I am from over two years of mental, emotional and physical anguish after the worst two days of my twenty-three years of life- 12/2-12-3, 2005. This whole part sounds awkward to me. Even the way the dates are written is weird. Hmm, I might try... I am from the 2nd and 3rd of December 2005, over two years of mental, emotional and physical anguish after the worst two days of my life. However you rearrange this, you want this to be so strong that there's no possible way the reader will forget this line. It's the start of this poem, of this experience you're speaking about.
I am from agonizing hours in the hospital, facing the reality of the situation and forcing myself to email my parents since the idea of voicing what happened aloud again made me literally sick to my stomach.
I don't know why, but "email" irks me. Could you go with "write"? I know it gives a bit of a different impression, but...
I am from sleepless days, nights with the lights on, horrible nightmares and the after-shock that follows.
I am from drinking too much, eating too little and the incomprehensible amount of guilt I feel after either or a combination of the two.
Again, move it up so it's with the other food lines.
I am from the constant feeling that I'm wearing a sign that reads "BROKEN" or "DAMAGED GOODS", being embarassed and uncomfortable in normal social situations and blaming myself for feeling so awkward all of the time.
I am from emptiness, silent tears and the conviction that i'm only a hollow shell of the girl that once made everyone so happy and so proud.
I think you can do without the "emptiness," because "hollow shell" takes care of that. It also creates a stronger connection between those silent tears and that conviction.
I am from pushing those closest to me away, feeling undeserving and unworthy of love and affection and feeling that i'm not capable of letting anyone ever see how I really feel.
Edit: "I am from pushing away those closest to me,..."I am from "i'm fine", "I just want to be alone right now", and endless hours in the dance
( ... )
thanks for all of the suggestions. you are great : )
i haven't even examined it for technical things yet. the fact that i spelled recognizing wrong is wayyyy embarassing. i was just so proud of myself to finally get it out, ya know?
i should show you the original scribbles. [totally in thin-point crayola marker!] ideally, i want that to be part of the art when i get to that point.
right now, i'm just going to stay proud of the fact that i was able get it out.
the creativity will come. i know it's there, actually. i just have other priorities... [coughstayinghealthycough]
i hope you are feeling better, mister. stay awesome. <3 kel
ps- hairry just ate 6 peppermint patties out of the candy dish. [ ahut up, you know you love him!]
Yeah, I didn't know if you wanted me to pick apart commas and all that stuff, hah. I figured you'd go back for that stuff. But I bet you put commas when using your crayola thin-point markers, hahaha.
You should be really proud for letting all of that out. Even in the high level of emotion that it was let out in, you were still able to articulate things very well. Now comes the difference between what this means to you and how you can make this mean something to others. And all you really have to do is concentrate on a line at a time and what exactly you want that to say/portray/highlight.
Oh Hairry. At least if he licks my face, it'll be minty fresh.
Comments 7
I am from over two years of mental, emotional and physical anguish after the worst two days of my twenty-three years of life- 12/2-12-3, 2005.
This whole part sounds awkward to me. Even the way the dates are written is weird. Hmm, I might try... I am from the 2nd and 3rd of December 2005, over two years of mental, emotional and physical anguish after the worst two days of my life. However you rearrange this, you want this to be so strong that there's no possible way the reader will forget this line. It's the start of this poem, of this experience you're speaking about.
I am from agonizing hours in the hospital, facing the reality of the situation and forcing myself to email my parents since the idea of voicing what happened aloud again made me literally sick to my stomach.
I don't know why, but "email" irks me. Could you go with "write"? I know it gives a bit of a different impression, but...
I am from sleepless days, nights with the lights on, horrible nightmares and the after-shock that follows.
Perfect.I am ( ... )
Reply
Again, move it up so it's with the other food lines.
I am from the constant feeling that I'm wearing a sign that reads "BROKEN" or "DAMAGED GOODS", being embarassed and uncomfortable in normal social situations and blaming myself for feeling so awkward all of the time.
I am from emptiness, silent tears and the conviction that i'm only a hollow shell of the girl that once made everyone so happy and so proud.
I think you can do without the "emptiness," because "hollow shell" takes care of that. It also creates a stronger connection between those silent tears and that conviction.
I am from pushing those closest to me away, feeling undeserving and unworthy of love and affection and feeling that i'm not capable of letting anyone ever see how I really feel.
Edit: "I am from pushing away those closest to me,..."I am from "i'm fine", "I just want to be alone right now", and endless hours in the dance ( ... )
Reply
you are great : )
i haven't even examined it for technical things yet.
the fact that i spelled recognizing wrong is wayyyy embarassing.
i was just so proud of myself to finally get it out, ya know?
i should show you the original scribbles.
[totally in thin-point crayola marker!]
ideally, i want that to be part of the art when i get to that point.
right now, i'm just going to stay proud of the fact that i was able get it out.
the creativity will come.
i know it's there, actually.
i just have other priorities...
[coughstayinghealthycough]
i hope you are feeling better, mister.
stay awesome.
<3 kel
ps- hairry just ate 6 peppermint patties out of the candy dish.
[ ahut up, you know you love him!]
Reply
whoopsies : )
Reply
You should be really proud for letting all of that out. Even in the high level of emotion that it was let out in, you were still able to articulate things very well. Now comes the difference between what this means to you and how you can make this mean something to others. And all you really have to do is concentrate on a line at a time and what exactly you want that to say/portray/highlight.
Oh Hairry. At least if he licks my face, it'll be minty fresh.
Reply
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