(no subject)
Wishing Stars
Part One
d/b
AU
Warnings: Space
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
The Captain looked haggard when he joined Dr. Boyd at the bar.
“Alright then, Cap?”
The Captain smiled thinly, “Nothing to worry about, Doctor, just showing my age.” He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before forcing his smile wider. The doctor wasn’t fooled.
“What’s happened?”
The Captain didn’t answer immediately. He signaled to the barman for his usual and gulped a fiery swallow before speaking. “Lost a planet today.”
“Oh?” The doctor felt tears prick at his eyes. It never got any easier, no matter how many times it happened. All those people. Dust now.
The doctor didn’t ask which planet. He’d find out later. He didn’t want to know yet if it was a planet he had been to, had memories of, he hoped not.
“Who was the lead?” he asked instead.
“Monaghan.”
The doctor’s jaw dropped. He didn’t know Monaghan but he had heard of him, of course. Everyone had heard of him. He was a brilliant tactician, perhaps the best. He had never lost a planet before.
“Poor bugger,” the doctor said. Usually he was not inclined to pity the tacticians. They were an elite crowd, arrogant. They had made the doctor’s life a living hell during training camp. Still, it was a tough job, an important job and…
“Monaghan’s an Earthling you know.”
“I know.” the doctor sighed. He did not like to be reminded of his home planet and the Captain knew this. Earth had been one of the first planets to go. The League had given them no warning. There was no time to evacuate and the only Earthlings that were left now were the scant few who had happened to be off-planet at the time. The doctor shivered.
“Sorry, Bill,” the Captain said.
Billy ignored the apology. If he allowed himself to continue with these thoughts he’d start crying. He’d cry the way he had in the months following the loss of his planet when he’d cried for hours at time, inconsolable. After all these years he had finally got the crying under control. Now he only cried at night, in the dark, when no one could hear him.
“Was there time for an evacuation?” Billy asked instead. He might be needed if there had been. There might be sick and injured people to care for.
“Yes,” the Captain said. “Quite a large one, in fact, but that’s not why I brought this up.” The Captain took another swallow of his drink. “I want you to talk to Monaghan. See how he’s doing. I don’t know…comfort him if you can.”
“Bernard,” Billy said, “I’m not a psychologist. Get Wilkens down to talk to him.”
“I did. Monaghan wouldn’t speak with him. Look, I know you have no great love for the tacticians but he’s from your world. You, of all people, know what he’s been through. Just go see him. Just once.”
Billy wanted to say no. He tried to avoid other Earthlings whenever possible. They made him homesick for a place he could never return to. Bernard was blinking back tears though.
“We need him. We need him if we’re going to have any chance at winning this war. Think of what you’ve lost. Do you want the rest of us to lose the things dearest to us too?”
“How can you say that?” Billy spat. He rose from his chair and turned to go.
“You’ll see him?” The Captain called.
“Once,” Billy said, not turning.
“His first name’s Dominic. He likes to be called Dom. He’s at the base.”
Billy walked out of the bar.
~*~
The base was just outside of town on a flat plain next to the mountains. Billy decided to walk. The countryside was pretty. It was early spring and a fresh breeze blew through the grass on the side of the road. This was his adopted planet, Nola. It was named for an ancient goddess, or perhaps the planet was the goddess. The mythology was jumbled in Billy’s mind. She was lovely, Nola. Of all the planets he had been to this one reminded him most of Earth. He supposed that’s why he had chosen to stay here, it felt almost like home.
Almost. Billy had been living here so long that he could sometimes ignore the subtle differences. There were trees and rocks and streams and mountains but they were all slightly alien. The rocks held different hues in their depths. They didn’t feel exactly the same and the trees twisted strangely. The smell on the wind was different too. It had a tang of strange animals and plants growing. Take for instance the field he was passing on the left. There were cattle grazing there but they weren’t cows, or goats or sheep. They were Nola’s cattle and the grasses they ate were Nola’s grasses. They were different but they made the same sad lowing sounds that Billy remembered the cows on Earth making.
