secret santa gift

[orangesalad]

gift no.7
for venetianskies


Yunho doesn't say I love you.

Sometimes when Changmin really means it and needs to hear it back, just for confirmation, for validation that his feelings are not one sided, it's almost too painful when he doesn't get it.

"Me too," Yunho kisses his mouth and smiles against his lips, his eyes shining as his lashes flutter open and his eyes sparkle. The expression on his face says it, the gentle touch of his mouth tastes of it but his words are the same.

And it hurts a little too much.

Jaejoong feeds him when he's depressed and unfocused, which lately has been his natural state of mind.

"Don't take it personal, Changmin," Jaejoong runs a calming hand down his back as he takes the empty plate. "It's just the way he is."

How is he not supposed to take it personal? Sometimes he thinks his own lack of emotion tops the bar, that is, until Yunho sets it higher and he finds himself confused.

Yoochun closes the door to the balcony and smells of smoke as he passes by and pours himself a glass of water. "Changmin," he says deeply and smiles kindly.

Changmin narrows his eyes. "What?"

"I love you," he tells him easily.

Changmin hates him sometimes. "Shut up, Yoochun."

He laughs and takes a long drink and throws the rest out.

Jaejoong smiles sympathetically and squeezes his shoulder as he passes by then punches Yoochun in the stomach.

"Ow, what was that for?" he cries and starts to leave.

"Yoochun, leave," Jaejoong tells him and Changmin frowns down at his hands.

It's all a joke to them.

"Just want him to know even if Yunho doesn't, I love him. Changmin, I love you," he sings past and Changmin throws his fork at him, which he surprisingly ducks, possibly anticipating retribution.

"Shut the fuck up, you asshole," he yells at his departing form.

When he's gone he looks at Jaejoong who's smiling.

"It's not funny," he mutters and sighs, resting against the back of his chair. "I hope he gets Enphazyma," he adds and it has Jaejoong laughing quite cruelly.

"Don't say that," he squeezes his shoulder and begins to leave him alone when Junsu appears with a confused look on his face.

Changmin knows that can't possibly be good.

"Yoochun told me to tell Changmin I love him," he looks right at Changmin. "Do I have to?" he wonders and Changmin roars getting to his feet.

"I'm leaving."

And he does.

"Where were you?" Yunho asks him when they're lying in bed and it's dark.

Changmin shifts carefully and opens his eyes to black. "I needed to clear my head," he tells him and sighs when he feels gentle fingers in his hair.

When he's away, he misses his touch.

"Are the guys messing with you?" he asks apprehensively and kisses his temple.

He thinks he should tell him what's bothering him, that yes, the guys are messing with him, but more importantly he thinks he's messing with him more.

But it's late and maybe it's a conversation they should have at a better time. When he's not so hung up, when he's not so emotional about it.

"Go to sleep, Yunho," he lifts his head from his chest and kisses his mouth.

Yunho lets out a breathy sigh as he pulls away and Changmin thinks it hurts somewhere in his chest.

"I love you, Yunho," he whispers softly and waits for it.

Hopes for it.

"Me too."

It's not that Yunho has never said he loved him.

Changmin remembers one night when everyone was tired, close to tears with exhaustion and Yunho hugged them all and gave words of encouragement. When it was Changmin's turn he took him away and they hid in a small room with a flickering light above them.

He held him and Changmin cried maybe for the fourth time in his life and Yunho touched him reverently and kissed his tears away and said it.

It was soft and filled with love and Changmin really believed it.

Changmin comes home in another car with Yoochun who's talking about something asinine he's not paying attention to.

"Stop talking, Yoochun," Changmin pleads and rubs at his temples. He wants to see Yunho and he wonders why he and Jaejoong left so early from rehearsals without them.

"I'm telling you-"

"I. Don't. Care," he whines and starts walking towards the bathroom.

Yoochun huffs annoyed as he slumps on the couch. While he walks through the hall he can hear Jaejoong's voice.

And he hears Yunho's.

And it sounds like their fighting.

