Serenity
Hi.
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Taeyeon walked briskly down the damp streets, not minding the slight drizzle that seemed to help cool her heart just a little. She needed - wanted - anything to feel numb but the pills weren't working anymore, not for a while now, so she stopped taking them and she had long sworn off alcohol. She fastened her pace, feeling like she was dragging the weight of the universe with her but she would run if she thought it’d make any difference.
Maybe that weight would fall behind if she ran, maybe it would no longer cling onto her like a stubborn leech, sucking the life out of her a little at a time. Maybe she could run and it'll lose sight of her. It was impossible, she knew, but she still hoped someday, the constant darkness that loomed over her wouldn't bother her anymore. She still hoped for the day that the clouds would clear and she could relish in light again. She still hoped that silence didn't make her thoughts louder. She still hoped for the day that she could be alone, comfortably, and not be afraid of herself, or what she was capable of making herself feel.
Saying that she was struggling, was an understatement, because she could be distracted at work in the day, and smiled and laughed, but when her shift ends, her colleagues cheerfully bidding her goodbye, she would need to go home and it always scared her. She would stand in front of her own building, pacing back and forth; hesitating. Nothing scared her more than being alone, because she might not like socializing or partying, but being around people helped, most of the time.
Often, the apartment building's elderly doorman would watch her pace. Often, he would give her a warm, comforting smile. He never shot her a judgmental look, never once given her a pitiful one, and she was sure he understood somehow. He understood enough not to call the security, or cause more unnecessary anxiety-enough not to make her feel worse.
He would wait patiently, sometimes making small talk. He would ask how her day had been, talk about when his son would be graduating college, and tell her what his wife had packed him for lunch. He would talk casually, with gentle eyes, as if he was trying to set her at ease. She wondered if he understood more than she knew, wondered if he felt the same fear before - the same anxiety - or maybe knew someone who did, but she didn't ever want to cross that boundary by asking. It was too personal. She wouldn't want to talk to him about herself either.
She didn't want to talk about how she feels unworthy and stupid. She didn't want to talk about how she would look in the mirror and felt ugly, unwanted, or how she could still see the faded scars on her body, particularly a small one on her forehead, hidden behind her fringe, and remembered how it didn't just leave a physical mark on her. She didn't want to talk about how it started 5 years ago, with someone she could have married, but to whom had completely shattered her before the said relationship ended 2 years later. She didn't want to talk about the never-ending pit she mercilessly fell into alone 3 years that followed, and how she struggled to climb out of it.
It made her sick to the stomach just thinking about it, she never ever wanted to talk about it again; not to her friends nor to her family, no longer even to her doctor. It was nothing new anyway, old news will get boring. She just had to learn to cope with it alone. She never wanted to remember it but she knew she could never really forget. She had been completely shattered into pieces, and lost sight of herself, but it gradually became better, because even if it looked bad now, she was so much better than she was 3 years ago.
She caught sight of a familiar building, and sighed in relief because she had been walking for a while now and just the sight of her destination made her feel a little more at ease.
She had been much worse a couple of years ago, but she eventually learned that she felt a little better when she left the house, felt a little better when she ate good food, listened to good music, and had long conversations with people who genuinely cared and loved her.
It had been so much better until a year ago, when she met someone else. She met Tiffany; someone who was absolutely lovely, and it didn't take long for her to fall in love again.
Tiffany made her feel everything that she had always dreamed love would be, but had she met her before him, if Tiffany had just came into her life before she was wounded so badly, then Taeyeon might have loved her without the voices in her head screaming louder than it had been for a while now, making her hesitate before she could completely open her heart again.
She knew of the distance she put between them, and how Tiffany seemed to understand. They had talked about their pasts, and Taeyeon had told her everything. She had cried that night, for the first time in years in the presence of another person. She cried even more when Tiffany held her, because she felt so safe, it terrified her. Even then, Tiffany continued to hold her, whispering words of love and assurance.
Her hesitance wasn’t spoken, but she knew it was too obvious to deny. She would pull back, more than once, and at first she thought she would eventually push Tiffany so far away that the latter might not come back but Tiffany never budged; she never moved an inch away unless Taeyeon asked her to and always came back when she needed her to.
