When the World Made Sense (Part Four)
Title: When the World Made Sense
Author: hunters_retreat
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 26,000+
Warnings: pre-story off-screen death of a secondary character, slash
Author's Notes:Thank you so much to the mod's for this amazing challenge! And all my love to my amazing artist sillie82!
Summary: Once upon a time, Logan Cale's life made sense. Maybe not to anyone else, but it did to him. That was before he'd ever heard of Manticore, or X-5's, and certainly before he found himself the head of the Trans-normal movement that had sparked after the explosive outing of transgenics in Terminal City. Two years of fighting for the cause had taken its toll though, and not just on Logan. Anti-trans groups put a price on their heads and none more so than for Alec McDowell.
Alec tried to act like none of it bothered him but Logan knew different. They were co-conspirators and stood shoulder to shoulder leading the movement. An offhanded comment has Logan thinking it's time for a change, for the movement and for himself. Will Logan's grand experiment - a self-sustaining farming community for humans and transgenics alike - give them the chance to make peace with the world or will it fail? Will it give Alec the chance to finally heal from his emotional scars that a life as a Manticore assassin left him? And will they both finally realize what they’ve been fighting for all along?
“We really can’t keep this up,” Logan said softly, eyes staring out the window of his office to look over the fields. He didn’t need to be closer to know that the two people he was looking at were fighting.
“How long has it been this bad?”
Logan turned around in his chair and looked at the man in front of him. No one could have guessed at the way things would turn out the day transgenics holed up in Jam Pony and took hostages but the man in front of him was one of the good surprised. Sketchy had been aching for a larger purpose, running from story to story about transgenics and Manticore before it all happened, but learning that the people he worked with were genetically engineered had changed his opinion about the whole thing.
“Since she got here,” Logan admitted. “Cadence has trouble with ordinaries,” he knew he sounded defeated but he’d hoped that he could help the transgenic. Even Mole, who had a less than stellar view of humans, had been able to integrate into their community without much of an issue. It felt too much like a failure to have to find another place for Cadence but he knew he needed to.
“You know, I’ve got a friend down in San Diego who has a place for transgenics. There are some humans there helping him out, but mostly it’s transgenics helping other transgenics deal with what they’ve been through. He used to work at Jam Pony, before Alec came along. Herbal. You must have heard Max-”
He stopped as soon as he said her name and Logan let out a deep breath. “Yeah, I heard Max talk about him. I don’t remember him that well though. How did he get involved with all of this?”
“Same way as me. Just knew some people and when it all came to light he had friends that were transgenic. Some of them had been through some bad shit and he helped them create a place for them to help each other out. If she’s having this much trouble with humans, it might be the best place for her. For now anyway.”
“I’d heard about it before, but I haven’t been able to send out anyone to make an alliance. You think Herbal would take Cadence in?”
“I was planning on heading up to Terminal City when I was done here, but I can put that on hold to see if Herbal has room for another lost soul. It’s what he does though and I’m sure he’ll take her in.”
Logan turned back to look out the window. “Yeah, thanks Sketchy. I wouldn’t turn her out if there was no place for her to go, but if she can get help then I appreciate anything you could do. I’ll write up a letter for you to take to Herbal.”
“What, do I look like a messenger?”
Logan smiled at the joking tone of Sketch’s words. “You do look like this guy I used to know.” He didn’t really though. Sketchy had grown into a dedicated and honest reporter. Unlike Eyes Only who kept his face in the dark, Sketchy travelled and made sure his stories got out to the masses. He moved across the country with a dedicated group of friends who worked with him and protected him as he dug deeper into the corruption of the world. He also made sure that the Trans-human Movement got a fair account when the stories were told. He was welcome to the community and Logan was glad to call him a friend.
“So what about that other guy you used to know?” Sketchy asked, looking pointedly out the window where Logan’s attention kept turning. “He’s not the same.”
Logan shook his head. “Your guess is as good as mine, Sketch. Alec doesn’t let anyone know what’s going on in his head.”
“I thought you broke him of that habit?”
“So did I.”
Sketchy gave him a small smile. “You know, after OC died when you and Alec pulled together to keep the Movement going, I thought for sure you’d just chew each other up. I figured you’d both go your own ways and it would end just as bad as it began.”
Sketchy was one of the few people who knew the whole truth of how Alec and Logan had met. Alec had confessed it to him after the blockades around Terminal City had fallen and they’d thought that they had a chance of making it work in Seattle.
“But you didn’t. Alec helped you relax and let go. You helped Alec connect to something, to a cause. To a person. You were both more relaxed. Whatever is going on between you two now though, it’s making him close up again. I don’t mind admitting how surprised I was when he walked away from us at lunch.”
Logan had been as well. He knew that things had been rough between Alec and himself since the nightmares had begun, but he’d expected Alec to want to catch up with Sketchy once he’d gotten through all the hellos and delivering the news he had. It bothered Logan to know that Alec was shutting everyone out and not just him.
“He’s dealing with something right now. He won’t let me help and I don’t know what else to do but wait for him to remember he’s not alone.”
Sketchy dropped a hand to Logan’s shoulder and smiled. “You aren’t either. I think it’s time I took a crack at our boy.”
**
Alec stared down at the ground beneath his feet and did his best not to scowl at the others. Even Mole was giving him a wide berth today and it said something about his mood that Alec couldn’t even appreciate a Mole-less day. It started out the same as every other; waking from another nightmare and stepping out of his room to find Logan with his goddamned all-knowing eyes. They’d shared the same stunted conversation over breakfast, hashed out the daily schedule, before Alec disappeared from the house and tried to bury his head in farming or building or whatever manual labor he could find that would keep the memories out of his head.
It wasn’t working. It didn’t matter what he did, something always came up to remind him of his days at Manticore. It was eating away at him and he hated that it was coming out now, after he’d been out of their clutches for so long. He hated that it was happening when Logan needed him to have his shit together.
Cadence’s never ending round of flirt-push-degrade had broken his resolve to try to get along with the transgenic - again - and even if the taunts about his relationship with Logan were completely unfounded, not even Alec could believe the lie that things were fine between them.
“What did that piece of dirt ever do to you?”