A part of him wants to listen to what's going on but he's too polite for that.

But he really wants too.

"Don't be creepy."

Changmin looks over to see Junsu walking towards him from his room.

"I'm not," he snaps and steps away from the door feeling a little embarrassed. When he hears his name he flushes and walks hurriedly to the bathroom.

He almost hopes Jaejoong is ripping Yunho a new one, on the other hand, he doesn't want Jaejoong fighting his battles.

He should be secure enough to do it himself.

Though sometimes he's afraid he isn't and Jaejoong has no problem yelling at Yunho, which makes it alright.

When he comes out the voices are gone and the television is on.

Jaejoong is sitting beside Yoochun and Junsu is eating in the kitchen. His eyes search for Yunho immediately and when Jaejoong looks at him he bites his bottom lip.

"He went out," Jaejoong tells him and Changmin nods.

"I'm going to lay down."

No matter what happens throughout the day, if they find time to be together or not, at night, before sleep, when they lay in bed, it's together. Just them and no one else.

Changmin doesn't like to pry but with his emotional state a little shaky he feels like he's losing him, or maybe being shoved away.

"You were out a long time," he says and feels Yunho chest rise and fall with each breath.

"I needed some air," his hand slides down his back and Changmin shivers a little excitedly despite the situation.

He sighs. "I heard you and Jaejoong," he admits.

"Did you?" Yunho's hand stops suddenly and it makes Changmin worry.

"But I didn't catch anything," he tells him truthfully and hopes he hasn't upset him.

Yunho shifts and takes his hand away, pulling the blankets further up.

Changmin remains still.

And silence takes over.

It's uncomfortable and he wonders when things started feeling awkward.

"Do you need me to say it?" he asks suddenly.

Changmin wants to scream yes. But his character is much more reserved to respond with that kind of reaction.

"It would be nice to hear it sometimes," he answers instead, calmly, despite the rapid speed of his aching heart.

He turns quiet again.

Changmin feels his stomach tighten unhappily.

"I love you," Yunho tells him and it's dead and forced.

Changmin thinks it hurts more, like a cinderblock smashing into his stomach, and he pulls away, sitting up. "Don't say it like that," he says and throws the blankets off, his feet hitting the floor.

The bed dips as Yunho moves. "Changmin," he touches him and it burns.

He keeps his back turned and looks out the window, his eyes glistening with heartbreak. "If you don't want to say it, that's fine but when you say it like that, you don't mean it," and he stands up grabbing the pillow from the other, unoccupied bed. "And that makes it worse."

"Min-"

He walks to the door and can see the soft silhouette of Yunho's body sitting in bed. "I'm going to sleep on the couch," he tells him as he opens the door quietly and leaves.

Yunho sends flowers and an apology card to the recording studio under a nickname only they know of. Jaejoong smiles but Changmin tells him to throw them out.

"I'm not a girl," he mutters and decides to go for a run to release the tension from his shoulders.

The first time Yunho said he loved him they were both a little too drunk and a lot too friendly.

It was also the first time they kissed, really kissed and Changmin, who had somehow turned all emo and Yoochun-like, was finally able to confess his true feelings.

It was a good memory and he thought the beginning of something great.

Yoochun is good for one thing.

And that's getting him drunk.

Changmin doesn't tell anyone where he's going but he's sure Yoochun told Jaejoong to avoid the impending onslaught of phone calls and text messages he usually sends when he's ill informed of their whereabouts.

"Drink it," Yoochun laughs and Changmin thinks his face may actually be green.

"I don't want too," he grumbles, his vision a little unfocused, his equilibrium a bit tweaky. He thinks if he has another shot it may come up just as fast as it went down.

He holds the shot glass unsteadily and feels the warm liquid splash onto his fingers.

"Do it!" Yoochun urges and downs his own shot, looking positively sober, which pisses Changmin off because he's almost positive he's had the same amount to drink if not more.

He curses Yoochun's ability to hold his liquor when he can't.

"How are you not drunk?" Changmin burps in his mouth and covers his lips with his free hand just in case.