He showed the sentry at the gate his badge and was allowed admittance into the vast complex of the base. He made his way towards the housing units. The tacticians got the best accommodations and Billy knew Monaghan’s house without asking. It looked like a structure one might find on Earth. It was just a simple little bungalow with flowers sprouting by the porch. Billy made his way up the little path and stopped short. Those weren’t just any flowers. They were daffodils. They were real, honest-to-God daffodils. Billy hadn’t thought he’d ever see their sunny faces again.
He stooped over them and delicately ran his fingers over the petals. He had promised himself he wasn’t going to cry on this errand but his face was wet and he pulled his trembling hand away from the flower, afraid he’d damage it.
Get control of yourself. It’s just a flower. But he had a memory of those flowers.
~*~
It was her first dance and his sister wore a pink gown. It was a warm day and Billy sat in the kitchen with his jeans rolled up and his feet bare. The sunlight fell in soft bars through the windows and he could see her through the doorway of her bedroom standing in front of the mirror.
“You’re gorgeous,” he called and she was. She was young and excited and she skipped from the bedroom and put a kiss on Billy’s forehead.
“You have to say that.”
“It’s true. Wish Mum could see you.”
“Oh, she does,” Maggie said with that confidence she always had. Billy wasn’t so sure.
Their grandmother came bustling in with armful of greenery.
“For your hair,” she said and Maggie beamed.
“Grams, you’re too good to me.”
Their grandmother had worked overtime for two weeks to buy Maggie’s dress. Billy could see she thought it was worth it.
“Nothing’s too good for you.” She clipped the stems off the yellow flowers and Billy held the pins while his grandmother nestled them in Maggie’s braid. “They’re like little, yellow stars, these flowers. Wishing Stars.”
Maggie hugged both of them close. They stood there for a moment, their small family, and thought about wishes.
“I can’t think of a single wish,” Maggie laughed. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”
~*~
It was just like it was years ago. Billy started crying and got lost in memories, got lost in time. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting on the porch but when he finally came to the light was low on the mountains. He had picked one of the flowers and held it clenched in his hand.
A man was making his way towards him up the path and Billy knew him at once. It was Monaghan. He’d seen his face often enough on the nets. He was smaller than Billy had expected. His uniform was rumpled and fit him poorly. He seemed lost in a reverie but when Billy sniffled he looked up sharply and stopped.
Billy rose awkwardly to his feet.
“Hello, you must be Monaghan. I’m Doctor Boyd. Captain Hill…”
“What did you do?”
“What?”
“You killed it.”
Billy looked down at the blossom in his hand.
“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t…I was…my sister had…”
Monaghan just stood there with his hands clenched into fists by his sides. Billy was uncertain if he should run or try to explain or…or…
“Get out,” Monaghan growled.
“Just let me explain! I love them. I didn’t mean to. Dancing with the daffodils and all that. I know them!”
“Get out! Get out!” Monaghan bent and scooped up a rock from the path. “Fucking murderer. Get out!”
Billy ran, dropping the flower at Monaghan’s feet.
~*~
Mr. Monaghan,
Please accept my apologies for intruding in your garden last evening. I never meant any harm to your daffodils and I understand, perhaps more than anyone, how precious they are. I hope we will meet again under more favorable circumstances but if not I’d like to thank you for giving me that little reminder of home. I hope I didn’t cause any lasting damage.
Yours,
Doctor Billy Boyd
~*~
Two weeks had passed since the daffodil incident and Billy had tried to put it out of his mind. The past, he had learned, was better left in the past. Still, his sister haunted his dreams more often of late and he could not look at the newly blooming flowers without a tug of sadness in his heart.
If I were home I’d be waiting for lilacs, he thought as he made dinner. How he missed the heady scent of lilacs. They were a brief bloom and Billy had spent most of the year missing them. Now he would miss them always.
There was a knock on the door and Billy waited for the person to enter. The irony was that though they were at war and all of them in danger of being killed at any moment, no one locked their doors on Nola. It was if the planet had decided that they had too much to worry about from outsiders to do harm to each other. Crime was almost nonexistent. Most people knocked on the door just to announce themselves but Billy’s neighbors were not adverse to just barging right in.
