Nothing Could Stop it (Chapter 8)
I was in a soft, white haven of comfort. Everything about it was sweet and peaceful. My body was encased in a warm, downy embrace and my mind was finally at rest. I awoke on my own accord, the first thing I saw was Anthony’s still sleeping face. We were both laying on our sides, facing each other like we had been trading secrets into the night. I was a little breathless at the sight of him. He was just as, if not more, beautiful in the morning. His hair was disheveled from where my fingers had entwined in it and where it had rubbed against the pillow. He was completely at peace, face relaxed, lips turned up in bliss. I found myself mirroring his smile. How could I not? He looked…angelic.
We were wrapped in each other’s arms and I was reminded of our interesting night prior. All I could say was hopefully I had made my position about how I felt about him very clear.
I chuckled a little bit. I don’t think he had any doubt anymore.
The slight bounce of my body, the whispered laugh from my lips, caused Anthony to stir. He didn’t wake up, but turned onto his back. I freed my right arm from his heavy frame.
We had stuff to do, but I didn’t want to leave this comfort, or disrupt this perfect site in any way. I scooted closer to press my body against his side and dropped my head to rest in the dip of his neck. His chin turned almost involuntarily to rest on the top, and my face pressed into his collar. He smelled amazing. Was it weird that that was one of my favorite things about him? Probably not. It was a familiar sent, it was home. It was late nights of editing or planning and writing. It was long days of filming and goofing. It was my past, present, and hopefully my future. It was comfort. I breathed deeply, could I memorize his smell? Could I have it with me at all times? It was so addictive.
I don’t know how long we laid like that, with arms and legs tangled and my head just resting on his neck and chest. The world went dark and I was once again drowned in the sea of sleep, only to be brought to the surface with prodding from him.
“Mm, Ian?” His arm that was trapped between my side and bed bent at the elbow to reach up and stroke my back.
I groaned. Did this have to end? “Whaa?” My voice cracked and hummed against his shoulder. He laughed and brought his other hand up to my face. He gripped my chin and tilted it up. The sudden harsh light was stark in comparison to his the shadow of his shoulder. But my eyes adjusted and held his dark irises. He smiled down at me.
“Mornin’”
I returned the smile. “Mornin’” I whispered.
“Sleep well?” He caressed my chin and jaw with his thumb. The admiration and wonder in his eyes were unmistakable.
“Yeah. Really well. You?”
“Yeah. But being awake now is better.” With that, he tilted my chin to meet our lips together. The difference between kisses last night and this morning were absolute. Last night’s were desperate, passionate, discovering, scared. This one was calming and sweet. Just a simple lip to lip contact that still made me melt a little. I broke away and sighed, my eyes opening and taking him in again.
Was this really happening?
For real?
I wasn’t complaining. Hell no. But only the night before I was thinking that he thought I was gay and creepy. And fuck, I thought that about myself. I jacked off thinking about his kiss.
What a difference twenty-four hours makes. A world of difference.
I allowed myself to wake up more, and we simply laid together in silence. Slowly, my mind began thinking, conjuring, wondering, worrying. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just stay half asleep, when my brain doesn’t work completely.
“Hey Anthony?” His head had dropped back to the white, too-fluffy pillow behind him, his arms were no longer holding me and his eyes had slipped closed.
“Hmmm?” He cracked open one eye to watch me.
I sat up and laid my back against the headboard, folding my legs to my chest, realizing that- oh look at that- I was naked. I made sure everything was covered by the sheet. My face burned suddenly, had we really done what I thought we did? This made life a whole lot more complicated, didn’t it? Had I changed completely, along with my relationship with Anthony?
“Where does that leave us?” I avoided his gaze, my head moving to stare at the dust particles that danced in the wedge of light that peeked from curtain covered windows. I popped my knuckles.
I was scared, to be honest. It was so much easier for a man to like a woman. Not man with a man. It was taboo, and we would no doubt be made fun of insistently. And what about family and friends? How would they feel about us, best friends for over a decade, suddenly becoming more?
Was I going too fast? Maybe this was just a one time thing?
My brain was going a mile a minute. Thoughts were doing an intense, intricate interpretive dance in my mind. I commanded them to calm down, get organized, get the fuck out. Whatever. Just leave me and my damn brain alone.
Why couldn’t that clarity I had felt last night come back? That Anthony was there, and he felt good. Really good. And anything that felt that perfect couldn’t possibly be wrong. I wanted to just let go, let love take over.
But reason wouldn’t let me.
I sighed, stretched, and laid back down. I realized Anthony still hadn’t given an answer. Was he just as freaked out? Was he regretting last night?
