i want a hug
I didn't get cast for the musical. So I'll do lights or something. It'll be weird with everyone going to rehearsal and me staying behind. simply odd. I like tech stuff, so it doesn't bother me at all that I didn't get casted. And I honesty don't like The Three Penny Opra.
I think I'm depressed. And I don't know why. I hate that. I get all emotional about the dumbest stuff for no reason. The depression will pass, it always does, I...just want a reason for it. If their was a reason for this fatigue of everything then it would be fine, I could deal with it, get over it. I'll just go play with power tools or something else that makes me happy. And maybe the happy feeling will stay.
I won't go to the doctor for this, I just won't. I get depressed all the time for no reason, so I'm used to it. I know when I'm depressed, I'm not in denial. And I hate what anti-depressants do to me. I was taking some at the beginning of the year for sleep. Two different kinds and both made my sleep worse. They also made me feel fake and, I don't know, they did something and I didn't like it.
Putting depression aside, why do people treat me different? I feel like I'm untouchable. Like people are afraid to touch me. That I'm just this tough girl that if you mess with you'll get beat up. Yes, I know that's what I look like, what I sound like because my voice is so low. But that's not want I want to be. I wish people would just look past my walls that I've put up. I can't make the first move, my walls won't let me, I've kept them up for too long.
Maybe that's why I feel so distant to all my friends. Because of these damn walls I put up long ago to protect myself. But I don't need them any more. I've pulled down some on my own. I'm talking to people who aren’t family. I've made friends, although, I've never had someone to call a best friend. I'm almost 19 and I've never had a best friend. Sure, I have Amber, but she's my sister and I'll always be there for her and she for me. But I'm talking about outside the family. Who have I confided in, who have I dropped my walls for, who have I stopped acting for.
Maybe all this is irreverent and just an issue because I'm deperessed. I don't know.
I don't care.
I'll rethink this in a week and see if I still feel the same.
I think I'm depressed. And I don't know why. I hate that. I get all emotional about the dumbest stuff for no reason. The depression will pass, it always does, I...just want a reason for it. If their was a reason for this fatigue of everything then it would be fine, I could deal with it, get over it. I'll just go play with power tools or something else that makes me happy. And maybe the happy feeling will stay.
I won't go to the doctor for this, I just won't. I get depressed all the time for no reason, so I'm used to it. I know when I'm depressed, I'm not in denial. And I hate what anti-depressants do to me. I was taking some at the beginning of the year for sleep. Two different kinds and both made my sleep worse. They also made me feel fake and, I don't know, they did something and I didn't like it.
Putting depression aside, why do people treat me different? I feel like I'm untouchable. Like people are afraid to touch me. That I'm just this tough girl that if you mess with you'll get beat up. Yes, I know that's what I look like, what I sound like because my voice is so low. But that's not want I want to be. I wish people would just look past my walls that I've put up. I can't make the first move, my walls won't let me, I've kept them up for too long.
Maybe that's why I feel so distant to all my friends. Because of these damn walls I put up long ago to protect myself. But I don't need them any more. I've pulled down some on my own. I'm talking to people who aren’t family. I've made friends, although, I've never had someone to call a best friend. I'm almost 19 and I've never had a best friend. Sure, I have Amber, but she's my sister and I'll always be there for her and she for me. But I'm talking about outside the family. Who have I confided in, who have I dropped my walls for, who have I stopped acting for.
Maybe all this is irreverent and just an issue because I'm deperessed. I don't know.
I don't care.
I'll rethink this in a week and see if I still feel the same.