If Taeyeon wanted space, Tiffany stayed at a distance patiently. It was remarkable, how understanding Tiffany was. For the longest time, Tiffany was someone Taeyeon deemed too good to be true, that maybe after a while, Tiffany would show her true colours- she was wrong. Tiffany had a heart that was so genuine and pure, Taeyeon wasn't sure if she deserved any of her love. Not while her own heart was still weak and tainted by her past, but she knew Tiffany would have none of that reasoning. Never once making it seem like some one sided love, Tiffany made sure Taeyeon knew that nothing mattered as long as they were together and that Taeyeon wanted her to stay. That was enough for Tiffany, and maybe that was all Taeyeon really needed as well.
She walked into the building, her steps feeling lighter with each step. Thoughts of Tiffany helped too. It wasn't her own building she was in but the latter’s, and even if she couldn't bring herself to trouble the girl at this time of night, she just needed to know that Tiffany was close by, and that thought itself seemed enough when she left the suffocating confines of her own apartment earlier that night.
Taeyeon soon found herself standing in the corner of the corridor, shivering from the cold, and she felt so much better just knowing that Tiffany was right at the other side of the oak door. It was terrifying, how Tiffany made her feel better just by being near. The power the girl had over her, was unnerving but Taeyeon had enough time to think it over, and knew that if she ever decided to open her heart to someone again, she wanted it to be Tiffany.
She missed her so much, even though she had just seen her a day ago, and heard her voice that morning when the girl called to wish her a good morning and to have a good day. She knew she had been hesitating, and holding back a whole lot even though she had let herself get close to someone again, but Tiffany had always been there, waiting to catch her should she fall.
She hesitated from ringing the bell, because it was 4 in the morning, and she was feeling better anyway, just standing there for a while. Maybe she could stick around for a bit, and then just go home before she looked too suspicious, and she could pretend she didn't just walk for more than half an hour, alone, in the middle of the night, just to feel her close again.
She could, but she knew she wanted a little more this time. She wanted Tiffany to hold her the way she did a few times before, and maybe that way she could sleep, or if she couldn't, she would watch Tiffany sleep instead. That was okay, too. Anything with Tiffany involved was better than going back home and being alone. She felt a huge crack in the lone wall she had kept up in an attempt of protecting herself.
She stared down to her feet, and pondered on what to do. She liked that, somehow; thinking of what Tiffany was doing, or how Tiffany would feel, what kind of movies Tiffany liked, and maybe what Tiffany ate for dinner. She liked thinking about the other girl, instead of thinking about herself.
Nothing was wrong with Tiffany. Taeyeon could think nothing horrible about her, except maybe of how Tiffany was ridiculously health conscious and didn't like to have pizza on Friday nights. That was a major flaw, but that's okay, Tiffany can learn to love that eventually; Taeyeon would make sure of that.
Tiffany was, of course, still a human being and Taeyeon knew no one was perfect but Tiffany really was pretty darn near to it. They have had their share of bickering though, she knew that was inevitable and could only hope with everything in her that Tiffany would always be the gentle, patient, lover she had fallen in love with.
That thought made her smile, because it was the first time she noticed the calm beats of her heart, gone were the dull ache during the day and the piercing pain at night. All she had to do was think of her, and she would feel alright.
She found herself reaching for her phone and pressing on the 3rd speed dial before holding the phone to her ear, listening to the ringing.
The door opened not long after their short exchange with Taeyeon apologizing at the beginning and ending of the call. Despite the obvious exhaustion, Tiffany didn't say a word as she squinted against the light at Taeyeon, looking at her from head to toe as if checking for any physical evidence of anything that could be wrong first. When Tiffany finally met her eyes, with a gentle smile and beckoned her to come closer, she didn't need to think twice. She stepped over the remnants of her broken walls and walked into her opened arms, melting right into her hold.
“You alright?” Tiffany asked, stroking her hair gently, and it made Taeyeon lean into her hold more.
It was odd, though, because Tiffany never usually asked. She would usually just hold her quietly until Taeyeon broke the silence. Maybe it was the way she had hugged back, like Tiffany was the only person who could make her feel alive again, or maybe it was in the wee hours of the morning and she was still shivering slightly from walking through the drizzle.
She wasn't sure, but she turned her face, pressing it snugly against Tiffany's neck. She wasn’t alone anymore and there was no one else she would rather be with. She felt safe and warm all over. The same way she felt every time Tiffany held her close like that, and that made her smile.
“I am, now.”
====
Wrote this months ago, and I honestly haven't written anything since besides editing this.
Better late than never? (I think) ._.
