely slip between her own, she looks down in surprise. Looking up questionably at the quiet girl, Tiffany finds her looking around casually as she adjusts her guitar strap on her shoulder. I don’t get you, Kim Taeyeon. She smiles as the red man turns green and Taeyeon tugging on their somewhat linked hands that are almost hidden between them.
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Push and pull.
That’s exactly what Tiffany feels like she’s going through every time Taeyeon is around. It’s been almost two months since they started spending time together and it has honestly been hot and cold with Taeyeon. She tries to be understanding and most of the time she is but sometimes, she isn’t. They’ve been spending time with each every other day, including texting or calling every day. There have been improvements and yet sometimes, it’d seem like they’re back to square one.
Sometimes, Tiffany gets so confused that she doesn’t know what to do because at one moment, Taeyeon seems to be comfortable and adorable but the next minute, she can be cold and distant. Tiffany often wonders if she had done something wrong and most of the time, when she asks, Taeyeon says she hadn’t. Recently though, it’s been completely opposite personalities. One minute, they could even pass off as a couple and not a minute later, it’d be like they’ve just met. Then, Tiffany starts to wonder if Taeyeon’s bipolar. Of course that’s just her exaggerating the situation.
Tiffany gets confused but she never really gets upset over it. Not until she sees some girl flirt shamelessly with Taeyeon and the latter shyly reciprocating it. Tiffany’s pretty darn sure the unknown girl isn’t one of Taeyeon’s friends. Taeyeon would never act like that with a friend. Tiffany watches them for a while and her mind mercilessly mocks her at her current situation.
Surprisingly, Tiffany realizes that people with her kind of preference really did have some sort of radar and that quite a few in her school actually swing that way. Of course, Tiffany won’t deny there were a few girls who tried asking her out but she had never, ever, given them any attention, let alone flirt back. Here she is, though, looking at Taeyeon flirting with a girl in the hallway.
She watches as Taeyeon be all cute and shy towards the unknown girl when for two whole months, Tiffany had to be careful with her actions around her because Taeyeon’s still pretty sensitive about the whole ‘discovering oneself’ thing. She watches as the flirty girl lean forward and whisper in Taeyeon’s ear. She watches as Taeyeon giggles and hits her playfully.
Taeyeon. Flirting, with another girl. In the flipping hallway, where people are actually around.
The more she watches and thinks about it, the more it burns her. It burns her and it hurt a whole lot too. When Taeyeon’s eyes meet hers, she scoffs at the look of surprise and turns to walk away as she feels pure anger rise from the pit of her stomach and filling her up fast. Her whole body is reeling in jealousy and hurt. She needs a breather and she needs it fast. She takes deep breaths and clenches her fists, holding in the urge to just punch the daylights out of someone as she moves against the flow of the other students heading to class.
“Tiffany!” She hears Taeyeon calling and fastens her pace. “Tiffany, hey! Wait up!”
I do not wanna deal with you right now, just go aw- She almost groans out loud when she feels a tug on the long sleeve of her top and turns to face her. “What do you want?” she snaps.
Letting go of her sleeve, Taeyeon looks puzzled. “Why are you… did I do something wrong?”
She rolls her eyes and scoffs loudly. “Really, Taeyeon? You’re asking me that?”
Taeyeon frowns. “Yeah, I am. What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” Tiffany almost laughs at the question. Aware that they are still in public with other students walking by them, she struggles to keep her voice low and leans closer to Taeyeon, “For someone who’s so confused about her preference, you sure as hell look like you enjoyed having a girl flirt so openly with you.”
Surprised, Taeyeon shakes her head frantically. “It’s not-it’s not like that…” she says, grabbing hold of Tiffany’s sleeve again.
She softens at the pleading soft brown eyes. “Really? What was it like then because I don’t know, Taeyeon?” Tiffany looks down at her hold on her sleeve. A while ago, you were touching her arm and pushing her playfully when you can’t even touch my hand properly without being weird about it… She closes her eyes, feeling drained. She takes a step forward and leans her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder, noticing the latter stiffening up. She sighs, lifting her head up and smiling bitterly. “You’re confusing me, you know…? One minute you seem okay with this and another you’re pushing me away,” she says softly.
