A Letter to Australia
[A short note for Australians or easily offended people: you guys know me well enough to know that the following is incredibly tongue-in-cheek, right?]
Dear Australia,
Hello there! I thought it was time you and I sat down and had a little chat about money. No, not the ‘economic downturn’ or banking crises or anything like that - I mean the actual money itself, the form that currency takes in your country.
In short: what the hell, Australia? What the HELL?
I was going to start off by complaining about your crazy plastic notes, like you’re too good for paper or something, but then I realised that the crazy plasticness of your cash means you get little windows in the money and that is AWESOME. Also the day-glo colours make your money comfortingly similar to Monopoly and also very easy to recognise, unlike Scotland’s ‘every bank has its own set of notes that only vaguely resemble each other’ system. (Although I have heard disturbing rumours that the $5 note can be folded in such a way as to make the Queen do... something. I don’t actually know what it is, but I’m going to label it DEEPLY SUSPICIOUS.) Unfortunately, all the good will of your pleasant notes system is undone by the frank horribleness of your coinage.
I must ask again: what the hell, Australia? The two-dollar coins are smaller than the one-dollar coins? That makes no sense! Even ignoring the intuitive idea that bigger denomination = bigger coin, it means that the higher value coins are more easily lost, costing Australians everywhere (well... most likely those in Australia) billions of dollars per annum. BILLIONS. Possibly. I ask you, is this the coinage system of a sane man? No, no it is not.
And don’t even get me started on the 50c and 20c coins, which are ridiculously gigantic and easily outstrip the dollar coins (lending further weight to my ‘higher value coins get lost’ theory). From a practical viewpoint, this means they take up too much space in my wallet and prevent the collecting of more important monies. And from a less practical viewpoint, it just looks a little... well, desperate, like the man in charge of creating money looked at the British 50p coin and said “nine sides, eh? Well, ours will have TWELVE sides! And be bigger! And thicker, too! Bloody oath!”. I don’t mean to pry, Australia, but are you compensating for something? It’s okay, you can tell me.
However, one thing I must admit you got overwhelmingly RIGHT is not bothering with 1c or 2c coins. Frankly I wish that the UK would get rid of them too, those little copper space-consuming bastards.
Also, the pictures of local wildlife (kangaroos, platypuses, echidnas, returning WW2 soldiers etc.) are a nice touch. Back home the only animal we get on our coins is the Queen in either her early or more advanced forms (like a Pokemon!) which is rather less exciting. I’m sure that when Scotland forcibly detaches itself from England by detonating bombs all along the border, our new currency will be adorned with pictures of Highland cattle, grouse and wild haggis. Even if it is made of wood, since I doubt we have any precious metals lying around. Ah, what a bold future!
Eh, but I digress. My point is that your money is strange but beautiful, I think. And if that wasn’t my point, it’ll have to do.
Much love,
Saffy
Because it NEEDED TO BE SAID, yo. :P
Dear Australia,
Hello there! I thought it was time you and I sat down and had a little chat about money. No, not the ‘economic downturn’ or banking crises or anything like that - I mean the actual money itself, the form that currency takes in your country.
In short: what the hell, Australia? What the HELL?
I was going to start off by complaining about your crazy plastic notes, like you’re too good for paper or something, but then I realised that the crazy plasticness of your cash means you get little windows in the money and that is AWESOME. Also the day-glo colours make your money comfortingly similar to Monopoly and also very easy to recognise, unlike Scotland’s ‘every bank has its own set of notes that only vaguely resemble each other’ system. (Although I have heard disturbing rumours that the $5 note can be folded in such a way as to make the Queen do... something. I don’t actually know what it is, but I’m going to label it DEEPLY SUSPICIOUS.) Unfortunately, all the good will of your pleasant notes system is undone by the frank horribleness of your coinage.
I must ask again: what the hell, Australia? The two-dollar coins are smaller than the one-dollar coins? That makes no sense! Even ignoring the intuitive idea that bigger denomination = bigger coin, it means that the higher value coins are more easily lost, costing Australians everywhere (well... most likely those in Australia) billions of dollars per annum. BILLIONS. Possibly. I ask you, is this the coinage system of a sane man? No, no it is not.
And don’t even get me started on the 50c and 20c coins, which are ridiculously gigantic and easily outstrip the dollar coins (lending further weight to my ‘higher value coins get lost’ theory). From a practical viewpoint, this means they take up too much space in my wallet and prevent the collecting of more important monies. And from a less practical viewpoint, it just looks a little... well, desperate, like the man in charge of creating money looked at the British 50p coin and said “nine sides, eh? Well, ours will have TWELVE sides! And be bigger! And thicker, too! Bloody oath!”. I don’t mean to pry, Australia, but are you compensating for something? It’s okay, you can tell me.
However, one thing I must admit you got overwhelmingly RIGHT is not bothering with 1c or 2c coins. Frankly I wish that the UK would get rid of them too, those little copper space-consuming bastards.
Also, the pictures of local wildlife (kangaroos, platypuses, echidnas, returning WW2 soldiers etc.) are a nice touch. Back home the only animal we get on our coins is the Queen in either her early or more advanced forms (like a Pokemon!) which is rather less exciting. I’m sure that when Scotland forcibly detaches itself from England by detonating bombs all along the border, our new currency will be adorned with pictures of Highland cattle, grouse and wild haggis. Even if it is made of wood, since I doubt we have any precious metals lying around. Ah, what a bold future!
Eh, but I digress. My point is that your money is strange but beautiful, I think. And if that wasn’t my point, it’ll have to do.
Much love,
Saffy
Because it NEEDED TO BE SAID, yo. :P