“You know, Ian, why should we label it now?” Anthony was suddenly saying, his hand inching across the bed to grab my own. “It happened, it was awesome, and I loved every minute of it. But, we’re still best friends.“ His lips pulled up adorably and his dimple became visible. “It’s just now neither of us have to take the couch.”
I couldn’t help but crack a goofy smile. Leave it to him to make something so goddamned complicated seem perfectly simple and normal. It drove my pesky thoughts of doubt and fear away. I guess I could always trust him to do that, I could trust him to drive away the negative crap.
“Ok. I’m glad” I reached up to grab his head and pull it toward my own. Our lips met again, I don’t think I could ever get tired of him and his lips. They were skilled and delicious, and they felt fucking perfect. “That couch hurts my back.”
***
We finally realized that we couldn’t get away with laying in bed all day. Although it was tempting: to just be in each others arms, figuring this new…thing out together. But we had work. Life still goes on no matter who you find yourself falling in love with.
And today was the shoot. The kiss. The climax of our LA trip and these last few months- ever since I got that email.
As Anthony and I prepared: showering, shaving, and dressing, I could feel my stomach churning. I was scared shitless. Would any of our fans see this damn thing and think we were gay? But did it matter now that we kinda were?…But, really and truly… were we? Would we reveal the whole “more than friends” thing to our friends, family, and fans, or keep it secret?
Stupid, stupid fucking confusing questions. Why couldn’t my brain just go on silent mode? That would be most helpful.
“What time is Sam expecting us?” I checked the time on my phone: 11:38 am. We had slept in quite a bit more than we should have.
He rolled his eyes at my lack of memory, but refrained from any sarcastic comments. “Twelve.”
“Holy happy cow, glad we got up when we did!” I rushed to grab my sneakers, struggling to put them on without untying them.
Anthony grabbed my hand and spun we around to face him. “I’m not. I wish I could’ve stayed in bed all day.”
His comment made me breathless. I liked this new thing, I decided, if he would continue to say things like that. I pressed my lips quick against his cheek. “Ready to do this?” I looked up into his eyes, reading his expression, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He looked amused but worried; his lips were curved but his eyebrows knit together. He nodded.
And with that, we grabbed our room key, wallets, and our flip-cam bag, and rushed out the door. Our hands detached but my skin tingled with the memory of his palm pressed to my own.
***
At Sam’s fancy office, three minutes late, we found ourselves ushered in by the same receptionist as the first time. I felt a strong sense of déjà vu, however our last visit seemed like a lifetime ago; had it really only been a couple days?
I recalled the horror and disgust I felt at the prospect of kissing Anthony. It seemed like I was different person altogether, which scared me a bit. What had happened to me over this seemingly harmless business venture? Obviously, a shitload had changed seeing as I had gone from freaked at simply kissing my best friend to spending the night together… and loving every passionate second. My cheeks burned at memory and sudden explicit visuals. I was screwed if anyone could read minds.
“Ian, Anthony! Welcome!” Sam smiled at us as we pushed open the door to his office. We stood over his desk and nodded our greeting. “I hope your morning was good, guys.”
I tried to hide the smile that crept to my face. He had no idea how good our morning really was. Ironic he would say such a thing. I could tell Anthony was thinking something similar, noting his reddening cheeks and hand which quickly jumped up to wipe away a smile.
Sam took no notice. “I know mine was pretty good. I’m psyched about this movie, watching its development.”
“Yeah, Sam. I bet it’ll be pretty awesome.” Anthony had composed himself and now offered the man a smile and nod. I settled on pushing any thoughts of the morning away and staring at the pattern on the carpet.
“I’m glad you both decided to do this, you won’t regret it, I assure you.”
We nodded our agreement, sharing a quick, nervous with glance each other. Sam motioned to the chairs that sat across from him.
“Before we do the shoot, which is a few miles from here, I just need you to sign some legal hoo-ha.” He chuckled as though he had told a hilarious joke. “It’s only routine. Nothing incriminating, complicated, or binding.”
My mind spun as he handed us both two separate bulky packets of information. Nothing complicated? This shit was a novel. Shouldn’t we take a little longer to read through it? See what we were getting into?
Obviously, Anthony thought not; as I witnessed his scrawl his crappy signature in the places Sam pointed out.
I did a mental shrug and looked back down at the legal papers. I realized, by signing my name, I was saying that I was ready to do this kiss for a professional film.
It was kinda like coming out.
In the most public way possible.