===
Taeyeon walked briskly down the damp streets, not minding the slight drizzle that seemed to help cool her heart just a little. She needed - wanted - anything to feel numb but the pills weren't working anymore, not for a while now, so she stopped taking them and she had long sworn off alcohol. She fastened her pace, feeling like she was dragging the weight of the universe with her but she would run if she thought it’d make any difference.
Maybe that weight would fall behind if she ran, maybe it would no longer cling onto her like a stubborn leech, sucking the life out of her a little at a time. Maybe she could run and it'll lose sight of her. It was impossible, she knew, but she still hoped someday, the constant darkness that loomed over her wouldn't bother her anymore. She still hoped for the day that the clouds would clear and she could relish in light again. She still hoped that silence didn't make her thoughts louder. She still hoped for the day that she could be alone, comfortably, and not be afraid of herself, or what she was capable of making herself feel.
Saying that she was struggling, was an understatement, because she could be distracted at work in the day, and smiled and laughed, but when her shift ends, her colleagues cheerfully bidding her goodbye, she would need to go home and it always scared her. She would stand in front of her own building, pacing back and forth; hesitating. Nothing scared her more than being alone, because she might not like socializing or partying, but being around people helped, most of the time.
Often, the apartment building's elderly doorman would watch her pace. Often, he would give her a warm, comforting smile. He never shot her a judgmental look, never once given her a pitiful one, and she was sure he understood somehow. He understood enough not to call the security, or cause more unnecessary anxiety-enough not to make her feel worse.
He would wait patiently, sometimes making small talk. He would ask how her day had been, talk about when his son would be graduating college, and tell her what his wife had packed him for lunch. He would talk casually, with gentle eyes, as if he was trying to set her at ease. She wondered if he understood more than she knew, wondered if he felt the same fear before - the same anxiety - or maybe knew someone who did, but she didn't ever want to cross that boundary by asking. It was too personal. She wouldn't want to talk to him about herself either.
She didn't want to talk about how she feels unworthy and stupid. She didn't want to talk about how she would look in the mirror and felt ugly, unwanted, or how she could still see the faded scars on her body, particularly a small one on her forehead, hidden behind her fringe, and remembered how it didn't just leave a physical mark on her. She didn't want to talk about how it started 5 years ago, with someone she could have married, but to whom had completely shattered her before the said relationship ended 2 years later. She didn't want to talk about the never-ending pit she mercilessly fell into alone 3 years that followed, and how she struggled to climb out of it.
It made her sick to the stomach just thinking about it, she never ever wanted to talk about it again; not to her friends nor to her family, no longer even to her doctor. It was nothing new anyway, old news will get boring. She just had to learn to cope with it alone. She never wanted to remember it but she knew she could never really forget. She had been completely shattered into pieces, and lost sight of herself, but it gradually became better, because even if it looked bad now, she was so much better than she was 3 years ago.
She caught sight of a familiar building, and sighed in relief because she had been walking for a while now and just the sight of her destination made her feel a little more at ease.
She had been much worse a couple of years ago, but she eventually learned that she felt a little better when she left the house, felt a little better when she ate good food, listened to good music, and had long conversations with people who genuinely cared and loved her.
It had been so much better until a year ago, when she met someone else. She met Tiffany; someone who was absolutely lovely, and it didn't take long for her to fall in love again.
Tiffany made her feel everything that she had always dreamed love would be, but had she met her before him, if Tiffany had just came into her life before she was wounded so badly, then Taeyeon might have loved her without the voices in her head screaming louder than it had been for a while now, making her hesitate before she could completely open her heart again.
She knew of the distance she put between them, and how Tiffany seemed to understand. They had talked about their pasts, and Taeyeon had told her everything. She had cried that night, for the first time in years in the presence of another person. She cried even more when Tiffany held her, because she felt so safe, it terrified her. Even then, Tiffany continued to hold her, whispering words of love and assurance.
Her hesitance wasn’t spoken, but she knew it was too obvious to deny. She would pull back, more than once, and at first she thought she would eventually push Tiffany so far away that the latter might not come back but Tiffany never budged; she never moved an inch away unless Taeyeon asked her to and always came back when she needed her to.