This habit had annoyed Billy at first. He had retired to this quiet town in the hopes of being left alone, to live alone with his sorrow. That had not been allowed. His neighbors were the nosiest, most annoying people in the galaxy. Billy didn’t know what he would do without them.
The knock sounded again and Billy turned off the burner and went to answer the door. It was probably Bernard. The Captain had spent a great deal of time studying Earth’s customs after he had met Billy and would often try to follow those rules of etiquette if he remembered.
It wasn’t Bernard though. It was Monaghan.
“Well, that explains the knocking,” Billy said.
Monaghan was dressed in civilian clothes, which fit him better, including one of Earth’s great contributions to the galaxy, denims. He held a single flower in his hand.
“Doesn’t it annoy you how they always barge right in?” Monaghan asked.
“It use to,” Billy admitted, “Now I find it’s rather…”
“Endearing,” Monaghan finished.
Billy smiled and looked at his shoes. There was a long silence.
“I’m sorry I was so rude the other night,” Monaghan began just as Billy said,
“Where are my manners? Won’t you come in?”
They laughed and Billy opened the door wider.
“I brought you this,” Monaghan said holding up the daffodil. “You must understand, I didn’t know you were…where you were from…no one understands how it is. I had a hard day.”
“I heard,” Billy said. “Shall I put it in water?”
Monaghan seemed reluctant for a moment to give up the flower. He placed a small kiss on its petals before handing it over.
“It’s beautiful. You didn’t have to, but I…it means a lot. Thank you.”
Billy’s hands were trembling. The flower smelled so sweet, so like home. He could hear his sister’s laughter.
“I’ll show you how to press it, before it wilts, and then you can have it always. Anyway, you’re welcome to around to my house and see them anytime you want. I really am sorry.”
“There’s no need.” Billy said. “I’d have been angry too if I thought…someone thought it was just another flower.”
“Well,” Monaghan said. He scuffed his shoes on the rug. “That’s all I wanted. Just…to say…that. I’ll be off.”
“No!” Billy said before he really thought about it. “Stay for dinner. I’ve made too much. I always do.”
“Yeah?”
Billy almost reconsidered. He felt very close to tears. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to think about home, but with the daffodil blooming in its vase there would be no hope for it anyway and Billy didn’t want to be alone. Maybe, maybe Monaghan would understand.
“Yeah,” Billy said.
For the first time in six years he sat down at the table and had dinner with another person from his world.
~*~
It was strange. It was strange that it should be so comfortable. Being with Monaghan was like slipping into a well-worn pair of shoes. They took their dinner on the patio and kept the conversation light at first. Billy talked about his neighbors and Monaghan told stories about his comrades on base. The sun set and Billy lit the oil lamp on the table. The garden had flowers that opened at dusk and wafted perfume into the air. Bugs that were not fireflies but acted like them swam in the shadows. The males, Monaghan said, were blue and the females were green. He held up a vegetable speared on his fork.
“It looks like a green bean. It tastes like green bean but it’s not a green bean.”
“I wonder if we’ll ever stop looking at everything in that context, be able to enjoy things for what they are, not be saddened by what they’re not.”
“I’m enjoying this,” Monaghan said. “Dinner with you, sweet little daffodil on the table. Thank you.”
Billy blushed and touched the petals of the daffodil lightly. “My grandmother used to call them Wishing Stars.”
“And what would you wish for?”
Billy sighed, “I don’t wish anymore. I’ve too many wishes that will never come true.”
“Perhaps it’s time for some new ones.”
Billy looked Monaghan in the eye and he wasn’t ashamed of the tears that he felt streaming down his face. “Perhaps, Monaghan, perhaps.”
“Call me Dom. You know what I’d wish for?”
“What, Dom?”
“Well, I’m on medical leave for the next few weeks. Emotional Trauma and all that and I have some other plants I think you’d like.”
“Earth plants?”
“Maybe. Will you come see them?”
“I’d love to.”
“Til tomorrow then,” Dom said, rising.
At the garden gate he paused for a moment as if he was about to say something further but he just looked at Billy for a long moment and then sauntered off down the street, singing a song that Billy had heard in his cradle.