I shook my head. Shut up brain, don’t make this something its not. For one, I’m not actually gay. Anthony and I just have…a thing going. We don’t have to admit that the stage kiss is close to the truth. Hell, we didn’t even have to reveal that we had acted in some sort of movie role at all. Some may find it, they may not even recognize us. We probably won’t even end up in the credits.
This would be fine, Anthony and I could do it no problem. It would further the Smosh name, give us more funding. With this, Smosh could actually become a widely recognizable name in comedy. It wouldn’t just stop and Anthony and I. It could become something bigger than ourselves, something unstoppable.
Still, my hand would not lower, would not connect pen to paper, would not carry out the simple motions to leave my signature on the line. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to. Something was wrong. My gut was trying to tell me something and my brain struggled to connect the feeling with a reason.
I could tell Sam and Anthony were staring at me. “You know, dude. It’s not gonna sign itself.” Anthony rolled his eyes and looked meaningfully at the papers before me. Sam just looked at me, willing me to sign the contract. I realized that he had been really intent on making sure we did this role.
He seemed creepily intent, if I was being honest. He had almost bribed us. And why? He could easily find people who were more experienced, recognizable, famous. He was a representative of the frigging CAA.
And why did the movie want a random gay kiss scene randomly placed in the background? Unless they were trying to make some statement, I couldn’t think of any other reason.
Why had I not thought of any of this? Well that one was easy, Anthony proved to be quite the distraction this week. But, why did Sam even want us to do this? It seemed to go past kindly interest of an old friend.
I held his gaze, knitting my brows together, trying to read him. I felt a niggling in the back of my mind. Read the contract.
Only idiots (sorry Anthony) signed a contract without really looking at it, without a lawyer present. Of course.
I bent my head down to skim through the first few pages. I could still feel Anthony and Sam’s eyes boring into the top of my head and the room had grown silent. They probably thought I had lost my mind. There wouldn’t be anything here that Sam had not pointed out. He had no secret plots, he only wanted to help Smosh.
I sifted quickly through the legal jargon which barely made sense. I could pick out key words and so far, everything looked in order. I was about to give up, scribble my name, ignore my fevered imagination that enjoyed creating the most dramatic problems. However, my eyes suddenly alighted on a clause on the third page. It began with a troubling group of words, relinquish rights to Smosh. Relinquish rights to Smosh? What the fuck?
My eyes narrowed and slowly came to stare at Mr. Samuel Wross. He fidgeted at my intense expression, suddenly finding everything else in his office more interesting than me.
“Well this is interesting, Sam. I suppose I shouldn’t sign this right away, then.”
Oh boy, shit was about to go down.
Nothing could stop that.
We were wrapped in each other’s arms and I was reminded of our interesting night prior. All I could say was hopefully I had made my position about how I felt about him very clear.
I chuckled a little bit. I don’t think he had any doubt anymore.
The slight bounce of my body, the whispered laugh from my lips, caused Anthony to stir. He didn’t wake up, but turned onto his back. I freed my right arm from his heavy frame.
We had stuff to do, but I didn’t want to leave this comfort, or disrupt this perfect site in any way. I scooted closer to press my body against his side and dropped my head to rest in the dip of his neck. His chin turned almost involuntarily to rest on the top, and my face pressed into his collar. He smelled amazing. Was it weird that that was one of my favorite things about him? Probably not. It was a familiar sent, it was home. It was late nights of editing or planning and writing. It was long days of filming and goofing. It was my past, present, and hopefully my future. It was comfort. I breathed deeply, could I memorize his smell? Could I have it with me at all times? It was so addictive.
I don’t know how long we laid like that, with arms and legs tangled and my head just resting on his neck and chest. The world went dark and I was once again drowned in the sea of sleep, only to be brought to the surface with prodding from him.
“Mm, Ian?” His arm that was trapped between my side and bed bent at the elbow to reach up and stroke my back.
I groaned. Did this have to end? “Whaa?” My voice cracked and hummed against his shoulder. He laughed and brought his other hand up to my face. He gripped my chin and tilted it up. The sudden harsh light was stark in comparison to his the shadow of his shoulder. But my eyes adjusted and held his dark irises. He smiled down at me.
“Mornin’”
I returned the smile. “Mornin’” I whispered.
“Sleep well?” He caressed my chin and jaw with his thumb. The admiration and wonder in his eyes were unmistakable.
“Yeah. Really well. You?”
“Yeah. But being awake now is better.” With that, he tilted my chin to meet our lips together. The difference between kisses last night and this morning were absolute. Last night’s were desperate, passionate, discovering, scared. This one was calming and sweet. Just a simple lip to lip contact that still made me melt a little. I broke away and sighed, my eyes opening and taking him in again.