If Taeyeon wanted space, Tiffany stayed at a distance patiently. It was remarkable, how understanding Tiffany was. For the longest time, Tiffany was someone Taeyeon deemed too good to be true, that maybe after a while, Tiffany would show her true colours- she was wrong. Tiffany had a heart that was so genuine and pure, Taeyeon wasn't sure if she deserved any of her love. Not while her own heart was still weak and tainted by her past, but she knew Tiffany would have none of that reasoning. Never once making it seem like some one sided love, Tiffany made sure Taeyeon knew that nothing mattered as long as they were together and that Taeyeon wanted her to stay. That was enough for Tiffany, and maybe that was all Taeyeon really needed as well.
She walked into the building, her steps feeling lighter with each step. Thoughts of Tiffany helped too. It wasn't her own building she was in but the latter’s, and even if she couldn't bring herself to trouble the girl at this time of night, she just needed to know that Tiffany was close by, and that thought itself seemed enough when she left the suffocating confines of her own apartment earlier that night.
Taeyeon soon found herself standing in the corner of the corridor, shivering from the cold, and she felt so much better just knowing that Tiffany was right at the other side of the oak door. It was terrifying, how Tiffany made her feel better just by being near. The power the girl had over her, was unnerving but Taeyeon had enough time to think it over, and knew that if she ever decided to open her heart to someone again, she wanted it to be Tiffany.
She missed her so much, even though she had just seen her a day ago, and heard her voice that morning when the girl called to wish her a good morning and to have a good day. She knew she had been hesitating, and holding back a whole lot even though she had let herself get close to someone again, but Tiffany had always been there, waiting to catch her should she fall.
She hesitated from ringing the bell, because it was 4 in the morning, and she was feeling better anyway, just standing there for a while. Maybe she could stick around for a bit, and then just go home before she looked too suspicious, and she could pretend she didn't just walk for more than half an hour, alone, in the middle of the night, just to feel her close again.
She could, but she knew she wanted a little more this time. She wanted Tiffany to hold her the way she did a few times before, and maybe that way she could sleep, or if she couldn't, she would watch Tiffany sleep instead. That was okay, too. Anything with Tiffany involved was better than going back home and being alone. She felt a huge crack in the lone wall she had kept up in an attempt of protecting herself.
She stared down to her feet, and pondered on what to do. She liked that, somehow; thinking of what Tiffany was doing, or how Tiffany would feel, what kind of movies Tiffany liked, and maybe what Tiffany ate for dinner. She liked thinking about the other girl, instead of thinking about herself.
Nothing was wrong with Tiffany. Taeyeon could think nothing horrible about her, except maybe of how Tiffany was ridiculously health conscious and didn't like to have pizza on Friday nights. That was a major flaw, but that's okay, Tiffany can learn to love that eventually; Taeyeon would make sure of that.
Tiffany was, of course, still a human being and Taeyeon knew no one was perfect but Tiffany really was pretty darn near to it. They have had their share of bickering though, she knew that was inevitable and could only hope with everything in her that Tiffany would always be the gentle, patient, lover she had fallen in love with.
That thought made her smile, because it was the first time she noticed the calm beats of her heart, gone were the dull ache during the day and the piercing pain at night. All she had to do was think of her, and she would feel alright.
She found herself reaching for her phone and pressing on the 3rd speed dial before holding the phone to her ear, listening to the ringing.
The door opened not long after their short exchange with Taeyeon apologizing at the beginning and ending of the call. Despite the obvious exhaustion, Tiffany didn't say a word as she squinted against the light at Taeyeon, looking at her from head to toe as if checking for any physical evidence of anything that could be wrong first. When Tiffany finally met her eyes, with a gentle smile and beckoned her to come closer, she didn't need to think twice. She stepped over the remnants of her broken walls and walked into her opened arms, melting right into her hold.
“You alright?” Tiffany asked, stroking her hair gently, and it made Taeyeon lean into her hold more.
It was odd, though, because Tiffany never usually asked. She would usually just hold her quietly until Taeyeon broke the silence. Maybe it was the way she had hugged back, like Tiffany was the only person who could make her feel alive again, or maybe it was in the wee hours of the morning and she was still shivering slightly from walking through the drizzle.
She wasn't sure, but she turned her face, pressing it snugly against Tiffany's neck. She wasn’t alone anymore and there was no one else she would rather be with. She felt safe and warm all over. The same way she felt every time Tiffany held her close like that, and that made her smile.
“I am, now.”
====
Wrote this months ago, and I honestly haven't written anything since besides editing this.
Better late than never? (I think) ._.