Comments | i_need_the_eggs: The 2nd part of the end

i_need_the_eggs

The 2nd part of the end

Nov 16, 2005 13:14

Here is Part Deux:

( Driving to Nowhere: Part II )

Comments 4

vangogh86 November 17 2005, 20:51:39 UTC

i think you can get rid of the whole "boxing metaphor" digression. it's minorly annyoing and would also help bring down your word count. other than that, i like it. i don't think you have the space (if they're supposed to only be 600-700 words), but i feel like the only people who are really characterized are you and your younger sis. you don't really describe any of the girls in the beginning or any of your friends. so...there's my 2 cents :^D

i_need_the_eggs November 18 2005, 00:20:48 UTC

Actually, instead of pocketing your two cents, I just up and spent 'em. No more crazy ass digression...It fucked up the continuity way too much and wasn't that funny.

Drew, I'm highly impressed anonymous November 18 2005, 04:44:56 UTC

(Just so you know, this is Frederick)
I really liked it. The only thing I'd say is that there are a couple of factual inaccuracies. Like Chicago is west of Cincinnati, not east. And that at one point you say Ohio laws prevent you from renting a room underage, but you are really in Indiana. I think it is a shame that it's "too long". I think it's just the right length. It's like a David Sedaris story or something, where all the little digressions and zeugmatic descriptions fit with the alienated and non-standard subject matter. I'd buy it.

anonymous November 21 2005, 02:04:39 UTC

Drew its Greenberg, your story is incredably good and i was so happy to stumble over it considering I have smythe and Turansky paper due and, well I don't feal like working on either of them right now. Please please email me and tell me some of the inspiration and what knot (krag555@aol.com). This is the strongest work that I have read by you. dont be a stranger man.