Yoochun grins and reaches for the shot Changmin seems incapable of drinking but Changmin shakes his head. "I am drunk, I just hide it better. Are you going to drink that because if not, give it here. That's expensive shit."

Changmin glares as he takes the shot and thinks maybe he shouldn't have.

His stomach his hurting from too much alcohol and he thinks he may have heart burn from the greasy take-out they had before deciding on a bar. "I'm done," he waves his hand and his head feels heavy. He wants to pass out.

Yoochun motions and the waiter nods, Changmin can feel Yoochun's eyes on him.

"You know he loves you right?" he says and Changmin looks at him through his hazy vision and is pretty sure Yoochun's talking about Yunho.

He frowns.

He hasn't really seen him or talked to him which is quite a task considering they live together and sleep in the same room, same bed.

He misses him.

And he hates himself for feeling so lovesick.

But he hates Yunho for being mean and what he did was just that. It was mean.

He wants to have a good night so he stops Yoochun from talking more.

"Don't talk about him," Changmin sighs and rubs at his eyes but they remain blurry.

Yoochun nods and changes the subject. Another thing he's good at.

The waiter comes and Yoochun, for once in his life, pays for everything. As he sets the bill down on the table he begins pulling on his jacket and Changmin doesn't feel like moving. In fact, he wants to sleep.

"Should we walk back?" Yoochun asks and Changmin shakes his head.

"We should sleep," he suggests and rests his cheek on the table top.

It's sticky but he doesn't care. Not while he's drunk anyway.

He can hear Yoochun laugh as his chair scrapes against the floor.

"Come on, we're going to the bathroom, you're going to splash some water on your face and you're going to remember you're an idol," he winks and helps Changmin from his seat, throwing his arm across his shoulders.

He doesn't know how the hell he's going to walk out of here without looking completely smashed.

Yoochun helps him.

Which is another thing he's good at.

In the cab Changmin rests his head on Yoochun's shoulder as he runs his fingers through his hair.

It's comforting and feels pretty great.

He thinks Yoochun is pretty great, a friend who, although can drive him crazy, is there for him when he's feeling down and knows how to make him feel better.

"How are you feeling?" Yoochun asks softly in his ear, his breath warm on his neck and with the fingers in his hair, Changmin feels himself shudder for a moment.

"Nice," he mutters and sniffs, burying just a little deeper into Yoochun's neck. Yoochun smells good, his skin soft against his nose and somehow he finds himself nuzzling against it.

"You might want to stop that," Yoochun whispers through a throaty laugh.

Changmin opens his eyes and he can see Yoochun staring down at him. He looks handsome and a little flushed from all the drinks, his neck warm. Changmin feels his stomach clenche a little; it's not an uncomfortable feeling. In fact he finds it a little exciting.

There's something very handsome about Yoochun that Changmin's always appreciated, from his smiling eyes and full lips to his loving disposition. Sometimes when he's upset and the only comfort he seeks is Yoochun, it makes him wonder what if.

"You're always here for me," Changmin reaches out and curls an arm around Yoochun's waist and presses against him tight. Yoochun tenses only for a moment before relaxing comfortably.

"Just want to make sure you're doing ok," his fingers brush Changmin's neck carefully and move back into his hair.

It's terribly arousing.

And he thinks the alcohol is playing with his body.

And maybe his mind.

"I haven't you know. In a while," he doesn't really know what he's saying but Yoochun is looking at the cab driver and back at him cautiously. "Do you think maybe we could-"

Yoochun smiles slowly and continues to run his fingers through his hair. "Are you trying to seduce me?" he asks.

Changmin flushes but feels butterflies.

He and Yunho haven't done anything in a long time.

It's partly his own fault.

And to be completely honest, he's really feeling the tension in his stomach and around his shoulders and releasing that tension would be quite amazing.

Changmin shifts around Yoochun, still very drunk. "You think I'm cute right?" he asks quite boldly and feels Yoochun shake in laughter.