Alec looked up at the familiar voice but he was too tired to put on his patented don’t-I-look-fine smile. “Hey Sketch. What brings you out to the fields today? You’re not going to stick around and do an honest day’s work, are you?”
“God forbid. I’ll leave that to the farmers. I’m just a lowly reporter who’d probably burn down the farm if I attempted to help out.”
Alec couldn’t help but smile at Sketchy’s self-deprecating sense of humor. He’d certainly changed over the years, but in good ways. His childlike enthusiasm for a story had become dedication and he’d matured into a responsible adult. Who knew Sketchy had that in him?
“As opposed to the other reporter running this place?”
“Logan might burn it down if he was on his own, but I know you’re here to keep him in line.”
Alec barely refrained from rolling his eyes at the idea of keeping Logan in line. The man damn well did whatever he wanted to, no matter what anyone else thought about it, and Alec had gotten really good at fixing it. Alright, so that wasn’t exactly fair but Alec was having a hard time lately and just when he’d gotten used to the idea of Logan being around, he wasn’t.
“Logan wouldn’t know where to find a match on the farm. You think they even let us into the kitchen to turn on the stove?”
Sketchy laughed. “It’s a pretty nice set up you got here, though. Especially you and Logan up in the main house, all cozy like.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He knew he was off kilter. He shouldn’t responded to Sketchy’s comment like that but the other man had no idea how cozy it had been there for a while, nor how distant Logan seemed lately. Alec knew wh
y the other man was pulling away but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
“Just … noticing. I always thought you two would get along well enough without Max in the way.”
There was no flinching in Sketchy’s voice as he mentioned Max and it was a relief. No one talked about Max and Cindy in front of him anymore, except for Logan and he was as closely guarded about them as Alec was. He didn’t know if it was Logan’s own sense of grief or a fear of what Alec would say about them, but Logan kept his thoughts and feelings about them to himself. Mostly, Alec was alright with it. It didn’t bother him when Sketch mentioned her though and Alec wondered if that was what it felt like; to be free of the guilt.
“Yeah, well Max liked to stir the pot and see what she could dredge up. Logan doesn’t need the drama she had going on.” There was a lot more he could say about it, things that were far more accurate to his real feelings than that, but he wasn’t willing to give Sketchy more ammunition against him.
His friend just smiled though. “True enough.” Sketch looked at him for a second, then shook his head. “Doesn’t really deserve this either though.”
“What?”
“You, cutting him off the way you are. Everyone around here is walking on egg shells around you man and I’m just surprised Logan hasn’t called you on it yet.”
Alec snorted because his temper was shorter than ever right now but it was entirely to do with Logan and the fact that Logan had pulled away from Alec because of his stupid nightmares. Alec understood, he did. He just never thought that Logan would consider Alec, even with his issues, too much trouble to deal with.
“Yeah, well when Logan decides he wants to talk to me again, I’m sure it’ll be the first thing he says.”
Sketchy’s face was almost comical, the way his eyes widened and mouth fell open, but Alec was shushing him before he could say anything else. He heard someone crying. He didn’t tell Sketchy, but ran off to the main house where he’d heard it, the other man running behind him.
He got there just in time to see one of the kids trying to get up from the ground. Matty was only five and he’d obviously taken a nasty fall from one of the fruit trees and he was holding his arm against his chest.
“Matty,” Alec called the boy’s name. Others were on their way, Alec could hear them running towards them but he was the first there. Matty was crying, tears streaking his face as he whimpered in pain. It was just an accident, but it struck Alec hard, that the boy was hurt at Touchstone. “It’s alright. We’ll make sure you’re alright.”
He crouched down so he could look at the boy’s arm but pulled away as soon as he saw it. The bone was protruding and Alec couldn’t breathe as green eyes looked up at him, imploring him to do something.
He could feel an arm around his shoulder as he stared through the window across the medical bed to the boy lying there. “We’ll make sure you’re alright, so long as you remember who you are 494,” the voice said softly in his ear. “And if you don’t, there are so many things more terrible than death. We’ll teach you every one.”
As she said it, he watched the young boy as they broke his arm, bone protruding through the skin in two places. The boy screamed, but Alec didn’t hear it. He could only hear her voice and stare down at his younger clone who understood that whatever they were doing to him was just about Alec. It was the same when they broke his legs and healed him. It was the same when they drowned him the day before that, holding him under water time and time again only to resuscitate him.
“It’s alright, 494. We’ll get your head on straight and you’ll be fine. We’ll make sure you’re always alright.”
It was always the same and the only way to stop it was to agree to whatever Manticore wanted him to do. No matter what the job was, this was waiting for him if he screwed up again. This was what waited for him if he failed again the way he had with Rachael.
“Alec?”
He shivered as a hand touched his shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to remember where he was.
“Alec, are you alright?”
It was Logan. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there but Matty was gone and only Sketchy and Mole were with them behind the house.
“He hasn’t said a word since the kid showed him his arm,” Sketchy said to the others. Alec wanted to say something about being alright but no words would come. He shivered again and felt someone pulling at his arms, leading him away. He didn’t have the will to fight the movement so he went.
It wasn’t a long walk to the house, but they didn’t stop at the lower level. Alec was pulled back into his apartment and pushed down into his bed. The voices didn’t stop talking around him, but nothing made much sense until Logan sat on the bed beside him, looking down.
“Just get some sleep, Alec. I’m here.”
He closed his eyes because Logan was talking to him again, looking like he cared, and he didn’t want to disrupt the momentary truce. Besides, he was tired and he didn’t want to remember the look in his clone’s eyes as he’d set the first break, knowing it was just one of many before Alec finally broke.
**
“He was frozen. I’ve never seen an X-5 freeze like that before.”
The last thing Logan wanted at that exact moment was to listen to Mole’s opinion of Alec’s mental state. He didn’t really want Sketchy’s either but Alec was asleep in his bed and Logan had to deal with this now, while he could. He had no idea what Alec would be like when he woke up. If it was anything like his reaction to the pond incident then Logan needed time to think and plan. He needed to find a way to get past Alec’s defenses and keep him from backing off again.
