幸福微笑; please
guys. this feels unreal. today was one of the fucking worst days ever. it's ridiculous, you know, because i was already whinging about having to go back to school and check my midyear exam results but then somewhere halfway throughout the day it changed from grousing about exam results to wanting to burst in tears over kris. it was so painful having to sit there in the school auditorium, desperately scrolling through twitter under the small folding table, hoping wishing praying that someone was talking crap and everything was just a lie. that everything was just a huge april fool's joke. that everything, anything was true except for the fact that he was leaving/filing a lawsuit.
at first when i read the news i was thinking "this can't be true, must be some other fuckers trying to spread rumours just bc we don't know where kris is". and then sm followed up with that assumption by denying the lawsuit's existence. but then throughout the day it started becoming more and more scarily real, what with sm confirming that there was actually a fucking lawsuit in the first fucking place and i felt like i was on an emotional roller coaster tbh. and i rly wanted to go back to that moment when i believed with my entire heart that it wasn't true. that exo would go on forever, undisrupted, like they had been for the past 2 years. i want to go back to that ignorance, that bliss. but then more updates came, sm confirmed that the lawsuit existed, and it was like i felt my heart drop. i'm not even exaggerating, but my heart was really twinging and i went around the entire day glued to my phone and in a daze; it just felt like everything was so unreal, you know? i didn't give a shit about anything else, not even those obnoxious fcukers gloating about their high marks and it's truly a testament to how upset i was that i didn't give a fart about those people in school. it was utterly ridiculous.
it just hurts a lot more than i expected it to, tbh. it's like a recurring nightmare - i came into the sj fandom in late 2010, after hangeng left, but i rmb watching old sjm shows and thinking "thank you for translating for the clueless members, thank you for taking care of them in china" and it hurt when i looked up and remembered that he'd left. it hurt so fucking badly, and now it's coming back again. i remember when i first started stanning exo, which was when they released comeback pictures for xoxo first class.... some sjexo stans on tlist rt-ed lu han's teaser pic and i was like "oh who's this guy, he's cute" because he was in school uniform and he looked so /happy/. and then after that more and more teasers came in and i just somehow got sucked in. it's ridiculous, because i've not been with them from the start, only about a year or so? but exo's already embedded themselves so deep in my heart it would fucking hurt if you were to dig them out. and we all know exo is only complete when they're ot12. as donghae said, “after seeing exo-k and exo-m's stages, i feel that you guys shine most when you perform together as exo". it's everything i've ever thought about the 12 boys tbh and if kris goes..... ot11 does not have the same ring to it. i just. i can't think, because ot12 seems ridiculously bonded to me, more so than the separate m/k ones tbh. but even so m ot6.... i don't know what they would do without their 队长。from all those times i saw him translate for minseok/jongdae on shows, acted like a bro to lu han and yixing, took care of tao and all his whining........ from all those times, i saw that kris wasn't just deadweight in the team. he took care of his members and was a good leader, and i cannot begrudge him that. kris is valuable to exo, in so many more ways than we can count, and it hurts to see reports of him leaving as if that meant nothing.
and then we have the exo members unfollowing him on ig and weibo. and that? that hurts more than fucking anything. it's not even about the fans any more - it's about the friendships forged in those 2 years. and before we were still saying that exo would get through this, they would pull through and one day we'd just gather and laugh about it in the future. but no. don't even fucking know what's going on but i refuse to believe that they would turn their backs on their galaxy-hyung because. i'm sorry, maybe i'm a fool. but i would rather put my faith in blind dreams than wake up and face the harsh possibility of them forsaking him. of course, i just want kris to be happy, but at the same time i jsut want to be selfish and cling on to every last shred of hope i've got. but ultimately, i guess i just hope that no matter the ending, they will still maintain some semblance of friendship, something to prove us wrong and show that everything we saw on tv wasn't staged or faked, wasn't just another facade sm put up to deceive. chanyeol and kris's friendship, the two dumb twin towers. chinaline, who relied on each other when times in korea got tough. zitao and kris, who are always hanging around each other, kris always indulging tao. kris and junmyeon, having to take in hand a bunch of unruly crazy kids. please, let those friendships at least remain true.
please, right now i just want my ot12. we haven't had our solo con, our fandom name, fandom color. and i would literally take a hundred embarrassing ig/weibo updates of "galaxy" crap rn if you would come back and tell us what's going on. please, kris, just come home. T_T