(no subject)
Somebody leave a light on
Just in a case I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from...
And God, if you are listening tell me please, I beg you on bended knee. You are the only one now I can speak to having fucked up everything else. And I am afraid I may have fucked us up too. Have I? Has the phone been disconnected and the chariots turned black? The horses have not yet lead elsewhere, so I say it is safe to say you are there.
You are here.
here.
here.
I tell you I don't want this, again and again, but do I really mean it?
Yes I do. I have searched for a crime I promised myself to commit. And I pay for the crime now with regret, regret, regret. And now I run to you feet for shelter knowing I have sinned, knowing I have hurt everybody around me and perhaps to take the pain upon myself... I could... I would...
"Or if the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter. Oh God, God!"
And Mary. Mother Mary. Have I gone too far down the path to ever see you again? Have I tumbled down one too many times, never did a thing about it, and still hope for your presence here, here, here?
I do.
I am who I am. And am not ashamed. And have no sin in that context. I do not believe when she told me "Homosexuality is a sin!" that it truly is and was...
"In my heart
In my heart
I did no crime."
And I did not hug her, not because she said that, but rather I refused... for I thought "How could someone who claims to be so loving say such painful things?" And I took my rosary and put it before and told her I loved you, God. I told her I loved you, but according to her, you didn't love me... Do you love me God? At least as much as Mary does?... Do you find me doing what you have told me to do in the beginning, when all other hope had failed?
I kept to myself. I did, I kept it to myself. My shit, my stupidity, my selfishness, my calamity, myself. I kept myself to myself and in doing that, refused to hurt others. If I have not done that, then I don't know what I was doing...
Though in the past 11 months... I've turned. I've undone what I've worked so hard inside to achieve. I've turned my back to you, and didn't think twice about it. It's my fault God. It is my fault... And I am so frustrated to think that it is only now I run back to you for I am
Here.
Here.
Here.
"It hides a nasty stain still lying there."
So God if you please... Death, please.
Or some sort of way to escape.
....
..........
I can't deal with this by myself. I cannot.
And to let others help me, you have got to help me first.
Please God. If not death, then please... something else.
Anything else...
I am sorry God. I am on my knees, on my hands, on the floor completely, underneath it and beyond. I. Am. Sorry. Mary. I deserve this I do.
If you think I do deserve it and cannot unravel the knots that have been made, then spare the others. Spare the others...
And in that way, I will die. Just a little bit more inside...
I am praying, and I am praying.
Mary, Mother Mary
Help me.