why..
i dont really understand life.. it seems that the best people always get screwed? I mean.. honestly..
my grandpa is in the hospital tonight and he had to have emergency surgery earlier today. he had an anurism in his abdomem and had to get it removed. there is aboug a 50 50 chance that he will make it through the next couple days.
they say when people truely love eachother, when one dies, the other dies shortly after.. well my grandparents had the most amazing love ive ever seen.
they were so perfect in every single way.. they never fought, they were both unbelieveably happy with eachother. they lived and loved until the day my grandma passed away from leukemia, and since then, there has been something different about my grandpa.. he has been distant, and keeps talking about what we need to do for when he goes.. they loved eachother so much.. if i have a love in my life that is a quarter of what they had it will be more than enough for me. i dont even think i am capeable of a love like that..
i have nowhere to turn.. i dont even know what to do.. this feeling of helplessness is quite overwhelming and i wish it would go away. i want to be down in wisconsin more than anything, but i have a concert tomorrow night, and there isnt anywhere for me to stay
there are so many things i want to do with him.. i want to talk about his stories so they dont all stop existing if he does depart soon.. i want to play my heart out on my violin to make him smile that smile that he gets when i play.. i want to give him his hugs that he wants every time i see him.. i am not ready for him to leave yet.. its too soon, there is too much left undone
then i start thinking about my grandma.. and how much i miss her, and how much i trusted her.. she was always there for me.. she told me once that when i performed at orchestra hall she would be content with her life and she could die happy.. i obviously played ther a long time ago, so we changed it to carnige.. and i didnt have time to do that.. im scared of my first performance there..it will definately be dedicated to her..
i missed a lot of things with her too.. i want to know more about things she did on the farm growing up.. i wanted to ask her what she thought of my grandpa when he would drive by her on her horse and spook it so it would run alongside the 18 wheeler he drove.. obviously i cant do that now...
they both did such amazing things.. he flew in WWII, drove trucks, flew on the side, ran a car dealership, owned many houses/fixed many houses/sold many houses, ran/owned a storage shed, traveled all over the us, went to mardi gras and got lots of cool beads to play with, raised many talented and smart children, encountered many grandchildren.. dealt with the.. uh.. bad child.. im sure there are a million things i am forgetting... i want to accomplish that in my life..
i wish i could get my mind off of this.. but its too hard... i dont know what is wrong with me lately.. i want soooo badly to be with people and hang out with lots of people and have a great time, but i somehow keep finding ways to seclude myself from everyone.. i dont really notice im doing it until its over and then its too late to fix it.. being alone is the last thing i want right now.. but i have the overwhelming resent for anyone who wants to make my aloneness stop simply because i dont want to be alone.. its been so long since ive done this to myself and i thought i was done forever.. it was a LONG time ago... i dont even remember what i did to make it go away..
i feel like im sinking in the pit again.. it isnt that everything is bad when one thing goes wrong.. its that your mind focuses on the things that suck in your life when one bad thing starts happening.. if you can help me figure out how to make it stop thinking about everything that is bad, please let me know...
i feel like im the only person in the world right now.. there is no way i can properly communicate myself to others, not even in this post, it is so.. its just so hard to do.. and i am losing the desire to attempt it..
i came home from melinda's to sit outside and watch the stars because its so wonderful outside, but my dad decided tonight was a great night to water the lawn, so it is soaking wet and sprinkling where i want to be. i went to the park out by zach's house off of 65, but i got settled and something scared me so i had to come home.. i feel very uprooted.. and nothing seems to have worked today.. things just kinda kept going downhill.. but again, its mostly my mind percieving everything as being bad.
i kindof touched on this earlier, but im going to elaborate now.. i dont really know why i feel so alone lately. i know i am not alone in any way shape or form, but i do feel quite alone. At melinda's party, i felt secluded, and it isnt anything any of you did, i just felt that way.. i feel like it is my fault.. i think im doing it to myself.. like im secluding myself and not being part of the group, but i so desperately want to be in the group.. but i dont want people to try so hard to includ eme.. gosh i dont know what the hell im talking about, i have no flipping idea what i want..
i dont konw why i do this in my livejournal.. i think i want all of you to know what is going on and hear me, but i cant find the courage.. no not courage, thast not what it takes.. i cant find the.. i just cant tell you all in person.. i love you all so much and i know you all love me and i wish there was some way to stop how i feel so i can continue loving you as much as i always have.. thanks for reading if you have, and if you havent, i dont blame you, i would probably just skip over an entry this long too.
i still need to find motivation to practice my violin.. maybe peter lloyd will give me some.. professional musicians tend to do that sometimes. wieniawski is quite hard.. but repetative, so once i have the main themes, i should be ok. i still dont understnad the damn dvorak.. and part rocks my socks.. maybe ill listen to some part.. that might make things a little better
thanks for being so wonderful guys, i never want to lose you all.. please tell everyone you know what you really think of them.. tell them how much you love them and show them with everything you have.. you never know when you wont have the chance, or you might not anymore
tomorrow night.. or well.. tonight.. 7 30 at anoka.. nso concert.. come please?