Steppingstones of the Body
I went to one of Ira Progoff's Intensive Journal workshops years ago. One of the exercises involves writing the "steppingstones" of our lives. Then, there is another one specifically for the body and another one for spiritual steppingstones. I did this exercise again today and thought I would share.
1987 - age 11 - Getting my first period feels like it should be on this list, but I don't have much to say about it.
1988 - age 12 - Early puberty and the first time my mom became resentful that I'm much thinner than she is. This also had the effect of making me aware for the first time of having a body. Before it was just a functional thing. I 'd never thought about how it looked or how other people would respond to it. I'd always been told I was skinny, but it felt no different from being told I have brown eyes. Now, suddenly it was a big deal.
1990 - age 14 - One night, I was using my parents' bathroom which has mirrored walls. As I was leaning over the sink, I happened to catch my back view in a mirror. I was both shocked and fascinated to see that it now resembled the adult women I'd seen in magazines.
1991 - age 15 - Lost my virginity.
1992 - age 16 - I found my philosophy on sex, along with most other things, changing. I was bothered by the way female sexual desire was considered pathological, a sign of low self esteem, while boys were just being boys and were supposed to "only want one thing". I can see now that my thoughts were forming the beginning of sex-positive feminism before I knew such a thing existed. Relationships were also strained through the rest of high school because of how invasive my mom was. She thought I owed it to her to not have anything good unless she could live vicariously through me...which would always be a problem, because you can never really own someone else's experience. (She tried to do this when I was older, too, but it was worse when we were living in the same house.)
1994 - age 18 - A couple months into college, I got a small tattoo of a rose on my hip. Though I would like to have it removed now, at the time, it was a rite of passage of taking ownership of my own body.
1994-97 - ages 18-20 - I started college. On my own for the first time where my mom couldn't get involved in my relationships, I was anxious to experience everything and find myself in the only way I knew how. I didn't date anyone for more than a few months during that time.
I was also learning about the power my body could have over men. I knew I'd been lucky in how it turned out. I can honestly say I had no insecurity about the physical appearance of my body, but at the same time, I felt very disassociated from it. So, I didn't have an ego about it either, because it really felt like something separate from my identity. It was something that got a lot of attention and praise and by proxy, brought me attention and praise. Because of this disassociation, I felt no self-consciousness about being naked or even being touched.
1997 - age 20- Became vegetarian (animal cruelty reasons).
1997-98 -ages 20-22- All of the previous came to an end because I got more seriously involved with someone. I think I felt a need for a deeper kind of love, but didn't know what it was or how to look for it. He had his own issues and we projected our needs onto eachother. I built it up to be this intense, larger-than-life love, because that's what I wanted it to be. I still felt empty. He also turned out to be a whackjob. When I moved in with him, I ended up being held against my will and had to sneak out one day while he was at work. It was also the most horrible, dysfunctional sex I've ever had. His idea of initiating was to tell me he needed to and then, get mad - sometimes, in a full-blown rage - when I didn't get immediately turned on. Yet, I still thought it was my fault I was losing my sex drive.
2000-2001 -ages 23-25- I was hanging out with pro-sexual-freedom hippie types. However, though I liked the idea of freedom, I just wasn't into everything they were, such as orgies and letting everyone in the group touch me or pretending to be something I'm not in order to fulfill their fantasy. I felt too restricted by the mainstream, but not as way out there as these people. They reacted by pressuring me in the name of trying to "liberate" me and turning very angry and mean when rejected. It made it a very hostile environment, which was especially hard because I considered a few people in that circle among my closest friends.
Throughout my 20s - I had extreme, often debilitating headaches, without knowing what was causing them.
2000 -age 24- I hooked up one night with a male friend I'd always been attracted to. Because I was in a mood, we didn't go all the way. Soon after, he moved across the country for grad school. Something about the situation always haunted me and continued to bother me for years.
2002 -age 25- I angrily broke off from the aforementioned circle of friends.
2003 -age 26- I suddenly started to experience extreme vaginal dryness, lack of sensation, and in general, it felt like my sexuality had just shut down, which was bizarre because nothing like that had ever happened before.
2003- age 27- It was suggested that my estrogen must be dropping. In an attempt to fix this, I changed brands of birth control. This just caused new problems with water-retention. So. I switched again.
2003 -age 27- My back went out of place to the point where my whole ribcage tilted. So, I no longer had an even waistline and for the first time, I could no longer take the appearance of my body for granted. For the first time, I felt insecure about it and knew what it was like to try on clothes and worry about how the looked on me. Doctors had no idea what had happened. I went to a spiritual healer. After she worked on me, I noticed that when I focused on that area with my mind, I could feel intense love and light like I'd never experienced before trying to be released from there. Every time I meditated on it, the feeling grew and as it did, my muscles released and started to move back into place, but it was happening very slowly. Simultaneously, the headaches also started to go away. It turned out they were tension headaches caused by tight muscles in my neck.