Was this really happening?
For real?
I wasn’t complaining. Hell no. But only the night before I was thinking that he thought I was gay and creepy. And fuck, I thought that about myself. I jacked off thinking about his kiss.
What a difference twenty-four hours makes. A world of difference.
I allowed myself to wake up more, and we simply laid together in silence. Slowly, my mind began thinking, conjuring, wondering, worrying. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just stay half asleep, when my brain doesn’t work completely.
“Hey Anthony?” His head had dropped back to the white, too-fluffy pillow behind him, his arms were no longer holding me and his eyes had slipped closed.
“Hmmm?” He cracked open one eye to watch me.
I sat up and laid my back against the headboard, folding my legs to my chest, realizing that- oh look at that- I was naked. I made sure everything was covered by the sheet. My face burned suddenly, had we really done what I thought we did? This made life a whole lot more complicated, didn’t it? Had I changed completely, along with my relationship with Anthony?
“Where does that leave us?” I avoided his gaze, my head moving to stare at the dust particles that danced in the wedge of light that peeked from curtain covered windows. I popped my knuckles.
I was scared, to be honest. It was so much easier for a man to like a woman. Not man with a man. It was taboo, and we would no doubt be made fun of insistently. And what about family and friends? How would they feel about us, best friends for over a decade, suddenly becoming more?
Was I going too fast? Maybe this was just a one time thing?
My brain was going a mile a minute. Thoughts were doing an intense, intricate interpretive dance in my mind. I commanded them to calm down, get organized, get the fuck out. Whatever. Just leave me and my damn brain alone.
Why couldn’t that clarity I had felt last night come back? That Anthony was there, and he felt good. Really good. And anything that felt that perfect couldn’t possibly be wrong. I wanted to just let go, let love take over.
But reason wouldn’t let me.
I sighed, stretched, and laid back down. I realized Anthony still hadn’t given an answer. Was he just as freaked out? Was he regretting last night?
“You know, Ian, why should we label it now?” Anthony was suddenly saying, his hand inching across the bed to grab my own. “It happened, it was awesome, and I loved every minute of it. But, we’re still best friends.“ His lips pulled up adorably and his dimple became visible. “It’s just now neither of us have to take the couch.”
I couldn’t help but crack a goofy smile. Leave it to him to make something so goddamned complicated seem perfectly simple and normal. It drove my pesky thoughts of doubt and fear away. I guess I could always trust him to do that, I could trust him to drive away the negative crap.
“Ok. I’m glad” I reached up to grab his head and pull it toward my own. Our lips met again, I don’t think I could ever get tired of him and his lips. They were skilled and delicious, and they felt fucking perfect. “That couch hurts my back.”
***
We finally realized that we couldn’t get away with laying in bed all day. Although it was tempting: to just be in each others arms, figuring this new…thing out together. But we had work. Life still goes on no matter who you find yourself falling in love with.
And today was the shoot. The kiss. The climax of our LA trip and these last few months- ever since I got that email.
As Anthony and I prepared: showering, shaving, and dressing, I could feel my stomach churning. I was scared shitless. Would any of our fans see this damn thing and think we were gay? But did it matter now that we kinda were?…But, really and truly… were we? Would we reveal the whole “more than friends” thing to our friends, family, and fans, or keep it secret?
Stupid, stupid fucking confusing questions. Why couldn’t my brain just go on silent mode? That would be most helpful.
“What time is Sam expecting us?” I checked the time on my phone: 11:38 am. We had slept in quite a bit more than we should have.
He rolled his eyes at my lack of memory, but refrained from any sarcastic comments. “Twelve.”
“Holy happy cow, glad we got up when we did!” I rushed to grab my sneakers, struggling to put them on without untying them.
Anthony grabbed my hand and spun we around to face him. “I’m not. I wish I could’ve stayed in bed all day.”
His comment made me breathless. I liked this new thing, I decided, if he would continue to say things like that. I pressed my lips quick against his cheek. “Ready to do this?” I looked up into his eyes, reading his expression, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He looked amused but worried; his lips were curved but his eyebrows knit together. He nodded.
And with that, we grabbed our room key, wallets, and our flip-cam bag, and rushed out the door. Our hands detached but my skin tingled with the memory of his palm pressed to my own.
***
At Sam’s fancy office, three minutes late, we found ourselves ushered in by the same receptionist as the first time. I felt a strong sense of déjà vu, however our last visit seemed like a lifetime ago; had it really only been a couple days?