Taeyeon looks away but her grip on Tiffany’s shirt tightens. Why can’t you look at me? Tiffany frowns, realizing Taeyeon looking away a lot when they’re talking.
“Then I see you flirting wit-,” she pauses. What is she supposed to say anyway? We’re not even together. It really, really, hurt and Tiffany feels her eyes grow warm. “You know what, forget it. I’m sorry, it’s not like we’re dating anyway, right?” she pauses again but Taeyeon didn’t reply nor move. Right. She clears her throat as her vision starts to blur. “Well, I’ll see you… whenever, then.”
She pushes Taeyeon’s hand from her sleeve gently and turns away before Taeyeon can see her eyes. “Tiffany…” she hears Taeyeon calling her softly and ignores it as she makes her way to leave the school building.
Tiffany decides against taking a bus and continues to walk down the pavement, thinking about Taeyeon. Gorgeous, talented, smart, adorable Taeyeon. She sighs. She knows that no matter what, when Taeyeon calls her phone later on, she will pick up. She knows that she’s in too deep. Tiffany blinks her eyes hard, trying to clear her vision. It gets frustrating, whatever they are, and she honestly doesn’t know what Taeyeon feels or thinks most of the time but she’s in too deep to get out that easily.
She knows she won’t leave until Taeyeon tells it to her straight that they couldn’t happen. She knows of the heartbreak that would come with that. Well, she thinks she does. She just hopes, if that happens and she’s prepared, then maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe. She sighs and kicks a pebble on the ground. She knows but she can’t deny the happiness she feels from just being around her. She sighs again.
Slowing down her pace, Tiffany rubs and wipes her wet eyes. It hasn’t been five minutes since she left school, carelessly skipping her last class, but her phone’s already ringing. She stops walking and takes it out of her pocket, staring at Taeyeon’s picture and name blinking endlessly on the screen until it stops. She will pick up her call later, maybe, but not too soon. She’s still bitter and hurt, and even though she’s honestly starting to regret her little outburst, she really just wants to avoid having another one. She figures she can just call her back once she has calmed down a little more, or pick up the calls that will surely still be coming in later that day.
Stubborn Taeyeon, she thinks rather fondly before shaking her head, noticing that her heart heals a little the more she thinks about everything that she has learned from the past months. Everything she loves about her, she smiles a little. Love, her smile falters. Well, that’s just fantastic...
===
“I’m sorry,” she hears Taeyeon say for the 3rd time since the start of the call. “I really am.”
Tiffany hasn’t said a thing since she answered Taeyeon’s 72nd call that day. She didn’t want to but it’s past midnight and the latter didn’t seem like she’d give up. That’s what she reasons but she knows it’s because she didn’t want to drag the tension between them out into another day. Or maybe it’s the fact that Taeyeon’s efforts in contacting her are pretty commendable. Maybe she does care after all.
“Tiffany,” Taeyeon calls out softly. “Please, say something.”
She sounds so sad and helpless that Tiffany palms her face with her hand as she rests her elbow on her knee. The scene she witnessed earlier that day repeats in her mind and her heart aches again. Her emotions run wild and she didn’t know which to focus on. The anger, the hurt, the jealousy, the confusion or the possible love she has for the person on the other end of the line?
“What do you want me to say, Taeyeon?” she asks wearily, trying to ignore the feelings welling up in her. “What should I say?”
“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon apologizes. Again.
“I know you are, but…” she trails off. Her mind’s too clouded and her heart’s numbing from the hurt. “Do you want to stop this? Maybe it’s better if-”
“No,” Taeyeon interrupts and her tone surprises Tiffany a little. She sounds almost angry. “No, I don’t want that. I’m really sorry okay? It’s… Just… I...” A groan.
Tiffany feels her own anger rise. She didn’t get it. Taeyeon seems more comfortable with another girl. Then maybe it’s not Taeyeon who’s the problem. Maybe I’m the problem, she thinks. Tiffany can’t think straight with all the confusion and the hurt she never thought could be so suffocating. As far as she knows, she doesn’t think she’d be able to take it if Taeyeon rejects her later on anyway, especially for another girl.
“How am I supposed to feel right now, Taeyeon?” Her voice rises a little. “How? Put yourself in my shoes. You’re more comfortable with a girl you barely knew than you are in the past 2 months with me. Obviously you like her or something, whatever. Why don’t you just date her th-”
“Can you stop?” Taeyeon snaps irritably, her voice rises slightly as well. “It’s not like that!”