He had no idea what was happening lately. He’d tried to give Alec the space he seemed to need to get through this, but nothing was working. Alec was just pulling away from him instead of figuring out how to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks. Logan hadn’t felt this much distance between them since before they’d holed up in Jam Pony with White on their backs. He had no idea how to bridge the gap between them, but he was ready to lock Alec in a room and have at it until the other man agreed to tell him what was wrong.
“I couldn’t look at the boy’s arm. It was freaky stuff man.” Sketchy said, leaning against the small dining table.
“Not for Alec it wasn’t.”
There was something strange in Mole’s voice. If it had been anyone else, Logan would have thought it was concern but Mole and Alec had a long standing agreement to dislike one another and Logan didn’t think Mole would be the one to break it. Only there was something going on there and Logan was too focused on Alec in the other room to understand.
“Everyone has something they can’t handle,” Logan said almost absently.
“You don’t get it. For all the work you do with us, you don’t get it,” Mole said, but the anger in his voice was gone. “The X-5 series weren’t allowed to have faults. If they did, they went to psy-ops or they never came back.”
“We’ve had glimpses of the way the X-5s were trained. Max took us through it,” Sketchy said quietly.
“Really? Max told you? The girl who escaped when she was 10? What would she know about training? They were barely getting started with her unit when they split. And I’ll tell you something else,” Mole said, walking closer to Sketchy. “For the rest of the series they left behind it was worse. They trained until there was no way a flaw could have gone unnoticed. Then Alec’s pretty boy twin went off the reservation and became a serial killer. Alec was already under the guns. What do you think they did then?”
Sketchy turned wide eyes to Logan and Mole followed with a sneer on his face. “A broken arm, a little bone, that’s nothing that would take an X-5 out of his game, and certainly not someone like Alec. Whatever the hell just happened out there, Alec is cracking and you need to take care of it before he becomes dangerous.”
“You really think Alec is a danger?”
Mole stood up taller, straightening his shoulders. “Most dangerous man you’ve ever met, and we both know what happened when the other one lost it.”
Mole walked out of the apartment then and Logan let out a deep breath.
“A serial killer?”
“It’s a long story, but Alec had a twin named Ben. He was part of Max’s unit. He didn’t do so well on the outside and he became a killer. Alec said he was back in psy-ops because of what his twin did. I don’t think he or Max ever wanted anyone to know just what that meant though.”
Sketchy sighed. “Sounds like your boy, alright. So, what do we do now?”
Alec shook his head. “You have messages to deliver and I have a farm to run,” he said softly. “But I’ll talk to Alec. Whatever is going on in his head, I’ll make him talk. I’m not letting him push me away again.”
“He thinks you don’t want to talk to him.”
“What? Alec said that?”
“Yeah, so whatever is happening between you two, you better clear things up. I’d hate to come back next time around and find one of you dead.”
Logan laughed and it felt good to just relax for a minute. “Yeah, we’ll take care of it.”
They stayed a while longer, catching up about the world around them, but then Sketchy walked out to find his bed for the evening and Logan was left alone. He walked into Alec’s room and watched the way his friend turned towards him as if he senses Logan’s presence. Logan didn’t say anything, but he pulled the chair out from Alec’s desk and moved it next to the bed. He sat there, wondering how he was going to make things right between them. He didn’t have an answer, but he fell asleep where he was, thinking he’d stay right there until he figured it out.
**
Alec woke quickly. Manticore made sure he was a light sleeper, through enhanced senses and training that ensured he didn’t allow anyone close while he slept. Except that right there at his side, sleeping in a chair, was Logan. Somehow Logan had slipped through that bit of protection and Alec’s internal warning system no longer registered him as a possible threat. It was unnerving, but as he tried to sit up, Logan twitched awake.
“Alec? Are you okay?”
Alec sat up, trying to ignore the way the memories of the day before tried to spring into his head. He groaned, more concerned about the weakness he knew the others had seen in him than anything else. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t you have something better to do than to stare at me? I know I’m pretty but-”
“Stop, Alec.”
“Logan.”
“No. This is enough. I don’t know what else to do to help you Alec but I won’t let you keep pushing me away. What happened yesterday?”
“I didn’t push you away Logan.” He wasn’t sure how Logan could think that he was. Their recent conversations were as cut and dry as you could get and Logan had stopped asking for answers. “You stopped asking and I didn’t have to answer any more.”
Logan stood up and Alec knew the other man was angry but he was pacing along the foot of Alec’s bed to contain it. “I was giving you the space until you were ready to talk to me but after yesterday I can’t just sit back.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Alec growled.
“No, but you didn’t do anything.”
He had nothing to say to that. Alec could see the moment in his head, the moment when he’d seen Matty’s protruding bone and seen his clone instead of the boy in front of him. What he couldn’t remember was what happened after that. By the time Alec had been able to pull away from the flashback the boy was gone and so was almost everyone else who’d come to hear his cries.
“You think I don’t know that?” Alec snapped. He got out of bed and pulled on a clean shirt before walking out of the bedroom towards the bathroom. He didn’t want to do this today - hell he’d prefer to do it never - but Logan was pushing and Alec knew the way the other man worked. He wasn’t going to let it drop. The biggest problem was that Alec actually wanted to tell Logan. He wanted to rely on the other man and that was always trouble.
He’d half expected Logan to follow him into the bathroom but he was alone as he turned the taps to start the shower. He stripped quickly and stepped under the cool water. Usually the shower helped him calm down, allowed him to relax without eyes on him and the constant pressure to be something he wasn’t, but today it was too much. Even the water that pooled around his feet made his chest feel constricted and Alec pushed himself against the back wall of the shower to try to catch his breath.
He knew better than to close his eyes because he’d be right back there, that stupid tank and his under developed lungs and the crushing feel of the water as it poured down his throat when he couldn’t hold on any longer.
He didn’t bother turning off the shower, but stepped out, grabbing and down to wrap around his waist as he stalked out towards the windows in the living area. He didn’t want to go back to his room, where Logan might be waiting, where the walls were definitely waiting. Alec didn’t like water or closed spaces or hospitals and right now anything that spiked his adrenaline level was probably a bad place to be.
