this was all bethanys idea. but i need to do this, too. and i'm making it public.
i remember waking up that morning and seeing your face, and thinking that i wouldn't mind waking up to it every day, for the rest of my life.
i remember being physically intimate with you, and you saying you still thought it was beautiful.
i remember being in love with you, and hoping that it wouldn't end, but then our parents made it end.
i remember coming to school, with bandages on my wrists, wishing the worst, and you made it okay.
i remember meeting you at a show, and knowing that we'd become best friends just by how you looked at him and the world.
i remember frozen toes, and hot chocolate and long drives that made my heart feel full.
i remember finding out she was on broadway, and thinking that she was amazing.
i remember her telling me she wishes she'd die. and she did.
i remember kissing his forehead goodbye forever, in a cold box, in a cold building, where all the faces looked to be of stone.
i remember telling you on the phone that i gave up, and i let her win. because i was so tired of fighting.
i remember running as fast as i could in hopes that i would impress you and you'd want me in your life. but my speed was never good enough, and my body never small enough, and my face never pretty enough.
i remember my first memory of the hospital, and you, and stale stench that reminds me to this day, of death and pain.
i remember the night that i thought i lost control. and i did. and i was at the hospital hoping that i could just end it, so i didn't have to face you in the morning.
i remember feeling you inside of me. physically inside of me, and thinking it was the most beautiful feeling i had ever felt with someone in my entire life.
i remember random drives, and lots of chinese food. and laughs and tears, and promises of a never ending friendship that ended.
i remember thinking that i'd be happy when she passed because she wouldn't be in pain. but i can't be happy. all i want to do is scream and wish i could change how it happened, and what i had done.
i remember promising that i'd see her before she was gone. but i didn't because of my mother.
last night was so beautiful. and today was so nice. but this afternoon, just makes me wish i had could talk to dan. and makes me wish i had a friend in him. and it makes me wish that scott was here, that way i could curl up and sleep and feel safe.
i have to go.