I get that this is a bridge that sets up other scenes in a longer piece. I think you need to do a lot more tweaking. I think you're a talented writer. I realize my critiques below may seem harsh, but they're actually a compliment because I don't waste my time critiquing writers whom I don't think are really talented.
And with that throat-clearing out of the way...
If the other scenes you're setting up involve Susan,, you need to tease out the Susan/Regina affinity much more graphically. This is more of a setup for a relationship between Gerard and Regina. Maybe that was your intent? But if so, then the whole "And that's how Gina met her best friend," feels coy. (I get that the TV show How I Met Your Mother has popularized the whole notion of narratives whose ostensible point is a mere footnote to the actual action, but I'm not sure that approach works in written narrative.)
If Regina is so unworldly -- or other-worldly -- that she doesn't know what date rape is, it seems unlikely that she'd take such umbrage at breakfast
( ... )
This piece didn't move as well as the previous one, probably because you are working on establishing characters. Still, the last sentence made me want to read more.
I really enjoyed the banter here and how immediate each of the characters feels with one another. I've been seated in the dining commons and had JUST THAT experience!!!
As soon as I met Glen, I wanted Gina to stomp his attitude like a bug.
Does this jump backwards from more recent stories occasionally feel coy? Perhaps, but I would say that it does so in a way that distinctly resembles the rest of this story universe. It always seems to sit between those "meathook realities" and a cheeky hidden world. It's that standard that makes something like the "exploding bowels" joke from the previous entry quite reasonable to see as a response to roofies and the possibility of date rape.
What I'm trying to say is that this is essentially your style as far as I know it, and I like it quite well.
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And with that throat-clearing out of the way...
If the other scenes you're setting up involve Susan,, you need to tease out the Susan/Regina affinity much more graphically. This is more of a setup for a relationship between Gerard and Regina. Maybe that was your intent? But if so, then the whole "And that's how Gina met her best friend," feels coy. (I get that the TV show How I Met Your Mother has popularized the whole notion of narratives whose ostensible point is a mere footnote to the actual action, but I'm not sure that approach works in written narrative.)
If Regina is so unworldly -- or other-worldly -- that she doesn't know what date rape is, it seems unlikely that she'd take such umbrage at breakfast ( ... )
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Does this jump backwards from more recent stories occasionally feel coy? Perhaps, but I would say that it does so in a way that distinctly resembles the rest of this story universe. It always seems to sit between those "meathook realities" and a cheeky hidden world. It's that standard that makes something like the "exploding bowels" joke from the previous entry quite reasonable to see as a response to roofies and the possibility of date rape.
What I'm trying to say is that this is essentially your style as far as I know it, and I like it quite well.
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