Part One
d/b
AU
Warnings: Space
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
The Captain looked haggard when he joined Dr. Boyd at the bar.
“Alright then, Cap?”
The Captain smiled thinly, “Nothing to worry about, Doctor, just showing my age.” He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before forcing his smile wider. The doctor wasn’t fooled.
“What’s happened?”
The Captain didn’t answer immediately. He signaled to the barman for his usual and gulped a fiery swallow before speaking. “Lost a planet today.”
“Oh?” The doctor felt tears prick at his eyes. It never got any easier, no matter how many times it happened. All those people. Dust now.
The doctor didn’t ask which planet. He’d find out later. He didn’t want to know yet if it was a planet he had been to, had memories of, he hoped not.
“Who was the lead?” he asked instead.
“Monaghan.”
The doctor’s jaw dropped. He didn’t know Monaghan but he had heard of him, of course. Everyone had heard of him. He was a brilliant tactician, perhaps the best. He had never lost a planet before.
“Poor bugger,” the doctor said. Usually he was not inclined to pity the tacticians. They were an elite crowd, arrogant. They had made the doctor’s life a living hell during training camp. Still, it was a tough job, an important job and…
“Monaghan’s an Earthling you know.”
“I know.” the doctor sighed. He did not like to be reminded of his home planet and the Captain knew this. Earth had been one of the first planets to go. The League had given them no warning. There was no time to evacuate and the only Earthlings that were left now were the scant few who had happened to be off-planet at the time. The doctor shivered.
“Sorry, Bill,” the Captain said.
Billy ignored the apology. If he allowed himself to continue with these thoughts he’d start crying. He’d cry the way he had in the months following the loss of his planet when he’d cried for hours at time, inconsolable. After all these years he had finally got the crying under control. Now he only cried at night, in the dark, when no one could hear him.
“Was there time for an evacuation?” Billy asked instead. He might be needed if there had been. There might be sick and injured people to care for.
“Yes,” the Captain said. “Quite a large one, in fact, but that’s not why I brought this up.” The Captain took another swallow of his drink. “I want you to talk to Monaghan. See how he’s doing. I don’t know…comfort him if you can.”
“Bernard,” Billy said, “I’m not a psychologist. Get Wilkens down to talk to him.”
“I did. Monaghan wouldn’t speak with him. Look, I know you have no great love for the tacticians but he’s from your world. You, of all people, know what he’s been through. Just go see him. Just once.”
Billy wanted to say no. He tried to avoid other Earthlings whenever possible. They made him homesick for a place he could never return to. Bernard was blinking back tears though.
“We need him. We need him if we’re going to have any chance at winning this war. Think of what you’ve lost. Do you want the rest of us to lose the things dearest to us too?”
“How can you say that?” Billy spat. He rose from his chair and turned to go.
“You’ll see him?” The Captain called.
“Once,” Billy said, not turning.
“His first name’s Dominic. He likes to be called Dom. He’s at the base.”
Billy walked out of the bar.
~*~
The base was just outside of town on a flat plain next to the mountains. Billy decided to walk. The countryside was pretty. It was early spring and a fresh breeze blew through the grass on the side of the road. This was his adopted planet, Nola. It was named for an ancient goddess, or perhaps the planet was the goddess. The mythology was jumbled in Billy’s mind. She was lovely, Nola. Of all the planets he had been to this one reminded him most of Earth. He supposed that’s why he had chosen to stay here, it felt almost like home.
Almost. Billy had been living here so long that he could sometimes ignore the subtle differences. There were trees and rocks and streams and mountains but they were all slightly alien. The rocks held different hues in their depths. They didn’t feel exactly the same and the trees twisted strangely. The smell on the wind was different too. It had a tang of strange animals and plants growing. Take for instance the field he was passing on the left. There were cattle grazing there but they weren’t cows, or goats or sheep. They were Nola’s cattle and the grasses they ate were Nola’s grasses. They were different but they made the same sad lowing sounds that Billy remembered the cows on Earth making.