He stared out at the farm but the light was fading. He’d been asleep for longer than he would have liked. There were no nightmares after the flashback today but Alec hasn’t expected any. He was too shut down for that. It would come later though, tonight, maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. He didn’t know and he hated waiting for it. Alec refused to be a victim; for Manticore or for his own dreams.
He didn’t know when Logan came out of his bedroom but he heard the water turn off in the bathroom and Alec was just relieved that he didn’t have to go in there and face the water again. Logan was awesome like that though and Alec knew - damn it - that he’d have to deal with this now. He might have bitched his way out of it again, or at least postponed it enough to get his shit together before he talked about it, but not now. Not when he couldn’t stay in the shower long enough to turn the damn water off.
Logan didn’t approach him yet though and Alec just stared out across the fields, watching people coming and going from the main house to the apartments they’d been able to make out of the back barns. Some were obviously going about business, walking with strong, purposeful strides, while others took leisurely walks together. He and Logan did it quite often, before the last month had dragged Alec down. They’d head out into the fields where no one was around and talk about what they needed to do next, how to handle problems, or sometimes just staring up at the stars. It was comforting to Alec, to have the open sky above. It was what he needed tonight, he realized, but he didn’t want to be out there alone.
He clenched his fists and it was only then that Logan approached. He didn’t say anything, but Alec knew his friend had been watching him, waiting for the moment when Alec might be ready. “I need to get out of here,” Alec said softly.
He stared towards the door and realized Logan wasn’t behind him. He looked back and saw the shocked look on Logan’s face. “Are you coming?”
Logan was moving before the look of shock left his face. Alec wasn’t sure what had caused Logan to look like that, but he was grateful the other man didn’t ask any questions as they walked out of the house and towards the fields.
There was a small walkway between the fields and they were hidden from other’s by the tall wheat stalks of the field Alec led them to. He turned into the wheat field and led them further in. Alec had taken Logan there before and it was as close to seclusion as you could get on the farm. It wasn’t the center of the field, but it was far enough in to keep anyone from hearing what they said. As they stepped out of the wheat and into the small clearing, Alec felt himself relax a little more. There was a large rock in the center and Logan walked past Alec to climb onto the rock and find his customary seat, back against a rock face as he stretched long legs out in front of him. Alec crawled up beside him and took his place as well, lying on his back on the large rock with his head cradled in his arms.
They stared up for a few minutes, neither of them talking until Alec felt Logan shifting. “Come here,” he said softly.
Alec looked over to Logan and felt his friend pulling at him. He was pulled closer and then Logan let out a contented sigh as Alec’s head was resting on Logan’s thigh.
Alec waited for Logan to say something but he didn’t. Alec kept his own silence for a while, letting his eyes drift shut when he felt Logan’s fingers running lightly through his hair. He’d never had anyone do that, never let anyone close enough to get that sort of physical contact. It felt off that Logan was the first one to do it, but right in ways that Alec refused to think about.
The night air was beginning to cool down and Alec wondered if they would just fall asleep like that when Logan finally broke the silence.
“You’re scaring me, Alec.”
“I’d never hurt you, Logan.”
“I’m not scared of you Alec,” Logan said with the sort of quiet conviction that always undid Alec. “I’m scared for you. You aren’t dealing with this and I don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell me what I can do.”
“There’s nothing you can do, Logan,” Alec said softly. “It’s better sometimes. Worse sometimes. This just happens to be one of the worse times.”
“Because I let them bring Cadence here.”
Alec took a deep breath. “No, because someone held me underwater until I drowned.” Alec had already told him about that but he needed Logan to know it wasn’t his fault. None of it was. “It happened because someone decided I was too weak when I couldn’t kill Rachael and they decided to use someone else to show me what they could do to me, if I didn’t comply. I … I had to watch as they took my clone and hurt him over and over again. It didn’t matter what I said; they just kept hurting him. Drowning, bleeding him, breaking his bones. They just kept doing it to show that they would always fine me and they would always heal me so that I could keep doing their work. So I learned not to question my orders and I followed through with it because I knew what was in store for me if I didn’t. I learned to be alright because I knew they’d do it if I couldn’t.”
“Alec,” Logan’s voice sounded wrecked but his fingers never stopped moving through Alec’s hair.
“I saw Matty’s arm and I had a flashback. The clone didn’t have a name but I never even knew his number. I don’t know if he survived or if he died in the fire. Hell, he could have been dead before that I had no idea. I didn’t look because I didn’t want to get caught doing something I shouldn’t.”
There was silence for a few minutes and Alec took deep breaths to keep the calm that had begun to settle over him before he began talking to Logan.
“I don’t know how to help, Alec.”
Alec already knew that. He knew there were a few others on the farm that had post-traumatic stress disorder and they had a variety of treatments. Alec wasn’t really a candidate for drug therapy with his overactive metabolism though and he didn’t feel he could talk to anyone else about it.
“I feel better, here,” Alec confessed. “I didn’t want you to see me like this, but I don’t think I can talk to anyone else about it.”
“Did … did Max help? Before?”
Alec let out a snort at that. “No. She knew about psy-ops but she’d never been through it. She had no idea what it really was. For them it was just a scary place people went that made them come out different or they just disappeared altogether. Max was never good at facing up to what the rest of us went through because she left. I think that’s why the fire bothered her so much. Why she needed to help the transgenics out when they were released into the population.”
“It makes sense,” Logan said softly. “But what I really care about right now is helping you, not Max.”
Alec didn’t say anything about that. “This helps. I know you don’t believe me, but it does. Just being able to talk to you about it.”
“Yeah, I know how easy that is for you.”
There was a gentle teasing in Logan’s voice, a note that had been absent in the last month. Alec had missed it. “Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me now.”
“Somehow, I think I’ll be alright.”
Alec opened his eyes and looked up at Logan. His friend’s face was tipped up to the stars but his fingers were scratching lightly at Alec’s scalp. He wasn’t a cat but it felt damn good and there was something serene in the way Logan looked now, the awkwardness that had settled between them was gone from his face and Alec wasn’t about to do anything to stop that. Instead, he watched Logan, relaxed even further into his touch, and let them both take comfort in the moment.
