and all your tears will dry
pairing: bff!baekhyun/chanyeol
rating: g
genre: angst | friendship (?)
length: oneshot // 1234 words
summary: baekhyun really, really doesn't like people seeing him cry. except maybe chanyeol.
notes: catharsis. i think.
baekhyun can remember the exact day he cries in public for the first time. 11th october 2011, just a few months before their debut is slated to happen. in these few months building up to the endpoint, all of exo knows that their training is only going to get tougher - the sleepless nights are only going to get longer, their dance practices are only going to get more tiring, the vocal trainings are only going to get more and more frequent. especially the last one, baekhyun thinks bitterly.
when he found out he was going to debut as one of exo-k's main vocalists, he'd been ecstatic, because really, all he'd ever wanted to do since young was to sing. to sing his heart out till his vocal chords were exhausted and trembling, but he'd be satisfied and oh so happy. after all, it's been his dream to be a famous singer since forever, childhood fantasies of shining spotlights and screaming audiences always at the forefront of his mind even after he'd turned eighteen, an adult in the legal sense of the word. yet even as he'd grown older, the simplicity and innocence of his childhood dream had been left untainted, untouched by the cynicism of the world. yes, he'd often thought to himself, singing’s all i ever want to do.
yet now, huddled behind the closed door of a toilet cubicle in one of SM entertainment's many bathrooms, he thinks he's not so sure anymore. as he remembers their vocal trainer's exasperated tone and the stinging insults that had flown his way, he buries his head in his hands, trying his best to muffle the sobs issuing from his mouth.
"come on, baekhyun, what's wrong with your pitch today? it's totally off!"
"no, this note isn't an E, it's a G!"
"you've been making the same mistake for the past three times we've practiced this song-"
"look, if you're not going to take it seriously, just leave."
"but i am taking this seriously!" baekhyun tries to defend himself - he's having a bad day, his throat doesn't want to cooperate, please just give him a break.
"well, it doesn't show!" his vocal coach glares at him before making a sweeping motion to indicate kyungsoo, jongdae and luhan, all of which are looking at him, concerned. "look, the other three vocalists are doing so well. even sehun's sounds better than you today, and he's a rapper! what's wrong with you? you weren't like this yesterday."
"i'm sorry," baekhyun bows his head, humiliated in front of all of his bandmates. somehow, he feels the unfamiliar pinprick of tears behind his eyelids, something he hasn't felt since he was six. afraid that the lights of the practice room will catch the telltale shine in his eyes, he lowers his head, trying hs best to blink the tears away. he doesn't want anyone to see it, because then everyone will point and laugh, making fun of him being a weakling, or even worse, offer him sympathy he doesn't deserve. "i'll do better the next time."
the coach sighs before turning on his heel and waking out of the door. "ok, then. five minutes' break. see you guys back at 5.15 sharp."
"are you okay?" baekhyun hears kyungsoo's soft voice right beside his ear and feels a comforting pressure on his shoulder, but he can't trust himself to speak (or his voice will crack and it'll be so obvious he's on the verge of breaking into stupid, stupid tears). "if you need help with the songs, just ask me, okay? it's fine."
baekhyun can't think of any way to respond except a watery smile and a crappy excuse to escape to the toilet before the tears start falling. "yeah, i'm fine. sorry, I need to get to the toilet though, bad stomachache," he wheezes, hoping he sounds convincing.
"are you sure you're fine?" kyungsoo's large eyes are even wider with concern now, and baekhyun would laugh at how ridiculous kyungsoo looks if it were a different situation, a different time and place.
"yeah, a hundred percent fine," he tries to laugh, discreetly shaking off the hand kyungsoo places on his shoulder. "don't worry about me," he chokes, before rushing all the way to the toilet and slamming the door.
and this is where baekhyun ends up, hiding behind his hands, feeling the steady drip drip drip of tears into his hands and the slow glide of a tear trailing its way down his cheek. he's always despised those trainees who cry, thinking of them as weak, but now he knows that maybe it's not that easy to smile when all you really want to do is sit down and bawl. sighing, he forces himself to get up and out of the cubicle, heading instead to the sinks to wash his face and make sure his eyes don't show the telltale red rim that signifies you've just been crying.
peering into the mirror, he scrutinises his eyes. ok, not that bad, he thinks to himself, forcing himself to quash all the feelings of depression and hopelessness in his heart. “just get through today’s practice, and then we’ll go home and sleep, and tomorrow you’ll be fine,” he tells himself firmly. maybe he’ll start believing it if he says it enough times. casting one last look at his reflection in the mirror, baekhyun walks out of the bathroom, but collides almost immediately into a very warm, very solid wall.
“oof,” he grumbles, fixing his eyes on a spot on chanyeol’s chest, not bothering to crane his neck just to look up at his giant of a bandmate and best friend. “why do you have to be so damned tall.”
“i don’t know, good genes?”
“just shut up.” baekhyun smiles wanly and tries to force his way through, mumbling, “‘scuse, chanyeol, i need to get back to rehearsals.”
“hey.” the sudden solemnity in chanyeol’s tone stops baekhyun, because chanyeol is rarely serious. “if you ever need to talk about anything, i’m here for you, ok?”
baekhyun flushes. “uh. yeah. sure.” honestly, he kind of knows where this is going, because you have to be blind not to have noticed his little emotional breakdown back there in the studio.
noticing his discomfort, chanyeol smiles, a small smile so unlike his usual crazy grin. this smile is understated, something reserved for baekhyun and baekhyun alone, because with baekhyun chanyeol doesn’t need to pretend to be happy and cheerful 24/7. baekhyun knows him too well for that, anyway. “i noticed you were going to cry back then in the practice studio. look, just because you’re having a bad day, doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad life. i know it sounds cliched and all, but i’ve heard you sing and trust me, you have a fantastic voice. it’s just going to blow all the fangirls away, i know it. so cheer up, okay?”
baekhyun nods, swallowing the last of the tears that had been threatening to dredge their way up his throat. “yeah.” and he smiles, finally looking up at chanyeol.
chanyeol just smiles back and holds out a hand to baekhyun. “come on, let’s go back to practice.”
grinning, baekhyun takes chanyeol’s hand. chanyeol’s hand is a lot larger than his and baekhyun figures his entire palm is dwarfed by chanyeol’s, but he finds that he doesn’t mind at all. not really.