"If you like that strong arrogant type, you know with a gorgeous face and sexy legs," he moves a little for comfort, his hands still sweeping, "but who likes that? I mean, I don't," he stops talking, then licks his lips, "so no, I don't think you're cute, Changmin," he looks into his eyes and Changmin feels fire pass though him. "I think you're fucking gorgeous."

Changmin thinks he wants to kiss Yoochun right now. In the cab. And he doesn't care if someone sees him.

He thinks he needs it.

"And you love me?" he whispers moving a little closer, feeling euphoric in Yoochun's attention.

Yoochun brings the other hand up and runs his fingers against his mouth slowly; achingly sweet it leaves him breathless.

"I love you very much, Changmin," he leans in closer and Changmin closes his eyes in anticipation, his body tingling, "but I also love Yunho," Yoochun says over his lips and he leans in delicately and kisses him chastely for only a moment. "And so do you, so," he moves away and settles back against the seat, his fingers brushing up and down his neck slowly, "I think it's better that we don't do anything either one of us will regret."

Changmin takes his arm back and moves from the comfort of Yoochun's shoulder, ashamed of himself.

When they get back to the house Yoochun gets him some water.

He feels sick.

Mostly from realizing he was a little too willing to do something incredibly stupid.

He could blame the vodka, and the tequila, even the soju but for a moment, just one terrible moment, he really locked Yunho out of his mind, away from his heart and forgot about him.

"You don't look good, Changmin," Yoochun walks over with the glass and Changmin feels it coming up.

"Move," he jumps to his feet and sprints to the bathroom.

After the third time he doesn't even try to get off the floor.

His throat feels too raw and his insides feel like they want to come out through his mouth.

There are tears in his eyes from the retching and it feels more like a punishment.

For almost doing something bad.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and slumps against the porcelain.

But only for a few minutes.

When it happens again, he wants to cry it hurts so bad.

"Have some water."

The voice is soft and Changmin doesn't have to look up to know who it belongs too.

"If you throw up again, it will help."

He lifts his head and sees him behind his tears, his hair is handsomely disheveled and his face his soft and sleepy, but his eyes are caring and full of love.

How could he want do something so terrible?

"I'm sorry," Changmin tells him, his throat sore and his tears real.

Yunho squats down and sets the glass aside, his hands come to Changmin's shoulders as he pulls him into a hug.

He holds on for his life.

"I'm sorry."

Changmin knows he loves him.

Even if he doesn't say it.

Yunho slides the shirt from Changmin's shoulders and throws it aside, his mouth on his neck. His hands press against the small of his back as he pulls him close. He kisses his shoulder and Changmin shudders under his skin.

He wants this so bad.

He can't really remember how it started, or why, but it feels amazing.

He's forgotten how good it is to be close to Yunho's body, like this.

This time he knows he needs it.

Wants it.

Wants him.

"Bed," Changmin murmurs and kisses Yunho's lips, fingers fisting into his hair, holding him down until he can taste every inch of his mouth, until he makes him groan and it makes him harder.

Yunho reaches down and lifts Changmin up around his waist with surprising ease.

Their lips never break.

He tastes like honey and sweetness, his tongue soft and when Yunho bites down on his bottom lip Changmin wraps his legs tighter around him and moans softly.

Changmin fists his hands around the blankets and tries not to scream as Yunho moves into him.

He opens his eyes and there's sweat that makes Yunho's chest glisten and he wants to lick it off until he sees stars exploding and he arches his back and rips the cotton when he hits that perfect spot.

"You don't have to mean it," Changmin breathes, holding onto Yunho's shoulders, gasping when the wonderful feeling of another release overwhelms him and he squeezes his eyes closed, crying out as Yunho increases his pace, "just say it," he gasps and scrapes his nails across Yunho's back. "Please?"

Yunho looks at him, right in the eyes and they say it all. "I always mean it," he thrusts in hard.

Changmin cries out when he comes.

Jaejoong is attempting to braid his hair, which Changmin thinks is completely pointless but Yunho and Junsu are buying dinner and he has nothing better to do than let him.