He showed the sentry at the gate his badge and was allowed admittance into the vast complex of the base. He made his way towards the housing units. The tacticians got the best accommodations and Billy knew Monaghan’s house without asking. It looked like a structure one might find on Earth. It was just a simple little bungalow with flowers sprouting by the porch. Billy made his way up the little path and stopped short. Those weren’t just any flowers. They were daffodils. They were real, honest-to-God daffodils. Billy hadn’t thought he’d ever see their sunny faces again.
He stooped over them and delicately ran his fingers over the petals. He had promised himself he wasn’t going to cry on this errand but his face was wet and he pulled his trembling hand away from the flower, afraid he’d damage it.
Get control of yourself. It’s just a flower. But he had a memory of those flowers.
~*~
It was her first dance and his sister wore a pink gown. It was a warm day and Billy sat in the kitchen with his jeans rolled up and his feet bare. The sunlight fell in soft bars through the windows and he could see her through the doorway of her bedroom standing in front of the mirror.
“You’re gorgeous,” he called and she was. She was young and excited and she skipped from the bedroom and put a kiss on Billy’s forehead.
“You have to say that.”
“It’s true. Wish Mum could see you.”
“Oh, she does,” Maggie said with that confidence she always had. Billy wasn’t so sure.
Their grandmother came bustling in with armful of greenery.
“For your hair,” she said and Maggie beamed.
“Grams, you’re too good to me.”
Their grandmother had worked overtime for two weeks to buy Maggie’s dress. Billy could see she thought it was worth it.
“Nothing’s too good for you.” She clipped the stems off the yellow flowers and Billy held the pins while his grandmother nestled them in Maggie’s braid. “They’re like little, yellow stars, these flowers. Wishing Stars.”
Maggie hugged both of them close. They stood there for a moment, their small family, and thought about wishes.
“I can’t think of a single wish,” Maggie laughed. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”
~*~
It was just like it was years ago. Billy started crying and got lost in memories, got lost in time. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting on the porch but when he finally came to the light was low on the mountains. He had picked one of the flowers and held it clenched in his hand.
A man was making his way towards him up the path and Billy knew him at once. It was Monaghan. He’d seen his face often enough on the nets. He was smaller than Billy had expected. His uniform was rumpled and fit him poorly. He seemed lost in a reverie but when Billy sniffled he looked up sharply and stopped.
Billy rose awkwardly to his feet.
“Hello, you must be Monaghan. I’m Doctor Boyd. Captain Hill…”
“What did you do?”
“What?”
“You killed it.”
Billy looked down at the blossom in his hand.
“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t…I was…my sister had…”
Monaghan just stood there with his hands clenched into fists by his sides. Billy was uncertain if he should run or try to explain or…or…
“Get out,” Monaghan growled.
“Just let me explain! I love them. I didn’t mean to. Dancing with the daffodils and all that. I know them!”
“Get out! Get out!” Monaghan bent and scooped up a rock from the path. “Fucking murderer. Get out!”
Billy ran, dropping the flower at Monaghan’s feet.
~*~
Mr. Monaghan,
Please accept my apologies for intruding in your garden last evening. I never meant any harm to your daffodils and I understand, perhaps more than anyone, how precious they are. I hope we will meet again under more favorable circumstances but if not I’d like to thank you for giving me that little reminder of home. I hope I didn’t cause any lasting damage.
Yours,
Doctor Billy Boyd
~*~
Two weeks had passed since the daffodil incident and Billy had tried to put it out of his mind. The past, he had learned, was better left in the past. Still, his sister haunted his dreams more often of late and he could not look at the newly blooming flowers without a tug of sadness in his heart.
If I were home I’d be waiting for lilacs, he thought as he made dinner. How he missed the heady scent of lilacs. They were a brief bloom and Billy had spent most of the year missing them. Now he would miss them always.
There was a knock on the door and Billy waited for the person to enter. The irony was that though they were at war and all of them in danger of being killed at any moment, no one locked their doors on Nola. It was if the planet had decided that they had too much to worry about from outsiders to do harm to each other. Crime was almost nonexistent. Most people knocked on the door just to announce themselves but Billy’s neighbors were not adverse to just barging right in.
