Drew! Start making sense...
Wow, this piece is a little weird. I really don't know what I was thinking. Oh, well.
Pundits have long been accusing the current administration of being incompetent and ineffective in their handling of the Iraq War, the National Deficit, Hurricane Katrina, and pretty much any other public responsibility they were handed. However, no one can say that Vice President Dick Cheney is a poor hunter or marksman. This man went out on a Saturday afternoon to shoot some small game, mostly quail, and came back having bagged a full-grown Texan. Most hunters would have been satisfied with snagging a couple of grouse or quail to stuff in lifelike poses or to put in a nice stew, but such low ambitions aren’t how Richard Cheney became C.E.O. of Halliburton and the V.P. of the good ole stars and bars. Dick wasn’t going to come back with just a few grimy birds in his bag like some pansy from Little House on the Prairie. He was going to hunt the most dangerous game. Well, the most dangerous game that can be found in the 78-year old southern legislator demographic.
The following is the tentative script of a made-for-TV movie to be aired this October based on the inner monologue of Dick Cheney and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, called “Dead-Eye Dick”
The movie opens to a shot of several small birds flying above a marsh at dusk. A loud bang is heard and we see a quail plummet to the ground with a soft thud. The camera then pans around to Vice-President Dick Cheney (played by Wilford Brimley) and attorney Henry Whittington (portrayed by Pauly Shore caked in old man makeup) in a South Texas field at dusk.
Whittington: I can’t believe I finally shot one of those sons-a-bitches down!
Cheney: Yes…quail… [Mumble, mumble]...tricky little bastards…why don’t you go out and get it.
As Whittington goes out to get the bird, Cheney loads his shotgun with birdshot and aims at Whittington when he turns around to show him the spoils of his hunt.
Whittington: Dick, will you look at the size of this…
BANG! Whittington is shot with over 50 pellets of buckshot and falls back into the marsh.
Cheney: Heh, heh, heh.
That’s actually the end of the movie proper. I forgot to mention that it’s being aired on MTV and they could only fit the movie in between new episodes of “Meet the Barkers” and “Real World-Road Rules Challenge.” And we don’t know if we have Wilford Brimley on board yet, because he was in the middle of a very taxing oatmeal breakfast when we asked him, but our fingers are crossed. We also have a pilot in the works in which Whittington recovers from all of his wounds, but is blinded for life, so Dick Cheney re-acclimates him to the real world and teaches him how to love again. Think of it as “Meet Joe Black” meets “The Deer Hunter” meets “Brokeback Mountain”.
In a related story, my sources tell me that George W. Bush actually shot Dick Cheney with a .45 Magnum on the same hunting trip, but Cheney didn’t feel a thing because he’s an android made of aluminum siding and paraffin wax.
Pundits have long been accusing the current administration of being incompetent and ineffective in their handling of the Iraq War, the National Deficit, Hurricane Katrina, and pretty much any other public responsibility they were handed. However, no one can say that Vice President Dick Cheney is a poor hunter or marksman. This man went out on a Saturday afternoon to shoot some small game, mostly quail, and came back having bagged a full-grown Texan. Most hunters would have been satisfied with snagging a couple of grouse or quail to stuff in lifelike poses or to put in a nice stew, but such low ambitions aren’t how Richard Cheney became C.E.O. of Halliburton and the V.P. of the good ole stars and bars. Dick wasn’t going to come back with just a few grimy birds in his bag like some pansy from Little House on the Prairie. He was going to hunt the most dangerous game. Well, the most dangerous game that can be found in the 78-year old southern legislator demographic.
The following is the tentative script of a made-for-TV movie to be aired this October based on the inner monologue of Dick Cheney and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, called “Dead-Eye Dick”
The movie opens to a shot of several small birds flying above a marsh at dusk. A loud bang is heard and we see a quail plummet to the ground with a soft thud. The camera then pans around to Vice-President Dick Cheney (played by Wilford Brimley) and attorney Henry Whittington (portrayed by Pauly Shore caked in old man makeup) in a South Texas field at dusk.
Whittington: I can’t believe I finally shot one of those sons-a-bitches down!
Cheney: Yes…quail… [Mumble, mumble]...tricky little bastards…why don’t you go out and get it.
As Whittington goes out to get the bird, Cheney loads his shotgun with birdshot and aims at Whittington when he turns around to show him the spoils of his hunt.
Whittington: Dick, will you look at the size of this…
BANG! Whittington is shot with over 50 pellets of buckshot and falls back into the marsh.
Cheney: Heh, heh, heh.
That’s actually the end of the movie proper. I forgot to mention that it’s being aired on MTV and they could only fit the movie in between new episodes of “Meet the Barkers” and “Real World-Road Rules Challenge.” And we don’t know if we have Wilford Brimley on board yet, because he was in the middle of a very taxing oatmeal breakfast when we asked him, but our fingers are crossed. We also have a pilot in the works in which Whittington recovers from all of his wounds, but is blinded for life, so Dick Cheney re-acclimates him to the real world and teaches him how to love again. Think of it as “Meet Joe Black” meets “The Deer Hunter” meets “Brokeback Mountain”.
In a related story, my sources tell me that George W. Bush actually shot Dick Cheney with a .45 Magnum on the same hunting trip, but Cheney didn’t feel a thing because he’s an android made of aluminum siding and paraffin wax.