“...I can’t hear you now.”
So hi.
I can’t sleep again.
I have literally been the worst therapist this week. I have struggled to remain present with anyone and I have not been safe. I figure I will cut until the 20th and never again.
But that’s bullshit. When has that kind of cold turkey shit ever worked? Remember back when I was a child and I was like “omg if I really love Chester I won’t cut” and that lasted a good amount of time! I think 10 months... or maybe a year? Which is forever when you’re young and destroyed.
I miss you everyday. I am better table to regulate my emotions but I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of you. Remembering I will never have the chance to see you. To hear you. To breathe your air. And that’s my own fault. For all the excuses I made. For all the missed opportunities. I am sorry. I know my apology means nothing now. But I am still sorry. I’m sorry that it’s a year later and I still find myself fucked with thoughts of you. I’m sorry I can’t move on (we both know that was always an issue for me). I’m sorry I don’t want help. I’m sorry I don’t want to stop cutting. It feels so good. It reminds me I’m alive and physical pain is easy. It makes everything so easy.
I wish things were easier and you were still here. I wish I could’ve saved you and showed you how dark the world is without you. It’s so fucking dark. 🖤