On to Part Five
Author: hunters_retreat
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 26,000+
Warnings: pre-story off-screen death of a secondary character, slash
Author's Notes:Thank you so much to the mod's for this amazing challenge! And all my love to my amazing artist sillie82!
Summary: Once upon a time, Logan Cale's life made sense. Maybe not to anyone else, but it did to him. That was before he'd ever heard of Manticore, or X-5's, and certainly before he found himself the head of the Trans-normal movement that had sparked after the explosive outing of transgenics in Terminal City. Two years of fighting for the cause had taken its toll though, and not just on Logan. Anti-trans groups put a price on their heads and none more so than for Alec McDowell.
Alec tried to act like none of it bothered him but Logan knew different. They were co-conspirators and stood shoulder to shoulder leading the movement. An offhanded comment has Logan thinking it's time for a change, for the movement and for himself. Will Logan's grand experiment - a self-sustaining farming community for humans and transgenics alike - give them the chance to make peace with the world or will it fail? Will it give Alec the chance to finally heal from his emotional scars that a life as a Manticore assassin left him? And will they both finally realize what they’ve been fighting for all along?
“We really can’t keep this up,” Logan said softly, eyes staring out the window of his office to look over the fields. He didn’t need to be closer to know that the two people he was looking at were fighting.
“How long has it been this bad?”
Logan turned around in his chair and looked at the man in front of him. No one could have guessed at the way things would turn out the day transgenics holed up in Jam Pony and took hostages but the man in front of him was one of the good surprised. Sketchy had been aching for a larger purpose, running from story to story about transgenics and Manticore before it all happened, but learning that the people he worked with were genetically engineered had changed his opinion about the whole thing.
“Since she got here,” Logan admitted. “Cadence has trouble with ordinaries,” he knew he sounded defeated but he’d hoped that he could help the transgenic. Even Mole, who had a less than stellar view of humans, had been able to integrate into their community without much of an issue. It felt too much like a failure to have to find another place for Cadence but he knew he needed to.
“You know, I’ve got a friend down in San Diego who has a place for transgenics. There are some humans there helping him out, but mostly it’s transgenics helping other transgenics deal with what they’ve been through. He used to work at Jam Pony, before Alec came along. Herbal. You must have heard Max-”
He stopped as soon as he said her name and Logan let out a deep breath. “Yeah, I heard Max talk about him. I don’t remember him that well though. How did he get involved with all of this?”
“Same way as me. Just knew some people and when it all came to light he had friends that were transgenic. Some of them had been through some bad shit and he helped them create a place for them to help each other out. If she’s having this much trouble with humans, it might be the best place for her. For now anyway.”
“I’d heard about it before, but I haven’t been able to send out anyone to make an alliance. You think Herbal would take Cadence in?”
“I was planning on heading up to Terminal City when I was done here, but I can put that on hold to see if Herbal has room for another lost soul. It’s what he does though and I’m sure he’ll take her in.”
Logan turned back to look out the window. “Yeah, thanks Sketchy. I wouldn’t turn her out if there was no place for her to go, but if she can get help then I appreciate anything you could do. I’ll write up a letter for you to take to Herbal.”
“What, do I look like a messenger?”
Logan smiled at the joking tone of Sketch’s words. “You do look like this guy I used to know.” He didn’t really though. Sketchy had grown into a dedicated and honest reporter. Unlike Eyes Only who kept his face in the dark, Sketchy travelled and made sure his stories got out to the masses. He moved across the country with a dedicated group of friends who worked with him and protected him as he dug deeper into the corruption of the world. He also made sure that the Trans-human Movement got a fair account when the stories were told. He was welcome to the community and Logan was glad to call him a friend.
“So what about that other guy you used to know?” Sketchy asked, looking pointedly out the window where Logan’s attention kept turning. “He’s not the same.”
Logan shook his head. “Your guess is as good as mine, Sketch. Alec doesn’t let anyone know what’s going on in his head.”
“I thought you broke him of that habit?”
“So did I.”
Sketchy gave him a small smile. “You know, after OC died when you and Alec pulled together to keep the Movement going, I thought for sure you’d just chew each other up. I figured you’d both go your own ways and it would end just as bad as it began.”
Sketchy was one of the few people who knew the whole truth of how Alec and Logan had met. Alec had confessed it to him after the blockades around Terminal City had fallen and they’d thought that they had a chance of making it work in Seattle.
“But you didn’t. Alec helped you relax and let go. You helped Alec connect to something, to a cause. To a person. You were both more relaxed. Whatever is going on between you two now though, it’s making him close up again. I don’t mind admitting how surprised I was when he walked away from us at lunch.”
Logan had been as well. He knew that things had been rough between Alec and himself since the nightmares had begun, but he’d expected Alec to want to catch up with Sketchy once he’d gotten through all the hellos and delivering the news he had. It bothered Logan to know that Alec was shutting everyone out and not just him.
“He’s dealing with something right now. He won’t let me help and I don’t know what else to do but wait for him to remember he’s not alone.”
Sketchy dropped a hand to Logan’s shoulder and smiled. “You aren’t either. I think it’s time I took a crack at our boy.”
**
Alec stared down at the ground beneath his feet and did his best not to scowl at the others. Even Mole was giving him a wide berth today and it said something about his mood that Alec couldn’t even appreciate a Mole-less day. It started out the same as every other; waking from another nightmare and stepping out of his room to find Logan with his goddamned all-knowing eyes. They’d shared the same stunted conversation over breakfast, hashed out the daily schedule, before Alec disappeared from the house and tried to bury his head in farming or building or whatever manual labor he could find that would keep the memories out of his head.
It wasn’t working. It didn’t matter what he did, something always came up to remind him of his days at Manticore. It was eating away at him and he hated that it was coming out now, after he’d been out of their clutches for so long. He hated that it was happening when Logan needed him to have his shit together.
Cadence’s never ending round of flirt-push-degrade had broken his resolve to try to get along with the transgenic - again - and even if the taunts about his relationship with Logan were completely unfounded, not even Alec could believe the lie that things were fine between them.
“What did that piece of dirt ever do to you?”