2003 -age 27- While dancing with friends in a club one night, I suddenly felt an intensely sensual emotional connection to the dance. It was there every time I danced after that. I also started taking bellydance again.
2004 -age 27- My physical issues got so bad that I had to accept that my body wanted me to stop dating for awhile.
2004 -age 28- After years as a strict vegetarian, I added back fish for health reasons.
2005 -age 28- The first sign that things were getting better. My sexuality that seemed to have previously shut down suddenly reemerged. I functioned perfectly fine again.
2005 -ages 28-29- Around this time, I met someone who though over the long-term, it wouldn't turn out to be the best relationship, during the first few months, while we were in our happy phase, I experienced a more genuine connection than I ever had with anyone before my "shut down phase". It was like my capacity to connect had drastically deepened. Likewise, the first time we had sex, I found that my disassociation issues were now gone and what I'd considered fun sex before was nothing compared to now.
2005 -age 29- At the same time, my back problem drastically improved. I was still a little crooked, but it wasn't that noticeable anymore.
2005 -age 29- I started modeling. At first, it was just for some extra money to pay the bills from when I was seeing a chiropractor for my back problem (which didn't help and wasn't covered by my insurance). My sister was a full-time model and suggested I check the phone book to see if there was an agency near me. There was only one. It was probably a strange way to get into it. While for some it might be their childhood dream, I never had any interest before that. But, once I did, I found that it was kind of fun, because there was something I wanted to express through that more physical form of expression.
2005 -age 29- At the same time, I reconnected with that old friend and got resolution for that situation.
2006-2009 -ages 30-33- I moved and started my happiest relationship. It was also the most fulfilling sex, because we had such intense chemistry, and that was just the icing on the cake of everything else that was great about him. Unfortunately, it ended because of my marriage-phobia.
2009-present -ages 33-37- I developed pernicious anemia. After years as a vegetarian, I have to admit it was wrecking my health. I went back to eating meat when I was 35. Now, I have a number of problems, including some bad circulation issues and I know there is a psychosomatic component to this, too. I'm trying to deal with that, but it's harder to get to the root of it than it was with the last problem.
2012 -age 36- While getting a circulation massage, I felt self-conscious about this strange man touching me and I suddenly remembered that that shows how far I've come from the disassociation issues I had when I was younger.
1987 - age 11 - Getting my first period feels like it should be on this list, but I don't have much to say about it.
1988 - age 12 - Early puberty and the first time my mom became resentful that I'm much thinner than she is. This also had the effect of making me aware for the first time of having a body. Before it was just a functional thing. I 'd never thought about how it looked or how other people would respond to it. I'd always been told I was skinny, but it felt no different from being told I have brown eyes. Now, suddenly it was a big deal.
1990 - age 14 - One night, I was using my parents' bathroom which has mirrored walls. As I was leaning over the sink, I happened to catch my back view in a mirror. I was both shocked and fascinated to see that it now resembled the adult women I'd seen in magazines.
1991 - age 15 - Lost my virginity.
1992 - age 16 - I found my philosophy on sex, along with most other things, changing. I was bothered by the way female sexual desire was considered pathological, a sign of low self esteem, while boys were just being boys and were supposed to "only want one thing". I can see now that my thoughts were forming the beginning of sex-positive feminism before I knew such a thing existed. Relationships were also strained through the rest of high school because of how invasive my mom was. She thought I owed it to her to not have anything good unless she could live vicariously through me...which would always be a problem, because you can never really own someone else's experience. (She tried to do this when I was older, too, but it was worse when we were living in the same house.)
1994 - age 18 - A couple months into college, I got a small tattoo of a rose on my hip. Though I would like to have it removed now, at the time, it was a rite of passage of taking ownership of my own body.
1994-97 - ages 18-20 - I started college. On my own for the first time where my mom couldn't get involved in my relationships, I was anxious to experience everything and find myself in the only way I knew how. I didn't date anyone for more than a few months during that time.
I was also learning about the power my body could have over men. I knew I'd been lucky in how it turned out. I can honestly say I had no insecurity about the physical appearance of my body, but at the same time, I felt very disassociated from it. So, I didn't have an ego about it either, because it really felt like something separate from my identity. It was something that got a lot of attention and praise and by proxy, brought me attention and praise. Because of this disassociation, I felt no self-consciousness about being naked or even being touched.
1997 - age 20- Became vegetarian (animal cruelty reasons).