"You guys should be a little more quiet," Jaejoong gives a harsh tug and Changmin cries out. "Sorry," he pats his head in apology, "But I'm serious. I think the neighbors can hear you."

"And I can't fucking sleep," Yoochun adds as he walks into the living room with two cups of something hot and steaming. He hands one to Changmin before he sits down on the couch.

"Where's mine?" Jaejoong pulls again and Changmin elbows his leg roughly. "Shit, I'm sorry."

Yoochun takes a sip and smiles. "I only have two hands," he answers, "And if I'm nice to him, maybe he can cover his mouth with a pillow the next time he and Yunho decide to have another sexathon."

"Shut up," Changmin flushes and drinks from the tea.

Yoochun winks with a grin. "So are things better?"

Changmin nods slowly.

They're almost back to normal.

But he's told Yunho he loves him and the response is still the same.

"He still can't say it," he confesses and Jaejoong's hands stop in his hair.

"But you know he does right?" Jaejoong nudges him and Changmin nods handing the cup over to him.

"I know," he stares at the wall in front of him. He can't help the frown or the emptiness that finds its way into his chest. "It's just. It's difficult."

The braiding begins again. "He'll come around, it just takes time."

Yoochun nods but Changmin still worries when that time will finally come around.

"I love you, Yunho," Changmin hugs him and breathes him in.

The others aren't home but they'll be back soon so he wants to take advantage of the time they have alone.

Yunho's arms tighten around him for a second before he pulls away and kisses him.

It's soft and pleasant and tastes like the peppermint gum he's chewing. "Me too," he whispers and Changmin kisses him to stop the tears from coming.

Changmin thinks he may not be able to wait much longer.

He knows it's silly.

He knows he's making far too big a deal about it because he also knows Yunho does love him.

But he wants to hear him say it.

He wants to hear the words.

He needs to hear them.

Changmin glares at Yunho. Rehearsals were terrible. He was off key most of the day and he got less than four hours of sleep.

All he wants is comfort.

And he wants Yunho to give it to him.

He deserves that much.

"I want you to say it," he demands angrily, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

Yunho rubs at his temples looking patient. "Changmin."

"Say it, Yunho."

"Changmin-"

"If you don't say it, then leave."

Yunho turns and walks to the door.

Changmin wants to punch him if he weren't hurting so much.

"You can't say it because you won't mean it if you do," Changmin tries to hold his voice steady but his throat hurts from the rising lump and his eyes are watering.

Yunho looks at him before opening the door. "You're too angry right now," he turns the knob, "and I can't say it because even if I did, you wouldn't believe me."

And he leaves.

He sleeps with Yoochun that night.

"God, your long ass legs are taking up all the space!" Yoochun whispers harshly and kicks him.

Changmin grumbles and pulls the covers over him until he hears Yoochun choking.

"You're suffocating me!" he whines and pulls the covers back down.

Changmin groans. "You're supposed to be comforting me, you asshole," he reminds him. "Now hold me, you jerk."

Yoochun laughs and shifts until he's comfortable enough to wrap his arm around Changmin.

Changmin thinks it feels nice and sighs.

"Now tell me you love me," he adds and smiles when Yoochun snorts.

"Right now, I don't," he grumbles as he slides his legs between Changmin's and tries to get comfortable. "Ok, that's better," he shifts around a little more until he's relaxed. "Now I love you," he mumbles and closes his eyes.

"I love you too, Yoochun," Changmin says.

"And Yunho loves you too."

"Don't mention him."

And Yoochun laughs.

"Ok, I'm the only person who loves you."

Changmin squeezes Yoochun's legs between his, "that's better."

"Now shut up and go to sleep before you wake up Jaejoong."

By the grace of God they get a whole week off.

Changmin decides he's going to spend it with his family.

He needs to see his mother.

Yunho plans to leave too and Changmin tries not to feel sad about it while Yunho packs his things.

"Are you going to be there all week?" he watches him fill up his suitcase.

Yunho throws some shirts in and looks at him. "For a couple days and then I'm going to see my friends," he answers and walks back to the closet for more clothes.