Alec looked up at the familiar voice but he was too tired to put on his patented don’t-I-look-fine smile. “Hey Sketch. What brings you out to the fields today? You’re not going to stick around and do an honest day’s work, are you?”
“God forbid. I’ll leave that to the farmers. I’m just a lowly reporter who’d probably burn down the farm if I attempted to help out.”
Alec couldn’t help but smile at Sketchy’s self-deprecating sense of humor. He’d certainly changed over the years, but in good ways. His childlike enthusiasm for a story had become dedication and he’d matured into a responsible adult. Who knew Sketchy had that in him?
“As opposed to the other reporter running this place?”
“Logan might burn it down if he was on his own, but I know you’re here to keep him in line.”
Alec barely refrained from rolling his eyes at the idea of keeping Logan in line. The man damn well did whatever he wanted to, no matter what anyone else thought about it, and Alec had gotten really good at fixing it. Alright, so that wasn’t exactly fair but Alec was having a hard time lately and just when he’d gotten used to the idea of Logan being around, he wasn’t.
“Logan wouldn’t know where to find a match on the farm. You think they even let us into the kitchen to turn on the stove?”
Sketchy laughed. “It’s a pretty nice set up you got here, though. Especially you and Logan up in the main house, all cozy like.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He knew he was off kilter. He shouldn’t responded to Sketchy’s comment like that but the other man had no idea how cozy it had been there for a while, nor how distant Logan seemed lately. Alec knew wh
y the other man was pulling away but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
“Just … noticing. I always thought you two would get along well enough without Max in the way.”
There was no flinching in Sketchy’s voice as he mentioned Max and it was a relief. No one talked about Max and Cindy in front of him anymore, except for Logan and he was as closely guarded about them as Alec was. He didn’t know if it was Logan’s own sense of grief or a fear of what Alec would say about them, but Logan kept his thoughts and feelings about them to himself. Mostly, Alec was alright with it. It didn’t bother him when Sketch mentioned her though and Alec wondered if that was what it felt like; to be free of the guilt.
“Yeah, well Max liked to stir the pot and see what she could dredge up. Logan doesn’t need the drama she had going on.” There was a lot more he could say about it, things that were far more accurate to his real feelings than that, but he wasn’t willing to give Sketchy more ammunition against him.
His friend just smiled though. “True enough.” Sketch looked at him for a second, then shook his head. “Doesn’t really deserve this either though.”
“What?”
“You, cutting him off the way you are. Everyone around here is walking on egg shells around you man and I’m just surprised Logan hasn’t called you on it yet.”
Alec snorted because his temper was shorter than ever right now but it was entirely to do with Logan and the fact that Logan had pulled away from Alec because of his stupid nightmares. Alec understood, he did. He just never thought that Logan would consider Alec, even with his issues, too much trouble to deal with.
“Yeah, well when Logan decides he wants to talk to me again, I’m sure it’ll be the first thing he says.”
Sketchy’s face was almost comical, the way his eyes widened and mouth fell open, but Alec was shushing him before he could say anything else. He heard someone crying. He didn’t tell Sketchy, but ran off to the main house where he’d heard it, the other man running behind him.
He got there just in time to see one of the kids trying to get up from the ground. Matty was only five and he’d obviously taken a nasty fall from one of the fruit trees and he was holding his arm against his chest.
“Matty,” Alec called the boy’s name. Others were on their way, Alec could hear them running towards them but he was the first there. Matty was crying, tears streaking his face as he whimpered in pain. It was just an accident, but it struck Alec hard, that the boy was hurt at Touchstone. “It’s alright. We’ll make sure you’re alright.”
He crouched down so he could look at the boy’s arm but pulled away as soon as he saw it. The bone was protruding and Alec couldn’t breathe as green eyes looked up at him, imploring him to do something.
He could feel an arm around his shoulder as he stared through the window across the medical bed to the boy lying there. “We’ll make sure you’re alright, so long as you remember who you are 494,” the voice said softly in his ear. “And if you don’t, there are so many things more terrible than death. We’ll teach you every one.”
As she said it, he watched the young boy as they broke his arm, bone protruding through the skin in two places. The boy screamed, but Alec didn’t hear it. He could only hear her voice and stare down at his younger clone who understood that whatever they were doing to him was just about Alec. It was the same when they broke his legs and healed him. It was the same when they drowned him the day before that, holding him under water time and time again only to resuscitate him.
“It’s alright, 494. We’ll get your head on straight and you’ll be fine. We’ll make sure you’re always alright.”
It was always the same and the only way to stop it was to agree to whatever Manticore wanted him to do. No matter what the job was, this was waiting for him if he screwed up again. This was what waited for him if he failed again the way he had with Rachael.
“Alec?”
He shivered as a hand touched his shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to remember where he was.
“Alec, are you alright?”
It was Logan. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there but Matty was gone and only Sketchy and Mole were with them behind the house.
“He hasn’t said a word since the kid showed him his arm,” Sketchy said to the others. Alec wanted to say something about being alright but no words would come. He shivered again and felt someone pulling at his arms, leading him away. He didn’t have the will to fight the movement so he went.
It wasn’t a long walk to the house, but they didn’t stop at the lower level. Alec was pulled back into his apartment and pushed down into his bed. The voices didn’t stop talking around him, but nothing made much sense until Logan sat on the bed beside him, looking down.
“Just get some sleep, Alec. I’m here.”
He closed his eyes because Logan was talking to him again, looking like he cared, and he didn’t want to disrupt the momentary truce. Besides, he was tired and he didn’t want to remember the look in his clone’s eyes as he’d set the first break, knowing it was just one of many before Alec finally broke.
**
“He was frozen. I’ve never seen an X-5 freeze like that before.”
The last thing Logan wanted at that exact moment was to listen to Mole’s opinion of Alec’s mental state. He didn’t really want Sketchy’s either but Alec was asleep in his bed and Logan had to deal with this now, while he could. He had no idea what Alec would be like when he woke up. If it was anything like his reaction to the pond incident then Logan needed time to think and plan. He needed to find a way to get past Alec’s defenses and keep him from backing off again.
