Yes, I looked again.
Because I'm a masochist that way.
And ya know..it's like something in me just died. He sat and got a little "giggle" with his new piece. And suddenly...everything fell into place.
A few months ago, when he and I first got together...there was this girl posting about him in her journal. I stumbled on it when doing a google search for his s/n (cuz I was trying to figure out where it came from). He told me she was stalking him, that she was crazy, that they hadn't been together in months. blah blah blah.
Then I found another journal. Cuz by then I was curious. There was over a YEAR of entries. All about him. It ended up being a big drama. He called her, she cried, he yelled, he freaked out. I was like "whatever, I believe you". She left me a nasty nasty comment somewhere, I hid it. I left her one, she hid it. It was stupid.
And now it's happening again. Except I'M the one he split with and this "Blondie" person is the new one. And I'm the crazy one. Funny how in just a few hours I slipped from "dollface" (in an email) to "this crazy chick" (in a journal entry).
I told him yesterday that i just don't fucking care anymore. His response was "yes you do or you wouldn't be this upset". Well, true enough. But I don't WANT to care anymore. And when I don't want to care I just pull away. It hasn't worked so well this time, but it will, given enough time.
And he keeps saying he knows WHY I took him off my friends list (because I didn't want his journal entries popping up on my friends list) and yet called me a hypocrite because he "knows I'm reading his". That hurt. A lot. I was trying to protect myself and somehow that makes me a hypocrite? I dunno. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. Whatever. But I'm trying to set some boundaries for myself to get over this man. The fact that I crossed them by going to it anyway (because geezus fuck I actually care about this guy) is a different issue altogether.
But then he just gets nasty. He's good at that. Has it down to a fucking art form. He's had plenty of practice, that's for damn sure. I should have expected it. I should have KNOWN that would be his reaction if/when things didn't work out. I should have known he'd go from "I love her" to "I knew she'd do this to me" in the blink of an eye. I should have seen it coming that he would make me out to be the crazy one. That he couldn't just say "this wasn't meant to be" and let it go at that. That he would decide that he would say anything and everything he wanted no matter how much it hurt me and then claim I'm the one who only cares about herself. That he would make sure to rub it in my face as much as possible that he has someone else there now (funny how everything he told me about being touched and stuff is apparently bullshit too).
That's something else too. Mr "I don't even want a relationship" is already screwing around with someone else. I love how people do that. I had been single for over 3 years before getting involved with him. I have never been one to jump from relationship to relationship. And yet, there he goes. Laughing with a new one, just like he did when we got together and he blew the other girl off. She sent me a log back then. A log that showed him trying to cyber her. AFTER he and I were together. I actually took his word for it that she was full of shit. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't know. Whatever. I have to get over this, and him. It's ridiculous to be sitting here crying over this man.
And ya know..it's like something in me just died. He sat and got a little "giggle" with his new piece. And suddenly...everything fell into place.
A few months ago, when he and I first got together...there was this girl posting about him in her journal. I stumbled on it when doing a google search for his s/n (cuz I was trying to figure out where it came from). He told me she was stalking him, that she was crazy, that they hadn't been together in months. blah blah blah.
Then I found another journal. Cuz by then I was curious. There was over a YEAR of entries. All about him. It ended up being a big drama. He called her, she cried, he yelled, he freaked out. I was like "whatever, I believe you". She left me a nasty nasty comment somewhere, I hid it. I left her one, she hid it. It was stupid.
And now it's happening again. Except I'M the one he split with and this "Blondie" person is the new one. And I'm the crazy one. Funny how in just a few hours I slipped from "dollface" (in an email) to "this crazy chick" (in a journal entry).
I told him yesterday that i just don't fucking care anymore. His response was "yes you do or you wouldn't be this upset". Well, true enough. But I don't WANT to care anymore. And when I don't want to care I just pull away. It hasn't worked so well this time, but it will, given enough time.
And he keeps saying he knows WHY I took him off my friends list (because I didn't want his journal entries popping up on my friends list) and yet called me a hypocrite because he "knows I'm reading his". That hurt. A lot. I was trying to protect myself and somehow that makes me a hypocrite? I dunno. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. Whatever. But I'm trying to set some boundaries for myself to get over this man. The fact that I crossed them by going to it anyway (because geezus fuck I actually care about this guy) is a different issue altogether.
But then he just gets nasty. He's good at that. Has it down to a fucking art form. He's had plenty of practice, that's for damn sure. I should have expected it. I should have KNOWN that would be his reaction if/when things didn't work out. I should have known he'd go from "I love her" to "I knew she'd do this to me" in the blink of an eye. I should have seen it coming that he would make me out to be the crazy one. That he couldn't just say "this wasn't meant to be" and let it go at that. That he would decide that he would say anything and everything he wanted no matter how much it hurt me and then claim I'm the one who only cares about herself. That he would make sure to rub it in my face as much as possible that he has someone else there now (funny how everything he told me about being touched and stuff is apparently bullshit too).
That's something else too. Mr "I don't even want a relationship" is already screwing around with someone else. I love how people do that. I had been single for over 3 years before getting involved with him. I have never been one to jump from relationship to relationship. And yet, there he goes. Laughing with a new one, just like he did when we got together and he blew the other girl off. She sent me a log back then. A log that showed him trying to cyber her. AFTER he and I were together. I actually took his word for it that she was full of shit. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't know. Whatever. I have to get over this, and him. It's ridiculous to be sitting here crying over this man.