gonna rant. get ready. there will be a picture at the end. promise.
ok... i have to pee. brb.
ok back. lets see, i have a lot to rant about... lets start with the existential(maybe? i barley know what that word means) question of...WHO AM I?
A while ago, I was a full fledged nerd. watched anime, programmed, drew, ate bad food, never went out, didnt drink. then I got dumped and figured "well that wasnt working... lets try soemthing new" so then i started drinking, going out, having sex and making out (not more, but with more people) and eventually got to where i am now. im throwing another huge party tomorrow. i made 145 jello shots today. 108 people are confirmed on facebook, 112 are maybe. and i get the impression that everyone preceives me as some kind of wild and crazy party guy who gets drunk every chance he gets (i am drunk now), hits on anything that moves and just is an all around pretty shallow guy (people mistook me for a party promoter when i sent them the facebook invite...) but i still love anime, im working for a videogame studio starting in like 2 weeks....im a nerd at heart. I have depth. I read like a book a month. Ive watched a lot of really great movies (im beggining to think im a 'movie buff' in fact) but no one knows that, except those who hang around me a lot. and when you have 30 seconds to impress someone into talking with you its hard to get both sides across.
here's the dilema: Im attracted to two types of girl: the nerd, and the indie girl. In not cool enoguh even in my current drunken party going state (possibly because i overplay the role...) to get the indie girl, with the rare exception... but the nerd girl never comes out of her cave, and is totally turned off by the party frat dood that i seem to channel. so basically, ive built my persona into a corner. this weird hybrid that i seem to be attracts no one, but i love both parts of my personality, it has a feel of balance to it. Im not sure what to do about this, or even if i ought to do anything, since anyone worth being with would recognize how cool i am anyway (thats the PUA talking...) but ive been thinking about it recently.
now on to
what a sweet girl she is. a little befuddled, but sweet. she seems to like me. Ive been thinking about...dont read too much into it... but love. and i realized that i really do like her, but every once in a while she goes nuts, and i cant help but think "do i really need this in my life?" but recently ive been thinking: isnt love putting up with that kind of crap? like... taking the good with the bad? when were together were great (and ive told her this) but when were apart... it sucks. and right now (and really, ever since ive known her) we cant be together. shes like everything i want in a girl, but also a lot i dont. and she has reasons. its legit. shes not just a drama queen, but sometimes.... i just dont want to deal with it. so if thats love, maybe im not in it, and maybe it would be WAY easier if we were physically together, but I havent talked to her in like a month and a half, and i miss it. I'm not sure what that means but ive also been thinking about that.
now for some less heavy stuff:
I have this friend, philly ho, who is American Born Chinese. kid is an american citizen but lived in hong kong for like 15 years. been in the states for like 6 years, barley speaks english, but is super rad. and we are going to live together next year. we looked for houses and found a GORGEOUS baby blue victorian house with wood floors, stained glass light fixtures, all new stainless steel kitchen appliances, and two. TWO. porches. just absolutley amazing. there were a few problems though, first the place was $1550 per month for 3 bedrooms, which was a little out of our price range, especially for our frugal chinese pal (not that he couldnt pay it, hes just cheap). but we solved that problem by coordinating with another friend to turn one of the two living rooms into a bedroom for a significantly cheaper percentage of the rent turning the 3/1.5 into a 4/1.5 and making the rent very managable for everyone (especially for the livingroom dweller, who was origionally going to be philip ho, who wanted to pay as little as possible). everyone was happy. but the second problem: Someone already had put in applications for a 2 year lease, which basically meant we would never get it. so we aquiesced and went with another house, letting the land lady know we were VERY interested in the first place if something should happen with the 2 year lease people... well our wish came true and something DID happen! she contacted us and said, if your applications get accepted its yours(still waiting on that...) but it seemed like a done deal, until philly called his parents to tell them about our dream house... apparently the living room where he would be staying had, and i swear to you this is the truth: "Bad fung shui" and he COULD NOT LIVE IN THAT ROOM. PERIOD. so we had a little 24 hour crisis, where we got together and harrassed philly ho about why he couldnt live there and what we were going to do about it. his parents didnt want him living out of the livingroom. period. even if it meant something like $100 extra per month. it was a weird culture shock, since me and thomas and cyrus (the 4th man) valued the aesthetics of the place enough to pay the premium of an extra $100, his parents valued the fung shui of the REAL bedrooms for the same value. so I ended up taking the livingroom, and everything was settled. its good too, since ill be supporting myself and i wont make all that much... but still, its funny to think that after overcoming the search and the price and the competing applicants, i was about the be thwarted by...FUNG SHUI. though... we still havent received word that our applications were accepted, soooo... this whole story could still have a very SAD ending. cross your fingers.
next: i wanted to mention how absurdly important every school related thing has become all of a sudden. usually if i dont want to go to class, or dont want to study for a test... ill find some excuse not to. "oh, ill do good on the next one" or "i can miss one or two classes" but now that im graduating, every single quiz, every single class period, every single homework assignment suddenly has an enormously enflated importance. If i DO miss a class. i wont graduate. if i dont study for a test. i wont graduate. there is not 'next semester' to make it up. its would really be comical if it werent so stressful, and yet, since i already have that internship, i also feel very lacksidasical about it all. its a weird mix.
finally, the pictures:
supposed to look something like this, when done:
laugh if you like but ive been working on this for like 3 weeks. like, 15 hours a week. it looks like shit, but im learning a lot thanks to the folks at polycount. im genuinley getting better i think. anyway, this is whats been taking up 3 nights a week during the hours of 11-3.