She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. “What is it like, then?” Tiffany counters, her voice straining as she stops herself from raising it again. She didn’t really want to get into a yelling argument. “What is it about me that makes it so hard for you?”
“I just… it’s- you…” A louder groan. “You confuse me so much, okay?”
“Excuse me? I confuse you?” Tiffany asks, holding back the urge to just hang up. Unbelievable. “I thought I was clear enough about how I feel about you? What about me confuses you so much?”
A brief pause and Taeyeon lets out a soft sigh. “Everything,” she replies softly. “Everything about you confuses me.”
She frowns, not understanding where the conversation’s going, but she’s too tired to get any more upset than she already is so she waits instead for Taeyeon to say more.
“This is really hard for me. Not this as in us. Not this, me and you. ‘This’ as in this thing about me,” Taeyeon continues. “And it’s so frustrating at times but I’m adjusting. It’s… it’s getting better.”
Is it? Tiffany raises her eyebrows skeptically at that, even though Taeyeon wouldn’t be able to see it.
“And- and maybe I might’ve liked the attention she was giving me. It-was new, to me.” She pauses. “But it… she could never-she’s not you, okay? It’s different. I… I never- I mean, she doesn’t confuse me-” A deep breath and Taeyeon tries again. “I mean, she doesn’t make me feel… things, like you do.”
Tiffany doesn’t quite understand but something in that last line calmed her down. Are you starting to feel the same way? Just when she’s about to say something, Taeyeon speaks again.
“I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” she mutters softly. “I’m still getting used to this and-I just-” she pauses again. “Please, Tiffany, don’t give up on me yet.”
Tiffany heaves a heavy sigh, knowing she could never say no to that.
---------------------------------------
There she is, leaning against the lockers and looking so damned gorgeous in that baby blue pull-over Tiffany got for her, black jeans and a pair of faded yellow Converse sneakers. Her brown hair falls over her eyes and covers half her face as she looks down and fiddles with her phone. A sling bag is hanging on her shoulder with her cardigan messily draped over it. Her guitar is nowhere in sight. Huffing, she looks up and glances around.
Their eyes meet and Tiffany instantly receives that smile she adores. She grins in return and approaches her.
“Hello, stranger,” Tiffany greets playfully. “You’re leaning against my locker.”
“Oh, hi,” Taeyeon replies, her smile widening. “Sorry, gorgeous. Here,” she counters, moving aside.
Tiffany feels her heart flutter and her face heating up as she opens her locker, pretending to not be affected. She sees Taeyeon lean sideways against the locker next to her, just watching her and Tiffany stops herself from smiling at the warmth filling her up. She doesn’t show it much anymore but she loves it when Taeyeon’s near. It’s almost like the girl has become her personal comfort zone. She can never deny how much Taeyeon makes her happy, how much she makes her feel at ease whenever she’s near, and how much she wants to hold her.
It’s been a month since their argument and Taeyeon’s been different, in a good way though. In a way, Tiffany realizes that she’s been different too. While Taeyeon’s been more wary and cautious of her actions, Tiffany’s been a little more distant than before.
The first week after the incident was awkward and Tiffany was still cold but Taeyeon tried and tried, and she just couldn’t find it in her to be a jerk to Taeyeon for too long. She remembers the day she stopped being so cold to Taeyeon. She remembers the slumped shoulders and dejected look she had caught when she stole a glance at the girl as they were going home. Taeyeon had looked so small that Tiffany felt like she was being too hard on her.
The second week, they were almost back to normal and while Tiffany stopped trying, Taeyeon seemed to be trying more instead. It was funny - amusing, even - how it was like their roles were reversed. Tiffany had noticed how Taeyeon initiated most of their calls and texts, and how Taeyeon seemed to be smiling more around her too. She even stopped tensing every time Tiffany gets a little too close or let a random compliment slip.
The third week was the time Taeyeon started to be really sweet. Always complimenting her, or calling her affectionate names randomly. Although the way Taeyeon said them was a little stiff and awkward, as time passes, it became more natural and Tiffany could tell from the familiar twinkle in Taeyeon’s eyes as she says them that she had always meant it. Even the way she gazes at Tiffany, had something really warm about them.