I recalled the horror and disgust I felt at the prospect of kissing Anthony. It seemed like I was different person altogether, which scared me a bit. What had happened to me over this seemingly harmless business venture? Obviously, a shitload had changed seeing as I had gone from freaked at simply kissing my best friend to spending the night together… and loving every passionate second. My cheeks burned at memory and sudden explicit visuals. I was screwed if anyone could read minds.
“Ian, Anthony! Welcome!” Sam smiled at us as we pushed open the door to his office. We stood over his desk and nodded our greeting. “I hope your morning was good, guys.”
I tried to hide the smile that crept to my face. He had no idea how good our morning really was. Ironic he would say such a thing. I could tell Anthony was thinking something similar, noting his reddening cheeks and hand which quickly jumped up to wipe away a smile.
Sam took no notice. “I know mine was pretty good. I’m psyched about this movie, watching its development.”
“Yeah, Sam. I bet it’ll be pretty awesome.” Anthony had composed himself and now offered the man a smile and nod. I settled on pushing any thoughts of the morning away and staring at the pattern on the carpet.
“I’m glad you both decided to do this, you won’t regret it, I assure you.”
We nodded our agreement, sharing a quick, nervous with glance each other. Sam motioned to the chairs that sat across from him.
“Before we do the shoot, which is a few miles from here, I just need you to sign some legal hoo-ha.” He chuckled as though he had told a hilarious joke. “It’s only routine. Nothing incriminating, complicated, or binding.”
My mind spun as he handed us both two separate bulky packets of information. Nothing complicated? This shit was a novel. Shouldn’t we take a little longer to read through it? See what we were getting into?
Obviously, Anthony thought not; as I witnessed his scrawl his crappy signature in the places Sam pointed out.
I did a mental shrug and looked back down at the legal papers. I realized, by signing my name, I was saying that I was ready to do this kiss for a professional film.
It was kinda like coming out.
In the most public way possible.
I shook my head. Shut up brain, don’t make this something its not. For one, I’m not actually gay. Anthony and I just have…a thing going. We don’t have to admit that the stage kiss is close to the truth. Hell, we didn’t even have to reveal that we had acted in some sort of movie role at all. Some may find it, they may not even recognize us. We probably won’t even end up in the credits.
This would be fine, Anthony and I could do it no problem. It would further the Smosh name, give us more funding. With this, Smosh could actually become a widely recognizable name in comedy. It wouldn’t just stop and Anthony and I. It could become something bigger than ourselves, something unstoppable.
Still, my hand would not lower, would not connect pen to paper, would not carry out the simple motions to leave my signature on the line. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to. Something was wrong. My gut was trying to tell me something and my brain struggled to connect the feeling with a reason.
I could tell Sam and Anthony were staring at me. “You know, dude. It’s not gonna sign itself.” Anthony rolled his eyes and looked meaningfully at the papers before me. Sam just looked at me, willing me to sign the contract. I realized that he had been really intent on making sure we did this role.
He seemed creepily intent, if I was being honest. He had almost bribed us. And why? He could easily find people who were more experienced, recognizable, famous. He was a representative of the frigging CAA.
And why did the movie want a random gay kiss scene randomly placed in the background? Unless they were trying to make some statement, I couldn’t think of any other reason.
Why had I not thought of any of this? Well that one was easy, Anthony proved to be quite the distraction this week. But, why did Sam even want us to do this? It seemed to go past kindly interest of an old friend.
I held his gaze, knitting my brows together, trying to read him. I felt a niggling in the back of my mind. Read the contract.
Only idiots (sorry Anthony) signed a contract without really looking at it, without a lawyer present. Of course.
I bent my head down to skim through the first few pages. I could still feel Anthony and Sam’s eyes boring into the top of my head and the room had grown silent. They probably thought I had lost my mind. There wouldn’t be anything here that Sam had not pointed out. He had no secret plots, he only wanted to help Smosh.
I sifted quickly through the legal jargon which barely made sense. I could pick out key words and so far, everything looked in order. I was about to give up, scribble my name, ignore my fevered imagination that enjoyed creating the most dramatic problems. However, my eyes suddenly alighted on a clause on the third page. It began with a troubling group of words, relinquish rights to Smosh. Relinquish rights to Smosh? What the fuck?
My eyes narrowed and slowly came to stare at Mr. Samuel Wross. He fidgeted at my intense expression, suddenly finding everything else in his office more interesting than me.
“Well this is interesting, Sam. I suppose I shouldn’t sign this right away, then.”
Oh boy, shit was about to go down.
Nothing could stop that.