-fin
ok back. lets see, i have a lot to rant about... lets start with the existential(maybe? i barley know what that word means) question of...WHO AM I?
A while ago, I was a full fledged nerd. watched anime, programmed, drew, ate bad food, never went out, didnt drink. then I got dumped and figured "well that wasnt working... lets try soemthing new" so then i started drinking, going out, having sex and making out (not more, but with more people) and eventually got to where i am now. im throwing another huge party tomorrow. i made 145 jello shots today. 108 people are confirmed on facebook, 112 are maybe. and i get the impression that everyone preceives me as some kind of wild and crazy party guy who gets drunk every chance he gets (i am drunk now), hits on anything that moves and just is an all around pretty shallow guy (people mistook me for a party promoter when i sent them the facebook invite...) but i still love anime, im working for a videogame studio starting in like 2 weeks....im a nerd at heart. I have depth. I read like a book a month. Ive watched a lot of really great movies (im beggining to think im a 'movie buff' in fact) but no one knows that, except those who hang around me a lot. and when you have 30 seconds to impress someone into talking with you its hard to get both sides across.
here's the dilema: Im attracted to two types of girl: the nerd, and the indie girl. In not cool enoguh even in my current drunken party going state (possibly because i overplay the role...) to get the indie girl, with the rare exception... but the nerd girl never comes out of her cave, and is totally turned off by the party frat dood that i seem to channel. so basically, ive built my persona into a corner. this weird hybrid that i seem to be attracts no one, but i love both parts of my personality, it has a feel of balance to it. Im not sure what to do about this, or even if i ought to do anything, since anyone worth being with would recognize how cool i am anyway (thats the PUA talking...) but ive been thinking about it recently.
now on to
what a sweet girl she is. a little befuddled, but sweet. she seems to like me. Ive been thinking about...dont read too much into it... but love. and i realized that i really do like her, but every once in a while she goes nuts, and i cant help but think "do i really need this in my life?" but recently ive been thinking: isnt love putting up with that kind of crap? like... taking the good with the bad? when were together were great (and ive told her this) but when were apart... it sucks. and right now (and really, ever since ive known her) we cant be together. shes like everything i want in a girl, but also a lot i dont. and she has reasons. its legit. shes not just a drama queen, but sometimes.... i just dont want to deal with it. so if thats love, maybe im not in it, and maybe it would be WAY easier if we were physically together, but I havent talked to her in like a month and a half, and i miss it. I'm not sure what that means but ive also been thinking about that.
now for some less heavy stuff:
I have this friend, philly ho, who is American Born Chinese. kid is an american citizen but lived in hong kong for like 15 years. been in the states for like 6 years, barley speaks english, but is super rad. and we are going to live together next year. we looked for houses and found a GORGEOUS baby blue victorian house with wood floors, stained glass light fixtures, all new stainless steel kitchen appliances, and two. TWO. porches. just absolutley amazing. there were a few problems though, first the place was $1550 per month for 3 bedrooms, which was a little out of our price range, especially for our frugal chinese pal (not that he couldnt pay it, hes just cheap). but we solved that problem by coordinating with another friend to turn one of the two living rooms into a bedroom for a significantly cheaper percentage of the rent turning the 3/1.5 into a 4/1.5 and making the rent very managable for everyone (especially for the livingroom dweller, who was origionally going to be philip ho, who wanted to pay as little as possible). everyone was happy. but the second problem: Someone already had put in applications for a 2 year lease, which basically meant we would never get it. so we aquiesced and went with another house, letting the land lady know we were VERY interested in the first place if something should happen with the 2 year lease people... well our wish came true and something DID happen! she contacted us and said, if your applications get accepted its yours(still waiting on that...) but it seemed like a done deal, until philly called his parents to tell them about our dream house... apparently the living room where he would be staying had, and i swear to you this is the truth: "Bad fung shui" and he COULD NOT LIVE IN THAT ROOM. PERIOD. so we had a little 24 hour crisis, where we got together and harrassed philly ho about why he couldnt live there and what we were going to do about it. his parents didnt want him living out of the livingroom. period. even if it meant something like $100 extra per month. it was a weird culture shock, since me and thomas and cyrus (the 4th man) valued the aesthetics of the place enough to pay the premium of an extra $100, his parents valued the fung shui of the REAL bedrooms for the same value. so I ended up taking the livingroom, and everything was settled. its good too, since ill be supporting myself and i wont make all that much... but still, its funny to think that after overcoming the search and the price and the competing applicants, i was about the be thwarted by...FUNG SHUI. though... we still havent received word that our applications were accepted, soooo... this whole story could still have a very SAD ending. cross your fingers.
next: i wanted to mention how absurdly important every school related thing has become all of a sudden. usually if i dont want to go to class, or dont want to study for a test... ill find some excuse not to. "oh, ill do good on the next one" or "i can miss one or two classes" but now that im graduating, every single quiz, every single class period, every single homework assignment suddenly has an enormously enflated importance. If i DO miss a class. i wont graduate. if i dont study for a test. i wont graduate. there is not 'next semester' to make it up. its would really be comical if it werent so stressful, and yet, since i already have that internship, i also feel very lacksidasical about it all. its a weird mix.
finally, the pictures:
supposed to look something like this, when done:
laugh if you like but ive been working on this for like 3 weeks. like, 15 hours a week. it looks like shit, but im learning a lot thanks to the folks at polycount. im genuinley getting better i think. anyway, this is whats been taking up 3 nights a week during the hours of 11-3.
-fin