Changmin bites at his lip thoughtfully.

"Are you going to miss me?" he asks him when Yunho makes his way back with some jeans.

His smile is gentle. "Of course," he answers and kisses him.

Changmin wakes up to the touch of soft kisses.

He sighs sleepily and opens his eyes to see Yunho smiling down at him. Somehow, he thinks he may still be dreaming as his eyes flutter closed.

But he can hear the bright chorus of Yunho's laughter in his ears. "You have to wake up, Changmin," he kisses him again and Changmin brings his hands up grabbing at his shirt.

"Dreaming," he mutters between kisses and pulls him completely down until Yunho's on top of him pressing him into the mattress.

"Your plane leaves in a few hours and I have breakfast on the stove," Yunho kisses his temple, his cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth while Changmin hums softly in his throat. "So get up," he gives him one last kiss and gets back to his feet.

When Changmin opens his eyes he can see Yunho, fully dressed, leaving the room and he smiles.

If only all his mornings could begin like that.

Yunho rarely cooks, which is a shame because he's usually very good at it.

"I rented a car to take you to the airport," he says while taking a seat beside Changmin at the table. His fingers pick at the rice and Changmin looks at him sideways.

"You didn't have to do that," he reaches for the glass of juice while Yunho finishes the rest of his eggs. "I was going to take a taxi."

Yunho chews slowly and thinks to himself. "I wanted to go with you," he stands up and takes Changmin's empty plate to the sink. "Since my plane leaves later today," he shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest.

Changmin blinks.

Mostly out of shock.

His heart does a little dance.

And it takes a moment for his brain to actually form a coherent thought. "I would like that," he smiles and Yunho nods looking at his watch.

"We should leave soon."

Changmin can't seem to stop smiling.

The car Yunho rents is black with a screen to hide them from the driver.

"Get a lot of rest while you're there," Yunho squeezes his hand tightly.

Changmin nods and looks at him. "Please do the same, you look exhausted," he reaches out and smoothes the lines against his mouth carefully.

Soft lips press against his finger tips and Changmin bites his lip. His eyes shift to the black screen momentarily before he leans over and slides his hands over Yunho's cheeks.

Making soft soothing circles that sweep his eyes closed.

"I'm sorry I upset you," Changmin speaks softly just in case his voice carries. "When we get back, lets try and be better," he says and Yunho's eyes open.

They're piercing and brilliant, Changmin wants to look at them forever, fall helplessly into the depths of his gaze.

When Yunho looks at him he feels his love.

Maybe that's enough.

"Changmin," Yunho pulls his hands away and laces their fingers together, holding them tight. He turns pensive in his thoughts. "I know it bothers you," he sighs, eyes coming down to their locked fingers.

Changmin doesn't want to fight. "Let's not talk about it," he tugs at Yunho's hand and ducks his head kissing him softly. "Let's not do this right now," he asks and moves in closer until he feels Yunho's heat.

He doesn't know how much longer they have to the airport but he doesn't want to leave upset. Not after everything Yunho's done for him.

He thinks today has been perfect and he wants to keep it that way.

"I know, but let me," he chews at his lip carefully, "I want you to know that it's not because I don't love you, I do," he says and Changmin heart skips a beat. "People say things because they feel like they have too," he lets go of one hand and touches Changmin's cheek.

It feels like silk against his skin.

"Words start to lose their meaning if you say them too much and saying, I love you, is something worth cherishing," he runs the pad of his thumb along Changmin's bottom lip reverently, "but I cherish you more and nothing is more important to me than making you happy."

"Yunho-"

He shakes his head and Changmin falls silent. "So I'll be better at it, Changmin, if that's what you want," he smiles and the car stops, "because I love you. I love you so much it hurts when you're not with me, I can't breathe when you're angry with me and when I know you've cried, I feel like dying."

There's a knock at the door and Changmin ignores it.

And kisses him until he can't breathe.

Yunho doesn't say, I love you.

But when he does, it's worth cherishing.

So Changmin will wait forever, just to hear it again.