He had no idea what was happening lately. He’d tried to give Alec the space he seemed to need to get through this, but nothing was working. Alec was just pulling away from him instead of figuring out how to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks. Logan hadn’t felt this much distance between them since before they’d holed up in Jam Pony with White on their backs. He had no idea how to bridge the gap between them, but he was ready to lock Alec in a room and have at it until the other man agreed to tell him what was wrong.
“I couldn’t look at the boy’s arm. It was freaky stuff man.” Sketchy said, leaning against the small dining table.
“Not for Alec it wasn’t.”
There was something strange in Mole’s voice. If it had been anyone else, Logan would have thought it was concern but Mole and Alec had a long standing agreement to dislike one another and Logan didn’t think Mole would be the one to break it. Only there was something going on there and Logan was too focused on Alec in the other room to understand.
“Everyone has something they can’t handle,” Logan said almost absently.
“You don’t get it. For all the work you do with us, you don’t get it,” Mole said, but the anger in his voice was gone. “The X-5 series weren’t allowed to have faults. If they did, they went to psy-ops or they never came back.”
“We’ve had glimpses of the way the X-5s were trained. Max took us through it,” Sketchy said quietly.
“Really? Max told you? The girl who escaped when she was 10? What would she know about training? They were barely getting started with her unit when they split. And I’ll tell you something else,” Mole said, walking closer to Sketchy. “For the rest of the series they left behind it was worse. They trained until there was no way a flaw could have gone unnoticed. Then Alec’s pretty boy twin went off the reservation and became a serial killer. Alec was already under the guns. What do you think they did then?”
Sketchy turned wide eyes to Logan and Mole followed with a sneer on his face. “A broken arm, a little bone, that’s nothing that would take an X-5 out of his game, and certainly not someone like Alec. Whatever the hell just happened out there, Alec is cracking and you need to take care of it before he becomes dangerous.”
“You really think Alec is a danger?”
Mole stood up taller, straightening his shoulders. “Most dangerous man you’ve ever met, and we both know what happened when the other one lost it.”
Mole walked out of the apartment then and Logan let out a deep breath.
“A serial killer?”
“It’s a long story, but Alec had a twin named Ben. He was part of Max’s unit. He didn’t do so well on the outside and he became a killer. Alec said he was back in psy-ops because of what his twin did. I don’t think he or Max ever wanted anyone to know just what that meant though.”
Sketchy sighed. “Sounds like your boy, alright. So, what do we do now?”
Alec shook his head. “You have messages to deliver and I have a farm to run,” he said softly. “But I’ll talk to Alec. Whatever is going on in his head, I’ll make him talk. I’m not letting him push me away again.”
“He thinks you don’t want to talk to him.”
“What? Alec said that?”
“Yeah, so whatever is happening between you two, you better clear things up. I’d hate to come back next time around and find one of you dead.”
Logan laughed and it felt good to just relax for a minute. “Yeah, we’ll take care of it.”
They stayed a while longer, catching up about the world around them, but then Sketchy walked out to find his bed for the evening and Logan was left alone. He walked into Alec’s room and watched the way his friend turned towards him as if he senses Logan’s presence. Logan didn’t say anything, but he pulled the chair out from Alec’s desk and moved it next to the bed. He sat there, wondering how he was going to make things right between them. He didn’t have an answer, but he fell asleep where he was, thinking he’d stay right there until he figured it out.
**
Alec woke quickly. Manticore made sure he was a light sleeper, through enhanced senses and training that ensured he didn’t allow anyone close while he slept. Except that right there at his side, sleeping in a chair, was Logan. Somehow Logan had slipped through that bit of protection and Alec’s internal warning system no longer registered him as a possible threat. It was unnerving, but as he tried to sit up, Logan twitched awake.
“Alec? Are you okay?”
Alec sat up, trying to ignore the way the memories of the day before tried to spring into his head. He groaned, more concerned about the weakness he knew the others had seen in him than anything else. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t you have something better to do than to stare at me? I know I’m pretty but-”
“Stop, Alec.”
“Logan.”
“No. This is enough. I don’t know what else to do to help you Alec but I won’t let you keep pushing me away. What happened yesterday?”
“I didn’t push you away Logan.” He wasn’t sure how Logan could think that he was. Their recent conversations were as cut and dry as you could get and Logan had stopped asking for answers. “You stopped asking and I didn’t have to answer any more.”
Logan stood up and Alec knew the other man was angry but he was pacing along the foot of Alec’s bed to contain it. “I was giving you the space until you were ready to talk to me but after yesterday I can’t just sit back.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Alec growled.
“No, but you didn’t do anything.”
He had nothing to say to that. Alec could see the moment in his head, the moment when he’d seen Matty’s protruding bone and seen his clone instead of the boy in front of him. What he couldn’t remember was what happened after that. By the time Alec had been able to pull away from the flashback the boy was gone and so was almost everyone else who’d come to hear his cries.
“You think I don’t know that?” Alec snapped. He got out of bed and pulled on a clean shirt before walking out of the bedroom towards the bathroom. He didn’t want to do this today - hell he’d prefer to do it never - but Logan was pushing and Alec knew the way the other man worked. He wasn’t going to let it drop. The biggest problem was that Alec actually wanted to tell Logan. He wanted to rely on the other man and that was always trouble.
He’d half expected Logan to follow him into the bathroom but he was alone as he turned the taps to start the shower. He stripped quickly and stepped under the cool water. Usually the shower helped him calm down, allowed him to relax without eyes on him and the constant pressure to be something he wasn’t, but today it was too much. Even the water that pooled around his feet made his chest feel constricted and Alec pushed himself against the back wall of the shower to try to catch his breath.
He knew better than to close his eyes because he’d be right back there, that stupid tank and his under developed lungs and the crushing feel of the water as it poured down his throat when he couldn’t hold on any longer.
He didn’t bother turning off the shower, but stepped out, grabbing and down to wrap around his waist as he stalked out towards the windows in the living area. He didn’t want to go back to his room, where Logan might be waiting, where the walls were definitely waiting. Alec didn’t like water or closed spaces or hospitals and right now anything that spiked his adrenaline level was probably a bad place to be.