1997-98 -ages 20-22- All of the previous came to an end because I got more seriously involved with someone. I think I felt a need for a deeper kind of love, but didn't know what it was or how to look for it. He had his own issues and we projected our needs onto eachother. I built it up to be this intense, larger-than-life love, because that's what I wanted it to be. I still felt empty. He also turned out to be a whackjob. When I moved in with him, I ended up being held against my will and had to sneak out one day while he was at work. It was also the most horrible, dysfunctional sex I've ever had. His idea of initiating was to tell me he needed to and then, get mad - sometimes, in a full-blown rage - when I didn't get immediately turned on. Yet, I still thought it was my fault I was losing my sex drive.
2000-2001 -ages 23-25- I was hanging out with pro-sexual-freedom hippie types. However, though I liked the idea of freedom, I just wasn't into everything they were, such as orgies and letting everyone in the group touch me or pretending to be something I'm not in order to fulfill their fantasy. I felt too restricted by the mainstream, but not as way out there as these people. They reacted by pressuring me in the name of trying to "liberate" me and turning very angry and mean when rejected. It made it a very hostile environment, which was especially hard because I considered a few people in that circle among my closest friends.
Throughout my 20s - I had extreme, often debilitating headaches, without knowing what was causing them.
2000 -age 24- I hooked up one night with a male friend I'd always been attracted to. Because I was in a mood, we didn't go all the way. Soon after, he moved across the country for grad school. Something about the situation always haunted me and continued to bother me for years.
2002 -age 25- I angrily broke off from the aforementioned circle of friends.
2003 -age 26- I suddenly started to experience extreme vaginal dryness, lack of sensation, and in general, it felt like my sexuality had just shut down, which was bizarre because nothing like that had ever happened before.
2003- age 27- It was suggested that my estrogen must be dropping. In an attempt to fix this, I changed brands of birth control. This just caused new problems with water-retention. So. I switched again.
2003 -age 27- My back went out of place to the point where my whole ribcage tilted. So, I no longer had an even waistline and for the first time, I could no longer take the appearance of my body for granted. For the first time, I felt insecure about it and knew what it was like to try on clothes and worry about how the looked on me. Doctors had no idea what had happened. I went to a spiritual healer. After she worked on me, I noticed that when I focused on that area with my mind, I could feel intense love and light like I'd never experienced before trying to be released from there. Every time I meditated on it, the feeling grew and as it did, my muscles released and started to move back into place, but it was happening very slowly. Simultaneously, the headaches also started to go away. It turned out they were tension headaches caused by tight muscles in my neck.
2003 -age 27- While dancing with friends in a club one night, I suddenly felt an intensely sensual emotional connection to the dance. It was there every time I danced after that. I also started taking bellydance again.
2004 -age 27- My physical issues got so bad that I had to accept that my body wanted me to stop dating for awhile.
2004 -age 28- After years as a strict vegetarian, I added back fish for health reasons.
2005 -age 28- The first sign that things were getting better. My sexuality that seemed to have previously shut down suddenly reemerged. I functioned perfectly fine again.
2005 -ages 28-29- Around this time, I met someone who though over the long-term, it wouldn't turn out to be the best relationship, during the first few months, while we were in our happy phase, I experienced a more genuine connection than I ever had with anyone before my "shut down phase". It was like my capacity to connect had drastically deepened. Likewise, the first time we had sex, I found that my disassociation issues were now gone and what I'd considered fun sex before was nothing compared to now.
2005 -age 29- At the same time, my back problem drastically improved. I was still a little crooked, but it wasn't that noticeable anymore.
2005 -age 29- I started modeling. At first, it was just for some extra money to pay the bills from when I was seeing a chiropractor for my back problem (which didn't help and wasn't covered by my insurance). My sister was a full-time model and suggested I check the phone book to see if there was an agency near me. There was only one. It was probably a strange way to get into it. While for some it might be their childhood dream, I never had any interest before that. But, once I did, I found that it was kind of fun, because there was something I wanted to express through that more physical form of expression.
2005 -age 29- At the same time, I reconnected with that old friend and got resolution for that situation.
2006-2009 -ages 30-33- I moved and started my happiest relationship. It was also the most fulfilling sex, because we had such intense chemistry, and that was just the icing on the cake of everything else that was great about him. Unfortunately, it ended because of my marriage-phobia.
2009-present -ages 33-37- I developed pernicious anemia. After years as a vegetarian, I have to admit it was wrecking my health. I went back to eating meat when I was 35. Now, I have a number of problems, including some bad circulation issues and I know there is a psychosomatic component to this, too. I'm trying to deal with that, but it's harder to get to the root of it than it was with the last problem.
2012 -age 36- While getting a circulation massage, I felt self-conscious about this strange man touching me and I suddenly remembered that that shows how far I've come from the disassociation issues I had when I was younger.