Tiffany feels a slight tug on the hem of her blouse and turns to find Taeyeon playing with it mindlessly as she looks down with pursed lips and slightly puffed cheeks.
It only started the week before, that Taeyeon’s been touchier. How she’s been initiating more; holding hands, standing or sitting closer to her and she almost gave Tiffany a heart attack when she decided to give her a back hug to surprise her during one of their outings. Taeyeon stopped bringing her guitar in the same week too. That guitar meant a lot to her, that Tiffany knew. It wasn’t just a hobby for her, it was passion. It was sort of Taeyeon’s comfort zone but one day, she stopped bringing it when they went out and eventually, she just stopped bringing it altogether. When Tiffany had asked why, she merely shrugged.
Tiffany bites her lip when Taeyeon frowns a little more, making the cutest thoughtful look ever.
“Please don’t do that,” she says, catching Taeyeon’s attention.
The girl looks up and stops playing with Tiffany’s shirt. “What?”
“Stop looking so cute,” Tiffany says, hesitating briefly before deciding to throw caution to the wind. She lowers her voice, “It makes me wanna kiss you.”
Tiffany chuckles at Taeyeon’s look of surprise before looking down and exchanging her books in her bag to the ones from the locker for the next class.
It must’ve caught Taeyeon off guard to have something that strong come from her after a while. Tiffany’s been holding back a lot, afraid to feel the hurt she had felt before. Recently, though, it seems like she’s had another change of heart. Maybe it’s Taeyeon’s pleasant changes or maybe it’s her own growing feelings for the girl but suddenly Tiffany doesn’t feel as scared anymore.
I wonder if she’s rea- , her thoughts stop abruptly as she feels an arm slip around her waist from the back. That’s the boldest move, before Tiffany could turn, she feels a kiss at the side of her head. Her hand instinctively holds the edge of her locker as she stumbles a little, very much like her heart did. She feels Taeyeon instinctively hold her a little closer.
Tiffany turns and her breath hitches as the proximity between them. “What are you doing?” she asks softly, aware that they’re still in the hallways.
Hallways, she repeats in her head and she makes a move to distance herself but Taeyeon shakes her head. Her gaze’s gentle and warm, yet so unlike previous ones. Tiffany has never seen this look on her before. She blushes furiously as Taeyeon leans closer, their foreheads almost touching.
“Hey, Tiffany,” Taeyeon calls her softly; her own cheeks are tinged pink. She clears her throat nervously as she smiles a little. “I think, I’m okay now,” she says in a hushed voice. “So would you, maybe, want to date me?”
The words resonate in Tiffany’s mind and they sound a lot like music. She couldn’t stop her lips from curving upwards and small chuckles leave her lips.
“Please don’t do that,” Taeyeon mutters suddenly, somewhat shyly. She lowers her voice even more, “It makes me wanna kiss you.”
Hesitating just for a second, Taeyeon steals a quick glance around and leans in so suddenly, Tiffany can barely comprehend a pair of lips pressing softly against hers before the latter pulls away. Taeyeon takes a step back and clears her throat again, awkwardly. She goes back to her previous position, leaning sideways against the locker next to Tiffany’s. Taeyeon looks around nonchalantly, turning beet red.
Tiffany exhales the breath she’s not even aware she’s been holding, feeling lightheaded and disoriented. She stares in disbelief at the girl now looking down and blatantly avoiding her eyes, feeling her own cheeks burn. Just when she thinks Taeyeon couldn’t surprise her anymore, the latter timidly reaches out and plays with her hand.
Tiffany’s confused but she couldn’t help beaming at the gesture. Everything about Taeyeon at that moment, she captures in her mind. Everything she’s feeling at that very moment, she hopes to remember. Her heart flutters, skips and stumbles.
Taeyeon didn’t carry around her guitar anymore, Tiffany remembers, as she looks down to the hands lightly playing with her fingers. Taeyeon no longer needed it though, Tiffany figures as she places her free hand on her pounding chest. She’s busy picking on heartstrings.
****************
Originally written as a submission to Taeny's thread celebration (for reaching the 1527th page) ---idk what to call it, but a bunch of writers got together and there's like a mass Taeny story compilation lol. Here it is: Taeny In All Forms.