He stared out at the farm but the light was fading. He’d been asleep for longer than he would have liked. There were no nightmares after the flashback today but Alec hasn’t expected any. He was too shut down for that. It would come later though, tonight, maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. He didn’t know and he hated waiting for it. Alec refused to be a victim; for Manticore or for his own dreams.
He didn’t know when Logan came out of his bedroom but he heard the water turn off in the bathroom and Alec was just relieved that he didn’t have to go in there and face the water again. Logan was awesome like that though and Alec knew - damn it - that he’d have to deal with this now. He might have bitched his way out of it again, or at least postponed it enough to get his shit together before he talked about it, but not now. Not when he couldn’t stay in the shower long enough to turn the damn water off.
Logan didn’t approach him yet though and Alec just stared out across the fields, watching people coming and going from the main house to the apartments they’d been able to make out of the back barns. Some were obviously going about business, walking with strong, purposeful strides, while others took leisurely walks together. He and Logan did it quite often, before the last month had dragged Alec down. They’d head out into the fields where no one was around and talk about what they needed to do next, how to handle problems, or sometimes just staring up at the stars. It was comforting to Alec, to have the open sky above. It was what he needed tonight, he realized, but he didn’t want to be out there alone.
He clenched his fists and it was only then that Logan approached. He didn’t say anything, but Alec knew his friend had been watching him, waiting for the moment when Alec might be ready. “I need to get out of here,” Alec said softly.
He stared towards the door and realized Logan wasn’t behind him. He looked back and saw the shocked look on Logan’s face. “Are you coming?”
Logan was moving before the look of shock left his face. Alec wasn’t sure what had caused Logan to look like that, but he was grateful the other man didn’t ask any questions as they walked out of the house and towards the fields.
There was a small walkway between the fields and they were hidden from other’s by the tall wheat stalks of the field Alec led them to. He turned into the wheat field and led them further in. Alec had taken Logan there before and it was as close to seclusion as you could get on the farm. It wasn’t the center of the field, but it was far enough in to keep anyone from hearing what they said. As they stepped out of the wheat and into the small clearing, Alec felt himself relax a little more. There was a large rock in the center and Logan walked past Alec to climb onto the rock and find his customary seat, back against a rock face as he stretched long legs out in front of him. Alec crawled up beside him and took his place as well, lying on his back on the large rock with his head cradled in his arms.
They stared up for a few minutes, neither of them talking until Alec felt Logan shifting. “Come here,” he said softly.
Alec looked over to Logan and felt his friend pulling at him. He was pulled closer and then Logan let out a contented sigh as Alec’s head was resting on Logan’s thigh.
Alec waited for Logan to say something but he didn’t. Alec kept his own silence for a while, letting his eyes drift shut when he felt Logan’s fingers running lightly through his hair. He’d never had anyone do that, never let anyone close enough to get that sort of physical contact. It felt off that Logan was the first one to do it, but right in ways that Alec refused to think about.
The night air was beginning to cool down and Alec wondered if they would just fall asleep like that when Logan finally broke the silence.
“You’re scaring me, Alec.”
“I’d never hurt you, Logan.”
“I’m not scared of you Alec,” Logan said with the sort of quiet conviction that always undid Alec. “I’m scared for you. You aren’t dealing with this and I don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell me what I can do.”
“There’s nothing you can do, Logan,” Alec said softly. “It’s better sometimes. Worse sometimes. This just happens to be one of the worse times.”
“Because I let them bring Cadence here.”
Alec took a deep breath. “No, because someone held me underwater until I drowned.” Alec had already told him about that but he needed Logan to know it wasn’t his fault. None of it was. “It happened because someone decided I was too weak when I couldn’t kill Rachael and they decided to use someone else to show me what they could do to me, if I didn’t comply. I … I had to watch as they took my clone and hurt him over and over again. It didn’t matter what I said; they just kept hurting him. Drowning, bleeding him, breaking his bones. They just kept doing it to show that they would always fine me and they would always heal me so that I could keep doing their work. So I learned not to question my orders and I followed through with it because I knew what was in store for me if I didn’t. I learned to be alright because I knew they’d do it if I couldn’t.”
“Alec,” Logan’s voice sounded wrecked but his fingers never stopped moving through Alec’s hair.
“I saw Matty’s arm and I had a flashback. The clone didn’t have a name but I never even knew his number. I don’t know if he survived or if he died in the fire. Hell, he could have been dead before that I had no idea. I didn’t look because I didn’t want to get caught doing something I shouldn’t.”
There was silence for a few minutes and Alec took deep breaths to keep the calm that had begun to settle over him before he began talking to Logan.
“I don’t know how to help, Alec.”
Alec already knew that. He knew there were a few others on the farm that had post-traumatic stress disorder and they had a variety of treatments. Alec wasn’t really a candidate for drug therapy with his overactive metabolism though and he didn’t feel he could talk to anyone else about it.
“I feel better, here,” Alec confessed. “I didn’t want you to see me like this, but I don’t think I can talk to anyone else about it.”
“Did … did Max help? Before?”
Alec let out a snort at that. “No. She knew about psy-ops but she’d never been through it. She had no idea what it really was. For them it was just a scary place people went that made them come out different or they just disappeared altogether. Max was never good at facing up to what the rest of us went through because she left. I think that’s why the fire bothered her so much. Why she needed to help the transgenics out when they were released into the population.”
“It makes sense,” Logan said softly. “But what I really care about right now is helping you, not Max.”
Alec didn’t say anything about that. “This helps. I know you don’t believe me, but it does. Just being able to talk to you about it.”
“Yeah, I know how easy that is for you.”
There was a gentle teasing in Logan’s voice, a note that had been absent in the last month. Alec had missed it. “Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me now.”
“Somehow, I think I’ll be alright.”
Alec opened his eyes and looked up at Logan. His friend’s face was tipped up to the stars but his fingers were scratching lightly at Alec’s scalp. He wasn’t a cat but it felt damn good and there was something serene in the way Logan looked now, the awkwardness that had settled between them was gone from his face and Alec wasn’t about to do anything to stop that. Instead, he watched Logan, relaxed even further into his touch, and let them both take comfort in the moment.
On to Part Five