This habit had annoyed Billy at first. He had retired to this quiet town in the hopes of being left alone, to live alone with his sorrow. That had not been allowed. His neighbors were the nosiest, most annoying people in the galaxy. Billy didn’t know what he would do without them.
The knock sounded again and Billy turned off the burner and went to answer the door. It was probably Bernard. The Captain had spent a great deal of time studying Earth’s customs after he had met Billy and would often try to follow those rules of etiquette if he remembered.
It wasn’t Bernard though. It was Monaghan.
“Well, that explains the knocking,” Billy said.
Monaghan was dressed in civilian clothes, which fit him better, including one of Earth’s great contributions to the galaxy, denims. He held a single flower in his hand.
“Doesn’t it annoy you how they always barge right in?” Monaghan asked.
“It use to,” Billy admitted, “Now I find it’s rather…”
“Endearing,” Monaghan finished.
Billy smiled and looked at his shoes. There was a long silence.
“I’m sorry I was so rude the other night,” Monaghan began just as Billy said,
“Where are my manners? Won’t you come in?”
They laughed and Billy opened the door wider.
“I brought you this,” Monaghan said holding up the daffodil. “You must understand, I didn’t know you were…where you were from…no one understands how it is. I had a hard day.”
“I heard,” Billy said. “Shall I put it in water?”
Monaghan seemed reluctant for a moment to give up the flower. He placed a small kiss on its petals before handing it over.
“It’s beautiful. You didn’t have to, but I…it means a lot. Thank you.”
Billy’s hands were trembling. The flower smelled so sweet, so like home. He could hear his sister’s laughter.
“I’ll show you how to press it, before it wilts, and then you can have it always. Anyway, you’re welcome to around to my house and see them anytime you want. I really am sorry.”
“There’s no need.” Billy said. “I’d have been angry too if I thought…someone thought it was just another flower.”
“Well,” Monaghan said. He scuffed his shoes on the rug. “That’s all I wanted. Just…to say…that. I’ll be off.”
“No!” Billy said before he really thought about it. “Stay for dinner. I’ve made too much. I always do.”
“Yeah?”
Billy almost reconsidered. He felt very close to tears. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to think about home, but with the daffodil blooming in its vase there would be no hope for it anyway and Billy didn’t want to be alone. Maybe, maybe Monaghan would understand.
“Yeah,” Billy said.
For the first time in six years he sat down at the table and had dinner with another person from his world.
~*~
It was strange. It was strange that it should be so comfortable. Being with Monaghan was like slipping into a well-worn pair of shoes. They took their dinner on the patio and kept the conversation light at first. Billy talked about his neighbors and Monaghan told stories about his comrades on base. The sun set and Billy lit the oil lamp on the table. The garden had flowers that opened at dusk and wafted perfume into the air. Bugs that were not fireflies but acted like them swam in the shadows. The males, Monaghan said, were blue and the females were green. He held up a vegetable speared on his fork.
“It looks like a green bean. It tastes like green bean but it’s not a green bean.”
“I wonder if we’ll ever stop looking at everything in that context, be able to enjoy things for what they are, not be saddened by what they’re not.”
“I’m enjoying this,” Monaghan said. “Dinner with you, sweet little daffodil on the table. Thank you.”
Billy blushed and touched the petals of the daffodil lightly. “My grandmother used to call them Wishing Stars.”
“And what would you wish for?”
Billy sighed, “I don’t wish anymore. I’ve too many wishes that will never come true.”
“Perhaps it’s time for some new ones.”
Billy looked Monaghan in the eye and he wasn’t ashamed of the tears that he felt streaming down his face. “Perhaps, Monaghan, perhaps.”
“Call me Dom. You know what I’d wish for?”
“What, Dom?”
“Well, I’m on medical leave for the next few weeks. Emotional Trauma and all that and I have some other plants I think you’d like.”
“Earth plants?”
“Maybe. Will you come see them?”
“I’d love to.”
“Til tomorrow then,” Dom said, rising.
At the garden gate he paused for a moment as if he was about to say something further but he just looked at Billy for a long moment and then sauntered off down the street, singing a song that Billy had heard in his cradle.