Fic: Only Tears (One-Shot)
Warning: coughcharacterdeathcough
Listen to THIS while reading. It'll make sense.
This is it.
This is the moment.
It’s time.
It’s finally the season of spring. It’s finally time for all the hard works done throughout university years get paid for what they worth. It’s time...
Talks, cries, laughter; every source of sounds, every source of distraction died instantly. Heads looking forward, hands clasped together in laps, smiles painting each lips brightly. Lecturers, parents, friends, lovers, graduates; are all waiting with anticipating hearts, hoping for the best.
I am not.
How can I? How can I smile, when there are no you to give. How can I anticipate, when there are no you to hold me and calm me down. I need you. For everything I do, I just need you. Eyeing the empty seat next to me, my eyes are brimming with tears. These fingers that touching where you are supposed to be at, they invisibly burning. This heart that’s slowly beating, it’s been dead since from the day you are gone. These feeling of guilt and regret, I do nothing to stop. Why should I stop, when I deserve them?
If only, time can be turn back. If only, I realized it sooner.
….If only I was brave enough.
This campus, it holds so much memory of us that make me feel like staying, and embrace all the evidences; the proves that you were once alive, that you were once with me going through the days. I want to stay and I know you do too, don’t you Hyukjae? There are so much to hold on to, so much memory to remember.
That tree, the one where we used to sit and talk random things, do you still remember about it Hyukjae? Do you remember, there, was the place where we first met? The image is still crystal clear in my mind; the record keep playing like it’s stuck on replay. There, was actually the place where I used to sit and look at you, who smiled brightly like the sun up above, shining the whole universe and in my case, warmed up my once cold heart. You have changed me Hyukjae. You have opened my heart to love again. To love you.
Do you remember the rooftop where we used to spend weekend nights together, laid under the same blanket; you were tightly wrapped in my arms? We counted the stars together; the usual sparks never left your eyes and that smile, I’m missing that smile. You liked wishing upon them, and never did notice my eyes that were on you the whole time. You looked pure, the look on your face was beyond beautiful, a word that I couldn’t describe. You’re beyond perfect. I wished to hold you forever.
The detention room, the place we had our first kiss, left a deep pain in my dead heart. I couldn’t forget that day, I can never forget. The thumps in our hearts were loud, the heat I felt when we leaned closer, the fire that ignited when my lips touched yours. They felt soft, so sweet, so tempting. I felt the fear in your kiss and I nibbled on your lower lips, assuring you that it’s okay. It’s okay to make mistake on first kiss. It’s okay, because I can feel the love through the fear.
My mind flies back to the dorm we shared, which is now empty; my stuffs packed already sent back home in my old bedroom and yours were packed together with mine. I want everything that can remind me of you. If only I can have the dorm, I’ll live the future days in it until my last breath.
The bed, it once embraced you through the nights. The pillows, they have your scent. The mirror, it used to reflect your smile. The lights, you used to flicker them off and on just to annoy me when I’m working. The walls, they heard your laughter. The ceilings, they witnessed the love we made.
I’m missing you Hyukjae. I wish I have you.
It was my fault that we first fought. I was too blind, to not notice that you loved me and only me, and no one else. I was blinded by fear, the fear of being left like before I met you. Scars from the past hadn’t fully healed like what I believed; the jealousy and rage that I took out on you actually deepened the wound. I hurt you, and I regretted it that instant but my ego and pride had me hold back the apologies. I stepped away from you who were hurting, ignoring your pleading calls. I was hurting Hyukjae, I did feel hurt but why didn’t I fight for you Hyukjae? Why did I let the evil feelings took over my consciousness, and leaving you there, under the heavy rain? If only I fight back…
I knew. I knew that you were hurting Hyuk. I saw it through your eyes; they didn’t have the sparks they used to have anymore. Those eyes, they looked at me in sadness, mirroring the stabs I had unconsciously caused in your heart.
I’m sorry Hyukjae. Maybe confronting you in the first place was wrong. Maybe I should have just watch you from afar, and never did walk into your life. Maybe then, you wouldn’t feel so much pain. Maybe I wouldn’t be the cause for everything. Maybe I wouldn’t become a murderer.
Sungmin said its God’s fate, your death. I believed the otherwise. It was me, wasn’t it? Your cousin, Jongin, said that you were sick back home, on summer holiday. The last summer of ours; I wished I had it spent with you. He said you didn’t have any fatal diseases, that your case was a sudden death; wasn’t tragic but in peace. Jongin said you died in bed, face calm but paler than it used to be, a small smile painted your lips, hands holding a picture closed to your heart. My heart dropped the moment Jongin showed me the said picture. I can’t believe you still have it. I thought, after everything I’ve done just to get you away, you’d forget and move on.
Why are you doing this to me Hyuk? Why did you have to be loyal, when I moved away from you? I was a coward Hyukjae. I was a coward who couldn’t face the haunting past and left you. I’m a fool who was blind to not notice the love you had me showered with. I’m a murderer who had killed you in silence, killed you with the invisible dagger; slow but deeply painful.
Your mother said she had never seen that side of you when you came home for the holiday. They didn’t know we broke up. You never told anyone. You didn’t want to. You were playful, she said, unlike the usual you who was once shy and timid. You showed love to your family openly, something that you wouldn’t do in the past. You bought her a pretty necklace, your father was given a tuxedo he had long wanted, and for your sister, you gave her a pretty dress and for the first time, you told her that you love her. Never did they have the thoughts of your sudden leave, leaving and not coming back again.
I attended you funeral; I couldn’t believe I had the courage to. Your mother asked me to carry your casket, thinking that you’d probably want that as the final farewell. I didn’t cry; my heart didn’t too. Guilt was eating me from the inside, that I felt numb from any other emotions.
I stood near your gravestone after the funeral ended; my fingers caressed your name that was carved on the black marble. Were you lonely down there? Were you scared, Hyukjae? It’s dark and wet and cramped down there. Did you hear the cries they all let out for your loss? Were you sad that I wasn’t one of them, Hyuk? Were you disappointed?
I’m sorry but I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t cry. Because you don’t want me to.
-
This is it Hyukjae.
This is the moment. It’s a perfect moment.
“… and the loss of our potential graduates, Lee Hyukjae, leaves a deep pain in our heart. They don’t know. Lee Hyukjae was once a cheerful student, a lovable friend, and a loyal lover. They weren’t blind like me. Condolences are from the whole faculty to Lee Hyukjae’s family; who unfortunately could not be here due to private matter. Instead, Lee Hyukjae’s mother had left the authority for Lee Hyukjae’s lover, Lee Donghae to come up stage and receive the certificate of honor on her behalf.”
Claps echo across the hall, as I stand up and walk up towards the stage. I have been waiting for this moment. I stand near the microphone; the bouquet of roses and a roll of certificate are tightly held in my hands.
“Hyukjae…” I started. Are you listening Hyukjae? I want you to listen. I want you to know.
“Meeting you is never a mistake. Being with you, makes me feel like I’m worth living in this world. Looking at you, I feel the need to continue this life. Remembering you, reminds me of the happy moments we shared together.”
Listen Hyukjae.
“Lee Hyukjae, now and forever,”
This is it.
“I will always love you.”
----
A/N: What is this crap I wrote OTL. I'm actually stressed out from the exam and this is the result. Based on Infinite's Only Tears (omg Sunggyu how did you create this beautiful song ;A;) and the poster up there. I never intended on writing a fic because I made the poster out of boredom. But suddenly this plot came to mind and poof! here it is. Sorry if you hate it. I started writing on 7PM and now it's 12:23AM so forgive me if it sucks. W.ever. Bye.