When You Love Someone But It Goes To Waste
I feel pensive, and have been described as such in the last week. I feel like a lot is happening in my life, and a lot is changing, and I haven't felt this much change in years. The last time I felt this alone (in my thoughts) was when my friend Ian and I ... stopped being friends. I don't know if that's something I've ever spoken about in my journal, and now's not the time, but in regards to my feelings it made me very inward and provoked a lot of internal conflict within me... which is how I feel now.
I'm finding I'm having good days, and bad days, and it doesn't take much to make me go from having a good day to having a bad day, and vice versa. One sideways glance in the mirror may make me feel self-conscious, and the next glance makes me feel like I've got it together. Quite honestly my job is my life, and that's not because it has to be, but because it's all I do (that and WoW, and Anthony). With regard to the job, I am so ready to move on; I need to move on. I won't be able to look at myself with any certainty about where I am in my life until this last, final period of limbo is over, and I can't pretend like I want to hold on any longer than I am already.
I haven't let go of Anthony yet. I don't really want to. I don't want him to get far enough away that it'll mean we can't get back together... in my head I'm still planning a future together, and whilst I don't think that's necessarily healthy (or even a part of his plan), I can't stop feeling that way. I don't want a complete break, I don't want to lose that connection... with it goes my best friend and, together with my job, that'd be everything that I am - that I have been - gone. It's scary, and I feel like I should be a stronger person.
I am aching to move into my new house. I hope everything goes well with the settlement, and with the tenants moving out, and with getting it fixed up. July at the latest - that's still 4 months away, but I'm already living day by day, and I'm saving a lot of money living at Dad's, so I just need to think about that and focus on that, and I'll make it through. I'm doing okay living here, but it *feels* temporary, which is bemusing since the last time I lived here I was moving back and forth between here and mum's every week...
I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my friends. Though I don't feel like I can bring them here which I could whilst in high school, I now have the capacity to go out with them, and that'll be nice. Still not ready for nightlife, as a general concept, but going for cocktails and dinner is definitely within the boundaries of what I do. I'm hoping Renee and Damien in particular keep in contact even though I'm leaving. Liesel's gone AWOL and probably left the country, and I'm still feeling pretty gutted about that... again, reminiscent of Ian. *sigh* Positive, Steven, focus on the positive.
So much in the future is positive. Alas, it's not here... not quite yet.
Until next time.
10:52pm
I'm finding I'm having good days, and bad days, and it doesn't take much to make me go from having a good day to having a bad day, and vice versa. One sideways glance in the mirror may make me feel self-conscious, and the next glance makes me feel like I've got it together. Quite honestly my job is my life, and that's not because it has to be, but because it's all I do (that and WoW, and Anthony). With regard to the job, I am so ready to move on; I need to move on. I won't be able to look at myself with any certainty about where I am in my life until this last, final period of limbo is over, and I can't pretend like I want to hold on any longer than I am already.
I haven't let go of Anthony yet. I don't really want to. I don't want him to get far enough away that it'll mean we can't get back together... in my head I'm still planning a future together, and whilst I don't think that's necessarily healthy (or even a part of his plan), I can't stop feeling that way. I don't want a complete break, I don't want to lose that connection... with it goes my best friend and, together with my job, that'd be everything that I am - that I have been - gone. It's scary, and I feel like I should be a stronger person.
I am aching to move into my new house. I hope everything goes well with the settlement, and with the tenants moving out, and with getting it fixed up. July at the latest - that's still 4 months away, but I'm already living day by day, and I'm saving a lot of money living at Dad's, so I just need to think about that and focus on that, and I'll make it through. I'm doing okay living here, but it *feels* temporary, which is bemusing since the last time I lived here I was moving back and forth between here and mum's every week...
I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my friends. Though I don't feel like I can bring them here which I could whilst in high school, I now have the capacity to go out with them, and that'll be nice. Still not ready for nightlife, as a general concept, but going for cocktails and dinner is definitely within the boundaries of what I do. I'm hoping Renee and Damien in particular keep in contact even though I'm leaving. Liesel's gone AWOL and probably left the country, and I'm still feeling pretty gutted about that... again, reminiscent of Ian. *sigh* Positive, Steven, focus on the positive.
So much in the future is positive. Alas, it's not here... not quite yet.
Until next time.
10:52pm